"I love you"

He's not even looking at me anymore. How did it get to be like this? Only moments before we were laughing together. Now I can feel him drifting from me. The worst part is it's my fault. I'm not even sure why I said it. Or when even. It just sort of bubbled from my mouth and launched itself into the world. Now what can I do? He's my band mate, my best friend. And now its ruined because of three stupid words. How could I be so careless?

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

" I love you"

Does he even know what those words mean? I know he is the same age as me but sometimes he just seems so much younger. Those words are promises he can't hope to fuly understand and I dont think my heart could take that. I can't, no wont look at him, one look into those perfect eyes and I'll crumble. I can't do this to him. But mostly I can't do this to me. So with a heaving breath I reply.

" You don't even know what love is, kid."

  -  -  -  -  -  -

" You don't even know what love is, kid."

His words hit me like a brick wall to the face. However I think even a thousand beatings would not hurt as much as his words. He still wont look at me and I can physically feel my heart breaking. How can he say I dont know what love is when i'm stood before him with tears streaming down my face, risking everything just so he knows how i feel. I feel my legs beginning to weaken under me.

" I do when I look at you."

  -  -  -  -  -  -  - 

" I do when I look at you"

Please don't say these things to me. My heart can not take such words. Because I might just believe them. Because I might just accept them.

" Then don't look at me."

-  -  -  -  -  - 

"Then dont look at me."

Is he kidding? We're in a band together! I see him everyday. Talk to him everyday. Laugh, touch, hug and sing with him every god damn day. But I'm not supposed to look at him? Im not even sure if im breathing anymore. Or if im even in love any more. My heart just hurts. All that seems left is anger. How did things go so wrong?

" Why?"

-  -  -  -  -  -

"Why?"

Because I love you too. Because I can't. Because we can't. Because of our lives and where we live. But most of all because I can't be what takes your dream from you. Nothing would hurt me more. So if hating me is what it takes then so be it. Your heart will heal, and you will find someone new. Someone better. I'm no good for you.

" Because I don't want you to."

-  -  -  -  -  -  - 

"Becuase I don't want you to"

His voice is so cold but I can hear the emotion still. He never was good at hiding his emotions. But what is he hiding? Anger? Sorrow? Pitty? He is my best friend. He could have just let me down softly. Do I discust him so much? What will this mean for VIXX? What does this mean for us?

"Do you hate the idea of me loving you that much?"

-  -  -  -  -  -  -  - 

"Do you hate the idea of me loving you that much?"

His voice breaks as he says the word loving. God how I want to hold him. Brush away his tears. I can't do this. I'm hurting him. What if this breaks us just like loving him would? What can I do. Im so scared. I cant help it. I break. I look over to him. He is the living embodyment of broken. His face is stained with tears as his hands furiously wipe them away while he fights to hold back sobs. As if I wasn't heart broken before. My Beanie is so hopeless and it's all my fault. The next words I utter are a mistake and I can only hope they were too quiet to hear.

" I could never hate a single thing about you"

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  - 

" I could never hate a single thing about you"

My ears must be tricking me. But when I look up I see his eyes quickly glancing away. Oh, so now you have seen what you have done? But what does that even mean? Never hating anything about me? He just told me not to love him and has sat coldly while he obliterates my hearts. I can't take this.

" Then maybe I hate you. Maybe thats how things will work now" 

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  - 

"Then maybe I hate you. Maybe thats how things work now"

How can the things you've been longing to hear hurt so much? It feels like my head and heart have just been assulted by rabid dogs. Things are going exactly how I wanted them to. But I'm not sure I can take it.

" Good"

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

"Good"

Good he says? Good? My god. I really have ed everything up. I have lost him. My best friend. My first love. My 93line twin. I have ruined everything.

"Good?"

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  - 

"Good?"

No, no its not good. Its awful. But how can I tell you that? How can anything be goood again when I wont get to be by your side ever again? What am I ever to do? I am ruining everything, but the other option is worse. You are too young. Too pure for scandal, for your life to be over. Your dream is too big and you dont understand yet what our love would cause. I dont know if you've even thought of that.

"Goodnight Hongbin."

-  -  -  -  -  -  -  - 

"Goodnight Hongbin"

So now you're just going to leave? I feel my knees hit the floor. My body has given up. Whats the use in continuing to fight when you're gone? Let me just cry here for tonight. Tomorrow I have to go out and paint on my smile. So for tonight I will lay here and cry. Tomorrow when they find me and wake me up I will pretend to forget.

"Please d-don't le-eave m-m-me. Do-n't go."

-  -  -  -  -  -  - 

"Please d-don't le-eave m-m-me. Do-n't go."

Oh god. What. Have. I. Done. The love of my life is crying on the floor.

" I ed up. I ed up. Im sorry. God Im sorry. Oh my god I ed up so much."

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

" I ed up. I ed up. Im sorry. God Im sorry. Oh my god I ed up so much."

I feel arms around me as he just keeps mumbling the same words over and over. He has me sat in his lap as he clings to me crying. And I find myself hugging him back. I dont know how he ed up or if he's sorry about this, or about something else. But despite all the pain he's just put me through I find myself wanting to make it okay for him again. Because despite what he said, i really do love him with all my useless heart.

"What did you up Wonshik? Why are you sorry?"

  -  -  -  -  -  -  

"What did you up Wonshik? Why are you sorry?"

And thats why I love you. I have hurt you so much yet you find it in yourself to still give a crap about me. I cling to you harder. I owe it to you to tell you.  You may well hate me more for it. But you deserve to know right? Especially considering that here you are holding me trying to comfort me after I was so awful to you.

" It was a lie. All of it. God Hongbin if I could I would ask you to love me forever. I would take you to every place you've ever dreamed of visiting and treat you to anything your heart desired. Not because I think you'd nessicerilly want that. But because you'd deserve it. You deserve beautiful things and a beautiful love in a beautiful house with a beautiful family to come home to after a long wonderful career doing what you love. Your dream. And I can't give you that. So I can not ask you to love me. I cant take your life from you."

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

" I can't take your life from you"

Somewhere along the line during his rant he buried his face in my hair and some words took many attempts to get out over his sobbing. But despite all of that and all of his words. Despite how wrong he was about so many things I couldnt help the little jolt of hope I got. He loves me. But he's an idiot.

"Who made it up to you what my dream is and what i would deam a beautiful love?"

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

"Who made it up to you what my dream is and what i would deam a beautiful love?"

Well he doesn't sound as angry as I expected. And he hasn't moved away. I am not worth the love of such a pure heart.

" No one could ever know. We would have to hide and deny any relationship we have. Not to mention how hard it would be in terms of spending time together. How often do you think we'd get time alone? Or what if people did find out? I dont want to be the reason your career is over, or why VIXX splits up. Think about the other members. Or the scandal being gay would cause. What sort life would that give you? Us? I love you, do you think i could bare seeing you hurt? I mean tonight was bad enough. If i never see you cry again it will be too soon."

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  - 

" I love you, do you think I could bare seeing you hurt?"

God I almost want to punch him. So THIS was supposed to save me pain? What If i dont mind having to keep it a secret so long as there is a secret to *keep*. Yes, it would be devistating to be involved in a scandal. And I thought about it hard. But I would rather have him by my side, loving me, while im involed in some awful scandal, than spending my whole career alone with no one to share it with.

" But my dream is to have someone I love to share this with. And who better than the person im closest to in the whole world, who just so happends to be going through it all right by my side. I would rather be found out loving you, than reach the end of my career alone having lost my only chance at something real. If the price for that is keeping it a secret i think I can bare that burden. Because I have never hurt more than when I thought I was about to lose you. Please dont leave me."

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  - 

"Please dont leave me."

He's right. Of course he's right. I feel the same. I just dont want to hurt him. But I already failed at that.

" Okay."

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

" Okay"

Okay? If it werent for the fact that he had pulled away and looked right into my eyes while smiling as he said that, I would be so pissed off right now at his stupid ing one word answer. But as it stands im sat here refelting his stupid smile back at his stupid face becase his stupid smile is so stuipidly beautiful that I cant help but be stupid and smile stupidly back.

"Does that mean you're accepting me?"

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

"Does that mean you're accpeting me?"

It takes me a second to even realise what he means. But then I remember that all of thise started because he blurted out that he loved me. My dorky idiot.

" As if I could ever do anything else."

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

" As if I could ever do anything else."

I know I look stupid right now for how much im smiling. And it feels weird considering how much crying I had been doing just before. But somehow right at this second none of that matters. All that matters is that he is mine and I can finally do what I've ben dieing to do for just the longest of times.

" Last chance too change your mind."

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

"Last chance to change your mind."

He whispers the words with his eyes closed as he finally leans in. I feel my eyes close as a submit myself to the most heavenly feeling of his lips on mine. Oh his lips are so impossibly soft and warm. They work in perfect time with mine in a way that seems much to practised. It feels almost as if his lips were made for mine as we kiss in a sweet steady rhythm. With our hot breath ghosting accross each others faces in prefrence to pulling apart long enough to breath. However when we finally do part for air I murmer in the space between us.

" You're perfect."

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

" You're perfect."

I cant help but smile at the words, even in my kiss hazed state. Kissing Wonshik was just the most perfect thing. It was like a dream come true. A perfect, y, warm and gentle dream that involved much more x rated things than just kissing. And so, just before we get lost to a night of making out I whisper.

" You stil have to make it up to me for making me cry you know"

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

" You still have to make it up to me for making me cry you know"

I just smirk at his words. I know they are true. And I dont think I'll ever stop trying to make up for tonight but thats okay, because;

" We've got our whole lives, I think I'll manage."

- A/N - Alrighties then! Well so this was just totally random.. And I'm sorry if it . The first paragraph was actually the start of this other RaBin fic I was writing, but it was god awful, but I liked that part, and so this was born. Im sorry its so angsty. But HAPPY ENDING WOO!

Thank you to any beautiful people who like my story. Again I havent edited this properly yet i've only read through it to get rid of the most awful mistakes. So be a little forgiving of spelling mistakes and terrible languge and typoes and it just being awful... <3