It was a chilly winter's day, the sky was a emotionless dark grey expanse, and Haeun predicted that snow would fall by evening. The streets were cluttered with couples holding hands, hugging, kissing and being generally affectionate, and the romanticism wasn't age restricted. Haeun saw an elderly man presenting his wife with a single red rose, and the woman looked lovingly at him, tears welling in her eyes.

It was then that Haeun looked away, leaving the couple to their privacy, but mostly she looked away because it filled her with a feeling of longing. Longing for that kind of love, but who was she kidding? Loving only left her in pain.

Valentine's Day never failed to leave Haeun in a state of melancholy. Although, she knew the reason why, it didn't stop her from rejecting the thought whenever it entered her mind and trying her best to focus on something else, anything. She was lonely, that was undoubtable.

Truth be told, she missed him, but she would always seem to find a way to put him in the back of her mind, but not today. Never today. Today would be the day where she missed him terribly, longed for him. She'd feel the side effects of this day for weeks to come, and she'd spend all year trying to numb the feelings, only to have them cruelly pulled back to the surface on this very day.

She supposed it was because wherever she turned, she would be surrounded by happy couples, with the ones they loved, when she wasn't. She absolutely hated herself for being this pathetic and ruled by her emotions, she hated the fact that she felt this way at all.

Haeun felt something cold on her cheek, and she wiped the flake of snow off of her face. Being back home in such an atmosphere made her feel nolstalgic and flashes of childhood snowball fights played in her mind.

She tugged her beanie down and pulled her large coat closer to her body, the temperature had already dropped a few degrees. She still continued on her way, although she noticed the streets were already clearing, people rushing into their homes, as if a few flakes of frozen water would kill them.

Haeun took a deep breath of the frigid air, and slowly let it out, savouring the coolness of it. To her, the colder the air, the more it felt like an actual breath, the more refreshing the breath was. Hot, humid days always left her unsatisfied.

Haeun took note of the street lamps turning on, and guessed it to be around 7pm. It always got dark early in the winter. But that didn't matter, she was almost there, and her eyes saw fine, even without the street lamps on. The snow crunched beneath her feet, and she wiped the thin white sheet off her coat. She turned into the entrance of the garden and her eyes lit up at the beautiful sight. A blanket of white covered everything, the tea lamps were reflecting off of the surface of the frozen pond, it was breathtaking.

There was a pagoda that was dimly lit with lanterns, and Haeun walked in, out of the snow and sat down. Haeun was freezing, she felt the cold in her bones, and couldn't shake it. She reached into her coat pocket, pulling out the tattered envelope her mother had forced upon her. She hadn't opened it yet, but she suspected it was from him, she didn't know why, just that she had a feeling. Haeun looked down at the envelope in her hands, biting her lip as she turned it over and pulled out the page that was inside. Her heartbeat started racing as she opened it up, and saw that it was his handwriting.

"Haeun,
It's been a long time, hasn't it? Coming up three years, time passes so quickly. Yet, it seems long when I think about the last time I saw you. That day, you were still smiling and encouraging me even though I know on the inside you were breaking.
Do you remember what you said when I told you I was leaving? You said, 'If it makes you happy, that's all that matters.'
But you were wrong, Haeun. It's not all that matters, because you matter too. You matter so much and I wish I told you that then, but I was scared of my own feelings. I couldn't confess, knowing that I was leaving, you had a future ahead of you and I didn't want to burden you. But this seems worse, because now I don't have you in my life at all.
Despite what you may think, I want you to know that I never stopped thinking about you, never stopped caring. On my toughest days I remember your smile and it gives me strength to continue and make you proud. I hope one day I can become a person that you're proud of.
Happy Valentine's Day, Haeun.
I miss you always.
  -  Jongin."

Haeun began to sob silently. She wrapped her arms around her knees and just cried. It seemed crueler somehow, knowing that after all this time he felt the same way as her but also knowing that they can't be together. Fate sure has bad timing. Haeun let out her tears until there were no more tears left, and after an immeasurable amount of time, right in the middle of the garden, under the pagoda her eyes closed and she drifted off to sleep.

xxx

It was snowing, the air was bitterly cold and the night was pitch black. Jongin pulled his hood closer to his face, he couldn't been seen back here. Although the streets were vacant, Jongin was cautious, making sure he wasn't recognised. It was Valentine's Day. Haeun would probably have recieved his letter. He wondered how she was, how she would take it. He hadn't said half the things he wanted to in the letter.

He didn't want to cause her more pain, that's why telling her that he loved her would only make things worse. He loved Haeun, and he didn't remember a time when he didn't love her. But he knew that the life he chose wouldn't be fair for her, relentless fans and unwanted attention, not being able to see each other for weeks at a time.  That is why he left without confessing his love, something he now regretted.

Jongin was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't even notice that his feet had taken him to the gardens. This place was where Haeun always used to go when she was upset. When she didn't do well on a test, when her parents fought, and when Jongin told her he was accepted into SM as a trainee, she came here. It was her place to think, and it seems it was Jongin's too.

Jongin walked a little further into the gardens, and noticed the pond was frozen over. He froze too when he saw someone huddled over in the pagoda. It was dimly lit, but it looked like the person was sleeping. What would someone be doing out in this weather? And sleeping, no less.

Jongin shook his head, if this person wanted to freeze to death, then they can go for it. Jongin turned to leave, when he heard it. "Jongin.." The voice behind him clearly just said his name. How can they know it was him? His face was hidden. "Jongin!" He heard it again, this time he recognised the voice. The voice of the girl he loved but hadn't seen in three years. His heart was pounding when he  turned around and saw her. But she was still asleep, she must have been having a dream.

She had a frown on her face even in sleep, Jongin cautiously moved closer. She had a piece of paper gripped in her hand and she was shivering. He stepped under the pagoda, his eyes set on her face. She looked tired, like she hadn't slept in days and she was pale. But even so, she was beautiful. Jongin knew he should go, she could wake up any minute, but he found himself wanting nothing but to wrap his arms around her and never let go.

Besides, he couldn't leave her out here in this weather. This was what he wanted, wasn't it? To see her again? Haeun's fists clenched, her breathing was uneven and Jongin knew she was having a nightmare. He bent down in front of her and hesitantly held her cold hand in his. "Haeun, wake up." Jongin gently squeezed her hand to try and wake her; he didn't want to scare her. Haeun only stirred a little at first, but soon after her eyelids fluttered open and she looked down at Jongin with a dazed expression.

Haeun blinked, not believing her eyes. In fact, she thought she was still dreaming. Jongin's hand was wrapped around hers and he regarded her with a cautious expression, unsure of what to expect. "Haeun, are you all right?" Jongin asked quietly, his eyebrows raised in concern. Haeun had dreamed about him many times before, but it never seemed this real and it was like a punch to the gut to her.

"This is too hard.." Haeun mumbled to herself, but it was loud enough for him to hear. Jongin's face fell, confused by her response. Does she not recognise me? Haeun pulled her hand out his and looked at Jongin accusingly. His heart sank.

"Why do I always do this to myself?" Her voice was broken, tears welling up in her eyes. Jongin panicked, he reached out to comfort her but she shoved him away. It hurt him to see her like this, did she hate him now? The tears in her eyes spilled out onto her cheeks, Jongin had to stop himself from reaching over to wipe them away. Haeun looked down, suppressing the urge to run into his arms and succumb to her dream.

"Please, I want to wake up now." Haeun's words came out between small sobs, and Jongin eyes widened. He closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her, encircled Haeun with his warmth. "Haeun, I'm here. It's real. I'm right here."

Haeun stiffened in his arms; it's real. Jongin is really here and he's hugging her. She didn't ask questions, she was just so overcome. Haeun slowly and gently circled her arms around his waist as if he'd disappear if she wasn't careful. Jongin felt her arms around him and it felt better than he'd remembered. Her head rested in the crook of his neck and Jongin could feel her slow breath tickling his neck. "Kai, right?" Haeun whispered, her arms tightened around his waist.

Jongin immediately didn't like Haeun calling him by his stage name. It felt alien to him, coming from . He was still her Jongin, the very same person that grew up with her, that fell in love with her. He worried that maybe she had replaced the memories of Jongin with Kai, the guy that the public knew him as. And worse, that she liked Kai better. That very thought made him feel insecure. "Who do you want me to be?"

Haeun was silent and for a while Jongin wondered if she had heard him over the sound of the wind. "Kim Jongin." Haeun answered finally, with a little more force to her tone, because to her it was obvious. Kai was like a mirage, visually it's everything that she wants and yearns for but there's no substance to a mirage. A mirage isn't real. She wanted the oasis, the real deal; she wanted Jongin. Jongin kept his arms around her and she didn't let go either.

Despite hearing Haeun pick him over Kai, Jongin still felt unsure, he needed a reason because there were plenty of reasons for her not to choose him. He pulled his head back enough so that they could look at each other. Haeun's nose had turned pink from the cold and she greeted him with a open expression. Jongin met her gaze with one of his own; apprehension.

"Why?"

Haeun almost smacked him on the head right there, but he had sounded so vulnerable and sincere, she was almost stunned. He really doesn't know about my feelings for him? She thought by now it was obvious. But Jongin was never that good at reading the signs, she had learned that the hard way.

So now was the time to tell him, she thought and for once she wasn't afraid. Because she didn't want to regret things anymore, and she was ready. Haeun took a deep breath to steady herself, and she hesitantly reached up to run her fingertips along the side of his face and a determined look flashed in her eyes. "Because he's the one I'm in love with."

Jongin eyes widened in comprehension, he was stunned at Haeun's confession. He wondered if she had always felt like this. Meanwhile, Haeun had started to panic a little. She had just confessed her heart to Jongin and he just stood there looking at her with a dazed expression.

What if he's changed his mind about me? Haeun thought, feeling sick. She didn't want to lose him again, she'd just been reunited with him after three long years and she didn't want there to be any more time between them. It felt like her heart was in , but it was too late to take it back now.

"Haeun, I love you. I hate how much time has passed without you knowing that. I was so confused, I mean how was I supposed to tell my best friend that I'm in love with her, knowing I was leaving? I couldn't. So I tried to forget about you." Jongin's voice was pained as he remembered.

Haeun understood, she had tried to do the same and it was like running away from someone only to realise they are a part of yourself; and that's something that is impossible to outrun. The best she could do was try not to acknowledge it, but honestly it's like the elephant in the room. You sure as hell can't miss it and it's damn hard to ignore that elephant. Long story short; it's hopeless.

"Weeks, months, years passed and it was like I loved you more every day. I couldn't forget and I didn't want to. I sent you that letter, not knowing if you hated me, if you had moved on, if you even cared." Of course I cared, you idiot. Haeun thought, her heart felt like it was going to explode. Her tummy was doing little flips, she was nervous and anxious but she tried to ignore that feeling because she still felt annoyed at him.

"Do you know how hard that was for me? I thought you knew about how I felt. Was I really not obvious enough? Did I have to paint it on my forehead for you to get it? Honestly, you're so dense sometimes!" Haeun huffed, crossing her arms. Jongin couldn't stop the smile that spread across his lips when she said that, she was so endearing when she was angry.

"Hey, stop smiling! I'm still annoyed with you!" Haeun scowled, but really she wasn't that mad, she just wanted to mess with him a little. She hadn't done it in such a long time. Jongin knew she wasn't really upset either, it surprised him that even though he hadn't seen her in so long he could still tell when she was playing around.

"I can't help it you know," Jongin started, moving his face closer to hers, "your expression is just so cute." Haeun's heart lept into at his close proximity and she could feel his warm breath on her face. Are you gonna kiss me? She thought, but he just kept looking at her with an amused look on his face.

Haeun wanted to wipe that look off his face, so without giving it a second thought, she leaned in and pressed her lips against his. They'd kissed each other once before on a dare, but they were seven and Haeun definitely didn't remember feeling this way about it. Her heart was pounding so loudly she just hoped he didn't hear it.

She pulled away, losing some of her nerve but when she saw Jongin's expression, she had to hold in her laughter. He looked really cute with his eyes wide and cheeks flushed, Haeun felt a little dazed herself.  "Jongin are you blushing?" She smiled, reaching up to rub his cheek. He caught her hand and held it there, a smile forming on his lips.

"I wanted to kiss you first." Jongin recovered, his mind also going back to that day when they were dared to kiss each other. He remembered telling her that they didn't have to, but her being stubborn didn't want to back down from the dare in front of their classmates even though he knew she was nervous. He was nervous too; it was both their first kiss but he also felt happy because he didn't want it to be anyone else but him that gave her first kiss.

"Well, my lips are all yours." Haeun replied, linking her arms behind his neck. Jongin raised a brow, he knew what she was saying and the idea of it made him want it badly. "Mine?" His eyes were locked on her eyes and to him there was no doubt on whether he wanted to be with her. He'd wanted that for a long time.

Haeun smiled and nodded, Jongin's deep-in-thought expression right now is just making her so nervous. He's holding her heart tight in his hands and she's feeling vulnerable like she never has before.

"It's not going to be easy, whether we keep it a secret or tell the public, but either way, I don't care. I don't want easy, I want you." Jongin explained, leaning closer to brush a strand of her hair from her face.

Suddenly, it was like his grip on Haeun's heart loosened and she felt like he was going to take good care of it. He pulled her close to him and wrapped his arms around her tightly. "It's freezing, we should get you out of this weather." Jongin mumbled as he pulled her beanie down a little lower.

Haeun smiled at little at his reaction, pulling away reluctantly from his arms. "Quite the concerned boyfriend, aren't you?" She teased, her tone was light with fake aegyo and he smiled when she called him 'boyfriend'.  "That I am, you better get used to it, baby!" He played along, linking his fingers with hers. His aegyo was surprisingly good but it was so out of character it made her laugh.

"Hey, it's not that bad!" He pouted cutely, and Haeun almost lost it when she saw his thick, oh-so-kissable lips. "Jongin stop doing that, it's too much!" She complained but really she was kinda enjoying it. "You say that but your face is all red, you secretly like it don't you?" He poked her cheek and she swatted his hand away.

"Y-yah, as if! My cheeks are just red because of the cold, pabo!" Haeun retorted, bringing her hands up to cup her cheeks. Jongin chuckled and pulled her hands away from her face. "It's okay if you like it, I mean who wouldn't?" Haeun rolled her eyes. Still so modest. She thought sarcastically.

"I'm just kidding." Jongin leaned down and gave her a soft kiss on the lips, before holding out his hand for her to take. "Come on I'll walk you home." Haeun took his hand, grateful that the snowing had subsided. The white blanketed everything in sight and it was stunning, but very cold.

She didn't feel the cold as much as before though, and maybe it was because she had Jongin beside her keeping her warm or maybe it was because she was buzzing with feelings of love, she really wasn't sure. But as they walked hand in hand down the empty footpath, she came to realise that maybe Valentine's Day wasn't so bad after all.