Being a fan was hard, when all you could do was watch them behind the computer screen, with them not knowing your existence. Secretly loving them, and sending them sweet tweets with them ignoring it, and answering other tweets that seem more interesting than yours. Commenting on their photos on Instagram, hoping for them to at least read it, already knowing that there was little chance for them to see it.

But I still couldn’t help but love you from afar, with little hope that you’ll notice me…

Family and friends only laugh at me for keeping my hopes up for something that wouldn't happen at all, but I wouldn’t blame them. Actually, sometimes I laugh at myself for being that way too. Always fangirling by myself was something that I enjoyed, and only could do best at. Saving up my money for concerts and merchandises, and yelling at my family for taking it away to buy clothes, and food. Call me a spoiled brat, but I needed that money to see him; to see the person that I loved for a long time, and will hopefully notice me just by going to one of his concerts.

Call me an international ssaeng fan, but I couldn’t help but agree with them. It was only one level below them, because I was born in another country besides Korea. I mean, I wouldn’t go inside their personal space, but it would be nice to see him unexpectedly on the streets time to time.

If I had enough money, I would’ve gone crazy with buying merchandises, and buy tickets to every single concert he had. But I couldn’t, because I was penniless, and lived with my family that took every single bit that I earned. “You don’t need it. You’re still a child.” I’m an adult, almost close to my twenties. I’m not a ing kid. I tell them to let me go, but they chose not to… It’s annoying.

But I’m not here to talk about them… I’m here to talk about him.

He was something that I always wanted, but was just to damn far away. I wanted him to only be mine, but the thing that’s holding me back is the mirror and the society. The mirror holds my refection that I hate most of all, and the society has more beautiful people than me. It makes me think that he has a better chance of loving her than me. Because being pretty is everything and so is your personality, but the thing is that my personality is crap, and so is my looks. I’m not nice, but I’m not mean. It’s complicated, and I just hate myself for that.

Those music videos where you see your bias ends up with a girl… A girl way prettier than you, and you just can’t help but look in the mirror and wonder ‘Why can’t I be pretty like her?’ Tears drench my cheeks, as I continue to wonder why? And because of that, you start looking down at yourself, and your whole life. Not believing anybody’s words saying that your pretty or beautiful. A friend of mine came up to me and told me that there will always be someone prettier than me, but that someone isn’t me, but then I told him straight up; Then why won’t anybody take me in?

I’ve already pushed people away, and when I try to get back to them, they only push me away farther. They’re watching me drown, and yelling at me to learn how to swim. I’m already underwater, and they finally thrown a life preserver… But the thing is… I choose to not grab it.

I’m now in a dark world, watching him silently, with the littlest of hope that he’ll notice me, even a little bit- but no… Nothing will ever happen between me and him. Because I am a fan. And that’s all I am. But I’m happy to support him, even if he doesn’t know.

Because I’m still a fan, and that’s all he needs, because like he said, what keeps him on stage, is us. He’s happy, and that’s all I need, to be happy myself.

I’ll still watch him silently, but with a small smile on my face, while he has a big smile on his. He is my bias… And that’s all I need. But if he were to see this… I just wanted to say…

Thank you for being there for me when nobody was…

[A/N: Now write your words to your bias, in the comments below. I think he or she would love that :)]