I took hold of his hand and choked back all my tears. I didn’t want to see this. But I had to stay with him. He needed me. As he struggled through breathing the tears started to fall from my eyes. He tried to speak. I hushed him and held his hand to my cheek.

“Don’t please. I know already.”

“But I-I want to say it.”

I shook my head once and let my hair cover my eyes, “No Suho-”

“Lay, I love you.”

I could feel my heart breaking. His touch grew colder and colder. I didn’t want him to die. I wanted him to live on. He was strong enough to live without me. But his body was too weak to hold on. It was eating away at him. I closed my eyes to stop watching. I didn’t want to watch his bright and beautiful spirit leave.

“I love you too, so much.” I whispered.

The last of Suho’s breath left his pale lips.

Blubbers of cries escaped my lips as I held onto Suho’s hand tighter. He was gone. After hours I walked out of the hospital only with a box of his things. At home in our small apartment I cried. That’s all I could do. I held onto his jacket and cried into it. The salty tears started to wash away his scent. The floor was cold and the only thing that didn’t move when my eyes opened.

Days and weeks passed like this. Only leaving the apartment to buy bottles of liquor I could crawl into. On one of the clear days when the sun was in my eyes I rolled off the bed and staggered to the bathroom to throw up. I hadn’t had any solid food in weeks. I caught sight of my reflection and I looked dead. I felt dead. My heart stopped beating long before now.

It stopped when Suho first coughed up blood. It stopped again when we heard what the doctor told us it was. It stopped when I yelled at him for getting sick. But he just sat on the bed with his hands folded as he gazed down at the wood floor taking in all my words before he stood up, wrapped his arms around my body before I dropped my head on his shoulder to cry. He held my shaking body and just took it all.

He was strong. But that, that thing was stronger. It took him away from me. I had nothing now. I hadn’t gotten rid of any of Suho’s things. On the other side of the mirror was my last meal. I opened the cabinet and reached with shaking hands to the medicines that had Suho’s name on them. I twisted off each cap and spilled them into my hand before tossing them all back. I choked down the pills and chased them with water. I coughed at the pain of them digging into my throat but I swallowed.

My eyelids felt heavy. I wasn’t breathing as deep as before. Was I falling asleep? Maybe I didn’t take enough. I tried to sit myself up from the bathroom floor but I never remembered falling down.

“Lay?”

I turned my head to the bathroom door and saw Suho standing there. “Suho!”

“What the are you doing?!” He said rushing down to me.

“I can’t be alone anymore. I just want to be with you.”

He held me in his arms, my head resting on his knees. “What are you talking about? I’ll always be with you! But you just have to keep on living!”

“But how?! You’re not here!”

His eyes were filled with tears. He didn’t look sick. And I could feel his touch again. “You idiot.”

Our friends Chanyeol and Baekhyun walked in and found me on the bathroom floor. I don’t remember being loaded into the ambulance or being taken to the hospital. I just remember feeling Suho hold my hand as I was moved around. After slipping into a coma for a few days all I saw was Suho. His gentle smile and his warm touch.

I heard birds for the first time in weeks. Their chirps were almost as beautiful as Suho’s voice when he sang. I tried sitting up but my body was too weak. I was in a state hospital for a month. But in that month I realized that when Suho came to me as I was dying on the bathroom floor he was really there with me the whole time. He never left. He was just waiting until I did something stupid to tell me. He was always like that. Because he enjoyed watching me carry on like nothing was wrong.

I was walking around the gardens. The rain had stopped and everything was so bright and clear that I had to take it in. All this wonder and beauty. The air was crisp and cool but Suho’s jacket kept me warm. I stopped and closed my eyes before tilting my head up to the sun. The warmth brought the color back into my face.

In that moment I could feel Suho’s pinky wrap around my own. He was here with me. He walked alongside me as I continued to look around the flowers and trees in the garden. He stayed with me. And on my darkest days I could feel him just hold me. Sometimes I could even hear his voice. Whispering to me just as I’d fall asleep. The weight of his head pressed to my chest. Listening to my heart. The soft hum of him sighing. He will always be there for me.

I never let him go but I moved on. I grew old by myself and when I saw him again. He took my hand and we walked together in a garden.

“Lay?” He asked, his voice still the same soft tone.

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

I smiled, “I love you too.”

~Fin~