You stood in the cold white room, staring at the body underneath the extensive tubing. The man’s chest moved up and down in sync with the ventilation machine next to the bed. An IV bag stood above it, slowly dripping a clear solution into a tube that ended in a syringe that was inserted into a thin pale hand.  A heart monitor stood across the other machines, with a slow steady beat echoing through the room.

                You convulsed over the bed in a tearless cry, in a near dehydration state. Seeing the person you loved more than yourself lying unconscious in a hospital bed made your body and mind collapse to a state almost as serious as his. You hadn’t eaten for days and the little water you drank was brought by the nurses and practically shoved it down your throat.

                Si Yoon had conscious moments from time to time since the chemotherapy drugs caused unbearable pain; the doctors induced him into a coma attempting to spare him of unnecessary suffering. The first times that the doctors had given him the strongest treatment as a last resort to fight his sickness, you stood by him while he cried out in pain, the medicine burning his veins as it spread through his body. Lately, you were unable to. Neither did he want you next to him. You felt the purest of despair for being unable to ease his suffering. And he felt guilty of dragging you along in his demise. 

                These were the longest and hardest days of your life. But also the ones that were more meaningful.

*

                Lately, Si Yoon hadn’t been feeling too well. You had been dating for 3 years now; you knew him well enough to notice something about him was off. His almost more-than-healthy appetite that surprised everyone who kept him company for a meal had faded the previous weeks. He had haunting migraines which left him unable to eat or even go around in his normal routine. He had always been pale, but lately his healthy porcelain skin had a sickly tone to it. And the sign that made you realize your boyfriend wasn’t well was the disappearance of his trade mark smile. You had never seen Si Yoon not showing a heartful smile for more than 24 hours. And right now, you had a hard time remembering when you had last seen it.

                ‘Oppa, can we make a deal today?’ You sat facing Si Yoon that was sitting across the dinner table in your apartment’s kitchen. ‘Sure… What is it?’ He weakly replied, eyeing his breakfast with a nauseated look in his face. ‘I’m worried… So later, while I go to the college to receive my answer, go to Dr.Jin… I know he’s been calling you for a while now.’ You averted your eyes from his as you said the last sentence. You knew he had been keeping that away from you and that your snooping around could make him angry. ‘But honey, I know what he’s going to say… He’ll say I need some supplements and to be more careful with my health while dealing with stressful projects.’ He put away his tableware, his meal untouched. As he started to get up from his sit, he swayed and held on to the table for balance. You sprung up, holding his arms to support him. Tears of frustration ran down your eyes, your hands trembling with fear and doubt of what might be causing Si Yoon to be like this. ‘Please… Si Yoon-ah. Even if you already know what he is going to say, go get whatever it is that you need. I can’t stand seeing you like this. Every time I go outside without you I worry that I may come back to you, passed out on the floor… And being too late to help. So please… If you’re not willing to do it for yourself, do It for me.’ You begged him, the small tears from before now cascading endlessly down your face. You saw a single tear went down his eyes . ‘Okay… If it’s that important to you, I’ll go.’

                You were sitting in the college’s office, staring at the clock that was droningly clicking away. Your anxiety grew bigger every time the thinner pointer went forward. Two thoughts occupied your whole mind; could you get into your dream college, and was your boyfriend okay. You no longer knew where to look at. Clenching your phone as hard as you could as if that would make that expected message come faster, and lightly stomping your feet on the wooden floor getting ready to get up when the lady you talked to earlier returned. Five minutes later, you were still doing the same when you saw the bright purple sweater that the office lady was wearing coming closer to the counter. You rose from your seat at lightning speed in order to meet her as quickly as possible. You wanted to meet Si Yoon as soon as you could, even if he didn’t know anything yet. You just wanted to be there to support him at all times, but that wasn’t always possible when your own matters had to be attended to. ‘Miss, I’m sorry for your waiting. Here is your letter.’ She handed you a plain sealed envelope with your name printed on it. You thanked the worker and made your way outside. If the answer was negative, you would feel less bad if you weren’t confined in a room. Anxiously, you trembled your way to open the envelope. In a rather messy result, you opened the envelope and unfolded the letter. The first sentence was the only one that your eyes were able to read. ‘Congratulations on being accepted to our college.’ Tears of joy rolled down your cheeks as you ecstatically jumped up and down.

 After awakening from the happiness daze, you ran to the taxi plaza. Half way through, your phone rang. On the caller display ‘ Oppa <3 ‘ blinked in different colors. You picked up, almost forgetting the reason he was probably calling. As your tongue was rolling out the good news you had just received, you heard sobbing from the other side of the call. ‘Si Yoon-ah… You’re scaring me… What’s wrong?’ Still, the only answer you got was more sobbing. Your heart was beating franticly with worry, your feet entering auto-pilot mode rushing you to the nearest cab. As you were extending your hand to open the taxi’s door, a single word froze you on your spot.

                ‘Cancer.’
                ‘I have 2 months to live.’

*
                Two months had already went by since you first heard it. You had met up with Si Yoon at the hospital. You had hung up the call as you entered the taxi and you didn’t mutter a single sound. You didn’t even cry. You were in a state of utter shock. Your mind froze completely, unable to process the news. ‘Cancer? How can it be cancer. And two months left, how? He’s always been healthy, there is no way this is possible. It’s probably a mistake, a swapped diagnosis.’

                When you arrived to the hospital, you were lead to the cancer ward. Little by little, the reality sunk into your bind. Entering the doctor’s office, you saw your boyfriend sitting in a chair sobbing uncontrollably. At that moment, the shock could no longer hold in your reaction. ‘Si Yoon-ah.. It’s a lie isn’t it? It’s just a prank, right?’ You said as you walked closer to him. You stole a gaze at the doctor, who immediately looked down at the papers on top of his desk, with a sad look that said he had nothing good to tell you. Si Yoon looked up to you, his eyes shot red from the intensive crying. He didn’t need to say a word, as at that moment, you understood the situation. Your knees gave out under you, and you plopped on the floor next to Si Yoon crying hysterically. You kept punching the floor and hitting your head. Si Yoon sat down next to you and hugged you while trying to stop you from hurting yourself. You could feel how weak his grip was and calmed down in fear of hurting his now fragile body. After a while crying, he lifted your head, using a tissue to clean away the tears, snot and drool that covered your face.

After you calmed down, the doctor explained what exactly was wrong with Si Yoon. He had last stage brain cancer in an inoperable part of the brain. It was an extremely rare type of cancer, as it was surprisingly fast in development, which made its mortality rate close to 100%. The medical team still wanted to try some treatments to see if it was possible to reduce the growth enough in order to make the surgery possible. However, two months later, here you were, staring at your boyfriend which you hardly recognize. Instead of that perfect looking boy who you had madly fallen in love with at first sight, before you stood a corpse like body, lying in a hospital bed unable to move. His eyes had sunken visibly due to his extreme weight loss and his hair had fallen out too. Being the first symptom, you rushed to buy him an immense amount of beanies for him to cover his bald hair and avoid feeling self-conscious of his changing looks. From them on, you did everything you could to make him stay positive about the future. That was part of the path to healing, was what the doctor had told you. Whenever he was allowed to, you took him on calm and romantic dates and to do things he had written on his bucket list. A part of you did it while thinking it was a way of helping your soul mate recover from his sickness. Another part of you just wanted to make sure you made as many happy memories with him before he was gone. No matter what the real reason behind your actions were, one thing was sure. Your love for him grew only stronger through this period of both your lives. You were even surer that this was the man you wanted to be with the rest of your life, that you wanted to build a family with, grow older next to him. To be with him until his last moment.

Those memories where what you last talked about. At the end of the two month deadline, Si Yoon had only strength to lie in his bed with his eyes closed and talking a little bit with a lot of effort. On the 64^th day after the first time you heard about his deadline, you were holding his hand, trying to show him photos of your dates, making him remember his happy and lively times. You had a soft smile on your face, contrasting with the heavy dark circles under your eyes you had gained from not being able to sleep peacefully, always afraid of not being there for Si Yoon when his time came. As you affectionately patted his head, he slowly open his eyes and looked up to you.

‘Honey… You know I love you, don’t you? I am so sorry for making you go through this… And all I can say is thank you. Thank you for standing next to me even when I can’t move an arm to caress your face, or sit up and hold you in my arms. Thank you for encouraging me and reassuring me with that beautiful smile of yours, even when you had nothing but sadness inside your heart.  Thank you for being here every time I wake up and every time I fall asleep. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for needing you like this. If it’s good for anything, know that even before all of this, I already loved you with all of my heart, from the first time I saw you smile at me. My heart feels complete now. I feel complete. I know I came into this world to find you and to give you happiness. That was my mission on this world. And I failed at it. If I go… No, when I go, I’ll be reborn as someone who will never deserve love. I’ll be born as someone who doesn’t want to find love. I’ll be but a wandering bum with no reason to live. Because I found what my soul was searching for and I wasn’t able to stay with you for as long as we were supposed to. That is my own fault, and I will pay for that with my own sadness. So please, let me take your sadness with me. When I’m no longer around, smile. Remember the me from before, not the me from now. And don’t keep my memory alive on your mind. Lock it deep in your heart. There, my memory will forever be alive with you without becoming something painful. I’m not sure of what is waiting for me on the other side… But I promise you, that if I’m not reborn, if I don’t go away to somewhere… No, even if I’m supposed to, I’ll stay behind. I’ll stay behind and watch over you. I’ll watch over you and keep you happy. I’ll prevent you from remembering me and I’ll make sure you find happiness. So please… Promise me this… I want to hang on to this life for a bit longer, for you… But I don’t know if I can do that anymore… It hurts… And I have no strength left in this body…’

                Hearing his speech, your tears were awakened and once again cascaded down your face as you were unable to understand exactly what you were hearing. You felt sadness, panic, anger, love… Each of these feelings where mixed inside of you as kept hearing his whispered words that were exhausting him visibly. Your mind kept trying to find something to answer him, your ideas completely tangled from the rush of being able to reply before he moved on. You knew this was the moment. This was your last goodbye. This was the last time you would look into Si Yoon’s eyes. This was the last time you would hear his voice, feel his warmth and this pulse on his soft hand. As you realized this, your heart took control of you and the bittersweet words just flowed from your tongue.

                ‘It’s okay. Oppa, it’s okay. I will try to keep that promise to you… I can’t assure you that I will be able to, but I will try. Because my heart feels the same as yours. They’re in sync. So please understand that it will be broken to pieces when you leave. Because it will lose it’s half… I’ll try to fix it like you want me to, but I don’t know if I can. But I will worry about that.’ You sat on the bed, putting his head on your lap while slowly caressing his face. ‘But it’s okay… I know it hurts. So you can let go now, oppa. It’s okay to go now. I love you, so while you’re in my arms, being loved, please go peacefully. It’s okay, because I don’t want you to hurt anymore. It’s okay… It’s okay to go….It’s… Okay…’ As you slowly said those words, Si Yoon’s eyes slowly closed, and you could feel his pulse weaken. You felt his last breath slowly exiting his body, and as the heart monitor started to beep intensely, you held on to your soul mate’s now limp, lifeless body.

                As the nurses rushed to the room, your cries could be heard throughout the hospital ward.

*

                The funeral was held 3 days later. You stood next to his mourning mother and grandmother. You mourned different pains but there was no way to measure which was greater. The pain was simply pain. The purest kind of pain. The loss of someone that took a great piece of your heart with them. Your face was target of much gossip in the funeral home. Even with tears rolled down your face without a break, your expression was of nothingness. There was no feeling displayed in it. It was your way to keep Si Yoon’s dying wish. You did not acknowledge your crying, instead, you just locked your conscience away, numbing yourself in order to be able to make it through the whole funeral process.

                After it was over, his mom gave you part of his ashes, asking you to release them at his favorite place. You accepted her request and left without another word. You never saw neither his mother nor grandmother again.

                You spent the following days locked inside your apartment in sheer darkness. Wherever you turned, there was something that belonged to Si Yoon. After all, you had been living together. But you could not bring yourself to dispose of even the most insignificant thing. To throw anything away would feel like throwing a memory with him away.

                You were obviously unable to keep your promise. You knew at the moment you made it that it would be impossible to keep. Losing him would not break your heart into a thousand pieces. It was taking it with him, leaving a void that could only be filled with boiling pain. A pain that had never ceased from the moment they took Si Yoon from your embrace.

                A week later, you were still aimlessly wandering inside the house. You were entering in a malnourished phase – eating only a small meal a day in order to keep functioning.

                Today, while trying to force your body to accept the food you prepared, you suddenly felt a pull that made you look at your reflection in the window. The sight made you shiver and break down crying, the liquid pain in your chest feeling like it was consuming your whole body. The reflection was disturbingly similar to Si Yoon when it was time to eat. You were struggling in the same way he did. That awareness made you slip into a completely new state of depression, one you though was unable to inexperience. Entering an auto-destructive mode, you surrounded yourself with everything in the house that belonged to Si Yoon or that had even the smallest of connections to him. Sitting in the middle of the living room, the most random set of things made a circle around you. As your eyes went through the objects, your body automatically curled up and lied down on the floor. You felt the now familiar salty wetness in your face and cried yourself to sleep.

                Waking up the next morning, you were holding in your hands a purple velvety photo album. You wondered how you had gotten hold of this during your sleep, as you had been unable to find it the other evening. After brushing your messy hair from your face, you opened the album. The photos strung another sharp metal string that cut through your body. The memories contained in these photos evoked such an immeasurable pain that you probably had subconsciously not found them before.

                The photos were of a trip you had taken before Si Yoon had started to get sick. You spent 3 wonderful days on the lovely beaches of Jeju island. You had even discussed moving there to settle down one day. As you continued to flip through the pages, you were unaware that the ashes of your late boyfriend were placed right beside you. As you gazed over them, a click echoed in your mind.

                You automatically got up and slowly made your way to the bedroom. Searching endlessly through your closet you found the summer dress you were searching for. You dress in an exact replica of the outfit you had worn on the photos, despite being winter. You put several objects inside your large summer straw purse, including the metal urn that contained Si Yoon’s ashes. Taking one last look into your apartment, you could faintly see small scenes of interaction that where stored in your memory. With a last tear, you locked you apartment, leaving the key on top of the door mat.

*

After a long bus ride to the south of the country with people looking weirdly for your out of season outfit and nonchalant expression, you took a ferry to Jeju. Your mind throughout the journey was void of any thoughts or memories. You had completely shut down inside yourself. You were driven only by the purpose of this trip. One day after you had said goodbye to your old apartment, to your old life, without even saying goodbye to your family or friends, you reached the beach that was showed in the photos. Strolling along the beach made you allow yourself to release the tears and emotions you had suppressed while you traveled to this specific location. Without realizing, you ended your absent walk in a rocky cliff above the beach.

                The tears finally stopped flowing and the pain started to fade as you reached for small plastic pack where 1 month worth of Si Yoon’s pain killers were.  You swallowed all of them and then reached for the ashes. You took a step closer to the edge and opened the urn.

                You turned your back to the cliff and as you held tightly to his ashes, you whispered.

                ‘I’m sorry.’

                With that, you let yourself fall backwards to the revolted sea.

                Falling down to your death, you felt a warm and familiar embrace.

                As if Si Yoon was holding you, forgiving you for going to meet him. 

 

The End