The stadium is surely empty by now, but Hyukjae can still hear the crowd cheering, can still feel his ears ringing from that explosive cheer, and can still see the sea of blue lights filling up every inch of the stadium. It’s true what people say, you will always remember every little detail of something just before it slips out of your grasp. Hyukjae agrees wholeheartedly to this statement. He shivers as he thinks to himself about how far he and his band members have gone. It all starts as a dream, a dream they all see every night when they go to sleep, a dream that finally comes true, and a dream that eventually has to end.

It’s Super Junior’s last show in their entire career, the last time all thirteen of them will be on the same stage ever again. Thirteen because for the longest time, all of them have accepted the fact that both Hangeng and Kibum won’t be coming back, and they love both of them enough to know that. The dressing room is by any means crowded, stylists, hairdressers and managers running around trying to collect every last item before they leave the venue. But the silence among the thirteen men who in a matter of days won’t go by the name Super Junior anymore is more pronounced then any other noise in the room.

Hyukjae observes his band mates, notices how all of them seem to be taking it slow in everything they’re doing, be it something as simple as tying their shoelaces or changing out of their stage wardrobe. It’s like they almost refuse to believe that this is the end, and they try to hold on to whatever remains as much as they can. Hyukjae thinks it’s both funny and sad how thirteen different personalities can fell into the same coping mechanism, a proof that the sadness is great enough to consume all of them.

Leeteuk has spent the last three minutes only staring at their last setlist, Hyukjae doesn’t know why he does that but he leaves him be. Siwon has his arm draped over Ryeowook’s shoulder, but only lopsided smiles are shared, there are no words. Heechul looks nonchalant as always, but he keeps bumping into people when he walks around the room, it’s almost like he’s physically moving but mentally he’s somewhere else. Hyukjae knows Heechul is afraid, of what he can’t really be sure but he’s at least sure that fear is what he gets when he looks at Heechul’s eyes. Contrary to what people know, Hyukjae has grown a lot closer to Heechul in the past years. A secret shared between two men usually does that.

Sungmin, Kyuhyun, Shindong, Henry, Zhou Mi and Yesung are all sitting together at the sofas in the corner of the dressing room, a few times Hyukjae notices that Sungmin opens his mouth to say something but ends up closing it back and settles on just letting out a sigh every now and then. Yesung looks at Sungmin every time he does that and Hyukjae half-expects he will throw some snarky comment but Yesung only smiles. Yesung doesn’t smile for the whole chorus that he sings during the last encore song, but Hyukjae catches that he smiles at every little thing once they get off the stage. Henry and Zhou Mi grins for the first time when Kyuhyun drapes his arms around them, seemingly thankful that throughout the years of constant battle for acceptance, they know one family in which they don’t have to struggle to be a part of. Kangin is laughing at something one of the stage crew says, but even Hyukjae who stands about five feet away from him can tell that the laugh doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

Then there’s Donghae.

When it comes to him Hyukjae doesn’t even know where to begin, because for the whole night his focus is settled only on Donghae. He notices every smile, every change on Donghae’s facial features, every shift of Donghae’s gaze, every nervous move Donghae’s hand makes, and every drop of tears he knows Donghae has been trying to hide. It’s all about Donghae tonight, even though it’s not like every night for the past fifteen years of Hyukjae’s life doesn’t consist of thoughts about Donghae. Sometimes Hyukjae can’t quite believe the cards that life hands to him, how with all the girls around him it just has to be Donghae that he falls in love with.

Heechul’s the only one who knows this, and he’s the only one who witnesses those sleepless nights when Hyukjae comes crying to him because apparently loving someone who is completely unaware of it does scatter Hyukjae’s peace of mind sometimes. Heechul gets mad about this a few times, he’s mad of the fact that Hyukjae never does anything about his feelings but let them consume him. Hyukjae understands and just takes Heechul’s entire wrath when it happens, because he knows that entire wrath comes from affection and at the end of the day Heechul is always there to console him no matter what.

Hyukjae notices that Donghae wipes yet another tear that escapes his eyes, and for a fleeting moment Hyukjae wants to just come over to Donghae, gather him in his arms and tell him that everything is going to be okay, that not being Super Junior’s Donghae is not the end of the world because he will always be every bit of perfection in Hyukjae’s eyes and nothing can change that. But just like numerous times in the past, Hyukjae stops himself. Too much is at stake for him and being that impulsive is something he can’t afford to do.

Images of his parents, his sister, their previous old and nearly worn down house, and the days Hyukjae has to force himself to sleep to forget the hunger flash in Hyukjae’s mind one painful picture at a time. He has worked so hard to get to where he is, his family is now in a respectable home and those days of worrying if they will be kicked out of the house are long gone and forgotten. But Hyukjae is well aware that he can easily lose all of things if he’s not careful, if he follows his selfish impulse and show the world that his heart and soul really belong to his best friend and the only person he’s willing to jump into a moving traffic for if that means making that person happy. He can’t risk hurting his family, he can’t risk hurting the people who have cheered him on to becoming as successful as he is now, and most of all he can’t risk hurting Donghae.

So Hyukjae tries to bury whatever it is he’s feeling for Donghae, only rarely admitting that he’s indeed hopelessly in love with his best friend, thinking that if he pushes those thoughts and feelings as hard as he can to the corner of his mind he will forget about it. There are times when he’s so close to being honest about what he feels, but he always has enough self control not to go along with it, and he’s always really good at hiding it. Tonight however, that small piece of hope that everything will still be the same even with him being honest grows stronger than ever. A few days from now he might not be seeing Donghae as regular as he used to be, he won’t wake up often to a mop of brunette hair so close to his nose that he can practically inhale the scent of last night’s shower, he won’t hear that loud yet soothing laughter at the practice room, and he won’t have Donghae’s life evolving together with his own.

Donghae is still sitting there all alone, still trying to look strong even though Hyukjae knows for certain that deep inside he’s broken and he’s hoping that someone else will help him keep the pieces closely together. His whole demeanor is calling for Hyukjae and the latter knows it. Hyukjae knows it all too well. Sometimes, very rarely though, Hyukjae feels that Donghae emanates the same needs he has for him. It’s those looks Donghae gives him when he thinks that Hyukjae isn’t looking, that constant need to always be around Hyukjae, and that one special smile that Donghae reserves only for Hyukjae. But they are all fleeting moments that go away as fast and as easily as they come, and they are never enough for Hyukjae to be sure of anything other than believing that Donghae never thinks of him that way.

Tonight is different though, and Hyukjae also notices that whatever grief that consumes Donghae is greater than it used to be. Hyukjae makes his way towards Donghae, almost at the same time as people start leaving the dressing room slowly one by one or arm in arm with someone else. Hyukjae can practically feel Heechul staring holes at the back of his head, can picture the look of encouragement on his face, but Hyukjae decides to ignore that for now. Donghae’s need for him overpowers his personal battle.

“Donghae-ah, if you wanna cry just cry freely. You kinda look like you’re constipated, you know that?”

Donghae chuckles lightly at what Hyukjae said, he’s still sniffling a little bit but it’s easy to see that the hopefulness and some of the sparks are back in his eyes. He stands up from his seat and playfully punches Hyukjae on the chest.

“I don’t wanna cry but at the same time it’s hard to not be sad. It’s all over, Hyukkie.”

Donghae tries to smile, but Hyukjae can see the quivering of his bottom lip that tells a whole different story. Before Hyukjae knows it, Donghae’s eyes meet his and both pairs are b with tears. Donghae’s brown eyes are as see-through as ever, letting Hyukjae in on whatever emotional turmoil that’s happening inside of him. And it’s like he can almost see the 15 year-old Donghae in front of him, awkward, shy, and innocent to the point of being naïve. Not much has changed since then, or maybe Donghae has changed a little bit here and there but that phase is the one that stick out the most to Hyukjae so that’s how he always perceives Donghae to be.

They automatically pull each other closer into an embrace, just like thousands of times before, and all those years of frustration pushed aside bursts out in one crashing wave after another. Tears are now streaming down Hyukjae’s face and it’s easy to tell that Donghae is pretty much in the same state. Hyukjae wants to say something, or rather a lot of things all at once, but the words just don’t come out. How can you put together years’ worth of fear, struggle, and words that are hold back into one single moment? Into one single embrace? Into one single goodbye? It pains Hyukjae to think about goodbyes but that is what awaits them, and he knows that.

“Hyukkie, I… I just… I’m really gonna miss you.”

Hyukjae only nods, finally deciding to bite back whatever he initially wants to say. He lets go of Donghae and mutters a soft ‘me too’ before forcing himself to smile amidst all the tears. He has done it many times before, has pushed his true feelings and emotions aside for years, how hard can it be to do it one last time? Deep inside, Hyukjae tells himself, ‘this is for Donghae, for his own peaceful life, for his own happiness’. He puts an arm around Donghae’s shoulder and they walk out of the dressing room. At least at the very last moment, they have each other.

***

10 YEARS LATER

“Seoyeon-ah, don’t run too fast, wait for your brother!”

“But appa, Donghyunnie is such a slowpoke!”

“Seoyeon-ah, listen to your appa.”

Hyukjae looks over to his wife, surprised at the soft tone she carries when talking to their 6-year-old daughter, and he’s even more surprised that Seoyeon actually listens to her mother, pouting as she walks back towards her younger brother and holds his hand, pace now considerably slower than before. Hyejin grins at her husband’s face as he shakes his head at the obvious demonstration of her authority towards their children.

“They are nagging me nonstop for toys and I bought every single one they ask and you’re the one they listen to?”

“You spend only a week every month with them and you expect them to listen to you?”

Hyejin has a smug look on her face after she says that, because she knows she’s right. Hyukjae chuckles, before finally admitting that Hyejin is indeed right.

“Touche. That was a good one.”

Both Hyejin and Hyukjae laughs lightly, Hyukjae kisses her temple before they fall into a comfortable silence, looking over their children with their hands clasped together. Winter is near, and before Seoul’s weather become to chilly for his children to play at the park, Hyukjae decides to bring them out to play one last time. His daughter Seoyeon loves to play outside and she will hate Hyukjae for the whole winter if he fails to take them out to play before winter. Hyukjae now works mostly in Japan, taking on the role as head choreographer for his company’s branch in Japan, which is why he spends only a week every month in Seoul. This is one of the very rare moments where he can be together with his family. Hyejin works as a chef and she too has tight work schedule.

It has been years since the last time Super Junior had a family reunion. Their last reunion consists of loud cries and laughters of children in an upscale restaurant in Seoul that’s been booked only for them. Of course it’s possible since both Siwon and his wife owns said restaurant. Hyukjae grins as he remembers how Sungmin’s twin boys are just the cause of most of the chaos that day and causing kids to cry all over the place, although he’s very much aware that one of them seems to like Seoyeon. Hyukjae swears he will never let his daughter come close to those trouble makers, but of course Sungmin doesn’t know about this. Heechul just sneers at all of this, blabbing to anyone who’s willing to listen that this is exactly why he will never have children of his own, saying how the world can only handle one Kim Heechul.

Something tugs at Hyukjae’s heart as he realizes that Donghae hasn’t been in any of these reunions. A few months after their last concert, Donghae accepts a job as a producer in a record company in America, and their farewell party is the last time Hyukjae has ever seen Donghae. He hears that Donghae gets married a few years after that to a Korean-American girl who happen to work with him, he also hears that they already have a son who’s about Seoyeon’s age. Sometimes, Hyukjae wonders how the little boy looks like. He wonders if the boy will have Donghae’s big doe eyes, Donghae’s crooked teeth, or Donghae’s soft straight hair. Hyukjae’s sure of one thing though, no matter what the boy looks like, he will be just as beautiful as his father.

Hyukjae misses Donghae so bad at times, but with the amount of time he spends on his job, he gets over it really quickly and settles with sending Donghae an e-mail asking how he has been doing. They call each other when they have time, exchanging a few quick words before their own tight schedules and time difference has to separate them once again. Being in that park, the one Hyukjae and Donghae usually go to after an intense training session when they were both just about 17 years old, Hyukjae gets reminded that it’s one of those days where he misses Donghae, where he wonders how Donghae is doing. Is he healthy? Is he happy? Is he enjoying his life?

“Isn’t that Donghae?”

Hyejin’s question snaps Hyukjae back to reality, and his heart begins to race. What if his wife is mistaken? What if who she sees isn’t Donghae? What if the man with soft brunette hair and big doe eyes hidden by thick-rimmed glasses his wife points to isn’t Donghae? But as Hyukjae takes a closer look, his heart swells with something he can’t quite define, that man really is Donghae. He’s walking hand in hand with a beautiful woman that must’ve been his wife, and the little boy holding his mother’s hand… Hyukjae isn’t wrong for thinking that the boy will be as beautiful as his father. He’s the splitting image of Donghae, even down to the big smile and slightly crooked teeth. They have yet to realize that Hyukjae and his wife are there, but before Hyukjae even lifts his hand to wave at them, Donghae looks directly at him and stops dead in his track.

Hyukjae can’t quite describe the look on Donghae’s face, a lot has changed since the last time they see each other, and for some reason Hyukjae believes that Donghae has changed as well. But as a wide smile appears on Donghae’s face upon realizing that Hyukjae’s there, it feels like nothing ever changes. Hyukjae stands up from his seat and walks towards Donghae, slow at first and gets considerably faster before the two men hugged each other tightly, the feeling strangely familiar to that hug they shared after their last concert. Hyukjae nearly cries out of excitement, his body grows tense from the excitement, surprised that even after all these years, only Donghae who has that effect on him. They smile at each other as they pull apart, their eyes speaking volumes to each other before they even say a word.

“Donghae, my god… I… I don’t even know you’re here.”

“I just got here last night, nobody even knows that I’m here yet, you’re actually the first one to know.”

“Wow, okay, uh… you look really great.”

“Right back at you, you age really gracefully I see.”

“Is that a nice way of telling me I look old?”

“Look? Aren’t you actually old?”

“Well well well, is living in America allow you to have an extra pair of balls to talk to me like that?”

The two men burst into laughter, their playful banter the same as it used to be. A sudden wave of warmth washes over them both despite the quite chilly air, and from the look on Donghae’s eyes, Hyukjae knows that he’s not the only one feeling that way. Nothing changes, Donghae’s eyes are still as obvious as ever to Hyukjae. Donghae introduces Hyukjae and Hyejin to his wife, a beautiful woman named Andrea, who apparently passes down her crystal blue eyes to their son. Hyukjae goes down on one knee, his eyes the same level as Donghae’s son, who looks at Hyukjae timidly while looking up to his father, as if looking for his approval to talk to the stranger. Donghae smiles and motions his head towards Hyukjae, silently telling his son that it’s okay to talk to Hyukjae.

“What’s your name, big guy?”

Hyukjae extends his hand at the little boy, and he shyly answers.

“My name’s Lee Hyukjae.”

At the mention of that name, Hyukjae’s heart stops for a second, his mind taking him back to at least 20 years ago, to that night where he stayed awake with Donghae. Too tired to go out and get something to eat, but too hungry to go to sleep, so they ended up talking about a lot of things which somehow led to them talking about baby names.

“I will name my first child after the love of my life.”

Hyukjae just laughed at that, and Donghae pouted at how his best friend made fun of his brilliant plan.

“That’s just silly, Hae. That’s sillier than silly, bordering on stupid even. What if you have a son? You’re seriously gonna name him after your wife? Do you realize how badly he’ll be beaten in school?”

“No he won’t okay?! It’ll be really cool and you’re just mean to think that way, you !”

Donghae shoved Hyukjae out of his way and stomped out of the room, looking genuinely angry. Hyukjae didn’t know why Donghae was so mad, he was never that mad about anything before. They didn’t talk to each other for a few days after that but naturally they made up and whatever it was that happened were forgotten.

Hyukjae looks at Donghae and smiles at the slight blush on Donghae’s face. Nobody will see that but him, just as nobody will understand that smile Donghae’s giving him other than him. It’s the perfect explanation for what happened that night 20 years ago. It’s the perfect closure for everything.

“You have a very nice name.”

The little boy’s face lights up at the compliment, and he looks at his father with pride clearly written all over his face. Hyukjae brings Donghae and his family to meet his children, Seoyeon is more than excited to find someone her age to play with, complaining loudly that her younger brother is too busy playing with dead leaves to play with her. Hyejin and Andrea run around after their children, while Hyukjae and Donghae sit at the wooden chair a few feet away from their wives and children.

Hyukjae and Donghae’s eyes meet again, and their fingers slightly intertwine. It doesn’t work for them in this life, but who knows what will happen in another life?