You lay in bed and feel your body ache. Every joint searing in pain. Your eyelids are heavy and refuse to stay open but you don't want them to anyways. All you want to do is sleep and all your body wants to do is sleep but instead you lay there in semi-consciousness. You huff and smack the bed as you roll around and try to get comfortable. But the pain in your bones and the pain in your muscles don't allow it. Your eyes water in frustration because all you want is to sleep but the illusion of sleep dances around you and refuses to touch you. You cry in to your pillow for the pain to go away. If you only got enough sleep you wouldn't feel it in the first place and now it was only adding to it. The night drags on and you feel every second of every minute ticking by.

So you take a pill and hope the nausea won't be as bad in the morning. There's a pill for that.



You're at work and she's screaming in joy because she's engaged. You smile and squeal and jump in joy with her because that is what you're suppose to do. Then he's crying and shaking because his dad passed away. You frown and you worry and you tell him you're sorry because that is what you're suppose to do. But you don't feel happy and you don't feel sad. You don't feel anything at all. You don't care. You go through the motions because that's what is expected of you but you're only acting the part you're suppose to play. You don't care if it's sunny or rainy. You don't care if you wear the red shirt or the blue shirt. You don't care if you eat nothing or if you eat enough for three people. You don't care. And it's not because of apathy but of "Why don't I care?" Why? Because you're suppose to be happy and you're suppose to be sad and you look at everyone else and their emotions and wonder why you're different and if you'll ever feel human again. Why?

So you take a pill and hope it'll help you feel again. There's also a pill for that.



You're at home and you cry and you scream and you pull at your hair hard enough to make it hurt. Your lungs burn in your chest and you feel like your drowning. Your mind can't think properly because your body is being torn apart by a storm and it pushes you one way and then another. But you can't run and take shelter because the storm is inside you and you feel it in every fiber of your being. It's tearing muscle away from bone and you're skin tingles from the sensation. Every nerve of every limb is screaming in pain and you scream with it because it hurts and everything hurts. Your head, your hand, your legs, your arms, your knees, your chest, your feet, your back. And it won't stop. So you go to the kitchen and you grab a knife and you push your pants down a little. Left hip is your spot so you can cover it and no one can see and ask questions or judge you. It's not even deep but it's enough as the red seeps through the skin and on to the blade. Instead of blood though the storm bleeds out of you and you dig your finger in to the cut so it'll hurt more because it's the only thing cutting through the pain in your body. You slip back in to numb apathy as the storm drains out of you and you're finally able to take a breath and it not hurt. But then your eyes water over what you did because it's a band-aid and not a solution. You know it's a drug because it's just as addictive as meth or heroin. The more you do it the more you crave it and it becomes a crutch that you can't live without and it'll always hold you back.

Then he walks in and sees before you can hide it and you see it in his eyes. You feel guilty and a failure and disappointed in yourself but his eyes say the same. He feels guilty and disappointed because he wants to help you but he can't and he knows it and it makes him feel helpless. You make him feel helpless when you're suppose to make him feel happy.

"Sorry. I'm just so sick of all these pills."

He nods his head like he understands because that's what he's suppose to do but you know he doesn't understand. He's whole and he's perfect and you're damaged and broken. And you want nothing more than to be like him. Not only for you but for him and for this relationship before it sails away and never comes back.

So you take a pill and hope it'll calm the new storm rising inside of you. There's another pill for that.