5 seconds

Profanities. The only word Sunggyu could mumble without looking so pathetic . Sunggyu found himself unable to throw constellation anymore , because his constellation had been taken away by a lanky boy with curious eyes . The lanky boy with long limbs , the lanky boy with luscious teeth . Sunggyu lost his constellation to the boy because the boy was too perfect – smart brain, fair skin , thin body , mellifluous voice -  all the qualities to strive in the horrible entertainment world .

Sunggyu  would never allow himself the few seconds to inhale the sweet scent of spring . He would never spend the seconds in his life mumbling sweet nothings to the other’s ear . Sunggyu thought that it is highly –cliched for people to lost the seconds of their life ; doing nothing when all he could see was their constellation being erased away by others . Sunggyu would sometimes mumble under his breath ; profanities again , because he did not find enough courage to yell ; to tell the ignorant people around him to stop spending seconds on things that will disappear . Sunggyu was someone with such determination that his face will cringe in disdain whenever he saw someone wasting seconds of their life when he, on the other hand, put all his force to re-illuminates his constellation.

Sunggyu walked away.  Five seconds, he thought.

31 seconds

He failed .

Sunggyu realized the fact when all he get back were small thank yous that were plastered on small papers bonded with small clips . He  realized he had failed when he saw the distant look of the interviewers when he was pouring his emotion out . He realized there was no more dream for him . He realized the throbbing feeling that grinding his heart was pain . The seconds seems to stop .His constellation faded off . Completely.

Blank . The only color Sunggyu could see  . The weird thing is blank is not even a color .

Sunggyu found himself running through the familiar streets of his neighbourhood ; his eyes frantically tracing the path ; his legs accelerates too much it hurts .  Sunggyu ran and ran with so much emotion fueled inside his fragile heart . His heart that was too fragile; because Sunggyu  had never built any wall . Because Sunggyu had never spared any thought on the day his heart will be attacked by an unfamiliar feeling ; a piercing pain . Sunggyu thought his heart had already made by steel .

He was wrong . That much Sunggyu could actually feel . His heart seemed to be squeezed from inside .

Sunggyu arrived at the familiar place where his subconscious mind lead him . His breathing was labored , but he managed to pull his legs to climb the tree from his childhood . The tree where the seconds of his childhood had been wasted away , Sunggyu thought bitterly . Sunggyu could still remember vividly the time when he would actually play with the children of his neighbourhood , laughing their head off when there were no lucid reason to do so . Sunggyu could still remember himself , still the sophomore of his school ,  singing beneath the tree while dancing to the rhytm of the music . It was beautiful ; the seconds he spent . But now , all the memories seemed to drown him . Those memories suffocates him , Sunggyu felt ; because of how his seconds were spent doing nothing but fading his constellation . Sunggyu felt afraid for the fact that he did not need water to suffocate and drown .

Sunggyu  rested his chin on his palm while his eyes lost their focus . All Sunggyu could see were blur . Grey and black and red and yellow and green – Sunggyu could not differentiate them because all of them seemed to melange under his gaze . And that’s what Sunggyu needed – not all but promising enough– a scenery where he could let his mind escape. He wandered for a while ; trying to capture the light between his  fingers , when he realized it was futile .

Sunggyu mumbled profanities again when what he really wanted was to mumble constellation .

He lowered his glance to  the ground beneath him , looking for the familiar warmth ; he found none .

He lifted his chin up , observing the fluffy white clouds among the azure blue sky , looking for comfort ; he found none .

He stared through the leaves , looking for any hint of passion ; he found none .

He looked to his sides , wondering why the leaves seems to be swaying when he could not feel any wind .

Sunggyu grimaced in pain .

It hurts . The scorching sun was pain . The green leaves were nightmares. Everything around him hurts . Sunggyu realized it a bit too early . Sunggyu  clutched his heart  a bit too tight ; but he could not feel the pain between his fingers because he was too busy examining his heart .

Sunggyu found his hand trembling with so much force . His trembling hand dug into the pockets on his trouser , trying to get a grip of the blade  he always put inside . Sunggyu always make sure he had a blade with him , before going out , because he was too afraid of the monsters; dugging their claws into his flesh . The blade was for safety ; he often find himself saying those words in order to rationalize his odd habit .

Today , his words were proven .

 Sunggyu closed his eyes  and blinked them open ; again, and gazed at his long limb. He let a defeated sigh linger around his breath as he brought his calloused fingers up; the fingers that once tied up to infinities ; the hands that once drew their own constellation ; the dirt between his flesh and dead cells brushed against the cold metal of the blade .  He scratched the blade on his limb. He felt the blood, oozing through the wound he created. Sunggyu thought he saw a butterfly; with its magnificent wings, flapping around him.

 He felt relaxed for a while. The pain did not matter to him anymore because his heart was lost. Lost to the heart of the earth, eaten by the hungry monsters. Monsters that already lost their hearts, scraping to grow their hearts back, too engulfed in the dark, too tired to care. The butterfly morphed into a tiger; ready to flung it claws on Sunggyu’s flesh.  He tried to believe that comfort still existed and found a tower; with menacing eyes; staring from the ground to him.

‘What are you doing?’ The owner of the eyes asked him with provocative tone .

Sunggyu caught the boy tone but he was too tired to think and mumbled profanities again . The vision in front of him became blurry and he found himself falling into an endless void .

‘You’re awake’. The boy said . He forgot to put a question mark at the end of his sentence .

Sunggyu felt his non- existent heart clenched . Thirty one seconds of catching drowned dream had gone .

47 seconds

Again, as if everything were just a mere dream ; Sunggyu woke up . His eyes were peeled by the orange colored sun, his torso gleamed in different shades of gold .Only he could think that way because all he could see were bright chromes dissolving into the opaque solidity ; which was him . Certainly it was not himself, who else would it be other than ‘that’ boy. Sunggyu could not hold himself from drawing a cynical grin, which still made his eyes disappear because that was how the flesh between his hollow cheekbones were supposed to keep intact with each other .

‘You have smile plastered on your face’. The boy ; whom later Sunggyu learned the name ; Myungsoo , with his menacing glares that seemed to soften by each coming day; said , as if the small twitch of annoyed lips did not bother him . He sounded almost genuine ; Sunggyu found himself believing his ears .

‘Hmmmm….’. Sunggyu shrugged nonchalantly . His smile was ephemeral , replaced by eyes weighted by heavy eyelashes of dark black liquid ; which Sunggyu thought would not come back . The dark veins on his lips pursed themselves together into one fine straight line ; revealing nothing to the halcyon atmosphere. His heart still running away (or did he forget to pick it up again ? ). His chest now substituted by vacant void, the pulse remain pumping but he was slowly melting down. How he wish he could disappear like dust carried away by the zephyrs and not melt and leave traces .

Sunggyu realized that he will never really melt because of Myungsoo.

 Forty-seven seconds of thirty-three minutes and eleven hour in the morning . That’s what Myungsoo felt like under his meticulous brain . The Myungsoo with dark black eyes , the Myungsoo with black shirts and jeans and everything black , Sunggyu began to wonder how Myungsoo shines . Out of the ubiquitous things , he preferred to call ; with hearts that ubiquitous on the street ; lay bleeding (perhaps crashed by vehicles rode by reality ), Myungsoo was the only one who tried to care . 

Forty-seven seconds of thirty-three minutes and eleven hour in the morning was Myungsoo himself , Sunggyu realized the fact that the time was and forever will be the time where the sun would have sat and blaze its warmth to the earth . Sometimes, Myungsoo would just sits and watches him , sometimes (often),  he would took snaps of pictures using his camera  ; Sunggyu found out one day when he was too busy examining his hearts (not treating , because he was unable to ).

‘What’s  the fun in picturing ?,’ he asked , feeling arid all of the sudden .

Myungsoo’s eyes widen for a slight slip of time . But then , the eyes that always emits truculent sphere resolved back to normality . Only Myungsoo could define what normality is , but Sunggyu tends to ignore the fact because he found Myungsoo’s glare as winsome quality of him .

‘You asked the wrong question ,’ Myungsoo replied bluntly . He then proceeded on snapping pictures as if nothing had ever came across his trance .

Sunggyu was taken aback for a moment and let out the words slip against his choppy lips after altering few words. ‘What’s the fun in taking pictures?’

‘You’re a fast learner .’ Myungsoo commented. His camera which hung low from his neck , to his hips , seemed to sway to the wind . Sunggyu began to wonder whether it was possible for camera to sway freely without any external force. Numerous silver metal along black plastic, kept intact by numerous button and switch ; that was how Sunggyu would describe a camera. (What does Myungsoo saw anyways?)

Myungsoo seemed to click the button of his camera vigorously , perhaps he was trying to find some pictures . The sweat glimmered above his fair skin, the sun flushed his forehead red . Sunggyu squinted his eyes .

‘Here , look at this ‘. Sunggyu inched closer . He could see a boy with eyes that almost disappear, a boisterous grin plastered on his face ,with sweat –clamped hair inside the camera . His eyes seemed to flicker ; of hopes , of dream . Later, he realized the boy was him.

‘This is Sunggyu. He used to flashes his smile to everyone . He is talented, I could tell by how much he evinced his talent at school. He  would occasionally wore plaid shirts , sometimes blue , as if he owned the school . Once , he dyed his hair blonde, later the blonde altered to bright red , purple , green – I could imagine him dying his hair to non-existence color right now .‘ A smile crept its way to Myungsoo’s lips. His eyes flickered in what Sunggyu thought were nostalgic .

’He always had this kind of effect on me , you know – like never give up and life goes on – something like that . I secretly adored him – it has been a long span of time, I suppose. He was the one who urged me to indulge in snapping pictures – his smile was . I wanted to treasure everyone’s smile to reprimand myself that once we had been happy with our lives; that once our own soul was able to drew happiness. I wanted to capture the moment where lives did not suffocate us with hazy smokes . I wanted to keep lives at golden autumn leaves , at pink cherry blossoms ,at crystal snow and orange sun – don’t you think it’s funny , Sunggyu?’ Myungsoo smiled .

Sunggyu’s lip twitched to curl against gravity.  He did not answer but decided to start mumbling constellation again.

Myungsoo was forty-seven seconds of thirty-three minutes and eleven hour in the morning and smelled like black coffee ; bitter yet satisfying. That was another fact Sunggyu learned that day.

60 seconds

‘What do you think of seconds ?’ Sunggyu asked no one in particular .

‘Paltry.’ Someone replied . He had tousled black hair with some tint of brown.

‘I guess so. Seconds are so illusory, sometimes I would like to think that seconds are long and not paltry.’ Sunggyu mumbled under his breath.

‘Do you want me to listen?’ The stranger with deep – velvety voice asked . Concern colored his voice with what Sunggyu would assume as coastal blue - the same color as the sea .

‘Will you ? Sunggyu faced the stranger and flashed him a grin . His eyes disappeared but not the melancholy between his clenched fist.

‘If you want ‘. The stranger flashed him a wide smile . Small portion of gums could be seen through his lips.

Sunggyu started to pile up his strength as reminiscence flooded his mind .

-

Myungsoo walked away from Sunggyu . Sunggyu tried to catch him but apparently he can’t. Sunggyu fastened his pace, then he found himself running. Myungsoo seemed to notice this, but he didn’t make any attempt to run. ‘Ludicrous,’ Sunggyu remembered himself cursed.

‘It is better to let go of life than having it tied to calamity ,’ Myungsoo had said one day. Sunggyu failed to notice the quaintness of the phrase.

‘Spring is a good season to go, isn’t it, Sunggyu? You wither away, but everything around you blossom.’ Again , Sunggyu failed to notice anything , because he was  too busy examining his heart. (Is that all you do?)

‘ How I wish I can be an ice cream right now.’ It was summer that day. Sunggyu thought Myungsoo wanted an ice cream , so he bought one. What he missed was Myungsoo’s wish to melt and evaporate.

‘Do you know Sunggyu ? Sometimes I wished I was never born to this world. I’m not a lucky soul, I guess .‘ Myungsoo’s chuckle could be heard soon after.

This time, Sunggyu answered, but he was too desolate to even spare a look at Myungsoo. ‘I wish I was never born too.’ He answered it almost flawlessly, the words slipping through his lips a bit too slippery , but Sunggyu was honest , just like that , that he was unable to fathom the feeling between Myungsoo’s creased brow. The angst inside Myungsoo’s heart seemed to burst but he was able to hide it impeccably.

‘Promise me, you will never do that. I don’t want to lose you. You know that right?’ Myungsoo held out his pinky and waited for Sunggyu to reciprocate.

‘You’re such a child‘. Their pinky intertwined. ‘ I’ll try .’ His heart instilled back.

 That was the only promise Sunggyu was able to make with Myungsoo.

Sunggyu found himself inside a white dungeon , facing an unkempt white bed . The eeriness of the place made Sunggyu’s eye waver, but he tried to get hold of his heart. He felt his heart beats but he can’t feel the heat. He could see a white cotton cloth, shielding a slender body beneath it. Sunggyu closed his eyes.

It was then Sunggyu realized he will never be able to catch Myungsoo .

 Don’t tell me it’s over. Please don’t tell me it’s over . I don’t want to hear anything . Don’t talk to me you bastard . Don’t say anything, can’t you hear me ?Can’t you hear me ? He’s not dead right? Tell me I’m right. Don’t show that face to me. I don’t need your pity. Is he alright doc? Is my friend alright ? My friend – Myungsoo . I know him . He will never leave me like this. No- he’s not my friend . My friend has beautiful face – my friend has lively soul – my friend smelled like black coffee – my friend has tousled hair  -my friend  has LIVE inside his soul . He’s not my friend . He’s not Myungsoo . He’s not , doc. Why can’t you believe me? His –

‘Kim Myungsoo . Date of death – 28 November , Time -  3.45, evening .Cause of death – leukaemia .’ The doctor let a pregnant pause linger for a while . ‘ My condolence , Kim Sunggyu-sshi.’

Why , why do you leave me, Myungsoo? I promised not to die, I promised that right ? Myungsoo , open your eyes – I said open your eyes – why won’t you hear me ? Don’t run Myungsoo , come back , please …. I beg you . Myungsoo , listen , please listen . Just for this once , please Myungsoo , open your eyes . We have so many things to do , we have so many memories to sketch . Myungsoo , listen to me . I love you – iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou – I freaking love you , Myungsoo . I love you….

Sunggyu felt hot liquid trickled on his cheeks . He was dumbfounded and speechless. He mumbled profanities again, but altered them to constellation when he remembered his promise .

-

‘Sometimes, we lose too much – who will count seconds? It is until we lose them we started to care . Time is precious – even seconds. I really wished I had seconds - sixty would be enough. How I wish I can be by his side and tell him how much I loved him . Sixty seconds – are that too much to ask for?’ Sunggyu asked the stranger beside him. Tears smeared his face – Sunggyu was sure he looked ugly right now.

‘I guess so. Seconds, huh ? I wonder whether I will be able to treasure them. Myungsoo must be proud to have friends like you – I am.’ The stranger asked amiably. He extended his limb and put it to Sunggyu’s shoulder. ‘Say, want to grab coffee with me?‘

‘Maybe we can. I know one place that makes the best coffee in the world. Before that, what’s your name?’ Sunggyu asked.

‘I thought you will never ask. My name’s Woohyun , Nam Woohyun. Nice to meet you, Kim Sunggyu-sshi . Can I drop the honorifics now, Sunggyu?’

‘You may, Woohyun.’ Sunggyu sketched Woohyun’s smile and put it inside his pocket.

 Thanks Myungsoo.

This is the first fic that I post .

Please tell me the errors and ....

I don't know how to put this but have fun  reading !

I wanted to use the name  Physallis Reinette ..

I guess  I need to collect karma points  . *sighs*