Everyone knew I had many relationships, but none of them lasted. First it was Kibum, until he left to pursue his acting career; then it was Hankyung, who left due to health reasons. Both of them did have their own reasons, but did they actually think about how I felt? Especially Hankyung. I'd loved him so much, yet he left without a word. He didn't even talk to me about it, whether as a discussion or as a farewell. He just left. He'd hurt me so badly, everytime I heard anything related to him, be it name or songs, I'd burst into tears. It was that bad. At that point of time, I had sunk into depression. Although it was a long time ago, the memories of it all just come back to haunt me. People say I have milky white skin, but they don't know I put makeup on it. The reason was simple though. If you looked closely enough, you could see the scars; self-inflicted scars of the penknife that Hankyung had left me. They were ugly, I knew it. But from it I had learnt something. Love was blind, until you wake up from it all. I swore never to fall in love again. Things were getting from bad to worse at that point of time. I locked myself up, wondering what I'd done wrong to make him leave. I didn't leave my room for meals, let alone schedules. It was due to sheer guilt. My health took a turn for the worst, until that day. The day I realised that I still had people who cared for me.

I was alone in the room as usual, head buried in my tear-stained pillow. I flipped my pillow to the other side, where the tears had dried, and continued crying into it. Was it my fault for not giving him enough love that he had to leave? Or was it because I didn't pay enough attention to him? Before he left, he showed signs of displeasure with the company, but I ignored him because I thought he was just doing it as aegyo. All these thought reeled in my mind, just like a movie. Act one, act two; it was all an act. Life was a facade. Just then, I heard something that pulled me out of my thoughts. It was an gentle knock on the door. I tried to ignore it, but it became more and more urgent. In the end, the being just entered my room. 

"Hyung, gwenchanayo?" 

I recognised that voice. It sounded like eunhyuk. It was ironic; he was the one who I had the most awkward relationship with, yet he was the first one to talk to me. But then again, that was probably the reason; I'd been angry with him so many times that he isn't scared of me scolding him. I looked up, and saw my suspicions were confirmed, it was eunhyuk. He looked at me, with a seemingly shocked expression. Who could blame him? Since birth, I almost never showed any signs of sadness, only anger. But this time, I was crying; sobbing even. He blinked several times, due to disbelief. 

"Wae?' I asked.

"Nothing, I just thought you should eat. I mean, it's time to let go. He may not be with us anymore, but that does not stop you two from becoming friends. Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never in heart. Yes, he's now in china, but that doesn't mean that you two aren't close anymore. He said it himself, that you, Kim Heechul, remains to be his best friend. So why are you doing this to yourself? You're not only hurting yourself, you're also hurting him, us, and the fans. Ever since you became like this, Teukie hyung has never been able to eat properly, for he thinks he has failed as a leader. Donghae has been crying everyday, for he feels sorry for not being able to cheer you up. We have been praying eveyday for you, that you'll be normal self again. Even if we may not be able to give you as much as what Hankyung gave you, we still love you very much, whether as members, friends, or family." 

I merely nodded, but deep inside I was surprised at how they cared for me when I wasn't that close to most of them. 

"Just curious, but why do you suddenly come to tell me this?" I asked.

"Eh, Donghae has been crying everyday, but he doesn't dare to tell you face to face, so i'm doing this for him," he replied simply.

Slowly, I began to venture out of my room. I saw the members lying around asleep, Donghae was sleeping on the sofa. His head was leaned back eyes closed, seemingly exhausted. I went up to him and kissed him.

"Ya hae, thanks for everything." 

Although he didn't open his eyes, I knew he heard me in his sleep, for he gave a gentle smile and nodded. 

Walking away, I whispered, "lee donghae, saranghae".