a/n

i want a place on the guinnes world records for the most long parenthesis ever! /applause
ok no sorry.
what is this? this was supposed to be a drabble on the drabble fic thing i will post later, but i continued on writing since this became too long. ;; about 1800 words. yaay
soad are my second favourite band (out of kpop -and nell bc they're a unique category-, after linkin park ♥) and they inspire my writing! yoohoo. i also can't go to their concert in my country, not yoohoo.

well. enjoy.                                                         

                                                             roulette

i have a problem that i cannot explain

have no reason why it should have been so plain

confusing.
confusing is the perfect word to describe his relationship with sunggyu.
he doesn't know what's the problem. but for sure, there is a problem.
he behaves completely the same, he is still cheesy and affectionate.
but something changed. if not in woohyun, in sunggyu.
sunggyu does love him, he's sure. but he doesn't feel... like the same.

have no questions but i sure have excuse,

i lack the reason why i should be so confused

woohyun notices that sunggyu he is not like always.
one time he avoids him, another time he kisses him, kisses that feel desperate, like he is trying to confirm something.
but what?
he is sure that he is always the same, he didn't do anything strange.
maybe the other is simply sick of him. he doesn't want to be with him anymore.
and soon, he confirmed that.

i know how i feel when i'm around you

"woohyun, maybe... we should have a pause." sunggyu says casually. woohyun remains silent. he knew that this moment would arrive, but he expected a bit later. he hoped a bit later.
"...why? i haven't done anything wrong, what's the reason?" i don't want to leave you, i love you, he wants to say, but he can't. it will only make things more difficult.
"it's not you, woohyun. the problem is about myself. i don't... i don't know. i don't feel worth it. i don't feel worth...you."
"what nonsense is that? you are worth me, and a billion better. i don't accept this as a reason."
"woohyun, it's damn complicated. please, let me leave." he approaches the door, when he feels a grip on his wrist. he turns, only to see a teary woohyun.

"sunggyu, don't leave me... i beg you." sunggyu tries to escape the grip on his wrist. he needs to go. "woohyun, i only need some time. i will come back." no, you won't, woohyun thinks, but he lets go anyway.

"just... promise me i won't be replaced."
"i don't know if i can promise that, woohyun. life goes on."
"how can you say that? after all this time?"

"just be happy, woohyun. maybe i'll come back, maybe not." he was crying too. let me be selfish, only once, sunggyu thinks. "you... promise me that you'll always love me, even only a bit, if i won't come."
"kim sunggyu, you're damn selfish. you're behaving strange. why do you expect me to love you anyway if you leave me?"

"because i will."

i don't know, how i feel when i'm around you

(a year passed. sunggyu didn't come back, as expected. woohyun still loves him, as he said. life goes on, what nonsense, he thinks. he goes everyday to the cafè they used to go together, hoping to see him there, waiting for him.

"woohyun, you seem more depressed than the usual." says hoya, his childhood friend, the only who knows about his situation.
"just being the usual woohyun."
"you know, i feel like it's the time to tell you the truth. sunggyu asked me to tell it only in extreme situations, and i think this is the perfect extreme situation."
"the truth about what?"

"the truth about sunggyu leaving you."

"howon, you're the only one i can tell this. you have to promise me you won't tell woohyun."

sunggyu came to howon's cafè with a extremely worried expression, and he was clearly not feeling well. nothing good was going to happen.

"what happened? you're looking like a zombie!"

"i have a problem, a serious problem. i don't know if woohyun has told you i was acting strange"

"yes, he did tell me, and he was damn worried. what is going on your mind?"

"howon, i'm probably dying."

"...what?"

"i'm probably dying."

"i understood that, idiot! in what sense are you dying?!"

"i have something with a strange name i didn't even want to remember; but it's kind of eating my heart. i need a new one, and they have put me in the transplant list. i don't know if i can make it in time."

"oh my god, sunggyu. what...how happened?"

"i don't know hoya, i don't know. what can i do? if i tell woohyun, he will be destroyed. i don't want him to live with a similar burden."

"you surely love him a lot," hoya begun, already with teary eyes. "you're dying and you think about him first, damn, i'm jealous of him." he chuckled.

"love can be the life and the death of us," sunggyu laughed lightly, "but i cannot stay with him anymore. i need to leave him and go to the hospital alone. hoya, if he asks you something, you don't know anything. anything. you can tell him only in extreme situations. if i come back, it will be after a long time. this disease is rare and the rehabilitation is long. woohyun has to move on."

"ok, you can count on me. but i think he will never move on."

"life goes on for all of us", sunggyu says, before leaving, "mine is stopping, i don't want to stop his life too."

as hoya expected, woohyun was crying-or better, he was sobbing shamelessly on his friend's shoulder.
"hoya, why? why didn't you tell me sooner? why didn't him tell me? he suffered alone and i feel so useless," woohyun cried, "i want to die."

"i think he wouldn't hear you saying this."

woohyun begun another time to cry. "tell me he's still alive, where he is, what can i do, please."
"i only know he's at the gangnam hospital, but he didn't let me visit him. i don't know how he is."

woohyun was scared to go, but what if he's still alive? he will throw at the wind the possibility to see him one last time?

"go and check, woohyun." hoya says. "i know you are scared, but you have to go until the end."

-

"sorry, i'm searching for a patient called kim sunggyu." saying that name to another person, after a year of sunggyu, i love you and sunggyu, come back said in his room, where nobody couldn't hear him, was a strange feeling. like he was betraying his silent promise to keep that name only for him.
"ok, let me check." the receptionist started to tap on the computer and every sound was like a stab for him. what if she said "sorry, he is not here anymore" or "sorry, he did not resist to the transplant"? woohyun is sure he will die in that moment.
"found it!" she said, "he is in the room 52, third floor. but, who are you?" she asked.
"oh, i'm his old... friend." that word was burning on woohyun's tongue. "can i visit him?"
"sure, take the elevator right there." he pointed at a nearby door. "what's your name?"
"nam woohyun."
she chuckled. "fine, you can go."

why did she laugh? he thought.

"friend, huh..." she said when he was gone.

-

when he arrived in front of the door, he couldn't find the courage to open the door. he couldn't imagine the sight that he was going to see. what if he was in a comatose state? he could not even imagine that. immersed in his thoughts, he didn't notice someone tapping on his shoulder.

"excuse me," the person said, "who are you?" woohyun turned, and the person seemed like recongnising him. "...maybe, you are nam woohyun?"
"huh? do you know me?" woohyun was surprised. who was this person?
"nice to meet you. i'm doctor hwang. i... kind of know you." woohyun gave him a confused look. "but before you enter, i need to talk with you."
"o-ok. first, how can you know me?"
"i know you very well, but indirectly. sunggyu talked of you a lot. you were the focal point of his rehabilitation."
"what? h-how? i thought he broke up with me..."
"he broke up with you for you" the doctor said "but he suffered a million times worst than you. he wanted to live only for you. everytime he said he wanted to die, we had to remind him that you were still alive and you were waiting for him." he sighed. "i hope you did."
"i'm still stuck in the moment he left" woohyun begun "i'd wait years only for seeing him one last time."
i think you will see him more than that" doctor hwang said, smiling. "he's about to end the rehabilitation. and you can see him everytime you want, even now."
"i don't think... i can. i'm scared of his reaction."
"he loves you more than himself. go see him."

-

woohyun was still in front of that door, but he was a bit braver than before.
he stared at the doorknob, wondering another time what he had to expect.

what the i'm thinking, i have to face this.

and he opened the door.

the first thing woohyun notices in the room is the music; on the stereo was playing 'good night' by nell. he immediately remembered that it was his favourite song.
how can i forget, after hour of playing this in our room... then he saw photos on the wall, and they all were pictures of him and sunggyu. tears started to form in his eyes, as he saw all the happy moments they shared together. then he took a huge breath and moved his gaze to sunggyu's sleeping figure, curled in a mess of blankets.

"you haven't changed a bit" woohyun whispered, more to himself. he looked at him, studying his face; his small and cute eyes were still there, his hair was still a bit red, and he was only a little less chubby. he touched his cheeks. "awh, they're still soft."
sunggyu shifted in his sleep at the touch, making woohyun retract his hand. he was not prepared to face him. he only wanted to see him, and luckily he was asleep.
"sunggyu..." he whispered, hoping that the other would hear him, even if he was scared. "sunggyu, i'm here. i realized you won't come back, so i came to you. i'm here."
he caressed softly the other's cheek. "i want to tell you a lot of things, still i don't want to face you. what can i do? go away now and come back tomorrow hoping that you're asleep? leave and never come back again?" he chucled. "ok, the last is impossible, you know. now i'll go back to our apartment." he kissed the other's forehead. "i never called it house once, since you left." finally, he kissed his lips. "i love you."

he turned and he started to walk away, when he felt a grip on his wrist, and a sof voice saying "don't go away." the grip became more strong. "i'm scared you won't come back."

his voice, i didn't remember it was so beautiful.

"sunggyu, a year passed and things have changed" he said, still not turning.
"nothing changed, and we both know. you wouldn't be there."
"why did you do this to me? i spent a year thinking you didn't love me anymore!"
"i had to do this! i didn't have the courage for telling you that i was dying!"
"i hate you, kim sunggyu. i really do."
"i love you, nam woohyun. i really really do."

and woohyun turned to face him.

i know, how i feel when i'm around you)