It was one of those dark days I just wished to pass by quickly.

Rain has been slamming on my windowpane all night and morning came before I could get any sleep. I felt distraught the moment I got out of the bed. I had a day off from work and university and this is what I get? Rain and flooded streets?

I sighed in exasperation.

How unlucky.

I a coffee maker and went to the bathroom. Few minutes later I heard a sound of a doorbell.

“Bagels?” a voice said after I opened the door. A guy on my doorstep was few inches taller than me and his dark hair was completely soaked, but the little paper bag with breakfast in it stayed protected.

“What are you doing here so early, L oppa?” I groaned and let him in.

“What do you mean? I’m always here this early.” He made a point as he found his way around the apartment. He served us both a breakfast while I fetched him a towel to dry his hair.

“You should really break that habit,” I said.  Usually, I’m in a good mood and I’m known as a person with high level of patience, but today I just couldn’t take it.

So inconsiderate! So inconsiderate of everything I feel.

This guy has been my friend since our kindergarten days and it just so happened that our paths crossed all the time, and we enrolled the same high school and then university. We got the same job. Live in the same apartment complex. I always had a little bit of a crush on him. He seemed odd and dark at the beginning, but is actually very sweet and caring person. Over the years we spent hanging out together, I just kept falling even harder for him. And in all its honesty, I’m getting tired - so tired - of this one sided love.

And I just can’t seem to catch a break here.

“What habit? Eating breakfast?” he played dumb. “You know I don’t skip meals. Food has no effect on my handsome body.” He smirked.

I wish for him to leave. To give me some time and space to sort out these feelings, because I’m aware that ultimately I cannot confess to him. We grew up together. We were like siblings. I knew he could never return those feelings.

“Are you also having a day off?” I asked him pouring myself a cup of coffee and taking a seat across the table.

He just nodded in answer continuing to munch on his bagel. I gave him a long and quiet stare.

“Got anything planned for today?” he asked making me look away. “Is everything alright? You seem… Stressed out and exhausted. Are you sick?” His hand touched my forehead and shivers crept down my spine. I immediately pulled back.

“I’m fine, it’s the weather.” I responded and quickly left the table.

L raised his eyebrow curious, but in the end didn’t ask anything.

“Ok, I’ll be leaving now,” he said clearing up the table. “Rest and don’t forget to eat.”

The moment he left the apartment, I hit the back of my head against the wall.

Stop acting like a child and just tell him! Either way this madness has to stop.

 

Next day I had classes in the morning, I knew L oppa would be there most likely holding onto my breakfast. I was never dieting, but food did however, in the midst of my busy schedule, have a tendency to slip my mind. Yesterday, I thought it through once again, and knowing there was no chance in hell for him to accept my confession, I decided not to endanger our current relationship by telling him anything. So, I chose to avoid him for the time being, just until I make this feelings go away. Yes, I’m being a coward!

I entered the university from its backyard and sat myself in the most crowded area in the auditorium. Few minutes before class was about to start, I saw him standing at the doorstep and gazing around, probably looking for me. I sank into my seat and opened a book to make myself less visible.

Notification popped up on my phone.

L:         Did you not come to the class? I can’t see you anywhere. Have you changed shifts at work again?

I pretended not to see the message and just turned off the ringtone. I’m sorry oppa, I’ll need more time than I expected.

 

Days have gone by and my attempts to avoid L were all successful. Well, that was mostly because my cell phone was off and I spent most of the time squatting at my friend's place.

 

It’s been three weeks. I did get him out of my daily life, but his presence still lingered everywhere I went. There was not a spot in this city that didn’t somehow remind me of him.

 

A month has passed. Should I give up? I feel even worse than before. It’s suffocating in here. I decided to visit my hometown this weekend.

 

“Omma, appa! Your daughter is home,” I shouted while entering a house I grew up in. There was a big commotion and their faces appeared looking at me ever so surprised.

“Nana!” My mom screamed in joy and hugged me, but my dad didn’t seem as excited.

“I figured you’d be here in no time, you two are still inseparable.” My dad said mysteriously and walked back to the living room.

I raised my eyebrows and looked curiously at mom.

“L visited few hours ago,” she clarified.

“Oppa was here?” Heavy weight of mixed feelings overwhelmed me.

“Well, of course, he’s also visiting his parents for the weekend. You should have come together,” mom scolded me and I timidly apologized unwilling to explain the current stage of our relationship.

“Here,” she went and brought something back from the kitchen, “I made him his favourite kimchi stew, for being such a nice boy and taking care of you all this time.” She said handing it over to me.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked sheepishly.

“Well, take it to him,” she patted my back and pushed me through the doors.

“But I just got here,” I whispered, staring at the doors being shut in front of me.

Just great.

I made my way to his house hoping I could drop this off without seeing him. My rehabilitation was doing fine until now (or at least I made myself believe it was). Please, don’t be home, I thought as I knocked on the doors. How the hell am I suppose to face him?! Suddenly, I felt nauseous. Thankfully, his mother answered the doors.

“Nana!” she squealed. “You’re here too!” her joy seemed to have no ends.

“Yes, Mrs Kim,” I said and bowed respectfully.

“Oh, I see your mother worked hard again,” Mrs Kim said when I handed over packed kimchi stew. “Remind me to thank her later,” she continued pulling me inside her house.

“Please, come in and stay for the tea,” I had no choice but to obey.

“L, Nana is here to visit,” his mom said casually. My heart skipped a beat not ready to face him yet.

He looked at me with his eyebrows raised and lips put in a tight line as I entered the living room. At that moment, I honestly thought I might get burned to ashes by the fierceness of his eyes.

“Mom, we’ll be upstairs,” he informed her shortly and violently grabbed my wrist pulling me up the stairs to what I recall to be his room. He shut the door behind me.

I looked around the room ignoring the pulsing pain in my wrist. Nothing changed in the past few years. It was neat and tidy, and everything had its place. It felt very L-ish in here and made inner me smile. It reminded me how much I missed him. It hurt when I was with him, it also hurt to be without him. And now, oppa was right here in front of me, gripping tightly onto my hand. But it finally hurt a little less.

“Why didn’t you answer any of my calls or messages? You could have at least opened the doors when I came over, for gods sake,” he said with an angry tone making me unable to explain myself.

I’m acting stupid again, just spill the beans Nana!

“Nana, what the hell?!” he yanked my hand and released his grip. “Look at me!”

No, I can’t.

“Do you have any idea how worried I was?” he raised his voice.

I guess I’m about to find out.

“Not being able to reach nor find you anywhere. Not knowing if you’re even still alive.” He started shouting.

It’s the first time I’m seeing you this angry, oppa.

“Stop being so damned quiet and say something!” he cursed.

“I’m sorry! Ok?” I broke down. Tears flooded my eyes and everything became blurry. “I’m sorry,” I kept on repeating. I really was sorry. I did that not to hurt him, but in the end it all backfired. His arms surrounded me and pulled me into a hug.

“Just tell me why,” he whispered into my ear.

“It’s because I love you,” I answered instantly pushing myself away from his arms. “I love you, oppa!” I said it again and wiped my tears away. I raised my eyes and looked at his face, his jaw dropped.

“Just why would you…” he started, but I didn’t let him finish.

“For years now I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with you, to the point where I just can’t take it. I’m so sorry, because I thought it would go away if I made some distance between us. But it won’t. No matter what I did, where I went, everything was screaming L! I just really… do… love you, oppa.” I finally said it all out loud. He was still looking at me in disbelief.

Just then someone knocked and entered the room. His mom brought in the tea and some of the homemade cookies.

“I’m sorry Mrs Kim but I can’t stay any longer, my parents are expecting me at home,” I apologized and bowed again before leaving the room.

The walk towards my house seemed longer than I remembered. Maybe it was because my vision was blurry and steps smaller and smaller. I didn’t really want my parents to see me like this. I didn't want to explain anything to anyone at the moment. 

“Nana! Nana, wait!” I heard someone shout and turned around. It was L who was approaching me. Embarrassed, I started walking faster and used a sleeve of my hoodie to wipe away the tears. 

“Nana, stop!” he commanded, grabbing me by the shoulder and turning me to face him.

Before I managed to realize what’s happening he planted his lips on mine. The collision made me feel dizzy, but I immediately felt his hands securing around my waist and pulling me even closer to him. Unaware of our surroundings I clutched his shirt and deepened the kiss, a gesture he seemed to gladly reciprocate.   

“Don’t you ever leave like that again,” he said in soft voice after I moved away to try and catch my breath. “I love you, too, Nana. I love you.” He said in his most sincere voice, resting his forehead on mine.  

 

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/barfs rainbows/