I wake up to a living nightmare. Even in the darkness of our---my apartment I cannot find any peace. There is no refuge in the world that can save me from you - form what you have done to me. When I step out on a sunny day, all I see is your smile that used to light my whole world. It made my days brighter. The many coffee shops that litter Seoul remind me of you and your obsession with Americanos. They also remind of the countless times, you sent me out in the odd hours of the morning to buy them for you because you simply could not start your day without coffee. 

Thanks to you my habits, my ways of living all changed because of you. Now, even if it pains me, I still wake up at 4 in the morning with the intent to buy an Americano for you. When I sleep at night, before I turn the lights off, automatically I turn on the lights in the bathroom and leave the door ajar to let enough  light in to dimly brighten the room just because you could never sleep with the lights off. You were afraid of the darkness no matter how many times I assured you I was there. I was beside you when you had nightmares. I even held you close never letting you go because I knew you needed to know that I was there and just feeling the indent of the bed where I lay was not enough for you. Ironically, now, even I can't sleep with the lights off and must hold on to something - a pillow - just to sleep even in I know my sleep will bring nothing but nightmares of you. Thanks to you everything's changed.

I am no longer the man who could laugh and enjoy the company of others. Granted, I was never a sociable person to begin with but with you I got better. You were like a sweetness that no one could ignore. Everyone we met, be it in a social gathering or simply out in public, were attracted to you. The way you talked, smiled, laughed, the way your eyes would become lines when you were truly happy just drew everyone in. No matter how many people surrounded you, you…you…you never left me out. Even if I felt like I wanted to run away - to shield myself from their gaze - you pulled me into the spotlight held my hand the whole time. You helped me get better and then you crushed me leaving me in pieces - worse off than before. 

Do not think that I had kept myself in this broken state because I wanted to. No I tried. I tried so hard to forget you. Damn you! You appear everywhere as if mocking me that you have left your mark in my world for life. But they were all hallucinations or so it would seem. You were never there. The one time that i saw you again in the club, after my performance, you were laughing. It would seem you have already forgotten about me. Even if my music blasted throughout the building, not once did you look at the stage or meet my eye. Why do you do this to me? How can you take my world and make it all about you without even making me anything in yours?

It's stupid but I will never forget you. Before you left you told me that I never needed you. I was stronger than you and could…would overcome anything this world threw at me but you were wrong. You were so wrong. I was and am not strong. You were my bedrock - my foundation in everything that I did. When I needed strength, I only thought about you. When I was in a rut - a ditch way over my head, all I needed to think about was you welcoming me home with open arms. You broke me claiming you could not pretend to be strong anymore. You did not need to tell me about your weakness. I know all of it. I know how much you relied on me for nearly everything but that is what kept me going just knowing that everything I did it was for you. When you left, you took my reason to live on with you. 

Despite everything, even if I am a shell of the man I once was - the one you used to love. I will remember you, the one who built me up and tore me apart. Simply because I still love you.