It was a beautiful day for a wedding. A slight wind blew through the courtyard, and Go AhRa almost felt a momentary sense of peace in her heart as the breeze rustled her hair and caressed her face.

           "It’s time," she sighed, glancing up at the sky, dotted with puffy white clouds moving lazily by.

The sound of murmured conversation could be heard from within, and AhRa could picture perfectly in her mind the rows upon rows of friends and relatives, with their spouses at their sides, leaning towards one another to comment on the beauty of the day or the lovely decorations provided by AhRa.

By now YunHo and the others would be in place waiting…

Taking a deep breath, AhRa tried desperately to slow her rapidly beating heart, knowing if it were that fast already she didn't stand a chance when she actually walked into the church and saw YunHo waiting at the end of the aisle.

‘YunHo…’

She recalled their first meeting; perhaps she had even loved him then. Newly divorced, her mother took young AhRa and relocated them to GwangJu for a fresh new start. AhRa could almost remember the exact feeling of dread of having to face new people and a new environment, and it was especially terrifying to a four year old. Putting away her stuffed toys in her new room, her mother had called her down to meet the friendly neighbors – a widowed father and his five year old son. She remembered the feeling of curiosity as she gazed at the kind man conversing shyly with her mother and his cheerful son, who wasted no time in sticking out his hand.

            “Hello AhRa,” a five year old, YunHo had said, grinning ear to ear. “My name is Jung YunHo.”

She had smiled back, and took his hand, “Hello.”

And to say, the rest was history.

AhRa sat in one of the plush chairs in the restroom, reclining slightly as her mother finished braiding her hair and looping it under to pin near her scalp.

            “Are you sure you don’t want to? SeulGi would - ,” her umma started but was quickly caught off by her daughter.

            “I-I really couldn’t,” AhRa replied back, careful to move slow enough so as not to disturb the pins that were carefully being placed in her hair. She was not in the mood to have to start all over again nor was she really that excited about being stabbed harshly in the scalp; and a harsh, sudden movement would result in one of the two, if not both, of the inevitable outcomes.

            “Oh alright, I thought it would be nice if you participated in the wedding,” her mother said with a hint of regret. “It’s your brother’s wedding after all.”

            “Step-brother,” AhRa corrected, rising from the chair as her mother placed the last pin in. “He’s my step-brother,” she mumbled softly.

AhRa recalled the first moment she heard it. They had been gathered together for Christmas celebration at home, enjoying the holiday. Christmas celebrations were memorable; she had always loved Christmas - with its enchanting magic of bringing friends and family together.

They had all settled themselves in a large circle around the family table. There was her Umma, looking festive in red and happily sitting next to YunHo’s appa. There was JaeJoong, YunHo’s best friend with the face of an angel, but a devilish personality. Next was SeulGi – beautiful and talented, she was their neighbor and childhood friend, always brightening up a room with her strong personality and kindness. There was herself, AhRa, the maknae of the family – a year younger than the other three, she was the one who everyone always seemed to want to tease, and coddle, and protect. Always the little maknae.

And then, there was YunHo. Charismatic, charming, although sometime mischievous, YunHo.

JaeJoong, SeulGi, YunHo, and AhRa. They had been together, since the end of middle school, all the way till the very end of high school. But as collage started, and the different members of the group went on with their lives, it was hard to get everyone together at any given time.

Except for Christmas. Christmas holiday was always spent with each other.

But now, as they finished their last year of university with the exception of AhRa, it was almost painful to realize how far apart they had grown; however, AhRa never doubted their loyalty to one another. After all, they had been together through their hardship years and that - was unbreakable. They would always be friends, AhRa knew.

None the less, it was on that memorable holiday that they all had sat around the Christmas meal and heard those words which have utterly contorted her life as it was. AhRa couldn’t say that it was good or bad. She couldn’t say that she was elated or forlorn. All AhRa could attest to was that she was changed, and would never quite understand how.

AhRa recalled that YunHo called for their attention, and AhRa - being as much enamored with YunHo then as she was now, was attentive from the start. YunHo began to speak and, from the very moment the first words fell from his lips they all knew what he was trying to say.

And her heart stopped.

Congratulations and cheers and toasts were made as the news was unveiled, yet she stood frozen in her seat.

YunHo told them he was in love.

YunHo said that he had found his happiness.

YunHo told them he was ready to "settle down".

YunHo proposed… he wproposed the question she had so long desired to hear. But the one inclined to answer…

Was not AhRa.

In three short months, Bae SeulGi – beautiful, talented, chocolate-eyed, honor student SeulGi - was to be YunHo’s bride.

            “Aren’t you going to congratulate SeulGi and your brother?”

            “Step-brother,” she mumbled.

The organ music faded away to be replaced by the melody of a four-string quartet playing a version of Pachelbel's Cannon. All the bridesmaids moved into their places in their single-file line and began the procession into the church carrying their own matching bouquets of flowers.

Two short months have raced by and now there were but a few scant moments before YunHo was bound to SeulGi for life. The modest church was decked out in whites and golds, fresh flowers at the altar and paving a path down the aisle. To her right, her umma and YunHo’s appa sat hand in hand, with her own umma dabbing her eyes every once in a while.

            “I can’t believe our YunHo’s getting married,” AhRa heard her say.

AhRa eyed the decorations, and couldn’t help but feel proud of her work. After all, SeulGi was her good friend and she couldn’t exactly decline helping her friend out with the decorations, even if she declined the position of maid of honor. AhRa was happy for her, really. Perhaps she was happier for YunHo, though… that he has found his happiness.

AhRa refused to wallow in a state of self-pity - of course she would admit she had considered it. AhRa loved YunHo.  She loved him when she was four, when he used to pull her hair but then offer his lollipop whenever he made her cry. She loved the same little boy who would sneak into her room in the middle of the night, when she had nightmares of her father leaving; he would hug her until her sniffles subsided and were replaced by soft snores. And she loved him as just plain YunHo, the tall and dark haired man smiling nervously in front of the white alter. He was her best friend, the one she confided every fear, every hope, every dream, and every worry. She watched him, engraving his smile in her mind.

It was for that reason that AhRa was happy. She would always be happy if YunHo could smile.

He stood at the altar, waiting. His eyes sharp, anticipating his bride's arrival. AhRa could feel his emotions as if they were pouring out from him in waves. She heard the soft creak of the giant wooden door slowly open at the back and she turned. SeulGi stood there, daintily clutching on her father’s arm, smiling brightly. She stood there, glowing and waiting for the music to begin.

AhRa watched the corners of YunHo’s lips curve up into that notable half-grin that had won him so many sighs of adoration from the female population of their high school and spilled over to their University. But his smile was a special one he wore just for his bride. At least, AhRa would let her think it as such.

SeulGi looked like a queen in white, being steadily brought down the aisle by her father. Her ebony hair cascaded down in elegant curls, framing her blushing face; the long, white gown, covered in sparkling gems fitted perfectly in her dainty form.

That lump that was becoming far too familiar returned, and AhRa swallowed as her eyes looked up and down her friend’s graceful form, knowing only one word could be used, and wishing suddenly with all her heart that SeulGi could be just a little less beautiful.

But she wasn't.

Instead, she was stunning; completely and utterly befitting for YunHo’s bride.

AhRa remained quiet and a bit distant through the ceremony, and she felt a little bad. She ought to be paying closer attention on YunHo’s big day. But she couldn’t help but let her mind wander… back to what YunHo said so long ago and to what AhRa had heard so often since.

She remembered when they were still high school; living in the same house, and AhRa was still unbearably naïve. She remembered it had been one of those all-too-common times when YunHo had discovered her pouting on the swing of their backyard and had endeavored to soothe her troubled mind. AhRa couldn’t exactly recall the particular discontenting event of the day, but he knew she was experiencing the distinct sting of one who has come under the impression (again) that they must be the most hopeless being on the world. Either way, they went through the usual routine of YunHo assuring that AhRa’s insecurities were nothing, and that indeed, to him at least, she was perfect.

It was all well and good then because, naturally, AhRa took whatever YunHo said to be universal law and cherished it as such. It had not initially been a particularly memorable event, but then… before YunHo left, he revealed to AhRa a truth that had crippled her ever since. But he didn’t know it.

He told AhRa that he loved her. He told AhRa that he loved her and always would love her. He told her…

            “I will never love anyone more than I love you,” YunHo had said, caressing her cheek as she looked up at him innocently. He had kissed her then, and she would always remember the soft, tender lips.

 However, it became apparent soon after this revelation that no matter how much AhRa professed her equally insurmountable love for him, YunHo steadfastly remained under the impression that she could not possibly be speaking truthfully.

YunHo had gazed down at her, reaching out to brush a lock of her hair out of her face, but stopped mid-reach. A look of resentment, layered with sadness, regret and longing flashed in his face, for a moment – a second, but then was replaced with his disarming smile.

            “You don’t know what love is,” YunHo had told her, looking anywhere but her.

It shocked the younger woman, and as AhRa recalled, she protested fiercely. Yet he regarded her with the sort of manner that one might a child and held fast to his belief.

It was years before AhRa finally accepted that YunHo couldn’t be swayed, and she became mutely resigned to the fact - because, after all, YunHo still told AhRa he loved her every time they were alone… and there was a quiet moment for him to hold her - just for a little while.

That smile… the one SeulGi thought to be for her alone… was for AhRa as well. AhRa saw it often, whenever she caught YunHo’s eye, whether it be at the quad or in passing, and matched his gaze.

Their love was one lived in brief snatches of time.

AhRa was alert again as she heard YunHo’s voice ring out in the quiet church chapel.

            "I do."

They kissed.

AhRa watched and, perhaps she was wrong to, but she noted that YunHo had kissed her with just as much passion. But the once naïve girl realized now… things would be different. YunHo was married and… he loved someone more than he loved AhRa. He loved SeulGi. But she did not doubt that YunHo loved her still; she just simply was not the first in his heart.

And AhRa accepted this.

But it hurt… and she did not know how long she would be able to keep accepting this.

AhRa was numb as she walked from the church and slid away from the crowd wishing the newlyweds farewell. She proceeded around the corner of the church, away from the noise and from SeulGi’s elated laughter as YunHo lifted her and paraded out of the building with her.

AhRa’s fingers raked through her soft, black hair and pressed her back against the brick church wall and stared up at the grey clouds overhead. The winds picked up, playing with her hair as the clouds gathered and grew denser.

She sighed.

YunHo loved her still… she would keep that belief and pray that she was right.

YunHo loved her still… she was just not first.

That is all she had and all she would accept. And yet AhRa was crippled because as long as YunHo loved her, she could not win. She couldn’t love any other…she couldn’t place YunHo second as YunHo has placed her. She shuddered a sigh - she would be happy for them, but self-pity was beginning to strike her as appealing.

Her grey eyes raked the ground in front of her… She wanted something… anything… to concentrate on. Anything but SeulGi and the fact that she, not her, seemed to be capable of loving YunHo.

             "But I do love you, YunHo…" AhRa breathed softly.

            "I know," he said, and she looked up in a mixture of surprise and horror as the tall man that was her best friend, her oppa, walked towards her, hand shoved into his pants pockets. AhRa knew he came to say goodbye to her before he left on his honeymoon.

            "Muh?" AhRa blurted, not quite understanding. YunHo’s eyes soften… a little sad. "YunHo, what do you mean by that?"

YunHo nodded and came to the shorter woman and gently enveloped her in a hug.

            "I know," YunHo confirmed, and AhRa wanted to cry. He has just been married. He has just bound his life to another and he told her now that he knew.

            "But… why…?" AhRa stumbled, her entire perception of the two of them now flopping uselessly to the ground. She didn't understand… YunHo had just been married. AhRa shook her head and wriggled from the hug, standing defiantly back from YunHo. She felt the need to protect herself - defend herself from something.

            "AhRa… My AhRa… I know. I've always known. But you and I could never… work…" YunHo explained slowly.

And AhRa wanted to punch him. He knew. YunHo knew she loved him and he loved her. But he didn’t let them be with one another. He kept them apart and she was lost.

            "If you knew…" AhRa said slowly, keeping her voice as even as possible. It was minutes after YunHo’s wedding and he was choosing now to tell her that he had always known of her love for him? She was not sure she could grasp that concept in full no matter how many times she rolled it over in her head.

            "If you knew, then why couldn’t we… work? Did - was it - did you lie? Was it all out of pity?" AhRa asked in anger.

YunHo looked offended, his eyes flashing stormily. 

"Ani," he growled, as if he was angry AhRa would suggest such a thing. "I never lied about how I felt about you. I still love you. I told you I would never love anyone more… and I don't. Don't you ever doubt that I love you," he snapped.

AhRa hugged herself, and shook her head. It didn't make sense, but YunHo expected her to listen to what the he was saying and to take it with a smile.

            "I… don’t understand," AhRa said as confusion replaced anger. She felt as if she was drowning, the tense pressure around her suffocating and stifling… She was confused and dismayed and she simply did not know what to think. ‘I love him. He knows I love him,’ AhRa thought, ‘He says he loves me. But he’s married.’

            "AhRa, don't you get it? You can't love me… you shouldn't love me. As much as I love you and as much as I wish I could accept your love, I can't. We can’t be together…You shouldn't love me," YunHo said quietly, staring far off at the church where his father wrapped a loving arm around her mother. His family. Their family. "Because we're...", he sighed, and shook his head.

AhRa closed her eyes, shuddering a sigh.

            "But SeulGi…why can she love you?" AhRa asked. She opened her eyes to see YunHo nod.

            "AhRa, you have to believe me when I tell you that I love you more than I will ever love anyone else… but you also have to understand that I can't let you love me. I know this is complicated and that, frankly, this can't make much sense to you. Hell, I just got married…" YunHo breathed with a faint, ironic chuckle. "But please, please don't ever think that I don't love you," he finished.

            AhRa had nothing to say to him. ‘YunHo says I can’t love him…she thought, but that’s impossible.’ But she knew YunHo would not hear it, so she remained silent.

            YunHo took a step toward AhRa and reached out a hand, pulling him closer, and pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. AhRa swallowed back the desire to tell him that he was wrong to say AhRa couldn’t love him. She couldn’t be with him even if he were to finally accept her feelings. YunHo was married to SeulGi.

            YunHo sighed and turned to leave; his bride waiting for him in the car. He waved goodbye… AhRa waved back meekly.

‘I’ll see him in a few weeks, AhRa thought, when he comes, I’ll have to deal with it… after all, I will still love him and I will still know that he loves me more than any other in the world.’ AhRa knew that YunHo married SeulGi and could never have him.

            "You never told me why I can’t love you, YunHo," AhRa called after him.

YunHo stopped and turned, meeting AhRa’s gaze with his dark brown eyes. "Because you… are too innocent to love," he replied.

They held each other's gaze for a moment longer and then he left.

Back to his wedding reception. Back to their parents. Back to SeulGi. AhRa remained where she was, and then turned and walked towards her car. Because AhRa listened to what YunHo said, whether true or not…

…And it appeared that to YunHo, AhRa would always be…

Just one of those few too innocent to love.