Doctors who were running, some were busy saving lifes, other were giving life, beep sound from the monitor, disgusitc scent, another people who died, one who's finally not sick anymore and can go back home. Children were playing like there will be no tomorrow for them. Some were praying, some lost hope. Anxiosity, stress, hapiness, sadness, hope were the emotions people were feeling here and the main words were wait, wait and wait again. The same thing were repeating in this cold white building called hospital. Yes it was how I lived. Every months, every weeks, every days, I was spending it at the hospital. How many time did I spend here ? Maybe like 3 or 4 years, I don't remember I just knew it was too long for me and I was maybe going to live all my life here. Being stuck here because of your body has a disease and surgery is the only treatment, but your body is not strong enough to support it, feels like living a nightmare. Well, it was worse, I was living hell. My name is Kim Jonghyun, and I'm dying more and more each day.

 

What did I have ? Everything that people would like to avoid : My illness was quite serious, I had a frontal brain tumor. What it was ? I had an abnormal and anarchy development of cellular divisions which developed in the front of the two thirds of the intellectual hemispheres, in other words the parts right and left of the brain. There were three categories for this tumor. Mine was a malignant brain tumor, which contain cancer cells. They are usually fast growing and invade surrounding tissue, even if it's treated they may recur within the brain even after treatment. In conclusion, I will maybe have to live with this all my life. 

My days were not really happy, because of it my physical condition was getting worse. I lost a lot of weight in a short time. My personality changed, I had difficulty of understanding and sumber, it was mental disorders due to my illness as the doctors said. Headache, vomiting, nausea, drowsiness, depression were now my daily routine. I had psychic modifications too like inattention, loss of motivation and also began to have epileptic crises. When my family came to see me I recognized them hardly and it hurt me even more.  All the pain which I felt every day, it was nothing compared with the fact of seeing my family who was also suffering. 

 

Everything was my fault. How could I not recognize my family and the persons who I lived nearly all my life with ? It was all because of my disease, because of this tumor. How much will I have to suffer in my life ? Can the fate stop persecuting me ? Why me ? What did I do in my life to deserve this ? 

 

"- Nothing is your fault Jong, you have to be strong, don't forget that we're all here for you." my mother kept repeating to me. 

 

Everytime I heard my mother saying this it made me cry.  My mother was my big strengh and she was always here to comfort me. It was like she could read my mind and telling me the right words I wanted to hear to make me feel better. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't her with me. I think I would have already give up.

 

"- So how are you doing today ?" One of my friends asked. 

 

I looked up to see who talked and saw Onew's hyung smile. He was always smiling in every situations and honestly his smiles were always comforting me.

 

"-I'm feeling like I was dying more and more each day but I'm doing well." I laughed dryly. Onew patted my shoulder and hugged me tightly. 

 

They knew how bad my health was but they were still coming to see me everyday. Everytime they were trying something to make me smile or laugh. These guys were very noisy but without them I would feel five times more alone. I was really thankful to have them as friends. These brats were staying all the evening with me and go back to their homes when visits were finish. 

 

Since they were gone, everything was quiet in my room, well it was what I thought. I started to have a headache and then it began. I rushed in the bathroom and started to vomit and spat some blood. It was a frequent symptom of the disease, I was used to this but I was really tired. I stayed at least five minutes like this before a nurse noticed me, she patted my back and helped me to go back in my bed. She went and came back with food and medicines.

 

Once I took my medicines, I felt like I was in another world, the medicines made me become sleepy and I was dreaming. Every day, this moment was my way to escape to reality. It was my euphoric moment. It made me forget everything around me : Just dreaming about this made me smile and forget my pain for a moment. I was dreaming of another life, where I could live all I want, eat what I want without ending up throwing it, doing what I want without being too tired in the end, seeing my friends other than here. All I've ever wanted... being able to live with my family, seeing my precious mother, telling her I love her the most, being with my sister, bothering her and being protective with her, seeing  my dog and playing with her, living as a normal guy, being able to see my friends everyday, screaming, fighting, crying and laughing together. 

Hanging out and come back at home very late, crying while hearing a sad song, writing songs, playing the guitar, running as there will be no tomorrow. Being myself, with no more changing of personality, no more mental disorders or psychic modifications, no more medicines. Having a healthy body and being far, far from this building, traveling the world, tasting the food of every country. Remembering every people I could have met. Singing for no reason, being able to live a perfect life. I knew that being in this state wasn't good for me but I had no choice and it was the only way for me to be who I was before. 

 

My name is Kim Jonghyun, and I'm dying more and more each day but I still believe that one day I will live the perfect life I've always dreamt.

 

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A/N : This story is actually for a contest I wanted to post it here too since I liked wirting it, so I hope you enjoyed~