||Soundtrack: B.A.P – Unbreakable||

"I’d have no regrets dying on stage." – Kim Jongin, EXO

The patient’s withered glare bores holes into the ceiling of the room. The curtains are drawn tightly shut, cutting off the sunlight from reaching the dull room. Lit only by a flickering bulb, dull and colorless describes the atmosphere perfectly. There is a continuous beep of a small machine in the corner. Despite the many times the counters and floors had been sprayed of detergent and soap, the place still reeks of death and despair. The metal door is barricaded shut. On the doorknob hangs a card with a series of numbers indicating the room and patient number. 

His mental thoughts are muddled and fuzzy, occasionally drifting across the border of consciousness. Whenever he shuts his eyes, he would see a single figure in his mind, stripped of any colour, staring right through his soul. It was downright creepy. The figure would continue to dance, twirling as fragments of light hit its slender body and shatter. The person wears an arrogant smirk on his flawless face and he can’t help but think the dancer reminds him of someone. 

The patient grows tired of the place. His jaw hardens as he reaches a conclusion. The hum of the machine muffles his movements as he reaches for his phone lying on the bedside table. With trembling fingers he dials a number.

His voice is raspy and tired. “Hello? Hyung?”

The person on the line is surprised. “Jongin? Is that you?”

“Yeah. Hyung, do me a favour. Get me out of his hellhole.”

“You know I can’t do that.” The person’s tone is disapproving. Jongin frowns.

“Please. Get me on stage. My final moments…I want to spend them on stage.” Pleading. Full of longing. The other almost crumbles.

“You can’t.” There’s a hint of sympathy.

His words are full of resolve and determination. “I will. Please hyung, just do that one last thing for me. I won’t ask for more. I won’t even ask you to call for the hospital afterwards.”

He can tell the other will say yes. After all, they were his final wishes. 

With a resigned sigh, the other agrees half-heartedly. “I’ll be there in ten.”

A sad smile is painted on Jongin’s face as he surveys his surroundings for the last time. He will definitely not miss this place. The windowless walls. The marble floor. The slow dripping of the IV. It wasn’t where he belonged. 

A head pokes through the unlocked door. Jongin glances up. “Oh, hyung. You’re here.”

A smile forces its way on the person’s features. “I told you I would.” He beckons to Jongin, his eyes regretful. “Come, we don’t have much time before the show starts.”

“Just a moment.”

Jongin reaches over and grabs the sheaf of papers that the nurse had brought in the previous day. With a small grin, he swiftly tears the papers to pieces. They flutter to the ground like confetti. The other raises an eyebrow at Jongin’s actions but decides not to question him.

Jongin watches quietly before shuffling towards the door. He is supported by his hyung and exits the room without turning back.

The door slams shut and the impact causes the curtains to slightly flutter, casting a shard of light one particular piece of shredded paper. 

In bold, black letters it reads, Kim Jong In, victim of acute myeloid leukemia. 

Jongin’s steps are frail as he limps backstage. Luhan, having fetched him from the hospital, supports him. The backstage staffs look at him in concern. “Is he okay to perform?” one asks. 

Luhan’s head whips up and stares at them nervously. “O-of c-course he is! H-he’s just f-feeling a bit d-down. Nothing’s wrong with him!” 

They seem a bit taken aback by his conviction. Jongin carefully studies his hyung. Luhan’s eyes are teary and filled with sadness. He was probably trying to convince himself rather than the staff. Jongin gently squeezes his hand reassuringly. 

“I’ll be okay,” he murmurs.

Luhan deep gaze bores into him and his eyes scream you’re going to die, how is that okay?!

Jongin offers a small smile before he is escorted away to the edge of the stage. He lowers a black top hat on his head so it covers his glistening eyes. His stage costume is especially sparkly today. It is almost too cheerful.

There is a pounding of footsteps and he whirls around. The other EXO members are sweaty and tired, after just finishing their showcase. Their eyes widen in shock at the appearance of their supposedly sick member. Luhan is the only person he’s told about his disease. 

“Oh hyung! Thank god you’re here!” Sehun exclaims cheerily. “The fans were so disapp-,”

Kris slaps his hand over Sehun’s mouth while Suho glances at Jongin worriedly.

“Jongin-ah! I thought you were sick! You shouldn’t be performing,” Suho admonishes.

Jongin again forces a feeble smile on his face and reassures s. “I’ll be okay. Wouldn’t want to disappoint the fans.” He attempts a laugh but it comes out hollow and fake.

No one seems to notice his deathly pale skin or his blood-shot eyes. They all beam happily at them, glad that he would perform after all. Jongin’s gaze travels over all s, mentally bidding them farewell. His eyes linger on Chanyeol’s bright smile, Lay’s gentle eyes and Suho’s kind features. He wants to remember every aspect. He wants to remember the causes for bis happiness. His eyes soften as he spots Luhan looking on uneasily in the audience. 

A backstage crewmember motions to Jongin. “You’re up,” he mouths. Jongin is sent off with bubbly exclamations of ‘fighting!’ and gentle slaps on the back that make him wince involuntarily. He steps on stage and is met with loud screams and cheers. Banners reading his name dot the sea of fans and glowing lightsticks shine brighter than the stars. Adrenaline rushes through him as music begins to play. 

With every chord that strikes, his body precisely follows. His movements are fluid, despite his diseased state. The single spotlight captures his twirling figure, emitting gasps of admiration from the audience. He dances on in exhilaration, oblivious to his screaming muscles and inability to breath properly. He soon begins to feel faint. His eyes are beginning to glaze over. Jongin wants to finish the dance but his body begs to differ. He twirls once more, the longest he’s ever done and in the process flings off his hat right towards Luhan. Shock is painted on the other’s face as he catches Jongin’s black top hat. 

Jongin is still twirling, his body limp like a ragdoll. As if on cue, the music stops and a loud thud echoes through the stadium as he collapses. A wave of confusion and panic shoots through the audience. Frantic shouts pierce through the air but Jongin hears none of that. Maybe he is imagining it but he hears the haunting sound of a piano being played. The melody rings in the air, meshing uncomfortably with the messy glow of light sticks and the blurriness of his vision. His body feels numb. He watches Luhan with half-lidded eyes as the latter opens the letter that Jongin had stuffed in his hat earlier. Jongin opens his lips and mouths the exact words written on his final letter in satisfaction. He looks straight at Luhan while the other’s panicked gaze is fixated on the paper.

“Hyung, sorry for worrying you. I know I’ve said this many times but I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay wherever I am because I’ll be going with every happy memory I’ve made with EXO. I think you should tell the other members. I wouldn’t want them worrying as well. I wouldn’t want them to think I’ve just fainted or something silly like that,” he whispers.

Sadness melting almost into total oblivion, Jongin can just recall something that brings a genuine smile back on his face. His eyes flutter to a close as the happy memory plays in his head like a film.

All the members were gathered around a campfire to celebrate their second anniversary as a group. Sehun was stuffing marshmallows into his mouth. Jongin just sat there, looking up at the twinkling stars. A nudge in his side made him glance down. Sehun looked at him, with a trace of chocolate on his lips. 

“Hyung, how important is performing to you?” he asked curiously.

Jongin stared blankly at the stars, as if they would provide an answer. 

“I’d have no regrets dying on stage,” he answered truthfully. 

Sehun eyes widened in amazement.

“You sure, hyung? No regrets?” he muttered, unconvinced.

Jongin nodded confidently, his eyes brightening. 

“No regrets.”