He was just a stranger to me. I’d never seen him before. But in a place like this everyone eventually became your friend. I was in the center of the ward. It’s where everyone was during the day if they weren’t in their session.  He’s probably been here for a week or two before today but nobody got to see him, it usually takes a week for them to trust you to be left anywhere aside from your room or with the doctor.

It was morning. Not very nice but still morning. I hated morning they always brought a new day which meant that I had to do things, but not anymore. When I was out in the real world I used to go to school or work and live my life as if I was normal but that’s obviously a lie since I’m now here. I’ve been here for almost a year. This place isn’t like others; here you don’t get out no matter how normal you are after a while. But then again you can’t be normal in a place like this, in a place filled with social outcasts, schizophrenics, suicidal, and just plain insane people. I guess you could say I’m a bit of a nut job. I used to think I was normal, my parents sent me to a normal school and everything, I grew up pretty normal until the day I snapped.  Something in me stopped working and I was no longer myself. I hardly ever got up, I never wanted to leave my house, I stopped eating, I eventually stopped doing everything. I can’t remember exactly why I’m here but I guess there’s something that needs to be fixed but this place isn’t helping.

I walked up to the new guy and sat next to him. I didn’t talk to him; I just sat there next to him. He looked over at me and just stared with a blank expression.  When he was done looking he went back to staring and the wall.  I didn’t mind. He must not talk very much. So we sat there in silence just staring at the wall until they called us to go and get out lunch. I saw him stand, but instead of just walking he stood there looking at me until I stood up then he proceeded to walk as I trailed behind him.  We got in line to get out food and afterwards we sat down at a table where one of the caretakers would walk around and make sure we’d eat out food, but they mainly just paid attentions to those that had eating disorders. We sat across from each other and I saw him pick at his food before he started eating. I wondered if he was one of those with eating disorders considering how skinny he was. 

His bones poked out from his wrists and I could see that his shirt hung offally loose on his frame even he got one of the smaller sizes that they offered.  I looked at him eat until he stopped and looked up to meet my eyes, to which I looked down and began to eat.  When I felt his gaze leave me I looked at him and noticed his face was young and pure, and you could tell that he was as young as he looked.  In a way his porcelain skin looked sickening. It was so smooth and clear. It seemed as he hadn’t ever went through puberty and just skipped out on acne and anything else that’d damage your skin. I looked down and his hand that was holding his fork and I saw his fingers long and perfectly white, no sign of ever doing any sort of drugs. And that’s when I question why he was here to begin with. He didn’t look like he did any drugs, or had an eating disorder (by the way he was eating), and he seemed pretty put together, so I wondered, what made him come here, and most importantly, who?

When we were done with our meal we got up and left and once again went to center of the ward. Only this time he stopped by the book shelves and grabbed a book. It seemed like he didn’t really look at it. He just grabbed it and continued walking towards the couch. When he sat there I sat on the other end with my legged crossed facing him, studying him. Usually I’d already introduced myself but he seemed different almost as if he was worth more and a simple introduction wouldn’t do it. I sat there and watched him read. He didn’t move aside from him hand that would flip to the next page.  When he was half way done with the book they told to head to our room and I realized that the whole day I’d spent it with him and I hadn’t really spoken a word.  He folded the corner of the book and headed towards the bookshelf to put it back. He then turned to look at me as if waiting for me like earlier at our meal time. I got up from my spot on the couch and walked towards him. When I reached him he started walking and headed down the hall. He stopped at room number 36. He opened the door and turned to me and waved. Walked in and closed the door behind him.  I stood there for a moment then continued to walk to my room.

That night I slept like usual, with the help of the sleeping pills that they gave me.  I usually didn’t dream but that night I did. I dreamed of how my life was before I entered here.  Now I look at it and wonder what it was like to be like that. I never questioned being here. I didn’t resist when my parents brought me here, I just came and slumped and my bed when I got here. After about a week they let me go out of the room seeing that I wasn’t any harm to any of the other patients. The first few days that I was out I just walked around memorizing where everything was. I didn’t really talk to anyone aside from the therapist and the nurses. Then slowly I became friends with some of the other patients but some of them forget and it’s almost as if we’ve never met only that he’s the only one that doesn’t remember. Afterwards they put him in a different part of the ward and I haven’t really seen him. My parent’s only come to see me maybe once a month at most. I don’t really mind. I like being here in a way. I don’t have to do anything. I’m never pressured to do things. I don’t have to join in on the activities that the ward offers and I don’t get in trouble if I say that I just want to sleep all day. The only things I have to do is take my medication and visit my therapist twice a week.

When the morning came I went into the center and walked up to the book shelves and searched for the book that he was reading yesterday. When I found it I grabbed it and made my way to the couch.  I waited about an hour before he showed up again. He walked to the bookshelves but walked towards the couch with a disappointed look on his face. When he sat down he smiled and me and then just looked at the wall. I remembered that I had the book that he was looking for before and placed it on his lap. He looked down and a small smile appeared on his face. He picked up the book and opened it the page he was on the day before. Once again he sat there reading and I looked at him. In a way I was mesmerized by his looks. He looked the same as yesterday yet more beautiful.  When he finished the book he set it down at the small table next to the couch and then pulled out a small notepad and a pen from his pocket.  He opened it and began to write something in it.  When he was done he handed me the pad.

Thank you for saving the book for me.

“It’s no problem. You seemed to be enjoying it yesterday so I thought you’d like to finish it.”

                He nodded and took the pad from my extended hand.

“Can you not talk? Or do you like to write things down better?”

                He looked at me and then began to write in his notepad again. When he was done he handed it to me so I could read.

I can talk. Everyone makes fun of me when I talk though. I stutter a lot I get nervous which makes it worse. Yet people still make fun of me for writing things down and always being quiet.

                When I looked up again he had a worried look in his eyes. I smiled at him and nodded.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind. I’m Dongwoo by the way.”

Sung Jong.

“It’s nice to meet you Sung Jong. It’s almost lunch time do you want to head over and get there early?”

                He smiled at me and nodded. I stood up and waited for him this time. We walked over the eating area and sat down at one of the table waiting for the food to be finished. We sat there just looking at one another until I spoke up.

“Do you mind me asking why you’re in here?”

                He shook his head and pulled out his note pad and began to write. This time he took a while longer and wrote almost a full page.

I’ve tried killing myself. The first time my parents took it as some sort of teenage rebellion with drugs and scolded me. The second time is when they noticed I was doing it on purpose and they sent me to rehab. After I was out I tried again and I was almost there but my parent found me half dead, and by the time I reached the hospital they had to shock me to get my heart beating again .Instead of spending money on rehab again they brought me here.

                When he handed me the pad I read through it and realized that he was one of them, he was one of those that didn’t really care about anything anymore.

“Why did you try to kill yourself?”

There was nothing to live for. My grades in school were average, I didn’t have a boyfriend, my parent’s didn’t really pay attention to me, and I was just a waste. I didn’t want to live a mediocre life the rest of my life. I also have anxiety attacks, a stuttering disorder, and selective mutism. I wanted to be different but I could never make anything of myself, so why waste everyone else’s time and money on me.

                As I read through I realized that we were both the same. We wanted everything yet achieved nothing.  We wanted the world yet did nothing to accomplish it. I just nodded in acknowledgement and handed the notebook back to him. I noticed that others had come into the dining area and were already eating. We stood up and walked to get out food and then sat back down at the same table. 

We didn’t really do anything afterwards. We went back to sit at the couch and we just sat there leaning against one another. When it was time to get our medicine we went and lined up, afterwards Sung Jong motioned that he was going to go back to his room. I nodded but he took my hand and led me towards his room. I didn’t know what to think of it so I just let him lead me to his room. When we were inside I noticed it was the same as my room, and every other room in this place.  The walls a light peach color and the furniture white. I saw that he had a book shelf filled with book, none of the spines faced us they were all backwards. I wondered why but I never voiced it I just looked at them for a bit before returning my attention to Sung Jong who had taken a seat on his bed. He patted the area next to where he was sitting on the bed and I took it to sit next to him. When I sat down he scooted closer to me to where our thighs were touching and then he leaned his head on my shoulder. I didn’t really know what to do so I just sat there listening to his even breathing until I felt his face move closer to my neck and I felt his breathe on my neck, I looked down at him and saw that he had fallen asleep.  I pushed him lightly onto the bed and tucked him in. when I was about to leave I felt him hand grabbing onto my wrist. I sat back down onto the bed but then I felt Sung Jong’s hand leave my wrist and felt him stir. He sat up slightly with sleep still in his eyes; he then hugged me and pulled me down onto the bed with him. He lay his head on my chest and fell back asleep.

I fell asleep not long after he did but I was awaken a couple hours later by a nurse saying that I had to go and sleep in my own room. She left the room and I got out of bed with Sung Jong and headed to my room for the night. That night I didn’t really sleep a lot since I had slept half of the day. I sat at my desk just staring out of the small window in my room thinking of what life would’ve been if I wasn’t here and if I hadn’t snapped that day. What would it be like: would I have a family, would I still be working in the same place, would my friends be a different group of people or the same small group? All these things ran through my mind but the most important question that surfaced was if I would be happy out there.

The next morning I woke up and I on my desk having fallen asleep there after blankly staring out my window.  I felt a pain in my back from sleeping on my desk and groaned as I stood up to go about my day. It was weekend and families visited these two days. I wasn’t expecting anyone so I just did my usual routine as always. When I went to the center I didn’t see Sung Jong sitting there. One of the nurses saw me and had seen the disappointment in my face and walked up to me telling me that Sung Jong had a visitor so he might not be able to be with me that day. I nodded and just sat on the couch waiting for something to happen. When I felt the couch sink next to me I looked and saw Sung Jong sitting there with a girl around his age. He leaned on my shoulder and then pulled out his notebook and began to write something. He showed it to me and I read that the girl was his older sister. I smiled at her and shook her hand.

“Hi, I’m Dongwoo.”

“I’m Eun Jung.”

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. Sung Jong told me about you. I’m happy he’s made a friend here. I didn’t think he’d meet a friend because of how he is.”

“I don’t know if you know this, but no one here is exactly normal.”

“I guess you’re right.”

A few months after Sung Jong arrived the weather was nice and we were let out to roam the property and the garden that was kept. Instead of sitting on the couch or being in the game room Sung Jong and I would walk around the premises and look at the plants that were kept. After some convincing to the nurses they gave us permission to water and take care of the plants on a daily basis.  Over the months that Sung Jong was here I experienced the reason why he was in here to begin with. I experienced him have panic attacks to the point that the nurses would have to put him to sleep because nothing else worked. After each one I couldn’t see him for two days because he was still in a daze from the medication and was pretty much out of it. When we were alone in the garden sometimes he’d try and talk to me but it would always end in him getting frustrated in himself and just stopping. I never pushed him to speak, it was always his choice. Sometimes we would take naps in the garden in between the overgrown trees and Rose bushes. 

Over the months we’ve become extremely close and more than friends. At first it was just comfort for being in such a place but afterwards our feelings grew for each other and we became a couple. We started with just holding hands and being really close to one another. Sung Jong was the kissed me first. It was sweet and very innocent. We haven’t done anything from kissing; we see no need to go any further.  After we became a couple Sung Jong’s been trying harder and harder to speak full sentences without stuttering and it’s gotten better. He still likes to write things down though. I don’t mind, I find it cute that he’s still trying to do something that he’s not used to. 

Today was another visiting day; Eun Jung came to visit Sung Jong and me. After a while she stopped saying she came to visit Sung Jong and said she came to visit the both of us. She hadn’t been to the garden with us so we decided to take her to see what we’d done with it. She walked slightly behind us on our way, we heard a small shutter sound and we turned to see Eun Jung with her phone taking pictures of us as we walked hand in hand.  Sung Jong’s eyes opened wide in shock that his sister took a picture of them and his cheeks began to get a pink tint to them. Again the shutter sound was heard as Sung Jong hid behind me.

“S-s-s-st-stop.”

                Sung Jong’s voice came out small. I turned and I saw him facing the ground with his cheeks a bright red from embarrassment. We heard Eun Jung let out a small laugh as she walked to us her phone now in her pocket and she held Sung Jong’s hand in hers.

“I can’t help it. My baby brother is in love and it’s adorable. I’m going to show mom and dad when I go home. I bet they’ll be so happy to see you found someone who makes you happy. And look you’ve even started talking again. “

                Sung Jong’s eyes increased in size not having noticed that he’d spoken a word. He felt Eun Jung’s hand leave his and saw it rest at her side. His other hand still in Dongwoo’s felt warm and the warmth on his face only increased. He turned to head towards the garden again only this time trying to his the blush on his cheeks.  Dongwoo followed as he motioned Eun Jung to follow. When they made it to the garden Eun Jung roamed around looking at the diversity of plants in the area as Dongwoo and Sung Jong sat at a bench within the garden. When Eun Jung was done exploring she sat next to them on the bench. She turned to them with a serious look on her face.

“Sung Jong… are you happy here?”

                Sung Jong looked down at his hand that was interlaced with Dongwoo’s and smiled, then looked and nodded.

“The doctor said that you’ve made a big improvement compared to how you were when you first got here. He said we can take you out if we want, that there wouldn’t be a problem having you home as long as we don’t stress you out a lot.”

                Sung Jong looked at Dongwoo with sadness evident in his eyes and then looked back at his sister.

“Mom and dad want you home. I want you home. But I don’t want to take you away from Dongwoo, not if he’s the thing that makes you happy. It’s up to you if you want to go home or stay here. I just want you to know that if you do go home, everything’s different. Everyone will treat you differently, everyone treat you like you’re some fragile being and you could shatter at any moment. And, if you chose to stay here you won’t’ see mom and dad. They said they don’t want to see you in a place like this. Mom isn’t strong enough to be able to see you here without breaking down, you know that. Dad’s to prideful to ever come here and says he’s sorry but he’s also too scared to see what he caused.”

                Sung Jong’s hand that held Dongwoo’s tightened. He missed his parents but Dongwoo was what made him happy. His parent’s broke him while Dongwoo took his time and fixed him without any pressures. He knew that if he went home he’d have the pressures of running the company in the future and that would cause him to crack under the pressure once again. To others money would be an issue if they chose to stay, but for him it wasn’t a problem since his family was well off.  He looked up to see Dongwoo looking at his lap, his face held no sign of happiness within it. He pulled his notebook out and wrote ‘Can I think about it?’ Before showing it to his sister, she nodded and then got up to leave for the day. As he saw his sister walk away Sung Jong stood up only to sit back down only this time in Dongwoo’s lap.  He brought his hands up to Dongwoo’s face and tilted it so he’d be looking at him.

“It’s okay… if you want to go home.”

                He shook his head and brought his face to the crook of Dongwoo’s neck.  They stayed there sitting not saying anything just breathing in each other’s scents. After a while Sung Jong lifted his head and looked into Dongwoo’s eyes where he saw sadness and uncertainty. He knew that Dongwoo was thinking that he was going to leave him. He knew that whatever decision he made would hurt someone. If he stayed it would hurt his parents, but if he left Dongwoo would be the one in pain. He didn’t want his parents to be in pain but in a way he didn’t really care about his parents anymore, he cared more about Dongwoo. He wanted to go home but he wanted to bring Dongwoo along with him. He wanted to have both. He was selfish and he chose to ask if he could have both. 

                A week after Eun Jung came to visit Sung Jong had talked to his therapist multiple times that week leaving Dongwoo in his room to do nothing. He still hadn’t told him that he wanted to leave and that he wanted to bring him along. Dongwoo would sit in his room and wonder if everything was okay with Sung Jong and if he’d done something for him to be left alone so often.  Once Saturday came Eun Jung came to visit again. Sung Jong was talking to his doctor while Dongwoo was in the garden staring blankly at the rose bushes. He felt someone sit next to him and expected it to be Sung Jong but it turned out to be Eun Jung.

“Dongwoo? Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t feel anything. I feel numb, but I feel pain at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if the pain is so painful that it numbs itself or if I’m so used to the pain that I don’t even feel it anymore and it’s just a dull ache now.”

“Dongwoo?”

“Hmm.”

“Did Sung Jong tell you his decision? Whether he’s staying or coming home?”

“We haven’t really talked. I’ve been alone most of the week.”

“Where’s he been?”

“Talking with the doctor. I think he’s thinking about going home.”

                Eun Jung nodded her head and just sat silently watching Dongwoo. He seemed sad and almost lifeless and that’s when she wondered what made Dongwoo be in a place like this.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Hmm.”

“Why are you here? You seem so normal.”
“I have Panic Disorder.”

“What is that?”

“It’s an anxiety disorder. I have major panic attacks and a lot of the times I don’t recover fully until after a month or so. It’s different from Sung Jong’s anxiety attacks. He can recover from his fairly quickly and his aren’t life threatening, while mine are.”

“Has he seen you have one?”

“No. I’ve only had two in the time three years I’ve been here. I’ve only had so few because they always keep me on medication and look out for me more than others. They’ve paid special attention to me after my last one.”

“What happened?”

“I almost died. It was the longest panic attack I’ve ever had. They usually last around ten minutes or so but that one lasted almost an hour. It was late at night so only a few nurses were around and the doctor had already left. They didn’t know what to do so they call the hospital and that’s the only way that they figured out how to try and stop the panic attack from happening. When they stopped me the ambulance had already come and the doctor came into my room to check me and that’s when he told me I could have died if it had gone on for a while longer. “

“Does Sung Jong know about this?”

                Dongwoo shook his head as he looked down at his hands in his lap. No one had actually asked him why he was in here they all just assumed he was crazy or something. He didn’t like telling people about it either. He didn’t want sympathetic looks thrown at him everywhere he went.
 

“Do you know what caused you to have panic attacks?”

“The doctor said it was because of excessive stress, smoking, caffeine, and possibly because of my dad’s alcoholic behaviors.”

“I see.”

                They stayed silent for a while before they heard leaves rustling and they turned to see Sung Jong walking up to them with a small smile on his face. He waved at them before he sat on the other side of Dongwoo. Dongwoo turned to him and smiled at him seeing how he seemed happier than usual. Sung Jong took out his notebook from his pocket and began to write things down. Dongwoo and Eun Jung waited till he finished and showed them the notebook.

I’m going home, with Dongwoo. I’ve been talking to the doctor and I’ve been trying to convince him into letting Dongwoo come home with me. I don’t want to lose him I also don’t want mom and dad to be upset. I know it’s selfish to want to have both but I really can’t choose. I love mom and dad but I love Dongwoo as well and I want to have him with me.

                Eun Jung looked at him when she was finished reading and saw that Sung Jong was determined to have Dongwoo go home with him. She then looked over at Dongwoo who had a small on his face but almost didn’t reach his eyes. When Sung Jong saw that look as well he quickly took the notebook back and began to scribble on it quickly before handing it to Dongwoo.

Do you not want to come home with me?

“I do. But I don’t think that’s my decision to make. Like you said, you’re being selfish for wanting both. It’d be selfish of me to just accept going with you without considering your parents. They don’t know me. They don’t know what’s wrong with me. You don’t even know what’s wrong with me. If I do go home with you, even if the doctor says it’s okay, and what’s wrong with me happens I’m afraid you might get scarred. I don’t want you to see me when it happens. If and when it does happen I don’t want you to regret having me there in the first place. You may be better than what you were like when you first came here, but I’m not. I’ll never be okay.”

I don’t care what’s wrong with you. I need you. I either take you home with me or I stay here with you.

                Eun Jung stood up and told them to think about it and that she’d be back the next week. Once she left Sung Jong turned fully to face Dongwoo and put his notebook in his lap. He looked down as he played with his hands and opened his mouth but closed it soon after not knowing what to do.

“D-d-d-do y-y-yo-you not l-l-lo-l-love m-me?”

“Of course I love you. I love you with all my heart. I care about you to the end of the universe and back. I just don’t want you to see how I am when my disorder sets into motion.”

“Wh-w-what ha-h-hap-p-pens?”

“Like you, I have an anxiety disorder but mine’s a lot worse. Unlike you I can die from my panic attacks if they come too strong for long periods of time consecutively.”

                Sung Jong nodded his head. He stayed silent and leaned his forehead against Dongwoo’s shoulder.  He grabbed his notebook and pen from his lap and began to write.

I still want to be with you. I still want you to come home with me. I want you to be with me when I can talk normally. I want you to be there when I can tell you that I love you without having stuttered. But I only want you to hear me. I want my voice to be only for you.

                Dongwoo looked at the notebook and smiled. He took Sung Jong’s face in the palms of his hands and leaned in to kiss him. He wanted all his love to be felt through the kiss and when Sung Jong responded he knew that he had received it and was giving him as much love as he had received. He was still scared of what Sung Jong thought when a panic attack would hit him but he was contempt for the moment.

so this is 5,380 words at first i didn't want it to pass 2000 or so words but everytime i set a limit for myself i always seem to double it in what i actually write. 

i honeslty don't even know where this came from. a couple of days ago i just opened up a blank word document and i started writing this and then i left it alone for a day then i reread what i had yesterday and then wrote some more and then i opened it up again today and wrote the last 2000 or so words. i honestly don't feel like this is finished but i'll just leave it here because if i continue writing it'll become either a 10k oneshot or a chaptered story and write now i can't be doing that with school starting on Monday and all.

well i hope you enjoyed(???) this. if you have any comments please leave them and if you have anything to say that i could possibly fix let me know.