He felt the tears burn his vision as he struggled to withstand the urge to let go. Instead he watched with his usual smile plastered across his face; watched s show their talents one by one. He continued to watch as they danced, sang, rapped their hearts out, and wished he’d be able to perform as well as they did.

Joonmyun never regretted moments; he never had and never would.

However, in that moment, he felt his smile falter the slightest, felt tears slip free for a brief second before he quickly wiped them away. He felt how he, for the first time in his life, regretted having debuted, having ever pursued the life of an idol.

Despite his gentle demeanor, his constant smiles and unwavering confidence, he wanted nothing more than to be able to compete with his fellow members.

He didn’t want to be useless, not in this environment.

He couldn’t take the pain anymore; he couldn’t continue watching as he felt himself grow weaker.

The title of leader seemed like nothing in the presence of the talented young men standing in front of him. He muffled a cough, biting his hand as he fought against the tears. Leaders were supposed to be talented, were supposed to lead. None of those attributes were applied to him though; he couldn’t compete with the overflowing talent surrounding him.

He couldn’t, even if he tried his best, he wasn’t on par with anyone. That was what hurt the most, the reality that surfaced every time he desperately practiced his dancing or vocals. The reality that told him that no matter how much hard work he used, it couldn't put him in the same spot as raw talent.

Joonmyun loved s, yet times like these made him want to throw away his dream.

Every time it hurt, no less than the first time. He was there, although it wouldn’t have made much difference if he wasn’t there.

The show ended with its usual noise of applauds, directed at each member. As they bid their goodbyes, he felt physically ill at the weakened noise of cheers directed at him. Joonmyun knew he should’ve felt proud over them, and he did he was always be proud of their group, yet at the time all he wanted was to disappear.

It wasn’t as if someone would notice him, he was the shadow that lingered in the background. He was the character that formed the setting, there because he had to, not because he was needed.

The title of leader had been given out to him as an act of pity, as a way of showing that he wasn’t a complete failure.

Joonmyun knew, and thus, Joonmyun continued to watch and smile as the tears slowly diminished, as his confidence wavered once again, and as his dream felt less grateful, and more regretful.