I was about to lose him with all those shouting and exchange of reckless words. That one man that was able to change me—that one man who made me a better person. Guilt was evident; it felt as if my inners were slowly spinning around. I can feel it tearing me apart.

How despicable of a person can I be? I shouldn’t have watched him run away. I shouldn’t have just let him cry to himself. I shouldn’t have let him keep his sorrows and problems all to himself. I shouldn’t have left him in the first place.

I stormed out of the dance studio, it was a fine day’s work despite the fact that I couldn’t keep up with anything. My movements were lacking, I can no longer feel the spark I felt within me the first time I’ve performed for a crowd. It was all thanks to him. He helped me with mine—I should’ve helped him with his.

The skies darkened, the longer I walked the more it got chillier. It didn’t take long until it started to rain. It’s as if the skies were letting their sorrows out as well. I only had my coat to hug onto and a small umbrella as my shade.

With a few more turns along dark and deserted alleys, I arrived at my place. It was empty, as usual. The funny thing was it felt emptier. I longed for something I needed but did not deserve. The beige walls seemed plain—a little too plain. The color made my heart thump, I couldn’t really tell why but I was anxious. I couldn’t rest, not even once, I couldn’t focus on anything as well. My mind seems to be in a fizz.

There was a worried feeling rising in my chest.

My feet moved towards the window—the heavy downpour roared even more. It was an uncalming sight. ‘Is he alright? What if he’s out in the cold?’ I thought—I know Kyungsoo is reckless enough to head on straight unprepared for anything. I reached for my handphone, I was definitely going to ring him up.

One, two, three calls—He didn’t even pick up once. The worried feeling took over me. I needed to see him. That would put my mind at ease. I hurried off, taking my umbrella along. It took me one last glance at my empty home before setting off to Kyungsoo’s apartment.

The way towards his place was bothersome. The rain poured even more; mud was everywhere, the wind was strong I could barely hold onto the handle of my umbrella. It thundered a lot as well, the growling statement of the heavens frightened me. It’s as if the rain was trying to get in my way to not see him at all. It was telling me things I barely understand, nevertheless, I still went on.

Once I’ve reached his step, my knees went weak. I had a sudden thought in my head—what if he hates me? What if he doesn’t want to see me anymore? I hesitated, my fisted knuckles slowly loosened, eventually pressing my palm against the door; it opened. I took a peek inside—it was empty, I was surprised.

I stepped inside, closing the door behind me as well. Silence—nothing was heard except for the ticking sound the wall clock made. The muteness was unnatural. I thought I was losing my sense of hearing. The place had such an eerie atmosphere, I grew terrified as the ticking went on.

“Kyungsoo.” I called out but received no answer.

“Kyungsoo, are you here?” I yelled out, increasing the volumes of my calls. Perhaps he didn’t hear me, perhaps he was asleep.  I glanced around—it was a pretty home. Cozy and calm. I noticed all the photographs hanged on both walls by the hall as I went on curiously. It headed straight to a slightly open door, I went towards it… to the unknown.

I saw him, all crouched down beside his bed. Was he asleep? I don’t know. I crouched down, shaking his shoulder in attempt to wake him up. “Kyungsoo...” I whispered almost inaudibly as I smiled, I reached for his hair. I his locks carefully, I tried not waking him up this time, maybe he’s tired. I tried to lift him as well.

The next sight shocked me.

His shirt all drenched and almost dried up with his blood, his left wrist cut open, a cutter left on the pooling blood, his tear and blood-stained cheeks almost drying up. It was my time to cry now. I wasn’t there for him. I tried shaking him to consciousness, but to no avail. I hugged his head against my chest, it didn’t matter if I could breathe or not. He left. He left me. I didn’t want to let go.

“God, why…” I whimpered out, I couldn’t even see clearly anymore. My eyes welled up repeatedly once I had shed my tears, my vision was blurry but I tried to look at him; his eyes were fixed as if he was asleep, as if he wasn’t in distress, his porcelain skin stained with his blood, his sweat and his tears. I cradled him close to me, as close as possible.

My hand placed itself on his cheek, running my thumb under his eyes. I could feel his sorrow. I shouldn’t have left him all alone—all by himself. ‘That feeling is the worst.’ I can hear his voice, all those rants of him being left, being isolated; as if he isn’t alive. There wasn’t any sign of life seen on him. His face was pale, has he been crying all the while?

I felt so guilty, it agitated me, leaving him and making him face all his despairs alone. I knew he needed someone and yet I couldn’t be that someone for him.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” I chanted repeatedly, maybe it’ll bring him back to me? Even if it was impossible? Should I just feed lies to myself? My heart ached, I wasn’t ready for this.

The man I loved is now gone.

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