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Everything is perfect. One minute they’re laughing carelessly, fingers intertwined and hearts undamaged. The next, they’re hit by a tremendous force. Glass everywhere. Screams. Sirens. Darkness.

Three…

Two…

One…

Everything falls apart.

******

“He’ll wake up.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

“He will…when he’s ready.”

“He’ll wake up only to find out that –-“

******

Jongin’s body twists violently. His heart pounds in his chest and his shirt is drenched in sweat. His hand grabs for something – anything – beside him, but his fingers close around thin air. “Luhan!” he shouts, panic rising in his throat when there is no answer. He’s about to bolt right through the door without even bothering to open it first, but is stopped when a light-brown head pops into the bedroom. Jongin feels his shoulders drop to the floor in relief. He’s here. Luhan’s here. “Where were you?” he asks.

“I was in the kitchen. Why were you screaming?” Luhan is wearing a lime-green apron, and looks perfectly fine. His right cheek is covered in flour and his oily hair looks like it’s glued to his forehead, but otherwise…perfectly fine.

Jongin releases a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “I woke up, and I thought you were – I – never mind.” The sentence is too painful for Jongin to even think about. He can’t explain it, but when he woke up, his whole body had been trembling with sheer terror and he’d had this terrible, heart-wrenching feeling that Luhan might be --

Luhan sits down on the bed, Jongin’s leg reassuringly. “You were having a nightmare again, weren’t you?” he asks quietly.

It feels like something has gotten stuck in Jongin’s throat, because he suddenly finds it extremely difficult to speak. So he settles with a shameful nod instead.  Besides, he isn’t sure if he could’ve opened his mouth without breaking into a sob anyway.

The corners of Luhan’s lips turn upwards, but there’s a sadness looming over the older boy’s expression, and Jongin can’t quite feel the comfort he needs in Luhan’s smile. It feels wrong. So, so terribly wrong.

But then the moment is broken, and Luhan scoots closer so he can wrap his arms around the younger boy. He’s gotten skinnier, Jongin notes, and his embrace isn’t as strong as it used to be, but then Luhan whispers into his ear; “I’m here. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

And that’s all Jongin really needs to know.

******

A lot of things change after the accident. Whether it’s for the better or worse, Jongin doesn’t know, but there are definitely changes. For one, his and Luhan’s apartment is much cleaner now than he’s ever seen it during the three and a half years he’s lived there with his boyfriend. He suddenly finds himself in an awfully peaceful environment. It’s not just that everything seems to be quiet outside, as if the traffic has stopped and the people have disappeared, but like the whole world has decided to leave the two of them alone. No one ever contacts them anymore, and Jongin wonders if maybe their family and friends are letting them recover and rest in private. He appreciates the thought, but he thinks maybe they’ve taken it a little to the extreme.

The biggest change, of course, is Luhan himself. When he’s not cleaning (and that alone should make Jongin worried, because Luhan never cleans) or tending Jongin’s wounds, he’s in the kitchen wearing his lime-green apron and burying his head in a receipt book they bought when they first moved into the apartment but never really opened.

Today is no exception. It’s Sunday, and Luhan is stirring something in a massive bowl, no doubt in the middle of cooking something that is guaranteed to give Jongin food poisoning later. His face is covered in flour and there is butter in his hair. Although Jongin doesn’t think he’ll be able to get any of it down, he’s still touched by the effort. “You’ve become so much nicer since the accident,” he tells Luhan, softly brushing an oily hair lock away from the older boy’s forehead. “Maybe I should get hurt more often.”

The bad joke isn’t appreciated, however, because Luhan bats away his hand, annoyed. “Don’t.”

Jongin flinches. “I’m sorry. Too early?”

“Yes.”

They fall into a long moment of suffocating silence. It’s the longest they’ve gone so far without saying anything, and Jongin feels a tearing sensation in his chest that has nothing to do with his injuries from the accident. It’s been there ever since he woke up, and gets worse with every passing minute.

Luhan is the first to break the silence. “We’re going on a picnic,” he announces, and Jongin breathes a sigh of relief, happy that Luhan doesn’t even try to pretend like that was a question.

“Okay,” he says, only too happy to finally get out of the apartment.

*******

The result of the many hours spent in the kitchen turns out to be a basket filled with sandwiches, tiny kimbaps-a-la Luhan and mini-pancakes. It’s quite a lovely picnic basket, Jongin has to admit, but looks can certainly be deceiving. When Luhan feeds him a kimbap with eggs, meat and cucumber, Jongin’s first impulse is to spit it right out again. Instead, he forces it down to avoid hurting his boyfriend’s feelings. “What’s wrong?” Luhan asks worriedly, no doubt having caught the “wtf is this” look on Jongin’s face.

There are so many things wrong with this tiny bite of kimbap, Jongin thinks. It’s too salty, the eggs are undercooked, the rice is overcooked, and Jongin is almost positive that he can taste chocolate syrup. Chocolate syrup should never be in kimbap. He doesn’t want to kill Luhan’s spirits though, so he settles for, “maybe just a tad bit too salty.”

“What?” Luhan stuffs two large kimbap bites into his mouth, and he spits it out after only chewing it for ten seconds. “This is horrible,” he admits. He looks deflated, like a kid that just found out that Santa clause isn’t real after all.

“It’s fine,” Jongin reassures him. “At least the pancakes are eatable. And these sandwiches are great.” Jongin neglects to mention that those “great sandwiches” are really, really dry and hurt his throat when he tries to swallow.

They’re sitting on a green lawn in a literally empty park, only in the company of beautiful spring flowers and chirping birds. Jongin isn’t sure why no one else is outdoors having a picnic in the park on such a warm spring day, but he’s also sort of happy that Luhan managed to find such a peaceful, isolated area.

It’s strange. Minus the aching in his chest, Jongin feels physically fine. He has the bandages around his waist and head to prove otherwise, but all circumstances considered, he feels really great. There’s an undeniable sadness looming over them constantly after the accident, and Jongin can’t shake the feeling that there’s something – something he’s not getting, but as Luhan aims a tiny strawberry at his mouth and laughs when it hits his nose instead, those worries dissipate into unimportant blurs in his head.

******

On Monday, Jongin wakes up alone in their bed, no sight of Luhan anywhere. The only sign that proves Luhan has been there in the first place is a note on his boyfriend’s pillow, the words hastily scribbled down with Luhan’s messy handwriting.

If you see this, go back to sleep again and I’ll be there when you wake up.

Any normal person would at least add a reason for their sudden disappearance, but trust Luhan to leave only a half-assed message that makes Jongin more worried than reassured. He doesn’t think he can fall asleep again anyway, so he rolls out of bed and heads to the kitchen for a glass of water. He makes it all the way to the sink before he realizes something so obvious that he almost wants to slap himself for not noticing it earlier. Luhan’s injuries. Jongin can’t remember once seeing Luhan hurt or tired, or any signs of him having been in the same accident, although Jongin knows for a fact that they were hit by that truck together. He even remembers hearing Luhan’s screams.

How could Luhan have recovered so quickly? And when did he recover?

Jongin doesn’t remember falling asleep again, but when he wakes up, he’s sitting on the couch, his head resting on Luhan shoulder. “You’re back,” he says, relieved despite of himself. There’s no reason for Luhan to have not been there, and yet Jongin feels like his boyfriend is always just a second from disappearing from him.

“I’m here,” Luhan assures him, sounding relieved himself.

They decide to stay in that day, Luhan insisting on making dinner and watching Jongin’s favorite movie, Inception. “You hate Inception,” Jongin points out as Leonardo Dicaprio finds a gun pointed to his head.

There is no answer, and it takes Jongin a while to notice that Luhan isn’t paying attention to the movie. His eyes aren’t even on the screen at all. He’s gazing at Jongin with an insatiable look on his face, like he could look and look and it would never be enough. “Luhan…”

In a split second, Luhan’s mouth is pressed against his, and Jongin brings his hands up to Luhan’s face gently. “The movie,” he manages to get out in between Luhan’s intense kisses, the older only taking breaks to gasp for air.

“You’re right,” Luhan replies, his hands fumbling with the buttons on Jongin’s shirt. “I hate that movie. It .”

Jongin disagrees, but he doesn’t really care enough to argue as Luhan pushes him towards the bedroom. Every piece of cloth is shed even before they reach the bed, and as Jongin traps Luhan in his arms, the latter holds onto him so tightly that Jongin isn’t really sure if he’s ever going to be able to let go.

******

On Tuesday, their idyllic moment from yesterday has been broken and Jongin is once again brought back to reality. He and Luhan are still under the sheets, Luhan’s hands playing with Jongin’s hair as the younger boy struggles with his internal thoughts. Jongin bites the insides of his lips, which is something he’s come to do a lot lately out of nervousness. He’s…confused, above all, having so many questions on his mind but having no idea how to voice them out.

“What are you thinking about?” Luhan asks, pressing a soft kiss against his temple.

“The – the accident,” Jongin answers truthfully. He doesn’t really want to bring it up, because the temperature in the room always seems to decrease by tenfold whenever they start talking about that topic. Luhan stops playing with his hair immediately, and Jongin can feel it –- he can feel his boyfriend starting to distance himself away from him again.

But there’s so much he needs to know. “I’m confused,” he says quietly, his eyes searching for Luhan’s, but the older boy is refusing to look at him. “I just – I can’t remember anything.”

“What can’t you remember, Jongin?” Luhan snaps, and Jongin flushes. Gaining more confidence from Luhan’s aggressive tone, Jongin raises his voice. “Nothing,” he says, loud enough for it to echo through the room. “I can’t ing remember anything from after the accident. The hospital, the recovery, when we came home to the apartment. I can’t remember ever stepping my toe inside this apartment after the accident, before I suddenly found myself in our bed. I can’t remember seeing my parents, your parents, or our friends, or ing anyone since we came home and I -– I –“

Jongin pales, suddenly realizing something he’s been missing. “And I have no idea where my phone is. Or your phone. Why hasn’t anyone been calling? Why haven’t you been to work? Why can’t I even remember when the accident happened?” A tear slowly runs down Luhan’s cheek, but he offers Jongin no answers or logical explanations or even comforting words.

“And why am I just realizing these things now?” Jongin pushes himself to a sitting position, his hands clasping both sides of his head. He wants someone to knock some clarity into him, because right now, he’s just so horribly confused and nothing makes ing sense. “What is happening to me?”

Luhan scoots closer so he can give him a bone-crushing hug, and although Jongin struggles to break free, the older refuses to let go. “Please, Jongin,” he says with a trembling voice. “Just, please forget about this now. Can’t we just live in the moment, please? Forget about everything else. It’s just you and me.”

“But –-“

“I’ll make us breakfast, although I’m a horrible cook. And I’ll cook for you every day this week. And we’ll watch Inception a thousand times if you want. We’ll go out and play soccer. We’ll do anything you want and we’ll just forget about everything else…please.” Luhan looks at him pleadingly, and although there are still a hundred questions burning on Jongin’s tongue, he can feel his determination crumbling.

“Okay,” he finally agrees. “Okay.”

********

“Forgetting about everything else” is only too easy when Luhan makes sure to give Jongin the best days of his life. Luhan’s cooking is improving, and he spends twenty-four hours a day bathing Jongin in love and affection. Jongin has never felt so cared for, so appreciated, and he can’t say that he doesn’t like it.

“Forgetting about everything else” is simple when they take long walks in the park, reminiscing about their past. Their first meeting, when Jongin had walked into that café as a favor to Baekhyun who really wanted to set him up on a blind date, and walked out without his heart. Their first kiss, when Luhan had used that horrible trick where he pretended like Jongin had food on the corner of his mouth. Their one-year anniversary. Their two-year anniversary. The first time Jongin had told someone those three words and meant it with all his heart. The first time Luhan had replied “I love you too” and Jongin had been so sure, so sure that he was never going to love anyone the way he loved Luhan.

“Forgetting about everything else” is something Jongin could get used to, as Luhan’s soft lips brushes against his own and he feels his heart growing and growing, until it’s almost painful, and Jongin thinks; this is what it means to love someone so much it hurts.

*******

There are days, however, when reality is threatening to pull Jongin out of his and Luhan’s perfect little bubble. When the aching in his chest only seems to worsen, and he feels like everything around him is slowly but surely slipping away from him, or maybe it’s him that is pulled away from everything else, and the only thing keeping him in place is Luhan. Jongin clings onto him for dear life, but there are moments when he feels hopeless and desperate, like clutching Luhan’s hand won’t be enough forever, and that there’ll come a day when he’ll be forced to let go.

*******

Jongin didn’t think that day would come so soon. One minute, he’s folding his and Luhan’s shirts, and the next, the world starts to spin and he’s pulled into darkness. Jongin has never passed out before. The strange thing about fainting, is that he knows he’s technically unconscious, but he’s still perfectly aware of everything around him. He soon decides that he must be dreaming after all, because none of the voices he hears is Luhan’s, and the words they’re saying can’t be true. Jongin doesn’t want them to be true.

When he comes to himself, it’s most definitely Luhan that it’s kneeling beside him, his hand Jongin’s face affectionately. Only, Jongin can barely feel the touch, and Luhan’s perfect features are blurry. He blinks several times, trying to clear his vision, but the image of his boyfriend only gets more and more hazy.

What he definitely sees, however, are the tears streaming down the older boy’s face. “Don’t cry,” he wants to tell him. “Don’t…”

“I’m sorry,” Luhan says. “I’ve been so selfish.” Jongin thinks that’s a load of bull, because no, Luhan, you’re the most selfless person I know. “I wanted you to stay with me because I love you so much. I couldn’t bear to let you go. I – I never got to say goodbye.”

I don’t understand, what are you talking about? Jongin screams in his head. “Luhan…” he’s glad to discover that he can speak again. He tries to grab Luhan around the waist, but the older boy seems so far away – so out of his reach.

“I’m sorry, Jongin. I’m sorry I can’t make food to save my life, and for never cleaning, and never watching movies with you, and never taking you on picnics –“

“Stop it,” Jongin cuts him off. “Stop it, you’re perfect.”

“I’m sorry I won’t be there with you every morning you wake up, and every night you go to sleep. I wanted us to grow old together. I want it, Jongin. I want it more than anything.” Luhan swallows, and this time, some of his tears hit Jongin’s forehead. “I wanted to do everything for you. Make up for everything. We’ve had three years together, but we haven’t had enough.”

“You –- you have to go, Jongin.”

What? No! No, no, no. “What are you –“

“I promised that I’d always be here, I’d never leave you, because Jongin, you’re the one who has to leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere –“

“Your parents. They miss you. If you don’t go back, they’re going to experience the same grief that my parents are going through right now. They’re going to lose their son.”

Jongin doesn’t know what to answer. Somehow, he’s always known in his heart of hearts that this moment would come. That the perfect world, where it was only he and Luhan, wasn’t reality, and it would never be. No matter how many times he woke up beside Luhan, he would always be dreaming, and the real world was still waiting for him to come back.

Finally, the words he’d heard while he was unconscious comes back to slap him in the face. “He’ll wake up only to find out that Luhan’s gone.”

“But I only need you,” he finally says, and as soon as the words leave his mouth, he’s overwhelmed by the truth of them. He only needs Luhan. Nothing else matters. Even if he lives a hundred years, it’ll never be enough if Luhan isn’t going to be with him. Maybe that’s why he’s still here. Because Luhan is the only thing keeping him here. The only thing Jongin can hold on to.

But sometimes, holding on isn’t enough when the other person is pulling away.

“At least I’ll get to say goodbye to you this time,” Luhan whispers. “At least we got to have one more month together.”

“It was the best month of my life,” Jongin presses out. He sounds like he’s being choked, and it feels like he is – suffocated by the pain in his chest.

“And mine. Tell my parents I love them. Tell Baekhyun I said “thanks for introducing me to Jongin” –“ A sob escapes Jongin’s lips “ – be good to your parents. Stop fighting with your sister. Your family can be difficult, but you know that they love you. Forgive them for yelling at you.”

“And I don’t mind if you don’t clean the apartment, but at least make it habitable. I don’t want you to get sick. I want you to take care of yourself. Call your friends. Have fun. Live your life.”

How can I live my life without you, Luhan?

“I regret nothing, Jongin. Thank you for loving me and giving me the best three years of my life.  I love you so.”

Luhan leans down to press a kiss on Jongin’s forehead, then Jongin’s nose, his cheeks, his chin, and finally, his lips. Jongin wishes he could freeze the moment and stay like this forever.

And Jongin desperately wants to say something, because this is so, so wrong, and this isn’t the way it was supposed to end --

“Don’t forget me.”

I won’t. I never will. I never could. But Luhan knows. Luhan knows how Jongin feels. Luhan knows that Jongin will live the rest of his life missing and longing for the older boy. He knows that he has taken a piece of Jongin’s heart, and that the gaping hole in Jongin’s chest is going to be there forever where Luhan’s love and presence should’ve filled it. Life is cruel. Maybe that’s why people always wish for the impossible, dream for the unreachable, and live for the fantasies. Jongin has always been more of a realist than a fantasist, but now, he wishes he could dream forever, because waking up means that he will lose Luhan.

It’s strange, that after spending your life with someone for over three years, seeing each other every day, after all those pointless conversations and arguments, it comes to the point where the words and the impact of them actually matter, and you suddenly don’t know what to say at all.

It’s hard to put every “thank you for the memories” and “sorry for the times I hurt you” into one, single goodbye, but Jongin realizes that in the end, it’s only three words that matter.

“I love you.”

*******

He knows that he’s back, really back, when he wakes up in a hospital bed and the relieved faces of his mom, his dad and his older sister meet him. There are needles stuck into his arms, and he can hear people shouting, “he’s awake! Get the doctor, quickly!” and “oh my god, baby, I can’t believe you’re back. I thought we’d lost you.”

His head feel like it might explode any second, it hurts to breathe and he’s pretty sure that an elephant is stomping on his ribs, but none of that is anything compared to the pain of knowing that Luhan’s gone, and Luhan’s never coming back, and Luhan will never kiss him again, will never make dry sandwiches or chocolate kimbap for Jongin to eat again, and he’ll never, ever feel perfectly whole the way he does when he holds Luhan in his arms. “He’s gone,” he says, and there’s finality to his words. He knows without a doubt that this is reality, and it hurts so much that he keeps repeating it over and over again until it hurts less. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone.

It never stops hurting.

Everything was perfect. One minute, they were loving each other and forgetting about everything and everyone else because it was just the two of them, and the next, it’s just Jongin. Just Jongin.

Three…

Two…

One…

Everything falls apart.

---------------------------------

AN: A MASSIVE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READ THIS! Means the world to me :) Leave a comment and tell me what you think?

And for everyone who is confused about this, I'll just roughly explain it; Basically, Jongin and Luhan were in a car accident. The car they sat in was hit by a truck, and Luhan, who sat in the driver seat, was killed instantly, while Jongin fell into a coma. Jongin was in a coma for roughly two weeks (he thinks it's a month) during which he spent in this kind of limbo-ish place between life and death. Jongin mentions that he feels like something is trying to pull him away from the world he's in, but really, it means that he's close to waking up form his coma, and the only thing holding him there is his love for Luhan, because neither is wiling to let go of the other. But then Jongin does wake up, and Luhan's already dead. Hence the description; "He can't escape his dreams, and reality is still waiting for him to come back." No matter how many times Jongin wakes up beside Luhan, it's never reality, and the "perfect" world with just him and Luhan will never be real.