Dear Heechul,

The day that I met you I knew that my life would change forever. I knew that you would become my strength just as I would become yours. It was evident to me, the moment my eyes met yours, that we were meant to meet each other. It wasn’t love at first sight but  there was a strong connection between the two of us; I’m sure you would agree. I felt as though I had gained a part of my life that had been missing for many years.

From that very first day you became my strength, Heechul. You are the one that helped me adapt to my new life in Korea, the one who gave me hope when times were hard. You were like the light at the end of the tunnel that guided me down the right course. You were there when there was no one else for me to turn to. It was you and only you who made me feel as though I truly belonged there, that leaving China wasn’t a horrible mistake.

Above all you were my first love, Heechul. The day you asked me out I was at a loss for words. As much as I had wanted to be your boyfriend I didn’t think you yourself would ever consider me an option. I knew we were close from the day we met but, even still, I always thought we’d just be friends and nothing more. I was so ecstatic that my assumption was wrong because for a long time I had wanted nothing more than to truly be yours. Your sheer presence in a room put me at ease and every time your skin grazed mine my heart would race and all worries were washed from my mind. I wanted to live every day feeling like that and being yours meant that I could.

When I was with you I knew I could be myself and slowly but surely you began opening up to me as well. I was thrilled that you were finally at a point where you felt comfortable enough to let me know the real you; not the façade you kept up to keep everyone else from worrying, the one that had locked away their feelings. Together we were able to work through our problems and together we managed to open up to the world.

I remember one time when we were just cuddling in bed; you asked what my first impression of you was. I never did answer your question after Donghae barged in our room and started attacking us with pillows but I’d like to answer that question now. When I first met you, Heechul, you reminded me of a rose. You may be thinking that comparison is strange so let me explain.

When I think of a rose I think of elegance, grace, beauty, and you; you are the definition of all three. Even your hair flows and feels as though it were silk, as if it was the silken petals of a rose itself. At the same time you have a side to you that is cocky and aggressive, a defensive wall that can put someone else in their place and keep you from getting hurt; just like a rose has it thorns. However, just like a rose’s thorns, your cocky and aggressive attitude isn’t a perfect defense. Sometimes that barrier is breached and those once protected and delicate petals become exposed, open to the world to be wounded. Yet even if you were to remove those thorns the rose would remain beautiful, as though it were untouched by the world’s cruelty. But, as the sun cast’s its rays over the delicate flower, shadows emerge between the petals that grow darker the closer they get to the core. Similarly, you hold your own darkness within yourself, bottling up all your worries and pain. Yet, just like the rose, you still appear strong and beautiful to the world.

The only difference now is that you don’t merely appear strong to the world, because now you truly are. Together, we were able to work through all of the pain you had bottled up and I couldn’t be more proud of you Chullie. Seeing you grow as a person and be confident in yourself once again warmed my heart. Knowing that you no longer felt it necessary to hide your feelings was such a huge relief. It hurt me to know that you had been dealing with so much on your own, but I was glad when you decided that you would let me share your burdens and work through them with you. I know that once I leave we will both face new problems and, even though we won’t be next to each other, I don’t want you to forget that it’s ok to talk about your feelings with the others as well. Leeteuk and the others are there for you so don’t go bottling up your feelings again just because I’m not living there anymore, okay?

I love you Chullie and I know you aren’t going to deal with me having to leave well, of course I won’t either, but please remember this isn’t goodbye. For just as twins are said to share the same mind and soul, so do you and I. So please don’t be sad that I have to leave because even though I will not physically be there for you, I will always live within your heart. No matter the distance between us or the time that will pass, I want you to know that you are my life, Heechul, and nothing could ever change that. We will meet again so I won’t say goodbye, but rather, see you soon. I love you so much Heechul. When we meet again I expect to see that gorgeous smile of yours gracing your equally gorgeous face.

Love,

Hangeng

Placing the letter down on his chest, his right hand holding it above his heart, Heechul twitched his lips up in a delicate smile. His eyes fluttered closed and he subconsciously reached over with his left hand to grab the plane ticket to China that lay on his bedside table. “Soon Hangeng, very soon,” he whispered as he drifted off to sleep thinking of finally being reunited with his beloved.