Dear Donghae

by codenameclumsy

Dear Donghae,

Hello, how have you been? That’s sounds so lame. I’m at writing letter. I know how you have been, so there’s no need to ask your condition. How about my condition? I don’t know, I’m becoming crazier and crazier as the day goes. My life has turned into chaos, if you want to know. (And by I mean chaos… it really is meant literally chaos, just look at my apartment.) I feel like I’m changing into a whole different person. No, I’m still the almighty Kim Heechul, just… with much more emphasized feeling. One day I would be very happy, and minutes later the world crumbled down right in front of me. And no, if you think of it… no, I might be prettier than the Miss Korea or National Maiden or all Girl’s Generation’s beauty added up, but I’m a 100% man, and man didn’t have period.

You know that I really love you, right? Stop, don’t laugh, it is cheesy but it’s true! Donghae, don’t laugh! Let me continue! So… Where am I again? Oh, yes. You’re the Dongsaeng I treasure the most. Even if you’re weird and all, you’re one of a kind. Don’t sing… don’t even think about GD’s song, I’m being serious right here, just don’t ruin the moment okay? I just wanted to tell you that I love you and always respect you.

I think you already feel it the first time you start reading the letter. The great Kim Heechul didn’t write letter. But really, I don’t know how to get you except by letter. Blame that idea of yours about the whole Letter’s Box. I wanted to laugh at first when Jessica told me about the box, the one you made for her because it was hard for her to express her feelings. She said you wanted her to write the feelings she couldn’t express in a letter and put it on the box, when she was angry, hurt, happy, or anything… So you could read it and knew how she felt. That was the most cheesiest yet cutest too ever. It was so funny to think that you two, who had been married for like 5 years, still that awkward to tell each other feelings. Then I knew how Jessica really was. How there were walls between her and the world. How difficult it was for her to tell what really was inside. So, right know, maybe I’m on the same case like her, I couldn’t express my feelings and there’s only you in the world I trust enough to be told.

See? From all that you’ve read… This is not who I used to be. You have notice that there’s something not quite right, right? And the letter is not finished yet. I’m going to surprise you even more throughout the letter. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you… Can you find a comfortable sofa there? Just sit comfortably and listen to me.

I think I’m in love with you wife. Yes, that introvert annoying woman. That Jung Sooyeon. That Jessica.

There, I just said it. Don’t get a heart attack just yet, take a deep breath. Don’t puke too, just don’t do anything. But you do can get mad, you must be furious after all, me being the jerk here.

But please continue read it… Look how I’m begging here? I’m begging! Kim Heechul never beg.. It just so hard… and I don’t know anyone else I can talk about this.

If you asked me since when I fell for her… I’m quite unsure myself. The first time you introduced her to me, I found her quite strange. She was so different from your ex girlfriends. She never talked. Arrogant and all. Even though she was undoubtedly beautiful, how she reacted to things and everything… I never think you could fall for that type of girl. Your girlfriends had always been the cheerful, bubbly, and cute. I always thought that you two would not last long.

And then you two were married. I was still shocked when I attended your wedding. But seeing your happy face, I thought that maybe this girl was really the one for you.

This is all your fault. This is happened because you left her. If only you never left, my life wouldn’t be such a mess like this. I believed you were happy with her, that she was the one. But then again you left. Because the day you left her, that’s the day I started to fall.

You see, this girl… is like a rock. Hard. The day you left… She was not even shed a single tears. She stood still… Her face was as cold as ever. Just like that. Every day, she was on an autopilot move, doing her daily activity as if nothing happened. Maybe because she was your wife or it just my plain excuse… I found myself looking after her from afar. She with her cold appearance looked like a broken robot who repeated the same action over and over again.

And it was exactly two weeks, she collapsed. I rushed to take her to hospital. I was panicked at that time, but that woman, yes, that ungrateful woman, just smiled when she woke up, not bothering to say thanks or explaining to me that she was okay(or at least trying to convince me she was okay!). I panicked for her and she didn’t even slightly care about herself.

I should be ashamed of myself, but I was having a hard time, and she… acting all normal about the whole situation didn’t help me at all. I cried sobbed like a lost little puppy in front of her at that time, I shouted at her how her indifferent façade worrying me, how much I lost you, and all… I shouted nonsense to her, to a pregnant woman. This is how crazy I am. I should be ashamed of myself.

And again, she just stood there, looking at me with those cold eyes of her. Her hand reached out to wipe my tears. Surprisingly… that hand of a cold woman was extremely warm. It gave me a pleasant feeling, it calmed me down.

I should be ashamed of myself, the time when I supposed to be a moral support to her, it became otherwise. “I’m sorry..” she then said, still wiping my tears. I looked at her in disbelieve but couldn’t make up a single word. “It hurts here.” She pointed her chest, “It really is hurt.”

“Thank you for worrying me,” she added, “Donghae had a nice hyung.”

This is all your mistake. If only you didn’t leave, if only you were right there for her. The feelings grew from sympathy to admiration, and slowly… I just found myself couldn’t take my eyes of her. Maybe this is just because she is your wife.

This is all your own mistake that I fell in love with your wife.

I’m really crazy, am I? Write a letter to dead per

Dear Donghae,

Our babies are expected to be born next month. Yeah, I finally went to take a look after very hard persuading from Uncle Heechul and I found out that they are twin. I really wanted to see it with you, but you know, I was being impossible here.

I’m the happiest mom in the world. Even if Uncle Heechul said I looked like a murderer with big belly.

I already told you in the last letter, and the letter before that, and the letter before before that, right? That you were really lucky to have Heechul. You had a really nice Hyung. Even if he was more difficult than the emotional wreck pregnant me… He always took care of me in everything.

He said he wanted to write a letter to you, but I guess he never finished it. Just yesterday, I found him crying again in the couch with crumpled pieces of paper everywhere near him. I hope he wouldn’t cry again in the future… I don’t know how to make him happy. Please make him happy, Donghae.

Yours faithfully,

Jessica