September 10, 2013

To my Seunghyun,

I still remember the day when you first asked me out. I was a senior in high school, standing in front of our school gates with my friends. You were wearing a black leather jacket with skin tight jeans. You looked like trouble; I was scared. I ignored you to the best of my abilities but you were persistent. I almost said yes, did I ever tell you that? It was fortunate that my brother came to pick me up and shooed you away. Sanghyun didn't know how thankful I was when he showed up. 

I wasn't the perfect student, Math was never my forte, but I tried my best to be the perfect daughter. I always took pride in not giving my parents unnecessary stress and I was good in housework too, even if my father insists to let the hired help to handle it. I was their little princess and I was happy. I didn't have a lot of friends, but the few that I do have are close enough to be family. I was happy. I never felt I was missing anything, I thought I had everything I needed and more. Until there was you. 

From the first moment you approached me, I knew you were dangerous. You looked like you are capable of tilting my perfect world upside down. I knew you can shake the ground that I walk on and it scared me, YOU scared me. The way you looked at me, like you were seeing through me, makes me want to runaway. But you, being the that you are, chased after me. You came by my school almost everyday for at least 2 weeks, I hid behind teachers and friends but you still spotted me. You were haunting me even in my sleep; your deep and unnerving eyes follow me everywhere.

As fate would have it, you turned out to be the cousin of one of my best friends. You started hanging out with us, "chaperone" Minji so that she would stay away from trouble. But aren't you trouble personified? As time went on I discovered that you were a student in some university, studying Music. Your band performs at a local bar three times a week, you used to brag that you were great. After so many invitations, Bom finally relented and agreed to take me with her to one of your gigs. She "will cover" me from my parents. 

I didn't fall in love with your deep voice and you overwhelming charm on stage, I really didn't. But you were mesmerizing. You belong to the stage, somewhere I will never be comfortable in. Right then I decided that we were never meant for each other. We were so different, it will never work. However you were so damn stubborn! More time passed and you tried to convince me that you were not just a band player. And you were right, you were not just a band player. You continued to show me your different sides and I was flattered. Minzy confessed that she has never seen you act this way towards anybody. She said you even asked for her help. I found it cute. And perhaps that was the biggest mistake I made. I shouldn't have thought of you other than dangerous. I shouldn't have lowered my defenses. Before long I agreed to go on a date with you and it was the beginning of the end. 

You took me an Italian restaurant on our first date. Then a movie, an action flick filled with blood and half- people. I never thought it would be fun, but you made everything fun. Did you even know that it was my first date as well? I guess you didn't. 

One date turned to two, three, I couldn't count anymore. Then I didn't even notice that I was falling for you until you asked me to be your girlfriend. I guess my fear became obvious because you hugged me and promised to catch me. I allowed myself to fall and you did catch me. You can never imagine how happy I was to know that you were there. We began dating secretly, my parents didn't want me to be in a relationship, and you understood. We were so happy until my brother caught us in one of our dates. I wasn't allowed to step out of the house for a week but you never failed to send messages through Minzy. Unexpectedly, you came to our house on the last day and begged my father to bless our relationship. He was stubborn; you will never be good enough for me, he says. To tell you the truth, I don't think anyone will be good enough in his standards. I was happy you didn't take it personally. My family continued to oppose our relationship and it was taking a toll on me. So what was your solution? "We should elope! Then they can't do anything about it."

I thought I wasn't dumb but in retrospect, that was the dumbest solution I ever agreed to. We lived together for 2 years, they still didn't talk to me. I was already a university student and you already graduated. The band was becoming a huge success, even signed with a record label. We were so happy.

I fell and you caught me. But perhaps I was too heavy? Was I too much of a burden? I didn't mean to be. I worked and tried to pay half of the household expenses but you refused. I gave you everything I had and I thought you were happy. I thought we were happy. It was your idea to move in together. You said it would be alright. Did I do something to make you change your mind?

I wish I had more courage that time to ask you so many things. And not the stupid "Why her?" that I asked. I know it's not just her. It's not her fault. But why isn't it me? Wasn't I enough? Was living with me too much of a trouble? Did I not do everything you wanted? Was I not enough? I feel so helpless right now and lost. But I will be alright. I have to be. I just wish I didn't give everything away so i know how to pick up the pieces. How can I pick up the pieces that have been shattered to dust? How do I rebuild powder? I don't want to drift away but it's so difficult. 

I'm not blaming you for anything that happened. I just wish I knew why. They said that it's because you're a player, it's not my fault and that I'm lucky you stuck around for 2 years. But I don't think it's true. You are not just a player, right? You are Seunghyun.

My friends say that I'll be alright.  I'll be alright. I'll be alright. I'll be alright.I'll be alright. I'll be alright. Do you think if I say it often enough, it would come true? I hope so because that's the only thing keeping me going. I'll be alright. I'll be alright. I'll be alright. I'll be alright. I'll be alright.

I was offered a scholarship to Japan, I'm leaving soon. I hope leaving will make me whole again. Japan has weird stuff, maybe they have things that put dust back together. 

I'll be alright. I'll be alright. I'll be alright. I'll be alright.

Goodbye, my love.

Here's to hoping that someday, I will wake up and my heart will be mine again.

Sincerely, 

Park Sandara