“Hyung,” Junhong says one day, while they're all sitting around the television, watching an episode of Attack on Titan that Jongup had dragged everyone to see, “when do you think we’ll win an award on a music show?”

The question isn’t addressed towards anyone specific, but everyone’s heads turn towards Yongguk instinctively (Jongup’s got a five-second delay, though, because it really pains him to have to turn away from his anime).

Yongguk’s face is impassive for several moments—several moments too long for Junhong, because he knows the elder is just trying to think of a philosophical response.

“We’ll win when our fans think we’ve deserved it,” Yongguk finally says, and Junhong rolls his eyes, having heard those words in some iteration or another far too many times before.

“What if our fans never think so?” Junhong asks, his voice smaller than he ever thought it could be. “Remember when we first debuted? Everyone thought we were the best, and crazy for coming back so many times. Now look at everyone. EXO’s winning, VIXX is winning…”

“We only had two comebacks,” Youngjae remarks.

“So did EXO,” Daehyun mutters, the thought in everyone else’s minds. “And VIXX is from a small company too.”

“What about next year?” Himchan adds, his eyebrows drawn together in an angry V. “YG’s coming out with a new boy group, so’s JYP.”

“What if,” Jongup says, his voice meek, “we end up like U-Kiss sunbaenims?”

The room is dead silent, save for the sound of someone dying yet again on the TV.

Because once Jongup starts voicing doubts, there’s really a problem.

Junhong watches Yongguk as he processes everything, but he knows that Yongguk doesn’t see things the rest of them do.

Yongguk’s never really wanted to be an idol. He doesn’t care for the tight musical control, the tight image, and least of all, the tight pants. He doesn’t feel it so much as the rest of them—the rest of them who can’t make it on their own as well as he could. He doesn’t have as much to lose if it all falls through, especially since he’d been making it decently on his own before TS snapped him up.

“Hey,” Himchan says, breaking the tense silence with an awkward chuckle, “stop worrying about this stuff. We’re not hopeless. We’ll win someday, once we shoot more fangirls in the heart and take over their souls.”

Youngjae throws a pillow at Himchan, and they all roll their eyes at his cheesiness, and they all settle back into some semblance of how they’d been before, eager to put their minds off of more depressing thoughts. It’s their day off, after all, and they shouldn’t waste time dwelling on such things.

Junhong tries to lose himself in titans destroying walls, but all he can think about is his potential future down the drain.

He stands up without a word, and Jongup reaches out for him (bless his heart—the two of them are so attuned to each other that the elder just knows when something’s wrong, but sometimes Junhong just wants to be alone). He walks to the room he shares with the rest of the members, hoping that none of them will follow him in. It’s hard to get privacy in their shared dorm, but they’ve all learned how to respect each other’s space to a certain extent.

He flops down onto his bunk, his too-long legs hanging awkwardly off the side, and he sighs.

What will happen to them?

He knows that they’ll have to disband someday. When, he doesn’t know, but he knows it’s inevitable. In just a few years, Yongguk and Himchan will have to go to the army, and Daehyun and Youngjae soon after. Jongup and himself have a ways to go, but the group doesn’t feel complete with even one member missing—they’ve experienced it once when Himchan was out with his hand injury, and everything just felt so, so wrong.

Would their fans still support them when they started dating? Junhong knows the group’s already had its own hint of controversy with Yongguk and Jieun, and the backlash, while minor in comparison to what could have happened, was still enough to prompt social media silence for a good while. He knows it’s important to keep the fans happy, but their minds are fickle, and they’re bound to outgrow boy bands at some point in their lives.

And what about their music? Already, he knows they're not extremely popular with the Korean public, but are they doomed to die out among other forgotten groups from small companies? Before he’d left Mokpo, he’d promised everyone that he’d come back a star, a legend, but how could he keep that promise?

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until the liquid hits his cheek, and he wipes it away furiously. He hasn’t cried in a long time, not after Himchan had for crying at their concert, and he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t show weakness.

But he’s still young; still a child who’d had to grow up too fast, because the world of fame is merciless and unforgiving to the weak, and all he can do is hope and pray that he’ll be able to prove himself as something more than a tall country boy.

Someday.

But that day is not today, Junhong thinks to himself as he rolls over and sighs into his pillow.

He’s tired from all that thinking.

i kinda wanted to write something longer, but... no time. maybe another day? c: lol