Sometimes I think about what would happen if I died. What would become of the places I inhabited or the people I knew?

Who would show up at my funeral? Family? Friends? Lovers? Past lovers? Co-workers? Even people I don’t even like?

Who would cry for me? Who would just feign sadness and turn their head? Who would regret saying, or not saying something to me? Who would cry for days, weeks, months, never being able to get over my absence?

Would I perhaps have a secret admirer that regrets not saying something sooner? Or perhaps an enemy that wished they could take all the nasty words they spewed at me back?

I shifted my head that was lying on my boyfriend’s chest so I could see his face. His eyes were focused on the TV in front of us but when he felt my head move he looked down to face me. He smiled brightly and I couldn’t help but do the same.

What would become of Jongup? He would definitely cry for me, right? He would mourn my absence, right? He would come to my funeral and visit my grave and refuse to move on like in those sappy movies, right?

He wouldn’t want to touch anything of mine. He would leave my clothes and belongings just as they were. When he’d get lonely he would perhaps lie on my side of the bed, wearing my favorite sweater that I was even wearing at the moment and just try and pretend. Try and pretend I was there. He would close his eyes and inhale my scent and maybe even shed a tear or two.

For the next couple of weeks or months he would still make dinner for two. He would still call out to me when he came home from work. He would still watch all my favorite shows even thought I knew he didn’t even find much of an interest in them. He would brew the coffee in the morning and then sigh and dump it out when he came home from work, finding that I hadn’t finished it during the day. He would point out things in stores saying “Oh, Channie would like that” or “I should buy this for hyung” or maybe “Himchan had always wanted this”.

He would be remorseful, wouldn’t he?

Or maybe he wouldn’t do any of those things.

Maybe he would attend the funeral out of courtesy but not even shed a tear. Lie and say that he had been crying over my death for weeks and he ran out of tears.

He would throw out all of my things from the apartment without a care in the world, happy that he would have more space to house his things. He would delete all my recordings on the TV and watch what he wanted. He would cook the things that he liked (not that he didn’t like the things that I liked) and throw out all of the food that he wouldn’t even touch.

He would date right after. He didn’t care about me so there were no lingering feelings. He just wanted me out and now that I was dead he could date whomever he wanted. He could date a nice, pretty little lady who would bat her eyelashes when she wanted something and whine “Oppa~”.

The thought disgusted me. Of some girl in a too short skirt and four-inch high heels clinging onto Jongup’s arm whining and making stupid aegyo faces. I almost gagged at just the mere image in my head.

But Jongup wouldn’t do any of that, right?

He loves me and cares for me so he would obviously mourn at my loss. I doubt that our four, almost five, years of dating were complete lies on his side.

I rested my chin on his chest and waited for him to look back at me. “Jonguppie?”

“Hmm?” He hummed while running his finger through my hair.

I bit my lip and looked at him hesitantly, “What would you do if I died?” I questioned.

He furrowed his brows at my strange question and sat up, bringing me along with him. He held both of my hands and looked at me with worried eyes. the backs of my hands with his thumbs he asked me slowly, “What brought this up, Channie?”

Seeing the concern in his eyes and voice I could tell he was thinking of the worst. Slightly panicked, I let go of Jongup’s hands in opt of holding his face in my hands and pulling him towards me. Bringing our lips together and kissing him tenderly, letting our lips linger even after I pulled away. “Jongup, baby. Don’t think anything’s wrong. It was just a question, alright?” I looked at him with hopeful eyes.

Jongup raked my face, trying to see if I was lying but he should know better. I am a terrible liar, especially when it comes to him. “Al…alright,” Taking a couple seconds to think about my question and pulling our faces away and taking my hands in his once again he then answered my question, “How did you die?”

I furrowed my brows, “Does it matter?”

“Well, commiting suicide, getting hit by a truck and someone stabbing you are completely different don’t you think?” Jongup reasoned.

I sighed. He had a point but then again he really didn’t. “How about we say I died of an illness.”

He hesitated before saying, “Well, I’d probably cry for days. Just the sight of your books or the smell of your pillow would make me feel emotional. I probably wouldn’t eat or sleep normally or go to work because I was feeling so distressed. Yongguk would have to come and take care of me and make sure I wasn’t dying of sadness.” He laughed softly but I was straight faced and he kept going, “Everyone would tell me to move on. Not to necessarily move on from you but just and try and get over your death. I would refuse and everyone would get angry with me. Eventually I would start wearing your clothes, especially the ones you favored because your scent would still remain. I would hug your pillow and sleep on your side just hoping that you could come back. I might resort to old habits, ones that you never liked but you weren’t here to tell me not to do it…” I could see the glisten in Jongup’s eyes.

He looked me dead in the eyes and smiled slightly, “I would be broken. Completely and utterly broken. I wouldn’t know what to do with my life anymore. I don’t think I’d ever be the Jongup that everyone once knew because you weren’t in my life. Himchan, you made me who I am today and I would be nothing without you. You are my life and you have taken a part of my heart and soul. If you were gone I would be empty.”

A tear had just slipped past Jongup’s eye and he looked at me after turning his head away mid-confession, embarrassed at the things that he was saying. Tears were pouring down my cheeks and I was trying so hard to keep them in. Jongup grabbed my face in his hands and our lips collided, filled with all the love we had for each other. Our mouths moved together like they always did and our tears were mingling on our cheeks.

“I love you, Jonguppie.” I sobbed against his lips.

“I love you too, Channie.” He responded and molded his lips back against mine.

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~Kim <3