I came to school like the usual, at around 7am, wearing a green pique shirt, jeans and a pair of black and white chucks. All eyes are on me as I stepped inside the building. OK, it’s not the “usual day” actually, it’s the first day of a new semester, and I am a new student. It’s my junior year in college that I transferred schools, and it , leaving my friends in my old school. The reason? I ought not to tell you. It pains my heart to think of the reason, so I’ll lay off of it here OK? Anyways, everybody looked at me ‘coz, I’m not wearing the specified uniform, I’m wearing civilian clothes… yes… civilian clothes, if there’s something that screams “NEWBIE”  that’s what I am wearing, So much for me being discreet in my new school.

                                    Me lost in the river of a new environment that I took alone. I met 2 people, I’ll call them Bee and Vee. We became instant friends, we shared a common thing… we’re all new students. I found comfort in them, I still kept my contact with my friends from my old school, but you know it’s hard to keep in track with everything, when you yourself are busy getting used to your new environment. Bee and Vee, they are my MVF… my most valuable friends, best friends as you call it. But I think valuable is a much better description, coz we value each other so much,  we have been each other’s sponge, from good times to bad, to just spazzing on our crushes, and cursing our annoying professors. We became each other’s “newbie” support system, aside from our families.

                               It had been a year already, and Bee, Vee and me blended through the river of our school. Then, one day, we had an assignment on our Communications class, which we have to memorize a poem and do some interesting twist on it when we recite it in front of the class. Well, me being the nutcase of our group, I sang and danced the poem in the tune of Wonder Girls’ So Hot, just think the poem Desiderata danced like that. Hahaha! When I danced, someone saw me, Yunho. He’s our class representative; he’s currently in the scout looking for dancers for our upcoming college week, to represent our Course, through a competition, a street dance. I’m not saying that I am the best dancer, but, I think I dance pretty well, I can keep up with the beat, Yunho called me up and recruited me to join. But the chicken that I am, I invited Vee to join with me, which she gladly accepted. I love her for that.

                              In the course of our training for the competition, Yunho was always there for us, giving us food, water, and just being our support. Also, have I told you? Yunho is a student council officer, he’s in charge of the Street Dance Competition funds and the supervision of the dancers, and hence, he’s always present and ready to be there when we need something, our over all errands boy. In the course of the training, we met the other dancers; they are waaaaay much better than I am, prettier, skinnier, more graceful, actually, I am at the bottom of the pack. I’m not the usual dancer; I am on the heavy side actually. We met them and we instantly became friends with them, they became our, drinking buddies. I actually don’t drink so… We would go out, they go to drink, while me, and I’ll go for beer buffers plus some soda. I constantly thanked Yunho for recruiting me, dancing gave back the happiness that I lost when I transferred schools. I used to dance way back in HS and a bit in my old college. I lost the drive to dance, ‘coz, as you can see, I got depressed when I transferred [hence, I still can’t tell you the reason why I transferred… lol but it’s really depressing.].

In the dance group, Vee and I met Jaejoong. He’s the Michael Jackson type of dancer. Jae is a very huge fan of MJ. He’s really impressive, with his dance moves and all. We became instant friends. With his introverted personality, he wanted to join the dance group so that he can express himself. He’s dorky, and random. We would talk about anything, chat on facebook, Chat on Yahoo Messenger, we text each other, talk about school and our plans for the future, everything that we can think of. He became an instant friend. Sometimes we would hang out and sing at Karaoke bars, and I think Jaejoong is really a good singer. He’s really easy on the eyes too. Well, not really. Haha! He’s the male version of my MVFs. I just got so comfortable with him.

                                  When we graduated from college, we had to review for a licensure exam, the 3 of us, Me, Vee and Bee. Jae had been in constant touch with us, he even enrolled in the review center that we joined in and even had the same class. I grew fond of Jaejoong, realizing that he’s really a good guy, we would throw each other test questions and try to answer it very carefully, and we became study buddies. Sometimes when I got bored of studying at home, he would give me some movie suggestions, and some other tips when studying, he’s really the dork, a computer geek to be exact. When we had our mock exams, he gave me a boost up when I thought I failed. HE told me to keep my head up and try to focus, review more; he gave me a hug when I really was feeling blue and depressed, I was grade grubbing, he became another a big wall of support, other than Bee and Vee with my family. I can say he gave me the inspiration to do my best. I liked Jaejoong, I really do. Bee and Vee knew about it, I’ve been open to them; it was the first time that I felt like that... Bee would laugh at me and say that I am a late bloomer. I laugh at her, saying that I am not, but I guess I am one. Experiencing such feelings towards someone at such a late age. *sigh*  

                              I secretly liked him. Every time he texts me, PM me on facebook, anything that concerns him, my heart flutters, it gives me butterflies in my stomach, I would squirm and do this happy dance. I was leaving for Switzerland and I wanted the 4 of us would go and see a movie a few weeks before I leave, but in the last minute, Bee and Vee cancelled. Jaejoong was already at the mall waiting for us, so I had no choice but to go there and meet with him and watch the movie together. It scared the out of me being with him alone, in a movie house… I wanted to cancel but it would be a bummer for him if no one showed up right? So I took it all in, all, my fear of being alone with him, I took all the strength in my heart, just to accompany him.

Would you call it a date? We spent the day together and ate… we are two friends hanging out with each other; the day went great, the movie, the food. We were happy, until we had to go home. It was already dark, I had to ride the train so I fell in line and he had to go the other way home, he was about to leave and we’ll go our separate ways, he leaned over to give me a goodbye hug, but instead I gave him a high five and a wave. WTF? That was awkward!!!! I used to give him a kiss on the cheek or that goodbye hug when we part ways, but I gave him a high five and a wave? What was that?  That was the last time I saw him when I got left for Switzerland.

                              The first time I got online when I was in Switzerland, Jaejoong was the first person to chat with me, to check up on me. I was happy. He was concerned about my flight, how was I doing, curious of how things are with me... Facebook, and Yahoo Messenger, and skype [well, he doesn’t have a skype account... haha!], were the only line from home for me, and he was always online and ready to chat with me, he helped me bridge the gap of home sickness by being always available. I liked him more because of that.

                           I bought Jae a souvenir from Switzerland; actually I bought almost all my friends a souvenir. I was happy that he liked what I gave him, a cheese magnet. Lately, we’ve been busy with life and such, that we don’t get the chance to meet. But we still have an open communication, with FB and texting and stuff. I continued to like him. He would update me from time to time of his whereabouts, what he was doing, I did too, tell him about stuff that I was recently doing. He often suggests movies, and series to watch. JAejoong always wanted to share a piece of what kind of entertainment that he likes to me, so that, I guess, he has someone to chat with? I always found time to look it up online, even just to know the synopsis of the series, just to say something back at him.

Jaejoong decided that he wanted to study again; he wanted to have another Bachelor’s degree in Information Technology. I was all ears to him when he told me his plans, I supported him. I was even excited for him. He told me his heart is not into the Medical field, so I understood what he wanted. Again, we got busy, in my heart, he’s always there. I am always here to support him. Since he’s in a new environment, he had to adjust again. He met new friends, do other activities.  

                      Recently, Jaejoong was excited about something; he was over the top about it.     I was excited for what he was excited about, even though I don’t have any idea what it was. He said he was going to dance again. He told me they are going to dance an interpretative dance. I laughed at him, but still I was very happy for him, it was one of his loves, dancing, he invited me to come and watch him rehearse with his partner, but time won’t let me, I have been busy. But I constantly checked up on him and his rehearsals, their venues, I text him, even call him. He was grateful for my support for him. I am always happy to be there for him.

                          Last night Jaejoong chatted with me, he said he had a problem. Being me, liking him, I was worried. Problem? What kind of problem? He told me some one was spreading rumors about him, and he can’t take it anymore, if he thinks about it he thinks of breaking down. Then I asked him what it was about, it pains my heart to see him like this. Then he said... “There is this girl that I LOVE. And she’s hears about this rumors spreading around my school. And it affects her, we are doing well. Until that rumor. It’s devastating.” And there it was... it kept playing in my head, “THERE IS THIS GIRL THAT I LOVE.” Replaying over and over again. My mind went blank. All I said was... “OH MY GOD!”  I acted concerned about him, but in my heart everything crashed. Like a glass filled with water, it broke its contents on the floor. My feelings like the water, it flowed out of my heart. But still, I ended up giving him an advice to go on with the girl. It felt like my heart has been stabbed by a dagger. Ouch.

                   So this is what it’s like, being broken hearted. I hate myself, for not telling him how I feel. Now it’s too late. He has someone that he likes... more so... someone that he loves. I don’t know... I am stuck with friend zone. I’m always at friend zone. My head, mushy, my heart aching, even my cooking; now it’s bad. I don’t know. It hurts.