Crazy.

  That’s what he is, and that’s what everyone says. There’s really no kind way to say it - all he remembers is the haunting dreams and he honestly doesn’t understand.

  (he does)

  It’s scary - sometimes it’s all a nice dream before he catches himself thinking of what can’t be. And he learns that he should never close his eyes because Kim Junmyeon is not his, and will never be.

  (but he’s so very tired)

  And it’s not like anyone will stop him - this is what he’s supposed to do, he learns, because people like him should not exist. Everyone has a breaking point, and he thinks he should be allowed one too. He doesn’t want to even think. All that’s on his mind is the murky past and the bleak future; the present is something he’d like to forget.

  He’s deep underground already - Junmyeon is too pure, too good for anyone like him. Junmyeon, he convinces himself, deserves to find a beautiful lady with a heart as pretty as his and marry her. Jongdae, see, Jongdae isn’t beautiful and neither is he a lady.

  (but maybe he can fly - fly above the underground)

  (then he reminds himself that he can’t fly without wings)

  There are a millions of rules for every single thing he does; it feels like being locked up in a cage with the key thrown into the mouth of a fire. These rules are strictly reserved for people as disgusting as him.

  He knows how they look at him - even his dear band mates who were once in full support of him - they’re disturbed, confused and, perhaps the worst out of all, hatred. Learning how to read all those emotions were tiring; he doesn’t want to open his eyes.

  (he had and he’s being driven inwards)

  Desperation claws at him and panic ties him down, and maybe -

  Maybe he will never breathe again.

  He knows that he’s just a burden for the rest: they can surely go on farther without him. When dreams are dreams, it’s alright. But he lives in reality (or is it nightmare? He can’t tell), and reality is harsh. Junmyeon is out of bounds; Jongdae is a freak for dreaming.

  With his eyes wide open for such a long time, all he comes to see is the same gray hanging under the sky and the stars.

  He wishes to escape from this society, but there’s really only one solution.

  He wishes to escape from this society because his feelings and reality don’t go together well. He’s not allowed to love because his love is not pure enough. He has tried - he really has - but people are careless. They don’t see what he sees; they don’t understand why he chooses the path that is cordoned off.

  What they don’t understand is that it has never been his choice to go through the forest instead of the clean road. It’s not a choice at all.

  So he shatters under the pressure of the hand that holds him.

  He breaks into a million pieces when they say that he’s all wrong.

  It’s all the same gray hanging handing under the sky and the stars.

  (and he dreams of flying above the underground)

Word count: 546

I hope you liked it because I certainly didn't. I wrote this...about two years ago? It's sort of choppy and you probably don't understand the whole underground and flying and stars thing because I didn't understand myself until I looked at it again. I used to have the habit of writing how I feel without knowing what I'm doing.

Jongdae wants to fly above the underground since he has already fallen - he's already underground - but he wants to fly too. Since he feels that he isn't "good enough" to be able to fly with the rest in the sky, he decides that if he is able to fly sligthly above where he is, then he'd be glad. But he doesn't have wings - wings representing something that'll hold him up, or in this case, Junmyeon - and so he stays where he is.

If you have any question, you can ask me in the comment section down below.