Chapter IV: Déjà vu 

Kai held his breath as he walked down the shoreline; the wind was too cold it hurt his nostrils yet the view was too fascinating for him to miss. It was about six o’clock in the morning and the sun was just about to shine. The waters were painted shades of oranges as the sky danced along dark, red, and blue hues. It could have been perfect, really, if not just for a shallow feeling of emptiness he could feel in the corners of his mind that he once thought had already gotten used to. Yet how could anybody get used to the feeling of brokenness?

The sand felt cold against his bare feet as tiny waves kiss the tips of his toes and it somehow amazed him how he couldn’t even care less. He could be freezing to death and he couldn’t even find the heart to heed. He would sometimes say that he just reached a certain level of maturity, yet he knew it was just him and his lack of empathy towards himself, towards anything. It was quite childish actually – not caring neither about himself nor the world. Jongin would have flinched at the thought yet it was Kai that was steering the boat and Jongin was just a random bystander, a random spectator who had too much to say for Kai to just pass by and ignore. Jongin’s voice was still loudly and obnoxiously screaming at the back of his head regardless of Kai’s attempts of disregarding everything yet Jongin had always been good at catching up with Kai. It was almost like an endless race towards a finish line that didn’t have anything but even deeper pit of despair to promise.

The clenching feeling deep down his chest was starting to somehow fade as the sun started shinning, the stars started dimming and morning started cracking. It was quite a scene yet Kai couldn’t help but let his mind wander down roads of endless memories he would rather forget than remember. It was always that time of the day – when even the world was confused if it was already morning or if it was still dawn – that time of the day when Kai would let Jongin take over and lead him down a path he would never cross himself. It was that time of the day when Kai would let Jongin flood his mind with thoughts of wide innocent eyes, pale skin, obnoxious threats, heart shaped lips and shooting stars. It was that time of the day when Kai would let Jongin love Kyungsoo once more.

As sun the slowly illuminated the skies, Kai let his mind wander down memories that used to make his heart flutter. He would think of how warm Kyungsoo would feel in his arms on winter mornings, of how Kyungsoo would laugh whenever he would use his cheesy pick up lines, of how Kyungsoo would glare at him when he would act cutely when he wanted something, of how Kyungsoo’s lips would feel soft and velvety against his whenever they would exchange goodbyes and mutter sweet nothings on each other, of how Kyungsoo’s eyes would sparkle in the midst of the darkness of the summer nights they would spend on the balcony of their apartment – stargazing, with fingers sweetly interlaced as if the universe was created just for them to be together. He would think of Kyungsoo, only Kyungsoo. He would let his lips curve into a smile as he thought of how his heart, despite of its brokenness, would leap inside his chest as his finger slowly danced along familiar tunes that had morphed into his soul.

D#           Dm          Cm          Gm

He could almost hear the ocean sing as he let his body fall on the cold sand, waves completely soaking his bare feet. He closed his eyes, consciousness slowly drifting away as he let his thoughts be engulfed by reminiscence of his old love. Kai, no, Jongin, smiled once more when he felt something warm caressing the tips of his fingers.

“Kkamjong-ah!” A familiar voice rung inside Jongin’s head, as if the world was helping him remember everything Kai had been wishing to forget. He started chuckling when the feeling on the tips of his finger moved to his left cheek.  He turned to his left and scrunched his nose as he cracked his eyes open.

“Hello.”

“Meow.”

A feline, with light blue eyes and raven fur invaded Jongin’s vision. It reminded him of a cat he once admired when Kyungsoo dragged him to volunteer in an animal shelter once. He was never a cat person yet the way Kyungsoo stood in awe in front of the kitten’s face almost made Jongin’s heart drop, and the look the elder shot him just made his insides do some cartwheels and some flips. He would’ve got the little thing if it would mean seeing that look on Kyungsoo’s face on a daily basis but Chanyeol was allergic to cats and Kyungsoo had pretty much adopted Chanyeol a few weeks after Sehun passed away. Their giant of a friend somehow decided that camping in his bed for a whole straight week would be better and would only come out whenever Kyungsoo, Jongin, Minseok or Junmyeon would come over and drag him out for fresh air. Kyungsoo got tired of the elder’s and decided to just make Chanyeol temporarily live with them. It was almost too depressing watching their used to be overly jolly friend slowly wither into an emotionless puppet that would only smile at the sound of Oh Sehun’s name.

A sad smile grazed Jongin’s lips as he scooped the cat into his arm and started playing with its soft ears, black fur creating a soft gradient against his fingers. Sehun’s death had somehow left an invisible crack in their group – Jongdae and Baekhyun’s bickering had drastically lessen, Junmyeon had become more fussy and a little too paranoid, Minseok would spend his time alone in the comic shop, Kyungsoo would sometimes disappear in the apartment upstairs and come back with eyes shadowed with longing and hands filled with neatly folded post it notes, and Chanyeol, he didn’t want to even think about how Chanyeol was. They couldn’t even sit in their usual spot in the courtyard of their University until it was only a few months before the seniors graduated and Jongdae finally voiced out that perhaps, it was time for all of them to move on but some of them never actually did.

His thoughts suddenly flew to Chanyeol and Sehun and how his best friends spent the very little time they had together happily, only to be forcefully broken apart by fate. He was never really a believer yet if he was, he would call fate a little and tell it to just go itself and stop ting on people’s lives because it’s pretty ing rude to pry and break people’s heart for fun. He would tell it to leave him alone and just swim in a pool of lava and let him have his way to his happy ending safe and sound.

“Meow.” The small creature in his arms lifted its head and Jongin could have sworn there really was something familiar in the feline’s beautiful blue eyes.

“Hey, are you lost?” he asked, hands moving towards the back of its ear to give it a little scratch. “I’d keep you but I have a couple of dogs and Jjangah’s sick right now. He might not like it if I brought in a new uh .. brother? You’re a brother right?” He lifted the cat and tried to peak under it, somewhere between its hind legs before pouting and placing the feline back on his chest. “Sister I see. I’m sorry. Anyway, yeah, Jjangah doesn’t really like cats and he’s even moodier right now since he’s sick. That’s kind of why I’m even here and I can’t really take you back with me when I go back to New York.”

Jongin sighed, still cradling the feline in his arms.

“And it looks like you have an owner anyway.” He even added when he realized there was a collar wrapped around the animal’s neck.

“Kkamjong-ah!” The familiar voice from the background seemed to have started fading, slowly drifting away along the waves. Jongin would think he was going insane yet he had already concluded that his mind was once again, playing some tricks on him. It wasn’t the first time. It had been a common occurrence that he would see or hear anything related to Kyungsoo whenever Kai would let him take over.

“Kkamjong-ah!” He would cringe at what the voice was saying – thinking that it was an extremely annoying pet name Sehun thought was obnoxious enough to be his nickname in college. He would have smacked his best friend if the younger just didn’t run behind Kyungsoo and Chanyeol and used both elders as a shield, and Junmyeon hissing both of them to shut up and let him enjoy his cup of tea in peace.

“Kkamjong-ah!” He smiled as he looked back up at the sky, quickly standing up and wriggling his feet a little to shake off some sand to continue his walk down the beach, letting the voice fade into the brightness of the morning sun.

The sun finally rose, his smiled was replaced but a bitter smirk and eyes filled with coldness of his never ending winter.

“Let’s go find your owner.”

*****

“JONGDAE!”

“Mmm?”

“My cat is missing!”

“Okay?”

“Jongdae!”

“Mmm?”

“I said my cat is missing!”

“Okay?”

“Kim Jongdae!” He yelled once more, voice climbing up a few more octaves.

“Yah! It’s six o’clock in the morning Kyungsoo. Stop yelling” Jongdae groggily muttered, trying to keep his sanity intact. He was still tired from his schedule from the previous day and was just finally getting his rest when his best friend, the great Do Kyungsoo, called him at o’clock in morning and started yelling and he could have sworn he heard some sobs somewhere along the line. And if not for the pair of eyes that was watching him from across the room, he would have hanged up after the first ten seconds. It was way too early for him to deal with Kyungsoo’s whining yet Junmyeon had somehow got woken up and was giving him sharp looks.

“You don’t understand Jongdae!” Kyusngoo whimpered making Jongdae’s face scrunch in annoyance. The younger could really get tremendously aggravating sometimes. “Cat. My only companion. My Best friend! Not here. I can’t find her. I’m freaking out!!!”

“You don’t say.” He snarked, earning him an annoyed scoff from the other line and a smack on the back of his head from Junmyeon. “Fine. It’s a cat Kyungsoo for heaven’s sake. It’ll come back. And the Kyungsoo? I’m your best friend!”

“But Jongdae!!”

Jongdae let out an exasperated sigh, giving up on staying sleepy and started rubbing his eyes awake. It was very clear that Kyungsoo had grown very fond of the feline the younger had adopted before he moved to the province and Jongdae figured that arguing would just be very futile and that entertaining his friend’s whining was the best way to make it stop.

“What do you want me to do?!”

“Help me! I already looked for her everywhere! ”

“How am I gonna help you?! I’m Seoul and you’re in the middle of nowhere!”

“Call the cops or something! I don’t know!” He really could swear he heard some sniffles and sobs from the other line. “Just help me.”

“Again.” Jongdae sighed, scratching the back of his neck. “It’s a cat Kyungsoo. She’ll probably come back when she’s hungry. It’s not the first time she ran away.”

“BUT JONGDAE WHAT IF SHE GOT HIT BY A CAR? OR GOT EATEN BY WILD ANIMALS? OH MY GOD OR WHAT IF-“

Jongdae heard something rang from the other line – the doorbell maybe and Jongdae somehow started thinking how the people could function that early in the morning. Even Junmyeon had already fallen back to sleep after he mouthed assurance that he would cater to whatever Kyungsoo was whining about.

“Kyungsoo the door.”

“WHAT IF SHE DROWNED IN THE OCEAN JONGDAE!”

“Kyung-“

“WHAT IF-“

“Yah! Do Kyungsoo!”

“What?!”

“Get the ing door. The doorbell’s been ringing.”

“Oh.” The younger paused. “Okay once sec. Don’t go okay? I’ll just check it real quick. I’ll be right back.”

Jongdae hung up, throwing his phone across the room and snuggling close to the warm body pressed on his side. He could just buy a new phone later, probably a new best friend too – preferably someone that doesn’t start whining until after three o’clock in the afternoon.

*****

Kai put his earphones on, waiting for his phone to give him directions as he put his boots back on, cat amazingly not moving on his shoulder. It turned out that the address engraved on the feline’s collar wasn’t really that far from the beach but Kai wasn’t really local and he had always mistaken east from west. After a few lefts and rights, he found himself awkwardly staring at a plain oakwood door with a brass knob that shaped like a musical note. On his left was a rose garden filled with different kinds of hybrid tea roses surrounding a pathway that lead to an arch covered by a very familiar breed of hybrid tea rose.

 It had one of the most exquisite combinations of colors – its petals were blood red on the inside and chaste silvery white on the outside.

Hybrid rose osiria.

His eyes switched to the sky, and then to the cat in his arms, and back to the roses. He thought how ironic could his life be with all the things that had happened to him that morning. It would be tremendously funny if the owner the cat was actually the very person he had been both chasing and running away from. Kai would laugh so hard if the owner of the house in front of him was the same paradox that Jongin and Kai had been dancing in the endless race he would sometimes call life – most of the time he would call a hole.

He chuckled. Who was he kidding?

The button on the right side of the door was pressed, signaling a loud ringing sound echoing throughout the entire house. Kai would have left when nobody answered the door a few minutes after he rang the doorbell yet the way the feline in his arms purred somehow melted the ice that had encased his heart.

“Just one more okay? If not. I’ll take you home for today then take you the shelter tomorrow? Okay?”He muttered, burying his face in the soft raven fur as he pushed the doorbell once more. The same ringing sound echoed once more, only then he heard some shuffling and finally, the brass knob turned before the oakwood door cringed and slowly swung open.

“Sorry. I was on the phone. How can I help-“

A small figure, with raven hair, round puffy eyes, perfect nose, perfect lips, perfect everything stood in front of Kai – mouth almost hanging open, eyes swimming with different emotions he couldn’t seem to comprehend. Perhaps fate really did exist, and it was the exact little Kai had always pictured it to be. Really, he would laugh so hard his insides would hurt if not for the lump that had somehow formed in his throat as continuously released sighs that could battle the deepness of the oceans. He once questioned how ironic could his life be and this little people called fate had somehow decided to slap irony right in his face and probably even rubbed it quite a few times just to make sure Kai had gotten the idea.

“You?” The small figure’s voice shook, eyes widening even more every second. “What … why …”

“Paradoxes.” He whispered, not even letting the other finish the question. “And you know? This little people call fate. It’s pretty ing ironic really.” He smirked, slowly picking up the composure he had somehow dropped as soon as the door cracked open. “It’s been a while Hyung.”

Kai his lips, trying his hardest to cage Jongin that was screaming wildly at the back of his mind. He almost thought he was going to go insane. His heart was almost leaping out his chest, his insides clenched, and his soul felt like it was about to explode. Kai thought he should run away yet it seemed like his body had been frozen as listened to how the pieces of his broken heart clutter inside him.

“Jong-“

“Kyungsoo.” He mumbled, cutting of the other’s elder’s words. The name slipped through his lips a little too gently and Kai felt like he was going to burst. Cluster of emotion swimming through every single corner of his being, creating a thread of endless feelings he couldn’t seem to discern. It had been a while since he let lips move to speak the said name and Kai never thought it would feel as if he was falling in a pit of cluster he thought had been long locked up in his past. He sighed, trying his hardest to hold on to his façade. “It’s Kai now.”

 “I … I know.” The elder stuttered, looking at him with eyes filled with helplessness.

He felt his insides clench once more when he realized that their eyes never left each others’ the moment the gazes locked. It was almost as if both of them were seeking some sort of unspoken words and misheard feelings deep inside their souls. Kai was afraid that Kyungsoo might see through his façade yet he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes from the same exact paradox that had never left his mind throughout the years. It could be his masochism and lack of empathy yet Kai couldn’t do anything but keep seeking, running towards the finish line Jongin had been dragging him to.

Kyungsoo wasn’t any better, perhaps even worse. His whole body was shaking, palms sweating and he could almost feel every bone in his body shatter as his knees started wobbling beneath his weight. He wanted to run, back to the trench he had enclosed himself into yet his body felt like it was rooted on where he was standing. Every single movement he made felt heavy and painful like he was going to explode. He wanted to ask why, how yet he had always known that he had lost his right to question life the moment he broke his beloved’s heart once again. Tears would have fallen if not for the shock that was still lingering in his core. He would feel his cropped nails digging in his palm as he clutched his hands into a fist.

“Meow.”

Both males could almost hear something shattering in the cold winter breeze.

Kai faked a cough as he switched his eyes to the feline he was still cradling in his arm. Its raven fur brushing on the back of his hands as its light blue eyes watched how the small figure across them almost burst into tears.

“I think I found something of yours?”

Kyungsoo bit his lips, tears freely flowing down his cheeks as he stretched his lips into a smile.

“Kkamjong-ah …” Kyungsoo almost sobbed as he took the feline into his arms, its deep midnight fur creating a distinct contrast against his pale skin as he fiddled with its soft ears before giving it a rub on the back of its head. “I was so scared you got hurt. I thought I already lost you too.”

His friends would say it was just cat but to Kyungsoo, Kkamjong was a companion that would always and forever remind him of the beautiful memories he still couldn’t decide if he wanted to forget or remember. It was the same exact feline he had adored at the shelter he used to volunteer in, and really, he only liked the cat because it reminded him of Jongin – from its sharp eyes, graceful movements and awfully good ability to trick Kyungsoo into giving in to its cuteness.

Kai watched the elder cuddle with the small creature, and he thought the view was undeniably adorable. His heart somehow started fluttering, despite its brokenness, as if he was once again, flying in cloud nine. He watched how Kyungsoo’s eyes sparkled, reminding of wishes and shooting stars. He listened to how Kyungsoo cooed, reminding of the times when the elder used to whisper sweet nothings before they went to bed at night. He observed at how Kyungsoo’s fingers caress the back of the cat’s head, reminding him of how warm the male’s hands felt against his skin when they would make love under the glittering night sky. He gazed at Kyungsoo’s lips, plump and still as perfect as it was before, and Kai thought the memories of how soft and velvety those lips felt against his were almost too vague for him to remember. Jongin thought, perhaps he should remind himself of how it used to feel like kissing the person he loved.

Kai could almost feel winter melting into spring as stars sparkled behind his closed eyelids, almost exactly as they did before – just this time, a little dimmer, a little more broken yet still sparkling and Kai somehow thought he wouldn’t ask for anything more.

He was supposed to hate Kyungsoo. Loathe the male for making him fall so deep, pretending he would catch him yet just dropped him without any word. Jongin was supposed to abhor even just the mere presence of Do Kyungsoo yet he couldn’t seem to find the heart to even be angry at the elder. Kyungsoo was still the reason why his heart was broken it was also already implied that Kyungsoo was also the very same reason why his heart was still beating. Jongin’s heart might be broken but it was still beating.

And then Kai realized that it had never been just Jongin that still wanted Kyungsoo. It wasn’t just Jongin was still willing to run the endless race towards an obnoxiously cruel finish line. Jongin was the boy that had once loved and would forever be lost yet Kai was never any different. Kai was everything Jongin wasn’t yet Jongin was still Kai, and Kai was still Jongin. Kai was just a persona Jongin had created in the midst of melancholia to hide behind a broken façade that was never actually any better than the real him. Kai was just a façade, and beyond the coldness of his winter there was still the spring that was Jongin, wishing upon shooting stars for his love to come back and mend his broken heart. And then all of a sudden, Kai just somehow faded into the darkness.

Another smirk was drawn on Jongin’s lips, eyes somehow twinkling with amusement.

“Kkamjong?” He smiled, a real one. The one that Yixing once said he would pay a thousand dollars just to see again. Who knew that the very reason he lost the same smile would be same cause for it graze his lips once more. “Really? Of all names?” He even snorted and could swear Yixing and Luhan would pay a million bucks just to see it.

Kyungsoo looked up to the younger with eyes cavorting between confusion and bewilder. He cocked his head a little just to make sure that he wasn’t just seeing things. He knew that smile, the smile that had been the reason why he was travelling from places to places, across countries and oceans just to watch every single one of Kai’s performances. Standing in front of him wasn’t Kai, it wasn’t the choreographer that everybody wanted, not the dancer that could soar onstage with a smirk taped on his lips and cold stare grazing his eyes, not the theater actor that would only take roles that could make the world cry and bow before him.

“Jongin I..” He trailed, just to make sure if the younger would not correct him like he would usually do whenever anybody would call him his real name.

“Reall Kyungsoo? Kkamjong? Of all names.” Jongin chuckled. “I swear to god. Sehun needs some beating for this.”

Even Jongin was surprised how comfortable he was around Kyungsoo. It was almost like nothing had happened and all the pain and suffering he went through were all forgotten, locked up in a box and thrown in the deepest, darkest corner of his mind. Perhaps he should starting asking questions of why their fairy tale of a love story had somehow turned into the worst nightmare Jongin ever had yet he couldn’t seem to give another about the past and all he wanted to was to remind himself of how Kyungsoo’s lips feel against hip, or how Kyungsoo’s small body feel in his arms, or how Kyungsoo’s voice would sound like as the elder lull him to sleep. All that Jongin could think about was Kyungsoo, and the past could just go itself along with fate – the same exact reason why he had always been afraid to see Do Kyungsoo once more. Because with just one look, he knew he would just fall even deeper. Call him insane or even a moron, but Jongin would just smile and just say, you get insanely stupid when you fall in love.

Kyungsoo just stared at the younger, heart racing as confusion fill his entire being. Why was Jongin being like that with him? Like nothing had ever happened. Jongin should hate him, loathe him for breaking his heart yet all he was doing was smiling and joking around with Kyungsoo as if the elder didn’t break him at all. Kyungsoo was confused, and Kyungsoo wanted to push Jongin away yet he couldn’t seem to find the courage to utter words that would break Jongin even more. He would think everything was just a pretense yet Kyungsoo knew Jongin more than anybody and he knew Jongin was incapable of deceit, and unlike Kyungsoo, Jongin had always been delicately genuine.

“Well it suits her.” Kyungsoo’s eyes waver, shifting his eyes to the feline that was comfortably cuddling in his arms. “And she re-“

“Hyung …” Jongin whispered. “Look at me.”

“She reminds me of-“

“Hyung..”

“Jongin…”

“Kyungsoo look at me.”

“No.”

“Kyungsoo..”

“Jongin I said no.”

“Hyung please..”

Kyungsoo suddenly felt a little too nostalgic. It was almost like he was thrown back to that day when Jongin dragged him to the empty room in the science building where a make shift solar system was hanging from the ceiling. That day when he tried his hardest not to let both them fall yet all he could do was shed tears and take Jongin’s hand and watch both of them fall in despair. It was almost like a déjà vu just this time he couldn’t seem to find any resistance from himself.

In the eight years that they were apart, Kyungsoo never made any effort to move on yet he had been trying to drill in his brain that Jongin and he were never meant to be together. Every single day he would think of that day when he just turned ten and Jongin was about to turn nine and all the darkness and pain that came along. Every single day he would spend endless hours thinking of how much he had hurt Jongin and that he would never deserve Jongin’s love. Perhaps it was just him and his phony beliefs, him and his hypocrisy. He might think and that Jongin and he were never meant to be together but it was never given that they shouldn’t be. Perhaps fate really was a little Jongin had said it was.

Jongin took Kkamjong from his arms and instructed it to go back in the house before cupping Kyungsoo’s chin and forcing the elder to look him the eyes. Jongin’s orbs were boring through his soul and he felt like he was drowning the best kind of drowning and he couldn’t do anything but just let himself fall once more, dodging all the warnings his brain would throw at him, ignoring all the admonitions he once thought he had already engraved in his head yet it was already set that his heart would always be the betrayer he never wanted.

D#           Dm          Cm          Gm

Jongin hummed before their lips met again, for the first time in eight long years and Kyungsoo thought everything was just perfect – not exactly ideal but perfect. Every move of their lips were shadowed by their past, dimmed by secrecy and unspoken truth yet the both couldn’t seem to care less. When Jongin grazed Kyungsoo’s lips with tongue, asking for entrance, Kyungsoo didn’t even have to think twice. His left hand quickly reached for the younger’s hair, entangling each digit with the dark strands, gently tugging, as his right went and looked for Jongin’s left and sweetly interlaced their fingers as if the gaps in between were made for them to fill. The winter breeze was harsh and cold yet Kyungsoo couldn’t feel anything else aside from how soft, warm, and unbearably familiar Jongin’s lips felt against his and how his whole body felt like it was going to collapse any second. His skin started feeling warm under Jongin’s touch and he would scream so loud if  his mouth wasn’t just preoccupied but Jongin nibbling on his lower lip before they finally parted, both grasping for air.

“Jongin I-“

“If you’re gonna tell me to not do this again, I swear to god I don’t know what am I gonna do.” Jongin chuckled before placing a chaste kiss on his lips. “I’m not exactly good at death threats unlike some people but I’m gonna be really mad if you told me to stop because I’m pretty ing sure you enjoyed it too. So why don’t you just thank me for finding your cat and maybe make me some food like one of those cheesy movies you like to watch.”

Kyungsoo grinned, moving his hands to the younger’s cheeks, caressing the sun-kissed expanse of skin.

“I was going to say I missed you.” He pouted. “And those movies are not cheesy. They’re sweet.”

“Well I missed you too.” Jongin whispered before wrapping his arms around Kyungsoo, not legging go of the elder’s hands. He never thought that meeting Kyungsoo once more would end up that way, but really, Jongin wouldn’t have it any other way – unless the other way would include rainbows and shooting stars then he wouldn’t say no. “Now how about my food? I haven’t had breakfast yet.”

****

A/N: long chapter is long .. yes i know .. i could have been longer if i wasnt rushing

unbeta-ed .. unedited .. un-everything .. i havent read this yet so expect a lot of loopholes
I'll reread later after work if I'm not dead enough to function. i just really wanted to update today coz it's been exactly a month.
Questions? A lot? Confused? I know. Shoot me a message or leave a comment. I'll gladly supply you with the details. 

also for those who care enough about Sehun, please do check out this post: THE IDOL KILLER KIM YEOSHIN 

and to everybody, please do pray forSuper Junior's Leeteuk and his famly.

xoxo - rin