He rubbed his arms to generate some heat. It only worked until the calm air was once again replaced by strong wintry winds. Tao let his teeth clatter, mostly because it amused him but also because he liked how he felt and how it made the weather seem more extreme. The air was not cold enough so he pretend he was smoking. He knew this because he had been trying for nearly an hour. Tao also tried making a bundle from the fallen leaves. Unfortunately, the company was located in a place devoid of trees so he only had a fistful before he gave up.
 "What to do? What else to do?" Tao asked in Chinese as he looked around. His tutor had insisted in speaking in Korean as often as he could but it was hard when you get words bundled up and randomised in your mind so he gave up. 
 He heard a scream behind him and for a moment his heart sped up in excitement until he remembered that TVXQ were coming in to prepare for a performance. Still, he went round the building and watched from the shadows as the fans clamoured to take pictures and get the attention of the two stars. Tao watched as Changmin grimaced in their direction while Yunho lowered his head and went inside as quickly as he could. He envied them and their expensive fashion and dozens of fans waiting in the cold just to see them. Maybe one day... but Baekhyun told him there was no way a Chinese member without any grasp of Korean can make it. At any rate, he had three more years in his contract so he cannot just up and leave.
 Tao can feel the cough coming up, as odd as it sounds, so as it ripped through his chest, he had his hand clamped on his mouth to muffle the sound. Horrified, he watched as several heads perked up towards his direction and before he knows it, he was running back to the back entrance. He only managed to close the door shut just as a picture of his makeup free face with all its blemishes was snapped. Tao hoped that the person would realise he was a trainee, an ugly one at that, and delete it without posting it anywhere.
 "Where did you come from?"
Tao jumped and realised he had just interrupted a smoking session. His face automatically scrunches when he inhales the smoke.
 "Outside. Air," he panted, not bothering to make a proper sentence because he could not conjugate in his state. The man, Juyeon, Tao thinks, gestures down the hallway and Tao takes the hint. He tried to drown out the laughter after someone says something behind. The meaning escapes him and he is glad. 
 With nothing else to do, he goes back to the upper floors. At first he is goes to the floor where the dancing practice room. They occupied both sides of the floor except for a couple of rooms that doubled as gyms. Every room was occupied with music playing low. They all seemed to be engrossed in conversation and it became apparent that he would not fit. The second last room to his right had all the Chinese trainees. All but one were lying on the ground making idle talk. Yixing, however, was trying to work around his injured waist. Tao could understand why he was scared, he had been there before, so he let him be and instead shuffled to the corner where Changying was chipping away at her nails.
 She had only two months in her contract before she would be released. Tao did not know which one of them was more disappointed. At least she was focusing all her energy on him instead.
 "I thought you said you had somewhere far to go,"
 "I came back," Tao replied stretching out his leg. A cough escape before he could cover his mouth. Changying did not hide her disgust. "Sorry,"
 "It's okay. What does it matter if I get sick?"
 He does not know what to say to that so he just nods his head and turns his attention to the other trainees, watching their every move as though that would make them close. Tao was lonely. He did unnecessary things like staying out for hours just to seem like he had somewhere else he could go. Not that it fooled everyone. Then again, it was not like anyone cared. Except Changying. She was not the warmest person and was often prone to sarcasm when the situation called for sincerity but she treated him decently.
 "Look, how about I take you somewhere today?"
 "Hmm?"
 "Have you been to Namsan?" 
He had a list of places he wanted to visit but it was not on it and he was not interested. Still, the slightly excited expression she wore urged him to accept. Changying happened to be one of the few people he would allow to inconvenience him because he did not want to lose her.
 They left together, Tao ducking his head when they came close to the fans who were sitting, sharing food and pictures, and arguing violently. They reached the cable cars- Changying insisted on using them because the view was impressive- just as the sun dipped down. There was a line, a long one. At first, Tao was willing to wait because it would be the first time he rode one but as the minutes went by, he began willing the people to go faster. 
 "We can walk there. Come to think of it, we should have done that in the first place,"
He followed silently as she led. Only speaking when he was forced to step up as someone tried dragging her to a club.
 "It's because I look Korean," she told him as she straightened her jacket, "otherwise they would leave me alone,"
She looked, sounded and, sometimes, acted Korean so Tao was stumped as to why they would not pick her for that new group they have been planning.
 "Should we talk in Chinese loudly then?"
Changying gave him an odd look but she complied. She told him about her home and all the people she left behind promising them that the next time they saw her, it would be on TV.
 "I was so sure of it,"
 "Me too. I mean, I don't understand how they could not," he replied vehemently. Changying gave him another indescribable look.
 "Zitao?"
 "Yeah?"
 "Do you have a crush on me?"
 "What?"
 "Some of the guys were saying that. Sorry I'm not really good at knowing these things,"
He rubbed the back of his head feeling annoyed. "I look up to you. You're good-looking, you dance so well and you're smarter than me. I didn't even know what I was getting myself into,"
 "No one does honestly. I thought I'd be on stage just by being good. It helps to know the right people, I guess."
 "What are you saying?"
 "Never mind, you don't need to know," she said before going quiet for some time. "Hey, can you promise me something? Don't change yourself even if they tell you to.
Tao frowned. "Aren't we supposed to do everything they tell us?"
 "How should-okay, I'll show you how to, in case they come to tell you something about your nose, for example," Changying cringed as soon as she said it.
Tao's hand flew up to his nose. "Is it that ugly?"
 "It's not ugly. It's you. All of this," she gestured wildly at his body, "is you. Your personality, that irritating laughter of yours, it can get really irritating, the way you point out things you should not, is all you. It will be all you have left so don't change anything,"
 "The trainers talked about getting into character-"
 "How long have I been there? Seven years," Changying continued like he had not spoken. Her eyes were blazing and she was so uncharacteristically flustered that every word she said became important. "You have a long way to go, Zitao, and it will be easier for you if you stay as close to who you are."
 "The other guys say that I have to change to-"
 "They don't matter," she cut him off. "Even if you end up as a group together, what they say doesn't matter. What you want matters. It sounds selfish but that's what they'll all be thinking. Trust me."
He trusted her, more than she knew. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. He saw idols with personalities that clashed with their persona look more exhausted than their group members. Back then it looked like they just used up more energy and now he knew. Tao nodded in agreement and she finally calmed down.
 "We're here,"
They were standing in front of a cliff and the city opened up before them. Because it was dark, the bright lights twinkled back at him. It was quiet, save for the couple of old men a few metres away. Tao felt small but at the same time he felt like a part something big, something that did not threaten to swallow him like the SM building did.
 "This place... thank you," he croaked out. Changying nodded no longer bothered by his tears. It seemed like such a short time before she pulled him away.
 "Let's come back again," Tao said glancing back. Changying hummed her consent.
He went back, one month later, feeling dejected and alone.

                                                        ~x~x~x
 "Hey, Tao," he looked up from the script cards they were given. His manager was still chewing the nicotine gum he plopped into his mouth earlier that day. Honestly when Tao suggested he stop smoking and told him to try the chewing gums instead, he had expected the portly man to hate it. "They're waiting for you,"
 Tao ped the jacket, put the cards down and walked towards the practice room where they would film next. He saw the members going over the script just so that everything went according to how it was planned. The premise was simple enough to follow. Everything else including who he would interact with and what he would say was entirely upto him. Well, not entirely since he had to control what he would say and try his best not to get into arguments. They are supposed to be an idealistic brotherhood after all.
 "Don't worry," he slapped the shoulder of a nervous Baekhyun who was trying to quietly practice in the corner. "Just follow what I do,"
 "You're not that good yourself,"
 "I'm still better than you," Tao pointed out. "I would have come to you if we were supposed to sing,"
Tao laughed even after Baekhyun punched him in the stomach.
 "I would have come to you if we were supposed to sing," Baekhyun mocked trying and almost succeeding in copying Tao's accent.
 "Come on every body, we don't have much time,"
Tao eased himself into where he thought he should be and watched as everyone else scrambled, except Yixing who could not be fazed either, to get into position.
 "Okay, action!"

Author's Note:
This was going to be a massive TaoSoo angst fic but this is what you got instead. Also, I don't hate Baekhyun but this is what I sometimes imagine TaoBaek is behind the scene.