I dont get him.

Or at least I never used to. But back then I also think that maybe i didn't want to. It was more fun to assume. It was less fun to know. You dont worry if you dont know. Now I cant seem to help it. I couldn't stop worrying if I tried. I know I act dumb a lot of the time, but I really am a good guy. I may not be gentle like Ravi, or a good leader like N, or be as humble as Hongbin but I am still more than just VIXX's cute vocal Ken. Even if that does mean caring for "him" an awful lot more than I ever expected to.

I am thankful for it though. Getting to know my hyung and getting closer with him. I would not change it for the world. When he first spoke to me and I finally understood everything Hakyeon had told me really was true it's like something in my head just clicked. Taekwoon really was just that shy and I should be the one to watch over him.

 Taekwoon is a gentle soul who, once you get to know him really shows how delicate and kind his heart is. He just has a hard time showing that side of him. He finds it hard to show his emotions. Especially on camera. I mean, we all laugh and find it funny now. But thats only because we know our Taekwoon and are used to his quiet ways.

He gets frustrated sometimes though, with the way he just struggles to express himself. He is a man of few words in the first place, and it upsets him to think fans may misunderstand.

He is careful with his words. He does not like to waist them. Yes, he is that type of person. He always wishes to say what he can in the best possible way. And somehow, even though he doesnt have the vocabulary of Ravi or my volume, he always manages to get his meaning across, because we never miss what he says. And even now, his words still manage to have an effect on me.

Today we're all in the van filming MTV Diary while we're on the go. We're all tired but the camera seems to somehow instill some energy into us.  Taekwoon is tired and asked not to be bothered too much. He doesn't mind us filming so long as we dont film him. And we understand. Sometimes I wish he could show the side of him that we see to our fans. So they could understand this Chic Leo image they seem to have taken is wrong. Hyung isnt like that. Okay so maybe he is like that. But there is more to him.

Thinking about this makes me sad so I cuddle into him. Its safe right now cause the the camera isnt on in the van. Which also means I feel his arms pull me closer to him as he gives me a gentle hug. I love moments like these. I know its because he's tired and im probably comfier than the window. But I like the warmth and the gentle butterflies it causes. Not that I want to think about those too much. Thats a topic to be discussed very late at night while alone in never. Ever. But then just as I was getting comfortable with Taekwoon the van door is opened and the members come back with the camera and just as expected he retracts his arms and im left without his warmth. And i have to admit i miss it more than I maybe should. But thats just because i value him as a hyung right? Yeah. Just like N hyung.

 

-  -  -  -  -  -  - 

 

"Hyung" I poke Leo's side. I know I shouldn't have watched those scary movies... But Wonshik was teasing me and I felt i should prove him wrong. Or in this case right I guess. But regardless we have a lot to do tomo-today and i need some sleep so pride be dammed. "Taekwoon hyung" Oh he just looks so cute while asleep. I almost feel bad for waking him up. Almost. But then I hear some noise outside and I decide that being killed by Taekwoon is better than being killed by some monster so i decide to just lay down beside him and snuggle into his chest since he's on his side.

"Jaehwan-ah what are you doing here?" I hear his soft voice mumble sleepily.

"Ravi and I.... we uh... this film... and im scared...."

I feel him sigh heavily before two thin but strong arms come around me. One finds its way between the my neck and the bed which i then shuffle down onto, to rest my head on. The other wraps its self around my waist effectively trapping me in as i snuggle into his chest throwing one arm around him for good measure.

"Thank you Taekwoon hyung" I whisper, taking in the feeling of how safe I feel here. Its like as soon as i felt his familiar warmth my fears just melt away. "Really."

"Sleep Jaehwan-ah" he whispers into my hair. And for some reason I fall asleep thinking 'I could get used to this.

 

***A couple of months later***

 

"Wonshik-ah have you ever been in love?" Dont ask. I dont even know where this question came from. Its 3 am and I really just want to sleep but we're not home yet.

"Like between a man and a woman?"

" Yeah"

"Not yet. Not real love anyway." He looks at me pointedly before asking "why? Have you?"

"N-No" I stammer. "When would I have time for love?"

"Whereas I of course have a wealth of free time?"

"Thats not what I meant"

"Then why ask such a weird question while we're the only ones awake?"

"Because im bored and otherwise you'll fall asleep too and i'll be bored on my own!"

" You could have chosen a more normal subject"

"stop being such a drama queen. And if you're such a good conversationalist you come up with something to talk about."

But pretty soon after that Wonshik fell asleep anyway. Tch these people. No respect.

 

  - - - - - -

 

"Jaewhan-ah?"

" Yaeh Taekwoon hyung?"

" Have you really never been in love?"

" I- What?"

" Earlier with Wonshik you said you'd never been in love, I wondered iif that was true."

" I didn't know you were awake?"

" I didn't know you were a liar"

" I wasn't lying"

" So then you havent been in love?"

" Yes, I mean no. I mean, Its complicated and so no I havent and can I go sleep now?"

" Tch, what happened to the little kid who was scared of me? My Jaehwan has grown up a lot. And with no respect for his elders clearly.

"Sorry hyung, im just tired"

" Jaehwan-ah?"

" yeah hyung?"

" I'm scared can i sleep in your bed tonight?"

" you? Scared? Of what?"

" Im just scared" ... "please"

" whatever you need Taekwoon hyung" ... " but will you tell me why you're scared? Ever?"

"Maybe but for now can we just sleep?"

 

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  

  I wrap my arms tightly around him. His face isnt giving anything away, but i cant help but worry. I have never seen hyung admit to being scared, even less ask for help before. I feel him snuggle closer, his breath ghosting over my skin as he entwines his legs with mine. Yes for once I am the one holding him. I dont understand why and to be honest even though i'm wide awake i daren't think about it. Something about being here like this, 'protecting' Taekwoon, it just all feels too right. Like its something I have always done, and have no idea how I lived without. But thats got to be wrong. I mean, he's just my hyung right? I'm just doing what any of us would do for each other. Right?

 

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

  Leo has started talking a little more in interviews. Of course people still say its not enough. But we're proud of him. He also doesn't try to kill me for pestering him on camera now. Now he only threatens it. Or kicks me. But I get that from Hakyeon anyway. Our leader is so violent. Yet we love him and his strange obsession with naming inanimate objects.
"Jaehwan-ah" His soft voice startles me.

" oh hyung you scared me" I smile up at him. He looks like he almost going to smile back. Oh god I love his smile.

"Jaehwan come with me to get food"

" Dont you usually go alone?" I'm not asking to be rude. He just does normally go alone, which is why im confused as to why he's asking me along.

" The bags are heavy"

"Then why are you only now asking me to come?"

"Just do what your hyung says" I hear a shout from the living room.

" Ya N hyung why dont you help since you're the leader?"

N's face flares up at that and I make a run for it knowing he's coming over to hit me.  But before i make it very far a hand grips my wrist.

" I asked you Jaewhan, hurry before it gets too late"

I dont even have time to respond i just feel myself being dragged out of the door with N yelling how no one ever pays attention to him and we're all so disrespectful to him. Im sure he'll calm down once we bring home food.

" You can let go of me now, i wont run away again" I joke as i swing my arm around, which in turn makes his arm swing around, making both our body's twist in stupid ways. I can tell hes not exactly pleased but he looks so funny i cant help but laugh. If he wasnt so damn tall he'd look like a cute little kid.

"Hyuuuuunnng" I say in a whiny voice "buy me something delicious" I know I must be bugging him. I keep pocking him and pulling on his arm but he just keeps walking. Theres almost, ALMOST the hint of a smile. And then yes;

"Hyung? Are you smiling right now?" To emphasis my point I use my free hand (the other still being held onto at the wrist) to poke at the corner of his mouth.

"Don't be delusional Jaehwan. Now hurry. Im hungry"

Okay maybe i'll lay off for a while. Im hungry too. And  i really do want him to buy me something delicious. To share of course.

 

I dont even know how it happened. But suddenly Taekwoon's hand slipped down from my wrist and gently, but quite assertively linked hands with mine. His grip was loose but he was definitely maintaining a light pressure. And my head all but melted as my heart began beating faster and the only thought in my mind was how sweaty my hand was becoming.

It honestly took all my concentration to keep walking. He hadnt even looked at me but I could see some sort of battle going on in his eyes. And for some insane reason my body acted before I knew what I was doing and I squeezed his hand in mine and held on just that little bit tighter. And maybe i was just imagining it, but i swear his face softened a bit at that.

He didn't let go of my hand again until we reached the door of the dorm. Even while walking around the mart to get food he only let go for a second to put his wallet away after he had paid, but to my surprise he then reached out for my hand again and started walking home.
We hadn't talked the whole time. Him, because well he's him. He doesnt really talk much anyway. And me because I was scared I might shatter this moment, or wake up. Because as much as i hate to admit it. Those few seconds when his hand wasnt in mine I had felt suddenly alone and my hand felt out of place without its companion. It was getting harder to ignore.

But here we are at out front door and we both know we cant go in holding hands. It'll just look too weird.
I hear his customary sigh and his hand tightens around mine as his thumb traces random patters on the back of my hand.
I sway our arms like I had earlier and I see him finally smile.

" Lets go eat Jaehwan-ah." He takes his hand from mine and ruffles my hair before his smile disappears and he walks off into our dorm. I trail in after him. My heart a flutter. And my mind racing.

 

-  - - - - - - - - -

  It's a few days after the hand holding incident as i've taking to calling it and we're sat in an interview.
I'm not paying too much attention too whats being said. I know Hakyeon is talking about something and after this me and Leo have to  sing. But for the moment im just staring at Taekwoon. He's not doing anything special at all. He's just sitting and quietly listening to everything everyone is saying. Well and occasionally a look of disapproval graces his features as someone mentions him or he's asked to talk. But to me he seems perfect. And its right there that I realize I cant deny it anymore. I dont even remember denying it.Or when I started. Or what the final straw was. But suddenly its painfully and horribly and irrevocably clear that I'm falling for Taekwoon with not a single hope of getting out. Even the way he sips water seems elegant. And when he sends a quick glance my way I swear my heart stops.

He can never find out.

  -  - - - - -  

I really shouldn't be awake. And i most definitely should not be stood where I am. But this is the last time. After tonight I'll stop. But i just need this one last thing to give me enough stength.'cause truth be told im awful scared.

"Taekwoon..." I poke him in his side.

"Mrrrmf" he groans as he turns to look up at me. "What?"

"C-can I...." before i can finish he seems to know what im going to ask and he lifts up his blanket to let me slip in next to him.

"Scared Jaehwan-ah? Again?" He sounds almost amused. But his sleepiness over rules it.

" Yeah... sorry Taekwoon..."

"Now im scared too"

"What about?"

" You've never apologised before"

" Oh, sorry hyung"

He doesnt reply. And im pretty sure he's fallen asleep. Well that is until i feel a hand on mine and fingers lace together. I grip back almost without thinking. And i wish my traitor heart would stop beating because im sure he must be able to hear it or feel it or something.
"Sleep" he breaths into my hair. I can feel both his breath and lips on my scalp. He isnt doing a good job of making this easier. In fact i almost feel like crying from how hard this is. But it is of course for the best. I need to let go of these feelings and being so close to their cause wont help. And i'll still see him and talk to him. I just cant afford for things like this to be happening anymore.

But enough thought on depressing things. I'm here right now. And i should make the most of the perfection in front of me. With his arms around me and his face in my hair as our legs curl together chest to chest, my head in the hollow between his chest and shoulder I feel safe here. I feel warm. Its like all the worries fall away here. Like so long as I can be here its all worth it. And of course it is all worth it. All the hard work all the hours spent getting everything perfect all just is so worth it to go out and meet our fans and be on that stage with my five best friends in the world. And i know they all feel it too. But sometimes, while getting ready for a comeback, and we havent seen the fans or had anything new to show for all the work that never seems to end i forget but being right here reminds me how lucky i am in those careless moments.

So as i fall asleep i try to remember each feeling clearly to look back on in times of trouble. Thank you Taekwoon. Saranghae.

 

- - - - - - -

 

Slowly, slowly I feel myself losing my attachment. But as the attachment fades an ache has taken its places in my chest. At first it was just a tightness now its a heaving ache i feel with every breath.

But i have kept my word. I have not shut Leo (im calling him that more now) out of my life. He does not deserve that. And I wouldnt want him to misunderstand. I just, am more careful with him and try to avoid being on my own with him. And it has been going well.

However, Wonshik wants too watch a horror movie tonight. And Hakyeon has agreed. And of course Hongbin and hyuk not wanting to be left out (or miss out on snacks) said they'd join too. So here we all are at close to 2 am half way through the most terrifying film I have ever seen. I am clinging onto Wonshik for dear life as punishment for making me watch this abomination. Who would even think of this awful stuff.
The only problem being that no one else was really that bothered by it. Which i totally dont get because it is just horrible. Do they not have souls or something?

But now the film is over and they're all going to sleep but i dont even think i can move.

"Jaehwan are you coming?"

"Not for a second I think I might get a drink or something." I try to look as calm as possible while talking to Hakyeon but I am totally freaking out and I dont think I will sleep at all tonight. I might just stay here.

" Okay, but remember we have a busy schedule tomorrow so come sleep soon okay?"

I nod in agreement and that seems enough to appease the sleepy leader so he goes to join the others in the room already in the room. Leo has probably been asleep for a while already... if he could sleep though all my screams. I tried to stay quiet but Hyuk that damn maknae wasn't making that very easy.

Oh well. since i have resigned myself to a night awake on the sofa i may as well get comfy. I shuffle around so that my legs are under me  and i hug a pillow to my chest while resting my chin on the top of it. At least its well lit here and its a good vantage point so nothing will be able to creep up on me.

 

  -  - - - - - - -

 

I have no idea how I was sat before i hear a noise coming from the bigger bedroom. And just as i was about to lose it a figure opens the door and emerges into the light. However when i see who it is i sigh a huge breath of relief.

" Aish Leo you scared me"

"Why arent you in bed?" He asks totally ignoring my previous statement.

" I'm not tired" I lie. Its a bad lie, and we both know it.

" Its rude to lie to your elders" he is now standing in front of me. From this vantage point he is really towering over me.

" I cant sleep." I mumble. But then a more important question comes to mind. "Why arent you sleeping?"

" I woke up and noticed you still hadnt come in to sleep." He sits down on the other end of the sofa, " why cant you sleep."

" I- I dont know.." yes its another lie, but come on what am i supposed to say. I feel dumb enough as it is.

"So it has nothing to do with the horror film you watched earlier?"

Well ...

I guess he took my silence as a yes because he then says, "why didn't you wake me up?"

" I didn't want to bother you" Oh come on its kind of the truth.

I dare not look at him  i can feel my resolve weakening and the fact i can feel the sofa dip as he moves closer isn't helping.

"Why would that bother me?" Well thats an unexpected response.

"Jaehwan-ah" His gentle hands push my chin towards him to get me to look at him. And when i do finally *look* at him. He looks worried. And not worried like when Hyuk first joined and was slow to pick everything up. And not worried like when he gets sick and he cant sing. This worry is a totally new look in his eyes, and it seems way too intimate  and very much mine. And i just cant  help it. I curl into his side. My fingers gripping onto his shirt and the back of his neck, my face cowering in the crook of his neck, breathing in his oh so familiar smell. It feels like home.

We sit like that for a while. At some point hes started brushing his fingers through my hair. Its so relaxing i start to fall asleep.
" Jaehwan-ah? ... Im scared"

My sleepy brain almost doesnt hear the quiet confession.

" of what?"

"That my Jaehwan is growing up and wont need me any more"

" Taekwoon?"

"Shh Jaehwan im tired leets go sleep okay?"

"But hyung... Im scared too..."

"The film doesnt count"

"No, i mean im scared of needing you too much, that you'll grow tired of me"

I feel his fingers stop brushing for a second before they continue.

" It's still different"

"How do you kno-

"Shh Jaehwan-ah lets sleep"

" okay"

He pulls me up with him as he stands he then drags me into the room and to his bed. Tugging me down and holding me tightly in his embrace. Not that im complaining.

" just wake me up next time okay? This took much too long"

" sorry"

"Goodnight Jaehwan"

"Night Taekwoon" i love you, i finish in my head. Though im not sure when falling in love turned into full blown love. But right now im just too comfy and sleepy to care.

In fact im so tired i dont even think much of the light kiss pressed to my forehead or the light fingers that have started playing with the ends of my hair.

I do however fall asleep with a huge smile on my face. because this is where i feel at home.

 

- - - - - -

 

The next morning when i woke up Taekwoon was already awake. He hadn't gotten up yet though. he was just laying there playing with my hair, smiling. I wont even try to lie. The sight gave me the fuzziest feeling. My stomach was doing these little flip things and my heart started beating really fast. It was like a dream or something, only I was way too sweaty and the the city was way too loud so I knew this had to be real. Then I suddenly remembered something I was much to sleepy to think about last night. He kissed me last night. Okay so it was only on the forehead, but I mean, a kiss is a kiss. Why did he do that? 

"Morning Jaehwan" Oh god, aren't they just the most perfect words to wake up to?

"You kissed me" Oh wow. Good job brain. What happened to not just blabbering the first thing that popped into your head? Isnt there a filter for that sort of thing? My only consolation is the tiny blush that graces Taekwoon's cheek's before he hides his face.

" We're going to be late."

"You're not getting out of this." I give him as stern a look as i can muster. "We will talk later."

I don't get a response before he gets up and dashes towards the bathroom. he should know by now that i dont give up that easy.

 

- - - - - -

 

It's been  days since the night of the horror movie and ever since that morning Leo has been avoiding me like the plague. And he is doing a mighty fine job of it I must say. Not that it has put me off at all, in fact it has only made me more curious. And today is the perfect opportunity to bug him about it since we have a day off and I know for a fact he is staying home due to him not being totally well. Thus meaning that we will be the only ones home since everyone else of course has plans.

Only problem being I cant find him. I have looked everywhere in the dorm but there is no sign of him. The only place I haven't looked are the wardrobes. But he wouldn't hide in there right?

Wrong. I slowly open the door and there sat scrunched up with his headphones in is an asleep Jung Taekwoon. I cant help but laugh. All this just to avoid little old me? I crouch down and take out his headphones.

"Hyung?"

" I'm sleeping"

"But I want to talk" I pout trying to look cute even though he hasn't even got his eyes open.

"Later"

"But I will be forced to use extreme measures if you dont comply willingly" His eyes stay closed and he shows no signs of replying. Thats it. Though I have no idea what my 'extreme measures' will be, im sure it'll be evil. And then I get an idea. It may not work, and he may kill me, but it's all i've got. So why the hell not?

I shuffle closer to his side and cup his cheek with one hand while the other hooks itself around his arm.

"Hyuuung" I whine as I tug on his arm. "Why did you kiss me?" I lower my voice when I ask him, but I dont lose the whiny tone in my voice. My thumb is brushing his cheek gently and i can feel the heat that has flooded to them. And slowly i see his eyes start to open. Though he doesn't look at me. He doesnt  so much like like he's at war with himself, its more like the war had already been fought and he was resigning himself to the winning outcome. I moved my arms so i was now gently hugging him.

"Taekwoon?"

"What do you want Jaehwan? You obviously know or you wouldn't be putting me through this so could you please just stop? you've had your fun now right?" His cold tone makes me sit up and stop holding him. Know what?

" I don't get it? What do I know? I wasn't trying to be mean, you should know me better than that"

" Oh come on you're not that dumb, why do you think I'd kiss you? While I thought you were asleep, just, by the way."

" But i dont get it? theres literally no way you could like me too. So please just tell me what I'm not getting here." I really need him to stop, because my heart cant take this. My hopes are getting raised way to high. But I know I must be getting this wrong. He cant, just cant like me back.

" I keep trying to tell yo- wait, like you too? what?" See? I knew I was just misunderstanding.

" I like you. A lot. Have done for a while. though in the beginning it was just like a little crush, but now i seem to be falling more every day and I really am trying to ignore it. So please dont feel burdened or pressured because I wont ever act on it and I'll even leave you alone if that would make you feel less weird. Honestly."

"Please dont try to ignore it Jaehwan" For the first time in the whole conversation we finally make eye contact. His expression is soft. In fact he looks, happy..

"Do you remember the night I told you I was scared?" I nod, I dont think I have it in me to talk anymore. " And you asked if I'd ever tell you why?" I just nod again. "Well, you see.. I was scared. Am scared, that one day you'll fall in love with some girl and I wont be able to pretend you're mine anymore, because you will be in someone else's heart and they'll be in yours and i'll have to give you up." Suddenly he's crawling out of the wardrobe to sit in front of a stunned me. "So Jaehwan-ah to answer your question I kissed you because I like you, a lot." He then smirks at me. "not that I count a forehead kiss as a real kiss."

And somehow just like that Ken is back and I yank him forward, which ends with him sort of on top of me and I look into  eyes and whisper "Care to show me what you would consider a real kiss?"

As  soon as his lips touch mine its like everything just clicks. The world fades out and the only thing in the world I'm aware of are his lips on mine and the feel of his fingers in my hair. Would you believe the quiet Jung Taekwoon is an amazing kisser? My body is on fire and although there are no fireworks i feel sparks in even part of my body he touches. And I know that as long as I have these lips and these arms I'll always have a place to call home.

 

 

** AN ** Ha, so like I said in the forword this is my first time posting anything, anywhere, and I haven't even propperly edited it yet. I might do it later or tomorrow at the latest. but yeah this is really just some dumb idea that came into my head the other day and I decided to write it out since there isn't much VIXX FF... Please dont hate me if its awful, but feel free to let me know...