My heart pounded inside my chest, as if it were to jump out at any moment. Two hundred, one hundred and ninety nine, one hundred and ninety eight... I counted, trying to distract myself from what's facing before me, but I knew it was only a matter of seconds before I reach zero. Infinity. The end.

The rain slapped furiously on the glass doors as the train jolted over a jagged track. My mental counter slowly ticked down, as I snapped to my senses. Night was approaching, and there was not much time left.

"What are you thinking about?" Baekhyun asked, curiosity sparking in his eyes over a queer few minutes of complete silence, "You're not usually this quiet."

His eyes stared deep into mine, as I held the gaze for a few more seconds. Another few seconds had been wasted.

I shifted my gaze uncomfortably and resorted to staring into the collar of the denim jacket he was wearing. Damn, I'm going to miss that.

The train pulled to a sudden stop, pulling me into the direction of a side pole. With the usual mutter of "crap" under my breath, I grabbed onto the hem of Baekhyun's shirt.

"Be careful!" he said, in between the tones of a scolding oppa and a caring friend. After all this time, we both never said anything. I never found out how he felt, and he would never find out mine. It was just how everything worked, as best friends.

--WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE BUT THE TRAIN HAS STOPPED DUE TO THE CASE OF BAD WEATHER. WE ASSURE THAT THE TRAIN WILL START RUNNING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.--

The words flashed brightly on the train screen monitor as tired late night workers and eager couples moaned in disbelief. In the background, a child started to cry. I groaned, as I lost my count but felt slightly hopeful at the thought of having more time to spend on this train.

"Well?" Baekhyun caught my attention by tapping my hand that was still holding tightly onto the hem of his sleeve, "Tell me what's wrong, we have all the time now."

I pulled my hand away abruptly and stared reluctantly back into his eyes. They were eyes telling me that he was anticipating a response.

I had stopped counting the seconds, and had started to count my heartbeats. Originally, the seconds that counted down to the arrival of my last stop became the number of heartbeats till my last.

I smiled slightly, trying to reassure him that I was okay, but his worried look did not leave his face. "I know you are pretending."

I sighed and looked out the window. The rain that was pouring endlessly seemed merciless and unforgiving. It’s time to let go of this world.

He pulled his hand out in front of me, signalling for me to hold it as a source of comfort. That was what he always did when I needed comfort.

I slowly lifted my hand and held onto his, feeling his slight flinch at the coldness of my hands. His hands were warm as always, and he placed our hands into his pocket, which was warmer yet.

"You can say it now."

After two years of being unable to say it, I came back so I could face it. I came back to confront what I’ve been running away from all my life, but was still unable to face during my last moments.

I breathed heavily and swallowing all my fears, I opened my mouth to speak. I dared not look at him in the eye.

"Baekhyun ah..." I swallowed nervously at the calling of his name, "remember those times when we were 8, and we played jump rope together?"

He let out what seemed like a sigh of relief, maybe because he thought that I was going to cry in front of him and make a fit. He smiled his cheesy smile and cheekily ruffled my hair.

"Yah, of course I remember! You stole the rope once and the teacher scolded you for it and you had to mop the floor because of that, but then I-"

"You were running and didn't look and stepped into the bucket of detergent!"

We both laughed recalling the memory, and I thought of all these times when he'd get embarrassed from me retelling this story. Times have changed, and we've both grown older, and memories became the precious facets of our previous lives.

Baekhyun shook his head in disbelief, "I still remember when I had to go home and no one wanted to stand near me because I smelt like a lemon."

"And that was the first time we met, and became friends," I said, as Baekhyun nodded his head happily, "but please hear me out... to the end."

He understood and listened to me intently, like he always would when I needed someone to talk to.

"The first time we caught the bus together, I nearly fell on top of a man. You would laugh at me but you were always the one who pulled me back up when I needed someone to. And, the first time that I cried, on those swings down by those rose bushes in the park, I felt like my heart was going to be ripped out. When my only aunt passed away-" I paused, holding back my steadily forming tears, "when my only aunt passed away, I felt like I fell into a huge hole that I couldn't climb back out of. But again, you pulled me up, telling me that it was all okay, and feeling apologetic because you didn't know what to do. It was all okay in the end, and you made me a stronger person."

I sniffed as a gust of wind blew through the cracks of the train doors and Baekhyun held me closer.

"I remember when we used to meet up and have this whole deep conversation with each other, because you always understood how I felt. But what I remember even more clearly were those times when we messed around, calling up a group of friends to go to the haunted house, and then leaving them in there as a joke-" Baekhyun snickered, "I also remember how someone forgot to pull me out in time before the haunted tour began, and ran through the securities to pull me back out.

In the end, when you couldn't find me and were dragged out by the security, you walked around the entrance for so long looking so worried, but I just exited from the emergency exit door myself after realising that the tour had started. I felt so embarrassed during that time to have a friend like you who would make a scene and get pulled out by security, but you knew that I was scared of ghosts, and you came looking for me even though you were scared too. And for that, I want to thank you, because I've never had the chance to before."

Baekhyun shifted uncomfortably, eyeing me with concern. Frustrated that he couldn't see through me like always, he whispered "it's okay" into my ear. I played with his fluffy hair for a few seconds before continuing.

"And then came graduation, and neither of us knew that we would ever come so far. Everything just came so fast, and although we talked day and night of how excited we’d be for becoming adults and being able to play around all we want, we knew that we would never be together every day again. Those morning routines when you’d come to my home and greet my mother, steal my bread and then I’d chase you down to the school gate, and then you’d kick all the vending machines to check for any coins – I still remember them all. You’d even buy me a cola if you were lucky enough to find coins in the machines, but most of the time, the owners would run out and chase us down with brooms, so we’d have to start running all over again. Those times were unbeatable… really, they were the best. But we never cherished those moments enough.”

I stared deep into Baekhyun’s eyes, which reflected forgotten memories and missed moments. These memories were all flooding back to him, in the form of little teardrops that began to well up in his eyes.

“And there we were, not realising how important we were to each other… ever since I began university, and you began pursuing your music career, we’ve barely been able to meet up, and share those fun times that we’ve missed so much. All I remember was that one cold… dark, dark night when your letter came, saying that your grandparents had passed away. I still remember how well grandma and grandpa treated me… when I was young, they’d always give me milk lollies to cheer me up. When I finally rushed to your place on that night, I found that you weren’t even crying. Your dry tears… those tears that you held back so badly, I wanted to wipe them all away but you locked them away in your heart, hidden with your smile. At that point I burst out in tears, and you hugged me, telling me everything was okay and gave me the last milk lolly they had left for you in their lolly jar. It was your grandma and your grandpa… but instead, I was the one who needed to be comforted. I felt so useless and so ashamed…”

My voice began to waver as a tear fell unknowingly down the left side of my face. Baekhyun looked at me with his huge, watery eyes and wiped my tears away. Still, he did not allow himself to break down in front of me, hiding his tears in that little box locked inside his heart.

“To me, Baekhyun ah… you are the most special friend I’ve ever had. All the locks in my heart were opened by you. When I was bullied at school, you stood up for me. During the darkest times of my life, you were there for me. Even during the darkest times of your life, you were there for me, knowing that I’d break down at anything that happened to you.”

The train began to creak again, slowly beginning its motion at the calming of the rain.

“So sometimes I wonder…” he gulped nervously at the words that I spoke softly, “why couldn’t we ever tell each other how we felt before it was all too late?”

Finally, as Baekhyun looked down at my fragile hands, a tear slid down his face. It was my turn to wipe him of his sadness, despair and loneliness.

“…I know, Baek ah, I was never good enough for you. You – “

“No, don’t say that. You were too good.”

“You… Baekhyun ah, you just always did too much for me.”

By this time, all the tears had been spilt, and we both stared at each other with soft eyes, only filled with raw emotion, guilt, hurt and regret.

“Remember that train trip we had, from Busan to Seoul, exactly two years ago? On this day two years ago, I disappeared from your life, before I could even confess anything to you. In fact… I had actually planned to confess to you that night.”

Baekhyun’s tears continued to flow, but his expression was one of shock as he felt a sudden pang of regret.

“But…instead, life decided to cheat both of us. For waiting too long. Our crime was for hiding our feelings from each other for too long, and the skies took me away for that reason. And even though I know I’ll never get to know how you feel, I don’t regret this. Two years after that day, now I have finally said what I wanted to say. It was worth the wait.”

Baekhyun touched my face softly, not wanting to let go of this figure that he had missed so much these past two years.

“I watched from above when you attended my funeral. My mum and my dad broke down completely, and you had promised me to take care of them since I was young, right? Thank you for keeping that promise. Even though I hurt so bad, seeing you take all that pain in, suffering inside alone, thank you for taking care of my parents till the last moment. I wished that there was someone here up in heaven that would comfort me like you did while I was still alive. You were the one thing I could never have lived without, and yet they took me away from you…”

“I know… I know it all, so just stay with me here, don’t go again!” Baekhyun choked on his words as his tears began to pour uncontrollably again, “I took care of your parents, I did everything for you so why are you doing this to me??”

Tears streamed down my face as I watched his weak and sorrowful figure. “Baek ah… if you want me to be happy then be strong. Be the Baekhyun that you were when I was still here with you. Didn’t you always tell me that the most important thing in life is to be confident, be brave and to have hope? Be brave Baekhyun, because I know that you will still be able to do well without me. Be the confident and proud person that you always were, and without me… you can do even better. I believe in you.”

Ten, nine, eight… the train pulled slowly to a stop as I quickly broke the stare to look outside for a renewed report on weather. It was snowing, the flakes so delicate as they floated down, like the tears that carried our emotions and feelings; of ones that had melted before we learned to express them. I reluctantly pulled my hand out of his clasp, but he held on tightly, not letting go of this piece of memory standing right in front of him, as if he didn’t want to let go. I glanced back up at his face; his features that were once so striking were twisted with hurt and disbelief.

“Don’t go.”

A faint beeping sound signalled the opening of the train door, as a gust of crisp, winter air engulfed the groaning carriage passengers. Five, four… I readied myself to step out of the doors and into the white scenery. Baekhyun struggled for one last touch of my hand; that warm hand that he loved so dearly, always perfectly perfumed and creamed. Three, two, one.

“Remember me Baekhyun. Remember the times when we used to play hide and you’d go searching for me for hours because I hid so well? Remember, that even when I’m gone, I’ll still be right here, next to you.”