***

The first year was wonderful. The second was nice. The third was alright. Things started to change in the fourth. The fifth was hell. We fought, yelled at each other, broke things and cried. The sixth meant separation and distance. Different apartments, different jobs, different working hours, different lifestyles. We still called or texted. We still said "I love you", but the words were hollow, empty, just a broken echo of something, that was once beautiful and light as a cherry blossom  petal. And now we were in the seventh year of our marriage. We were no longer young nor foolish and as much as it hurt my heart, we were no longer in love. You stopped saying the words long time ago. I stopped on the day of our anniversary, three months ago.

I haven't seen you for a long time and as rare as our moments together were, I still cherished them, I still missed you when you were gone. So when the day we made our vow on came, I wanted to suprise you, to give you something, that could make you happy, to create memories we could remember. I knew you wanted that expensive model of Gibson guitar but was reluctant to spend so much money on a "mere" hobby. So I saved a little each month, eating in cheaper restaurants, walking more instead of taking public transportation, cut down my water and electricity bills... it wasn't much but since I also haven't really bought anything for myself, it was enough. 

When I was walking down the street to your apartment, holding the guitar tightly in both hands, afraid something could happen to it, I felt excited for the first time in a long time. It was a little cold outside, but the weather was nice. The sky was clear, the sun was shining brightly and I had a stupid grin on my face. It was early in the morning, there was almost nobody outside. I wanted to catch you before you leave for work. This could brings us together again. Maybe we could start over. We were still married afterall and I still loved you very much. I was lost in my wishful thinking when I got punched in the gut by the reality.

I would lie if I said, I haven't suspected anything. I would lie if I said, I haven't expected you to have an affair. We haven't slept together for years. I knew, you weren't faithful to me the whole time. So I would lie if I said, I haven't seen this coming. But... It was just not you sleeping with someone, it was not just you fulfilling your needs. It was you having a relationship with someone that was not me.

I saw you walking out, hand in hand, shoulders brushing, laughing. You gave him the same smile that once belonged to me. Your eyes were sparkling, your steps were light, you seemed happy.

***

“It shattered something inside me that hadn't been broken before.”

***

You came on the first of December and you froze my heart just like the slowly approaching winter was about to do to the rest of the world. You know... I still hoped, still prayed, that you would come back to me, but when you finally rang the doorbell, you had the papers with you. 

"Baek... I... I'm sorry, but I want a divorce."

I sat down on a sofa in the living room, because I feared my legs won't hold me anymore and I looked away, trying to blink off the tears. 

"Don't you want to know the reason?"

"I already know."

"You do?" you asked suprised and I kept starring out of the window, at the trees that lost theirs leaves, at the sun that was coming down, at people rushing home in long warm coats. 

"Since when?"

"19th of September." I whispered. 

You looked puzzled as if you couldn't understand me. 

"I... I saw you two that day."

It was your turn to look away, ashamed.

"Why haven't you said anything?"

"Why haven't you?" I shot the same question at you, but I knew, you wouldn't answer.

"So will you sign the papers or not?"

"I need to think about this."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No. No I am not."

"Baek... don't make this harder than it has to be. Our marriage was over a long time ago. You know that. It's time to move on."

"I didn't say, I won't sign them, I said I need time. Maybe this is easy for you, maybe you never really loved me, maybe I was just a toy to you, just a crush, an option but I love you, Chanyeol. I have always loved you and I've never stopped. The marriage was not over, not to me. So I'm sorry, but even though I knew this day would come, I am still not ready to let go, to just forget everything."

"Baek... I..."

"You may have someone else now. Someone, that can make you happy, but I don't. You were always the only one for me and even when we were apart, while we had the rings, there was still hope, there was still something keeping us together. Once I sign the papers, it would be over and I would be left alone."

You also got teary and I knew, you cared about me. 

"The last thing I wanted was to hurt you."

"I know."

"I thought you felt the same."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

And then you left, leaving the papers on a table and me hoping the world would end. I haven't slept at all that night, I just continued to cry. I couldn't stop the sobs that wrecked my body. I shed many tears over the years we were together. You were always good at hurting me, but the pain I felt on that day... That was something only a person with a broken heart would understand. Someone once said, that the one who loves more, looses and so I have lost. I covered my mouth with a hand, trying to silent the sobs, but I kept , unable to escape the torturous prison you put me in. Why? Why have you done this to me? Why couldn't I be enough? I tried to remember what exactly went wrong in our relationship, what mistakes have I made, but I only saw images of your goofy smiles, of your messy hair, of your big beautiful eyes... I could hear your carefree laughs, your deep voice, your gentle guitar melodies... and it only made me cry even harder.

I should have tried more. I should have been a better husband. I should have done so many things... It was not just you leaving me, that was killing me, it was the regret I've felt as well... and so when the next day came and I had no more tears left to cry, I signed the papers and then I went and packed my bags. This was my apartment, I've got it when we decided to live separately, you haven't even visited it that many times... but I couldn't stay here. I just couldn't. 

I left the papers on the same table, together with the guitar I've never had a chance to give to you. I put the key to the apartment into your post box with a short letter. I couldn't explain everything to you, but you deserved more than just a simple goodbey.

***

Then my body left, but my heart stayed and the worst thing of all was, that I still hoped for the second chance.

***

to be continued (maybe)