When Minhyun was a young, young child, an adult that was close to him would often tell him to test the winds by his finger and holding it up in the air. After they passed away, he fancied using a piece of tissue or a sheet of paper.

 

With Victoria, he didn’t want to care what direction the wind blew. As long as the currents kept flowing and she kept standing here with him, hair dancing in the wind and smile as bright as day, nothing else mattered.

 

Nothing mattered but her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She smiles to herself when she feels Minhyun wrap his arms around her from behind, hands over hers to help her maneuver the kite they’re flying.

 

“The wind is pretty strong today,” he comments, his voice soft against her hair. “Be careful.”

 

Victoria nods, leaning back against his chest when he tries to push a little closer. There’s very little distance between them, both physically and emotionally.

 

Sometimes, they both feel as though they’ve reached a point in their friendship where words don’t need to be spoken and certain things don’t need to be done. They are there for one another, through hardship or celebration, and Victoria appreciates that, with all her heart.

 

Week after week, months after months, and before they know it, a year rolls by.

 

A day feels like a year, a year feels like a day—to Victoria, there is no real difference. The only difference she knows is when Minhyun is there and when Minhyun is absent.

 

It’s an absence that empties a corner of her heart and drowns out her breaths, slow and suffocating.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sitting shoulder to shoulder, Victoria can feel the small tremble of Minhyun’s body when he shivers. She bites down on her bottom lip and brings herself a little closer, reaching out and gesturing for his hand.

 

Minhyun obediently lifts his hand to hers.

 

“Are you cold?” Victoria asks.

 

“No,” Minhyun lies.

 

Victoria just chuckles and rubs his hand, huffing into it to keep it warm. “Sorry to drag you out with me so late,” she apologizes, “I didn’t want to bother Luna because she has a test tomorrow.”

 

“I have finals too,” he playfully argues.

 

Her expression immediately darkens. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“It’s fine,” Minhyun laughs, grabbing one of her hands and pulling it into his lap. He laces their fingers together and leans his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes. “I prefer being out here with you rather than studying in my room anyways.”

 

Victoria’s voice becomes very quiet, guilty. “You’ll have a hard time tomorrow then. I’m sorry, Minhyun. I shouldn’t have called you out. I should have known better.”

 

Except, he isn’t really listening anymore after she says sorry. He sits up and pulls her to face him, reaching out to brush her fringes from her face. “I don’t ever want to hear you say you’re sorry to me again, you hear?”

 

She doesn’t respond.

 

“You can be sorry about anything you want, but not for spending time with me, alright? That sounds stupid.” Minhyun scolds. “Stupid and insensitive.”

 

Chuckling, Victoria slaps his hands off her shoulders and shakes her head. “You act like a kid sometimes,” she says, “more than Luna does.”

 

Minhyun swoops in and presses a quick peck to her lips. Victoria freezes in her spot, unsure of how to react. “That’s the first time a girl has called me a kid,” he grits through his teeth, “I don’t want to ever hear that again either, alright?”

 

She lowers her head, lips to her fingers. There are questions she wants to ask, things she wants to say, but she keeps to herself.

 

Answers were never really something she had strong desire for—especially when she couldn’t feel herself breathing, and happiness stood on a thin, fragile line.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first snow of the year falls; Victoria and Minhyun are standing outside of a coffee shop, under the shelter with their hands held out to catch the flakes.

 

Each speck is cold and wet in her palm, but she likes it.

 

“The snowflakes are huge this year,” Minhyun comments casually. He glances over at Victoria, who is entranced by the cold and the way everything feels around her. He un-wraps his scarf from his neck and circles it around hers.

 

“Oh,” she mutters, stumbling over her own feet because of being caught off guard.

 

Minhyun laughs and catches her, pulling her back towards him. “It’s cold,” he says, his breath forming clouds in the air.

 

She nods; the tip of her nose tinted a rosy red. “Is there anything you’d like to do?”

 

Pondering over the question, he throws one arm over her shoulder and leans on her. “Maybe it’s time to formally introduce you to my friends.”

 

“What?”

 

Minhyun laughs and bends forward, speaking to her at eye level. “They’ve only ever stolen glances of you when we meet up or when they drop me off with you,” he says, “they’re curious about you, you know?”

 

“But I don’t know them,” Victoria says. “It will be awkward.”

 

“They’re nice,” Minhyun insists. “There’s going to be a gig later this week and they’ll be performing. Will you go with me?”

 

“I—“

 

“Please?” Minhyun asks, shaking her and hugging her all at the same time.

 

Victoria laughs, not really finding it in her to say no. “I’ve never been to a gig before,” she sighs, “I don’t know how I’ll react.”

 

“They’re not easily scared away.” Minhyun grins. Then he grabs her hand and they return to their table in the café, the waitress approaching them with refilled cups of hot cocoa.

 

It’s been a little over a year and finally, finally they’re taking a smaller step away from the starting point.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“If you could be reborn, what would you want to be?”

 

“Nothing.” She says, and the whistle of the train intercepts the fading out of her voice, doors sliding open and people slipping in and out and a robotic voice echoes over the intercom. He reaches out for her hand and guides her to a seat inside, close to the door. “I don’t want to be reborn, Oppa. Living… it’s too hard.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Securing Victoria’s jacket tightly, Luna watches as Minhyun leans over the counter to grab a pair of warm gloves for her as well.

 

She pops some almonds into and chews, fingers curled under her chin. “What time are you bringing Vic back?” Luna asks, eyebrows furrowing when Minhyun nearly trips over a stool nearby.

 

“It won’t be long,” he promises.

 

Victoria bites down on her lip, nervous.

 

“Why don’t you grab the wool scarf upstairs? It will be a lot warmer than the one Vic has on right now,” Luna suggests.

 

Minhyun nods and jogs for the stairs.

 

“Relax,” Luna laughs, pressing some almonds against Victoria’s lips. Victoria opens and accepts them. “You’ll have fun.”

 

“Remember to tell Oppa when he comes home,” she reminds the younger girl. “He’ll be worried sick if he doesn’t see me.”

 

Luna hums. “So, does this make the two of you official?”

 

“Official?” Victoria echoes.

 

“You guys have been pushing and pulling since last year,” Luna judges, “haven’t you thought about making things solid? Especially since you’ve got your commitment to your promise with op—“

 

“Shh!” Victoria hushes.

 

Luna pouts. “You haven’t told him?”

 

“No,” Victoria admits honestly. She feels around for her bag and Luna scoots it in front of her. After she grips onto the front pocket, she pulls it into her lap. “I haven’t told him anything. How can I? He’s so… unprepared.”

 

“Hm,” Luna hums again. “Unprepared. That’s not very descriptive. Do you mean young?”

 

“Is he young?” Victoria suddenly perks up.

 

Luna’s eyes widen. “You haven’t asked?”

 

“I… no?” Victoria stutters. “He doesn’t act very young and his tone of voice is pretty firm, so I assumed—“

 

“Is there anything else you need before we go?”

 

Victoria is awkwardly bent forward in her seat when Minhyun returns, immediately settling beside her and replacing her scarf with the wool one he retrieved. He glances towards Luna when Victoria doesn’t reply, but Luna simply shrugs, picking at almonds in her plate.

 

“Alright then, let’s go.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s dark and crowded and there are too many things about this bar that make it a dangerous place for her to be there, but Victoria sits steel still in her seat, huddled close against Minhyun as he interactively watches his friends on stage.

 

There are too many people talking, the clinking of glass against glass and cans against table counters strike nerves in her head and everything in her body aches.

 

Music, voices; there’s just too much of everything.

 

“You should sing with them for this song, Minhyun.” One of his friends suggests.

 

Victoria becomes interested. “You sing?”

 

“No,” Minhyun excuses the thought, “don’t listen to them.”

 

“Go on,” his friend urges.

 

Minhyun wraps an arm around Victoria and shakes his head. “I have to watch my girl.”

 

“We’ll watch her for you.”

 

Suddenly, Victoria feels a cold current against her arm where Minhyun was sitting. The empty seat is soon taken by another person— Amber, Victoria associates the voice to a name— but she still feels cold.

 

Feeling a little helpless, Minhyun takes Victoria’s hand, causing her to jump in alert, and presses a kiss to the back of it. “Don’t worry, alright? I’ll be right back.”

 

His friends whistle at him, delightfully enjoying this side of him they’d never seen before.

 

“You know, ever since Minhyun met you, he’s been spending less and less time with us.” Amber says, breaking the silence.

 

Victoria apologizes.

 

“No, no,” Amber quickly brushes it off. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s just, before Minhyun met you no matter how many times his girlfriends used to complain to him, he would ignore them and hang out with us. It’s different, but not the bad kind, I guess. Well, for you at least.”

 

“Are you saying he’s changed because of me?” Victoria asks.

 

Amber thins her lips into a line. “I guess you could say that. He’s never been so lost before, either.”

 

“Lost?”

 

The microphone screeches before the lead singer of the band laughs and makes some kind of introduction. Amber pauses for a moment, but returns her attention back to Victoria. “He likes you and it’s his first time actually liking someone. Whenever he talks to us about it, he starts stuttering and getting confused because he’s not used to feeling this way. It’s funny.”

 

“He’s loved before,” Victoria states, rather seriously. “If he’s loved before, how can he not understand the feeling of liking someone? Doesn’t that come first?”

 

Amber laughs. “Love? The kid doesn’t even know what that word means. Well, not until recently at least.”

 

When Amber glances back towards the stage, Minhyun is under the lights, eyes gleaming and a grin on his face. He adjusts the microphone stand to his height as mutters a few things to the band before searching into the crowd and finding Victoria.

 

It’s the way he stares, with a little too much of a mix of worry and affection, that gives him away.

 

“I think it’s safe to say Minhyun likes you a little too much,” Amber declares. “Maybe it’s more than just liking,”

 

Victoria suddenly feels sick to the stomach. Her hands are trembling and there’s an odd sour feeling crawling throughout her body—numbing her. She reaches into her purse and takes out her guiding rod, assembling it and standing.

 

In the distance, she can hear Minhyun’s voice echoing over the speakers. His voice is clear, sweet, and a little too glamorous in her ears.

 

When she turns her back to the voice, she’s turning her back to her feelings. There are some feelings in this world that Victoria cannot afford to have—feelings like butterflies in her stomach, reddening cheeks and a hastening heartbeat that makes it hard for her to breathe.

 

She can’t have these feelings; not when she’s a person who only knows how to breathe because she has to and not because she wants to.