“Please don’t go.” He had begged, pulling on Chanyeol’s jumper sleeve like a little girl.

“Don’t do this. It’s not fair, you know I have to.”

“No you don’t!” He said powerfully, his eyes welling with tears that he didn’t want to show, but that were all too visible.

Chanyeol sighed deeply, running one hand through his hair, “This hurts me, you know it does. Don’t make me feel even worse.” He used a tone that was cracking slightly, full of pain and distain and other elements that Baekhyun couldn’t identify. Being unable to reply, he let go of the other’s arm, sitting down silently on the chair behind him. Chanyeol was right – of course he was – but that didn’t stop Baekhyun from wanting to be selfish and keep him all to himself. Because in his ideal world, no one had to move away, because no one’s family fell ill, because there was no illness, so Chanyeol wouldn’t have to move to the other side of the world and they could have continued living their unassuming quiet existence in their unassuming quiet town with each other, and that would be that.

This, however, was not his ideal world.

Thinking it’d be more painful to help him pack, Baekhyun just watched, which turns out was just as painful. He watched as Chanyeol gathered up his clothes and slung them into his bag – Most of which had been bought as a gift from Baekhyun. He watched as the other slung a framed picture of the two of them. He remembered the moment it was taken. Neither of them were looking at the camera, but Chanyeol was looking just above the shot, and Baekhyun was looking at him. In that moment, he had never seen the other look so perfect. He was staring in complete captivation of not only the other sounded, but how his voice made something in him melt, how stupid things that he said kept him up at night grinning, how beautiful everything about that stupid, stupid guy was. He was beautiful in what he was, who he had become; and what he had done which changed who Baekhyun was- for good.

He watched as Chanyeol threw a CD in his suitcase haphazardly, knowing exactly which one it must be; for Chanyeol only owned one CD. It was Red by Taylor Swift. What kind of self-respecting man would own a Taylor Swift album? ing Park Chanyeol, that’s who.  He recalls the time he came home early from a practice one day, walking in on Chanyeol dancing around in his boxers to “Starlight”. He wanted to laugh in that moment, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t laugh because that was a moment where Chanyeol was himself, completely and fully. It was a side he wasn’t going to show to anyone really, and Baek felt blessed enough just to be able to see it with his own eyes by chance. Of course, on realising that the other had been staring for a good two minutes at his “private activities,” Chanyeol flushed bright red, stopping in his tracks.

Baekhyun simply raised his eyebrows, grinning the slight grin that Chanyeol had grown to love over the few months they had been together, “Oh, don’t stop because of me, keep going.” Chanyeol grinned, running over and grabbing the other by this wrists and forcing him to dance with him. Baekhyun noticed how bad a dancer Chanyeol was, he was all gangly and his limbs were too long for what he was trying to do and he kinda looked like Bambi on ice, but it was adorable, in his eyes. Not to mention Chanyeol’s English wasn’t particularly great, and he had no idea what he was singing, but his eyes were closed as he sung loudly and passionately. He wanted that cringey, embarrassing, guilty moment to last forever, because he wanted to know Chanyeol for everything he was. Chanyeol was pretty much an open book that anyone could see what he was like, but he always had a new chapter hidden at the back, one that no one saw. It never failed to amaze him. The lyrics to that song continued to echo in his head every day since then, and even though he had at first thought it was a terrible song, and although he would not like to admit it, it was now his favourite.

Don’t you see the starlight? Don’t you dream impossible things?

­­Baekhyun was so deep in thought at this point that he hadn’t even realised that Chanyeol had finished packing and was sitting next to him, holding his hand delicately. They both knew it was time to say goodbye, but neither could say it. It seemed unnecessary, and would only make it worse. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at the other’s face, just looked at the floor sourly, trying to distract himself from how heavy he felt.

~~~~~~~~

“He’s talking to himself again.”

“You serious? I thought we were done with that.”

"Well obviously not if he's still doing it." 

"I haven't heard from you at all. I worry about you. A lot. Is your family alright? I hope they are. But then again, I can't help but resent them for taking you away from me. Dumb, right? How can I hate anything that you love.. How could I hate anything about you? I'm not sure how, but it's becoming more frequently recently."

"Baekhyun, are you alright? Stop talking like that." Luhan stated, looking at Sehun worriedly as he spoke. He looked at Baekhyun's small frame, one that had become much smaller recently. It looked even more so when he was sat with his knees tucked in next to his chest in the farthest corner of the practice room.

"Remember when you told me you loved icecream? That it reminded you of home or whatever? And I said 'I love anything you do.' I'm sorry, but I think I've lied to you.. Hah. It's funny really. I remember you saying you loved me, but I don't love me. I kinda hate me. Well the me that is without you."

"Seriously dude, you've got to stop this in the middle of rehearsal. It's not cool. We're trying to practice." Sehun spoke far more sternly to Baek than Luhan did, looking at him with unwavering eyes. Every member had noticed it. He had started to talk to himself a lot. He often just sat down, staring at a wall or a mirror, and saying random he felt.

"Why didn't you call and say something? It'd stop my mind from going off and thinking that all these bad things had happened to you..." Baekhyun smiled a bitter smile before continuing, "If you ever died--"

"I'VE HAD IT." Kyungsoo exploded as an interuption, every member of exo snapping around to look at him, with the exception of Baekhyun, who remained completely stationary.  "This has been going on for more than half a year and it stops now! Baek, we all know you miss him, but he can't ing hear you! Don't you get it? He can't. He's away with his family. I'll be surprised if he remembers you after all this time. He's probably found somone better and you should too, so just get over it. You're acting like a madman and it's pissing everyone else off now. Get up." The room was silent other than the sound of Kyunsoo's footsteps moving over to the corner Baekhyun was sitting in. "I've tried to be nice, I really have, but be a man and get up."

The world stopped in that moment, all of the members both shocked that Kyungsoo could ever be so blunt, and also waiting in anticipation of what the reaction would be. 

Baekhyun stood, without saying a word, calmly walked across the studio, grabbing his bag along the way. Just before he was about to slam the door wide open, he turned to everyone else in the room. "If he couldn't hear me, then how could he talk back?" 

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-Jenn