“Ugh, where did I put it? It has to be here somewhere… I’m pretty sure this was the last place I remember having it,” I grumbled to myself. I was searching for my “misplaced” mp3 player around the f(x) dorm after not being able to find it at home. “Where could it be? And where’s everyone when you need them?” I sighed.

At that moment, there was the sound of a shuffle coming from behind me which nearly gave me a heart attack as I was positive that no one was around.

“Yah! Jung Soojung! What are you doing here at this time of day?”

I whipped my head back to confirm whom I already knew it was that was hollering at me.

“Oh, Ssul! It’s just you. You scared me! And what do you mean this time of day? It’s noon! Anyway, I’m just looking for my mp3 player. I can’t seem to find it anywhere. Have you seen it?” The words sped out of my mouth, my eyes still roaming around the room looking for my missing item.

“Oh that, right… Well, I think Amber unni found it and hid it somewhere. Not sure where though, sorry,” she replied casually, obviously still half asleep.

“Dammit, Amber! I should have known!” I snarled. “Now I have to wait until she gets back.” As I finally fixed my eyes on Sulli, I realized that she was wearing the cute bread pajamas that she bought in New Zealand. Oh gosh, can she look any cuter? A smile crept across my face.

“What?” she asked, obviously noticing that I was giving her a strange look.

“Uhm, I was just wondering why you’re here. I thought you had a schedule today,” I changed the subject abruptly, feeling a little embarrassed that I had been caught.

“I did but it’s been rescheduled. Good thing too cause I’ve been needing a day off.”

“Oh, ok.” I didn’t really know what else to say. Honestly, I’d been kind of avoiding being alone with her recently. No, it wasn’t that we were arguing or that I was angry at her or that I hated her. In fact, it was the furthest from that. I’d been really confused about my feelings for her in the past few months. I was still sorting them out. All I knew was that my heart would beat a little faster when I was near her, or when she looked at me, or when she touched me, or when she said something mushy, or even when she teased me. In fact, it was becoming almost unbearable for me to be alone with her because nervousness would take over my entire being.

We both stood in awkward silence for what seemed like an eternity until she finally spoke up. “So what do you have planned today?” she asked a little too eagerly. I knew she was just trying to alleviate the situation.

“I was just going to hang with Sica unni. She has the day off too.”

“Are you meeting her soon?”

“No, a little later. Uhm, but I guess since I’m not going to find my mp3 player anyway, I should just head off. Sorry, I woke you up.” I didn’t know why we were speaking to each other this way. It felt as if we were strangers making small talk.

“In that case, can you stay a little while? I have nothing planned for today. Actually, I’m really glad you’re here. It feels like we haven’t hung out, just the two of us, for the longest time,” she asked as she took a step towards me.

Like a reflex, I took a step backwards, keeping the distance between us. She was right, we haven’t spent much alone time like we used to. I couldn’t even remember when the last time was that we spent quality time together. After all, we were inseparable since even before we debuted.

“I know. Our schedules have been really grueling, what with the comeback and all,” I lied, using the obvious to hide the real reason that I had been keeping from her.

“So… you’ll stay?”

“Sure, why not?” I couldn’t keep avoiding her forever.

A huge smile broke across her face and her eyes squinted into the lovely eye-smile that no one could resist. I was thankful that she was being the same old, bright Sulli because I was certainly not behaving like the Soojung she knew.

“Great! I’ll just go change out of these pajamas. I’ll be right back.” She headed into her room to change but she didn’t shut the door behind her.

My eyes trailed after her until I realized that she was about to undress herself, and I quickly looked away. Why am I being so shy? It’s not like we haven’t changed in front of each other a hundred times before. I was feeling frustrated with myself so I just sat myself down on the couch and flipped on the television. She walked out immediately after and sat herself down next to me. I flipped between the different channels, not really paying attention to what was on but rather just to distract myself. All of a sudden, she laid her head on my lap.

“Ah, this feels nice,” she chirped, snuggling closer to me like a little puppy wanting attention from its owner.

I felt butterflies begin to form in my stomach while blood began to flush my cheeks.

“Aww, my Jjungie is feeling shy,” she teased as she cupped my face in her hands. “I missed this.”

And so did I, but I didn’t want to admit it. Her hands were so warm though, it was difficult not to enjoy it. I allowed myself to look down at her and I gave her a little smile. She was just so adorable I couldn’t help but her hair gently. Just then, a commercial came on with a familiar face we both knew.

“Oh look, it’s Minho oppa!” she giggled, a little too excitedly for my liking.

She and Minho oppa have been extra close since the drama. So close that I sometimes wonder if she had a crush on him but she always denied it saying he’s just like a brother.

“Soojung-ah,” there was a suddenly seriousness in the tone of her voice. “Can I ask you something?”

“Uh… uhm… sure,” I replied with a stutter, wondering what could have possibly brought on the sudden change in her tone.

She lifted herself off my lap and sat upright again, this time making sure she looked at me straight in the eyes.

I tried shifting my gaze but it was as if she had locked me in.

“Why have you been avoiding me recently? Did I do something wrong?” she asked earnestly.

I couldn’t believe she finally asked me the question I was so hoping not to have to answer. I couldn’t think of a good excuse, so I decided to just plain deny it. “N… no I haven’t.”

“Oh come on Jjung, do you think I haven’t noticed? You think I don’t know when something’s wrong? It’s written all over your face. Just tell me what’s wrong,” she pressed.

I hated that she could read me like a book. I couldn’t hide anything from her but there was no way I could admit to having feelings or whatever it was that I felt for her. “It’s nothing, really. I’m just stressed and tired, that’s all.”

“That’s a lie and you know it! Why won’t you just tell me the truth?” She was starting to get agitated.

“I’m not lying! Stop accusing me,” I replied defensively. At this point, I was obviously lying about not lying. I knew it was unreasonable but I was starting to get angry for being accused as a liar, even if I was. “You know what, I’m leaving.” I didn’t want to deal with this right then; no, I couldn’t. I stood up and headed for the door. Just as I turned the doorknob, she slammed her hands on the door preventing me from leaving. “Yah! What are you doing? Get out of the way!” This argument was escalating and quickly getting out of hand.

She sighed and let go of the door. “Soojung, we really need to talk about this. We really need to talk about us.”

“W… what?” I started to panic. What was she saying? Does she know?

“Us…. This…” she gestured her finger from herself to me and then back to her. “This game of cat and mouse has got to stop.”

Now, I started feeling confused. I was absolutely stunned at what she was saying.

The confusion on my face must have been evident because she continued, “We can’t go on denying it. You and I both know that there’s something between us and it’s been going on for awhile now. It was fine before but now, now you keep avoiding me and it seems to be getting worse. We need to deal with this before it’s too late.”

I was absolutely shocked at how direct she was being. I couldn’t believe what I had heard. What is she trying to say? I shook my head in disbelief and I nudged her on the shoulder. “Tch! Stop joking around. You really got me there. There’s nothing going on between us. We’re fine.”

She let out a huff of frustration and disappointment. “Are we? Because I’m not fine, Soojung. My mind’s been really clouded with the thought of you lately. I had hoped that with our busy schedule that I would be able to distract myself but the only distraction to me is the very thought of you. I…”

“I’m sorry that I’ve been such a burden to you,” I cut her off. I was afraid of what she might say. That she couldn’t stand me anymore. That she had finally had enough of me and that she hated me. “If I’ve been such a pain, why didn’t you just go to Vic unni or Amber unni or better yet Minho oppa for comfort? I’m sure they would’ve helped you take your mind of me.” I knew it was a low blow but my emotions were taking over and I no longer had control over what I said or did.

“Minho oppa? Why would I? How would that help?” she replied in dismay.

“I know you like him. I see the way you are around him.”

“He’s just like a brother to me…”

“Oh please. Then why are you always flirting with him?”

“I wasn’t flirting. And besides why do you care anyway?”

“Because I hate seeing you two together!” I blurted out in the heat of the argument. I was afraid that I had exposed my true feelings but she didn’t even blink.

Instead the argument turned into a shouting match. “Tch! What about you? You were all over Kai in the shoot! How do you think it made me feel?”

“That was for the shoot! I was told to do it!” The argument was getting more and more absurd. “Why does it matter to you anyway if you hate me that much?”

“Who said I hated you?” Suddenly, we both fell silent.

“But you just said that I was a distraction to you…” If she doesn’t hate me, then what are we fighting about?

“Yes, but I never said I hated you. There’s no way I could hate you, Soojung-ah. You are too precious to me. I’m just concerned about you. Or rather I’m worried that we are no longer close like we used to be,” she said softly, her voice wavering as she dropped her head.

My emotions took a 180 degree turn. Instead of being angry or frustrated at her, I felt touched at what she had just said. I didn’t realize that she had been so affected my behavior. I held out my hands and grabbed hers. “Babo, why would you think that?”

“It’s pretty obvious. These days, when I look at you, you look away. When I ask you to spend time with me, you tell me you’re busy. But you always have time for the other members especially Amber unni. You guys are always fooling around together, and you are always so happy when you are around her. We don’t even really talk anymore.”

My heart sank. I could hear a deep sadness in her voice that I’ve only heard a handful of times since we’ve known each other. What have I done? I thought I was protecting our friendship but I’ve only been hurting her. “Listen, Ssul. I… I’m sorry that I’ve been so cold to you lately. I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to sort some personal things out and I didn’t realize that I’d hurt you because of it. I shouldn’t have been so selfish.” I squeezed her hand tightly.

“Then you should’ve come to me and talk to me about it. You’ve always come to me before, why not now? She looked at me with her beautiful eyes that were starting to tear. She really couldn’t let it go but it was exactly like her to keep prying. In a strange way, the fact that she could be dejected but still so headstrong was one of the reasons I found her so attractive.

I felt as though I was backed into a corner. I couldn’t tell her the truth, she wouldn’t have understood. But I couldn’t continue hurting her. I cared about her too much for that. I did the only thing I could, I pulled her into my arms and I held her firmly. I could feel her tears fall down my back. I became weak; unable to steady my emotions, my tears began to flow as well. “I couldn’t. You wouldn’t understand,” I sobbed.

She pulled herself out of my hold and looked me directly in the eyes again. “It’s about me isn’t it? That’s the only explanation. Don’t try and deny it. I know you too well, Jjung.”

I turned my face, evading her gaze. I had no choice, it was either tell her and risk losing our friendship, or lie and risk hurting her more. I knew that she could always see right through my lies so I could only pray that our friendship was strong enough to survive this. “Promise that you won’t hate me,” I pleaded, still looking away, my hair draped over my face.

“I could never…”

“Please, just promise.” I couldn’t tell her if she didn’t.

“I promise, Soojungie,” she said as she gently brushed my hair back that was covering my face. “I promise. Trust me nothing can change how I feel about you.”

Oh, why did she have to say that? Just hearing that made me even more nervous that I already was. I could feel my heart beating through my chest as a hundred scenarios of how she would react ran through my head. I took a deep breath and mustered up every ounce of courage I had in my heart. “You’re right, I’ve been avoiding you. But it’s definitely NOT because I hate you. The truth is, recently I’ve…” I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. “I’ve started having some weird feelings for you and I don’t know what it means. I’m so confused. I mean, you’re my best friend Ssul. But when I’m near you now, my mind gets all jumbled up. I don’t know what to do about it, that’s why I’ve been avoiding you.” The words left my mouth like a bullet train. I immediately turned my back, still unable to open my eyes. I couldn’t bear to see her reaction. I even buried my face in my hands.

I waited but there was only silence. Why isn’t she saying anything? Is it that big of a shock? The wait was agonizing and I was so embarrassed I could die. I guess that’s her way of rejecting me. I was about to leave again when I suddenly felt her arms snake around my waist and gave me a back hug. She leaned in close, her head on my shoulder. My heart skipped a beat. No, it stopped. Oh my god! Is this really happening?

“Thank you, Soojung-ah,” she whispered into my ear.

For a second, my mind went blank but I quickly snapped out of it. “Why are you thanking me?”

“For telling me your true feelings. I’m so happy, Soojung-ah. I’ve waited for a long time.”

“What?!” I turned my face to look at hers only to find that our faces were way too close. It did not help my nerves.

“I had a feeling that this was what’s troubling you. I’m sorry that I haven’t made it easy on you, but I really needed to know what you truly felt.”

I was utterly surprised. This wasn’t how I’d expected her to react at all. “So… you’re okay with this?”

She grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face her directly. She then lightly wiped off the traces of tears on my face. “Soojungie, you how I feel about you right? I like you as a person. I like you as a friend. I like you as a sister. But the truth is…” She trailed off as she hesitated slightly.

Oh no, she does hate me!

“Well the truth is,” she continued. “I really like you. As something more than a friend or sister. You’re the most important person to me.”

My eyes widened in shock. “Wha… what are you saying?” By this time, my mind had completely ceased to function. Too much information, too many emotions, my brain had malfunctioned.

“I’m trying to say that I have feelings for you, Jjung,” she confessed sincerely as she rested her hands on my shoulders.

“But… but… How? When?” I stammered, unable to form a coherent sentence.

All of a sudden, she became embarrassed. Her cheeks flushed and she bowed her head slightly. “Babo-ya. Couldn’t you tell? I’ve felt this way for a while now. Have you never noticed the way I look at you? You’ve never noticed how I always want to be beside you or share everything with you?”

“I just… I just thought that it was because we are best friends. Why didn’t you say something before?”

“You didn’t either. Not until now. I couldn’t confess until I knew that you could at least accept how I felt. I’m sorry it took me so long.”

I felt touched, relieved, and cheated all at the same time. It was a load of my shoulders that the truth was out but in a way she tricked me into admitting the truth. “So you knew all this while about what I was going through and you didn’t even bother to say something knowing that it would have saved us this heartache?”

“You’re right. I admit it, I was a coward. I’m sure you can understand… I was afraid. I had a feeling but I wasn’t sure if you actually felt something for me as well. Please Jjung, don’t be mad. I’m really sorry. You were always the brave one.”

I knew she was feeling guilty and sorry. She had withdrawn her hands and was now fiddling with her fingers. But I was still angry at her although I could never be for long. I stayed silent, unable to think of what to say.

“Please forgive me, Jjung. I never meant to hurt you. So many times I wanted to tell you. In fact, so many times I did but you never took me seriously. But that doesn’t excuse what I did, and now you know.”

I thought about it for a second. Technically, she was right. She’s never really hidden her true feelings for me, I just never noticed it. But I doubted my own feelings. She seemed so sure about how she felt, but I was still unsure about mine. “Look Ssul, I’m not angry. You don’t have to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were right, you never really hid anything. I was just too blind to see. But to be honest, I’m still uncertain about what it is that I feel for you. It could be something but it could also be nothing,” I clarified.

All of a sudden, her expression turned gloomy. “You don’t…,” she choked. “You don’t feel the same as I do? No, it has to be something. You just have to open up your heart.”

“Ssul, you know I like you too but I just don’t know if I like you that way.”

It must have felt like I stabbed her in the heart because the pain that was in her eyes was obvious. “Do you not feel anything when I look at you?” she asked as she lifted my chin and looked into my eyes.

I blushed. “I do.”

“Do you not feel anything when I do this?” she brushed her hand down my arm and took my hand into hers.

My heart raced. “I do.”

“Well then you feel the same way I do.” She was oddly confident.

“How can you be so sure, when I don’t even know myself?”

“Then let me help you realize it for yourself.” She took a step towards me and started leaning in.

I started to panic. She was probably about to kiss me but I wouldn’t know because I immediately stepped backwards and pushed her away. My actions were brash and abrupt, and I immediately regretted it. I had made a big mistake.

“You didn’t have to do that. That really hurt me,” she uttered, giving me an expression I couldn’t recognize.

“Ss… Ssul, I’m so sorry! I just panicked and I didn’t mean to,” I pleaded hard.

“I guess that’s your answer,” she responded with a harsh tone. “I understand. You don’t have to explain anymore. You know, you’re not the only one who’s afraid here, Soojung-ah. I don’t know what this would mean for either of us either but I’m at least willing to find out. If it’s really nothing so be it. But if there’s something here, I don’t want to regret not finding out.”

“I just need more time…” I started but there was no explanation.

“I’m trying to be brave for the first time, for us. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve, Jjung. It’s yours for the taking. Just jump and I’ll catch you. It’s now or never.”

I was paralyzed. My heart ached badly because she had the courage to lay her heart on the line while all I did was bury my head in the sand. I couldn’t even give her an answer.

She finally gave up. “Right… I guess that’s it.”

“Ssul, please…”

“Just… just let me be. If you don’t mind, just leave me alone for awhile. Lock the door behind you when you leave.” She ran into her room and slammed the door shut. I could hear her crying even through the closed door.

I’m the worst best friend EVER! I’ve broken my best friend’s heart! I clutched my chest, the pain in my heart was just too great. Why, why couldn’t I find the courage to accept her? Why couldn’t I just give us a chance? Why did I have to fall in love with my best friend? Wait, WHAT?! And just then, all the memories that I’ve built with her flooded my head, and along with them all the emotions I’ve ever felt for her.  OH MY GOD, JUNG SOOJUNG! I am so STOOPID! I couldn’t have come to this realization sooner? It’s too late. I’ve already rejected her. NO! No, I have to try. She was right. I have nothing to lose. It’s better to find out now than to regret it later!

I ran over to her room but the door was locked. I twisted the door handle violently and banged on the door begging for her to open it. “Ssul, come out! Come out, I have to talk to you!”

“Just go away! We’ve done enough talking. It’s over,” she cried from the other side of the door.

“No! I still have something to say.”

“There’s nothing left to say.”

“I should at least give you an answer.”

Silence… Then click, the door unlocked from the inside.

I hastily opened the door and walked in to find her standing in front of the door, her eyes red and puffy from the crying.

“What? What could you possibly have to say? You want to reject me properly? Go ahead…”

At this point, I was running on adrenaline and everything felt like slow motion. In one swift motion, I grabbed her by the shoulders and pinned her against the wall. Then I leaned in and pressed my lips against hers. At first, her eyes widened in complete shock but then they slowly closed and she kissed me back. My entire being rejoiced! It was like fireworks. She wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me in closer. Our kiss deepened with the intensity and passion that had been trapped in our hearts for the longest time. My hands caressed her face and then ran through her hair. How could I have ever doubted these feelings I had for her? When we finally pulled apart to catch our breaths, my heart was beating so hard I thought it was going to burst.

Then, I spoke up. “Are you really giving me your heart?” I asked shyly, feeling absolutely embarrassed that I had just asked such a mushy question.

“Soojung-ah, I gave my heart to you a long time ago,” she replied. It was the best answer anyone could have given me.

I took her hand and placed in over my heart. “And you’ve always had mine, I just didn’t know it.”

She gripped my hand tightly and pulled me in once again for a kiss. This time the kiss was gentle and tender. She was still holding onto one of my hands while the other was wrapped around me. I felt myself surrender to her completely. In that moment, nothing else in the word existed except for us. I didn’t want it to end.

As she pulled away, we looked into each other’s eyes. We both blushed but also smiled timidly at each other. We knew we didn’t have to say anything else; we could hear each other’s hearts.

“You know, Amber unni is not going to like this,” she joked. We both laughed.

“She’ll get over it. So… what now?” I asked feeling awkward all of a sudden.

“I don’t know. But you’d better leave now.”

“What? Why?” Was she trying to get rid of me now that she’s kissed me?

“Aren’t you meeting your sister?”

I let out a slight giggle. “Oh, right. I totally forgot. Maybe I should call her to cancel. I should stay…”

“What’s the rush? After all, we have the rest of our lives to spend together,” she smiled cheekily.

And at hearing that, I blushed madly. I thought it was the most beautiful thing anyone could ever say to me. Just as I was about to leave, we found ourselves drawn into yet another kiss and I knew it would definitely not be our last.