as usual, you can ignore spelling and grammatical errors or you can kindly tell me :3

The coldness of the other side of the bed was the first thing I encountered as I woke up this morning. Turning my head to the side, I found that side empty but slightly messy, proof that someone slept on it but had left very early. I huffed. It was the third time this week and probably the umpteenth time since God knows when. He came home late at night when I would be asleep, and left early before I woke up. Only the slight mess on the bed plus the pile of pajamas he left on the floor informed me that he was home for a few hours.

I dragged my feet across the floor, entered the bathroom and grabbed my toothbrush. While lazily brushing my teeth, my eyes landed on the pictures in front of my eyes. Yes, as cliché as it might sound, Jepp and I still have pictures of us sticking on the bathroom mirror. I checked the pictures one by one, grimacing as I saw one which exposed my hands quite clearly. Several parts of my left hand were covered with long, red lines. To me, those cuts were proof that I was strong; lines which held me back to reality even when I really wanted to escape. But to others, it was merely a proof of my insanity. No one bothered to try and understand what the real reason behind those scars was. They only knew that I inflicted pain on myself and I was stupid. End of argument. Well, not that I ever wanted someone to understand me anyway. It was only understandable by me and only me. Not my ‘close friends’, not even the most experienced psychiatrist in the whole world.

Putting the toothbrush back in its place, I caught a glimpse of my scarred hand. It had been months since the last cut was created, but the remaining scars refused to disappear completely. Not that I didn’t know it before. However, the last scar near my wrist reminded me of Jepp. It was made a few weeks after I met him. At that time, I didn’t know that he was watching me behind the slightly open door. He didn’t try to stop me. Heck, he didn’t even do anything to make his presence known. He stayed quiet, almost unmoving, and not until I was done with the cutting that he decided to push the door open. I tried to hide it from him, of course. But he lifted his hands in the air and shrugged. It’s okay. I understand.

I almost snapped. No you don’t. No one, not even those who claimed to be closest to me, would be able to understand my reasons. And I definitely won’t bother trying to explain.

I don’t need it either. I don’t need to know your reasons. I only understand that you have a reason for doing it, and that’s enough.

Strangely enough, his answer comforted me to no end.

Afterwards, he became the only person who knew openly about the scars on my body. Unlike others, he didn’t even flinch when I showed him numerous red lines hidden under my long sleeve. He didn’t question my motives, he didn’t judge. He didn’t talk about it to others behind my back. He was so accepting. He didn’t demand me to stop right away, but also didn’t give me the slightest chance to slash my skin.

The weird sense of comfort which lingered in the air when I was with him encouraged me to say yes when he asked me to be his girlfriend, saying that he loved me. Love. I felt guilty thinking about it, but even after I said yes, a small part of me insisted that it was a momentary distraction. That he ‘loved’ me out of pity. Because I know a man like him would never ignore anyone who needed his help. And I was one of those people.

I splashed water to my face to get rid of the remaining cleansing foam. Sigh. Two months after we officially became an item, we finally moved in together. We shared our life pretty happily since then, but that secretly made me feel even worse. It felt as if I was holding him back from everything he could be. Before, he was an awesome rapper in a quite successful underground hip-hop group. He had a lot of friends and fans, many of them were girls. Moralistic girls, as he had once stated as his ideal type, swarmed around him like ants on a sugar cube every single day and night, all he needed to do was pick.

Out of all those girls, he decided to stick with the immoral one.

Often, the question popped into my mind; what did I do to deserve such a perfect man like him? And then the other part of me would answer; I don’t. I don’t deserve him. Because I was only dragging him down.

He dropped his night life as an underground rapper a few months ago and decided to focus on his job in a recording company instead. I confronted him about this once, but he brushed it off, saying that all members of Soul Connection had agreed to turn performing into their side job instead of main occupation. The answer was acceptable, but my subconscious mind kept asking, really? Was I really not guilty for that matter?

As I opened the cabinet to put my stuff into the side which belonged to me, my eyes laid on something shiny in Jepp’s side of the cabinet. A razorblade. Apparently, he trusted me enough that he didn’t even try to put the dangerous stuff out of my reach. I took it and examined it carefully. The reflection of someone I saw on the glistening surface was far from what I imagined. I expected to see a girl with positive glint in her eyes and a beautiful smile on her lips, but on the razorblade, I only saw a pair of dull eyes, no smile whatsoever. I forced a smile, which turned out as a sad one, not a graceful smile which would make guys’ hearts flutter.

Another sigh. No wonder Jepp got tired of me already. I was actually surprised that he lasted for more than a couple of months with me. But maybe after all, a year would be too long.

He was sick and tired of seeing me, that’s why he decided to come home late and left for work early. So he wouldn’t have to face me and talk to me.

Jepp was just too nice. He didn’t have the heart to tell me that there should be no more ‘us’.

Where should I move to?

Another house?

Another city?

Or the afterlife?

Crap. The razorblade fell, almost instantly, to the floor. I stared at the small inanimate object, feeling its nonexistent eyes staring back at me sinisterly. If it had a face, I was sure that it would be snickering. Come on, I’m tired, right? Well, who am I kidding; I want to end it since long ago. Besides, it’s not like someone would miss me anyway.

Our staring battle ended abruptly when my phone decided to ring. It wasn’t that loud, but just enough to make me jump a little bit. Cursing inwardly, I left the bathroom to retrieve my phone from the bedside table. Whoever decided to text me this morning had unknowingly rescued a life.

I picked the rectangular black thing and swiped the screen quickly. A very familiar name popped on the screen.

Meet me at SC’s café tonight at 8.

As usual, he was a man with very few words. He could write thousands of lyrics in one sitting when his muse kicked in, but when it comes to daily conversations, he was quite awkward. I had to admit, usually I found it rather cute than annoying. But not today. My phone almost turned into a scattered mess on the floor. Questions began to flood my brain, ‘what’s and ‘why’s roaming freely. My hand was ready to type hundreds of questions about why he suddenly wanted to see me there and what he would do once we meet each other for the first time within days.

I opted to send a simple okay instead. Maybe because I knew Jepp won’t have that much time to read long texts, or because I was too scared to see what his answer would be.

The day went on very slowly I had to check whether the time was still running. Everything I or people around me did passed hazily, words drifting around me like a series of white noise. When the sky finally turned dark enough I was already on the streets, feeling the cool breeze of late January blew my face. Watching my breath turned white in front of my eyes and got fascinated like a small child. As I got closer to that place, the place where everything between me and Jepp started, my steps began to weigh tons. The question I had since earlier started repeating itself.

Maybe it was the right time for us to end this. And he wanted to end it in the place where it started.

I let my shaky fingers curled around the doorknob and pushed the door open. Everything was still the same; nothing had changed during the months of no visit from me. Still the familiar jingle of bells and a lot of smiles here and there. I took my usual place near the stage, where I used to gawk and fawn over Jepp and his crew whenever they performed.

Had I known that it would be really painful to have him by my side for a few months and know that it might end soon, I won’t let anything change. I would stay as his fan whose name was even unknown, having him smile at me during performances was more than enough.

As the cuckoo clock on the wall 8, a soothing melody began to play. I then realized that I must’ve been too lost in thoughts to see Soul Connection crew filling the stage. The music was foreign but their voices and style were still the same, like how I used to know.

Only Jepp was not there with them.

As they began the first verse of the song, I got carried away by the melancholy and the thumps of my heart got louder with every passing second.

Every day is so happy

You have reached a deep place in my heart

I definitely want to make you mine and grab a hold of you

Every day I close my eyes and pray that you feel the same

That when I open my eyes in the morning you’re by my side

I want to wake you with a sweet kiss

I want to paint happy pictures [of the future] only with you

Our little humble happiness

We’ll live for the fun of raising it every day

Even if our hearts ache and we’re hurt

Like [in] a maze without a light

Even if such difficult problems arise, baby don’t worry

I love you, only one

Forget the memories of being tired of living

I love you, only one

I love you like crazy, please marry me

Brain, stop giving me silly assumptions. My previous thoughts began to drift away as the lyrics seeped into my messed up head.

Even if the sky breaks in two pieces, you’re mine

No matter what others say, I’m on your side

I will protect you forever, definitely

That I promise here in front of you

Please marry me

I’ll promise like this

Please marry me

I’ll promise like this

Then a very familiar deep voice, the voice I used to hear on stage, then on the phone and finally right into my ear when I was falling asleep or waking up rumbled in the air, sending chills to my spine with each and every syllable. I tried looking around to see if I could find him, alas, no. He was rapping his part somewhere out of my sight.

A sweet kiss on your cheek

I will never live without you

Your lovely smile and scent

Make you radiate a light

Although we fight sometimes

Don’t ever forget our love

Only you and my happy LOVE

While imagining it I fall asleep this night

My gaze still follows only you

Your very beautiful appearance makes me smile, girl

Yeah, please be by my side forever

No matter how tired we are of each other

We can always depend on each other

That’s the kind of woman I want you to become for me, please

My head went blank, setting me as a frozen statue on my spot. I didn’t even realize the song had ended leaving utter silence until the crew gathered in front of the stage and pointed to something, or someone, behind me.

I turned around.

Greeting my sight was a beautiful small box with a lovely ring inside, but I didn’t take much time admiring the ring since all that mattered was the one holding the box. My gaze went up to meet a signature gummy smile I had grown accustomed to and a pair of sincere eyes, but they too, were vague because within one blink my eyes were covered with warm tears.

The world around me seemed to stop as the next words flew out of his mouth and into my hearing.

“Would you marry me?”

You probably have known by now, but in case you don't, the song featured in this fiction is Slake - Plz Marry Me

(credits to translatedkhiphoplyrics.tumblr.com for the translation)

there you go, dam... Told you it's bad =w=

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