[Written in Minhyuk’s POV]

 

           

            It was one early morning when I stood out from bed. The sky was still dark; I supposed it was still dawn – it was just four in the morning. It was just like any other day – I had to go to work and fulfill my career as a singer-songwriter in a rising entertainment company. But one thing that makes this morning a bit more, let’s say, special is that I am not alone. Someone is with me and that someone is the woman I love most, Yaesom.

 

            Yeasom is a nurse in one of the best hospitals here in Seoul. I met her when I was confined in the hospital after collapsing during a practice session for our comeback. I knew I was already exhausted, but because I really wanted everything to be perfect most especially when I’m with my group, I disregarded everything including the aching muscles all over my body. I woke up the next morning in the hospital, noticing the intravenous fluids being connected in both of my hands and looking up, I saw this lovely lady in blue scrubs. I knew she was a nurse because she wasn’t wearing a smock like most doctors do. I was supposed to ask her who was watching me until our group leader, Seo Eunkwang, popped his face above me.

            “Minhyukkie, are you okay?” he asked. And the rest of his follow-up questions and statements came rolling in without pausing for a moment to breathe, including this: “Even Sungjae thought you we’re dying”. That kid, when will he realize that collapsing isn’t the same as dying, really?

            And as Eunkwang continued saying his worries, I looked at the sides and saw that the nurse smiled at me and bowed.

            I know it’s cheesy, but yeah, I’m quite captivated by her smile. She had a pretty face too; it was a face that I don’t see everyday.

            I saw her leave the room with a purple clipboard in her arm, and before she left I swear she smiled at me. I would have smiled back if only Eunkwang didn’t block the view.

            In that very afternoon, I was alone in my room. Eunkwang had to leave because according to our manager, he has been disturbing me from my rest to recovery. Aside from being really quiet, the place has become a bit boring. The only noise inside the room was the beep coming from the monitoring machine beside me. And just before I lifted myself up, a knock came from the door and entered that very person that I wished to see.

            “Annyeonghaseyo”, she said to me as she bowed. I did the same.  “How have you been, Lee Minhyuk-sshi?”

            “I-I-I’m good,” I replied. Geez, even her smile can make me stammer. “I think I feel better now.” Yeah right, Minhyuk.

            “Very well, then.” She said smilingly – even her eyes smile back at me. “I’m tasked to remove one of your intravenous fluids,” I looked at my hands and I wondered which one. “I’ll be removing that one on your right hand.” She added. The bottle above my right was already near empty, I guess she had to remove it when it’s done.

            She got a tray from the bedside table and stood beside me, she was even prettier up close.

            “How long have you been working here?” I asked. I used this to distract myself from watching my hands as she worked on it. The slightest sight of blood may cause me to freak out.

            “Two years,” she answered. That shy smile on her face was really fascinating and I think it’s really pretty. And talking while doing her work was something I call special charms.

            I don’t know what I was thinking that moment but I just blurted out, “Can I ask you out on a date?”

            She stopped at her tracks and looked at me with a hint of bewilderment in her face for a few moments. I know it was really shocking but it was something I didn’t expect either. Then she only shook her head and proceeded on her work.

            “You know, Lee Minhyuk-sshi, you really need some rest.” I felt a bit of pain and jerked my hand a bit. I see that my right hand was now tube/needle-free and I really liked the way she taped that small cotton ball on my hand, I then realized she was done. I panicked as she stepped away from my bed.

            “Excuse me, ganhosa-nim,” I said quickly to get her attention and she looked back at me.

            “Anything you need, Minhyuk-sshi?” she asked.

            “May I know your name?” I had to ask.

            She only smiled and answered with that sweet fascinating voice of hers, “Na Yaesom.” And without waiting for my reply, she went out of the room.

            Some two days after, I was finally discharged and before I left the hospital, I asked the nurses from the station as to where Na Yaesom-sshi was and they said she was assigned to another area they call E.R. I kinda lost hope as I left the hospital, thinking I wont be able to see her again, until I saw her wearing her white uniform with a cute cap on her head, pushing what seem to be a cart filled of bottles similar to those hanged above me before. I know it was wrong to disturb her from her work, but I had to grab that chance. Only God knows when will be the next time I’ll be able to see her.

            “Yah! Lee Minhyuk!” Manager-nim called me but I only raised my hand and signaled them to wait for me.

            “Na Yaesom-sshi!” I called her name as I ran towards her and she paused for a moment there.

            “Anything, Lee Minhyuk-sshi?” she said, showing me that smile again. I tried hard not to blush but I was just fascinated again.

            “I’m well now,” I said. How I wish I could kick myself.

            “That’s good,” she replied.

            “Now, how’s bout that date?”

 

            Now, it’s almost a year since we started dating and to tell you it’s been really hard. Dealing with my private life and my life as an idol is more like a pandemonium. I had to protect her from all of the bashers in the place. These fans have the tendency to be really violent and it’ll be my fault if something happens to her. Yaesom has nothing to say about them, she understands so much that I felt really ashamed of everything she’s done for me and the least that I can do is to protect her and I can’t  even do that because I’ve been too busy these days.

            I looked back at her as I leaned on the hinges of the sliding glass doors. Watching her sleeping peacefully on the bed made me feel relieved, but inside me was something that I always feared of.

            The past few days have been quite bad for us. We have been busy and we rarely had time for each other. My schedules are all packed up since it was nearing our comeback and upcoming concerts have been scheduled so I had to give extra effort for this. I understood why most idols don’t have girlfriends and boyfriends because it was another commitment they had to accomplish. I’ll admit I’m one of them, but it was a choice I made for myself. We have been fighting even in the smallest of things. We argue even for the smallest reasons – stupid reasons. We became insecure even of the most irrational whatchamacallits and I admit we haven’t been understanding of each other.

            I breathed deeply, hoping that today will be more of a good day than the past days, including yesterday.

            I know I’m supposed to be really considerate, but last night was the worst nights ever. I want to pretend that nothing happened and forget everything that happened.

            But honestly, I can’t.  

 

            Yesterday, it was one rainy afternoon when I decided to fetch her up from the hospital. I know it’ll draw attention most especially when fans are on sight, but I don’t care. I wanted to surprise her, that’s all. After all, it’s been a long time since we’ve been together on an ordinary day. I thought this was a silly and probably an impractical way to do, but at least I had to give it a shot.

            I parked the car near the entrance and placed my hoodie on. It was a good cover up in case fans and paparazzi will come busting in. I entered the hospital and went to the reception area – got myself a hot cup of coffee while waiting for her. For one I wasn’t sure where she was assigned that time, and I just can’t barge in to the floors looking for her. The sound of the elevator caught my attention, and as the door opened, I saw Yaesom walk out wearing her cute pink scrubs and her tote bag on her shoulders. I was about to stand when I saw her look back and smiled to a man who also just got out of the elevator. It seemed that they were having a really animated conversation and it involved a bit of “skinship”. I know I don’t have to fuss about it, maybe it was just a colleague. But as I looked closer, I realized that it was someone I know, and it was a “friend”, Son Dongwoon. Of course, I heard Doojoon-hyung was hospitalized because of exhaustion, but I never knew Dongwoon would be here. Yaesom went with me to Cube for a number of times but she never mentioned her friendship with Dongwoon, in fact Dongwoon never mentioned anything like this at all. I know I just cant jump into conclusions until I have enough proof, but I hope I’m mistaken. Looking at them seems like they’ve been friends for years. How I wish I could just spring up in front of them and probably punch Dongwoon in the face, but I can’t do that. Probably not here..

            I trust her, but in one way or another, I can’t trust myself.

            And will someone please tell me that Dongwoon is not a threat – given that Yaesom acts like a fangirl in front of him.

            Fine. I’m not mad. I am Jealous – big time.

            I can see her reach to her phone and I felt my phone vibrate. I was doubting if I’d answer it or not, but I just did anyway.

            “Yeoboseyo?” I said

            Minhyukkie, is this your car I see near the entrance? Are you here in the hospital? She asked. I don’t know how to tell her without making it obvious that I am bothered at the moment.

            “I’m right behind you,” she turned around and saw me standing behind her.

            “Yah! What are you doing here?” she asked, taking me by the arm.

            “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

            “I am, but aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

            “I had the time, though. Shall we have some dinner?”

            “At three in the afternoon?”

            “It doesn’t matter!” I realized I raised my voice already. I was already making it obvious about how disappointed I feel right now, but I had no intention to start a fight -  no, not now, not here. “I just want to be with you,” I sighed. Yaesom’s reaction was quite indifferent, it wasn’t the usual “Yaesom effect” that I wanted to see now.

            We drove off without a word to each other. We were silent along the way, and even in the restaurant, we have not spoken a word after we ordered. It was uncanny; we weren’t like that at all. We were supposed to be enjoying dinner, laughing our hearts out, not minding if we spit off some fragments of our food into the table, and the likes. And now, silence paved the way between us. I asked how her day was but she only said “fine”, and nothing more. The moment we arrived home, she started to act cold. She resulted to reading that boring nursing book of hers instead of watching TV with me. She didn’t talk about anything, not even about meeting Dongwoon earlier. Though it pains me, I just have to understand that maybe she’s stressed.

            I saw her leave the couch and I quickly turned off the TV to follow her to the bedroom. I want to know how she feels, why she’s like that, and why she’s been acting cold lately.

            “Yaesomie~” I called her as I closed the door behind me. She turned to me with that blank look in her face and said nothing. “Is everything alright?” I asked, to break the deafening silence that was already making me insane. “Is there bothering you lately?”

            “No.” she answered, shaking her head. “Why d’you ask?”

            “You’re so silent today.” I said concernedly. “you’re not usually like that.”

            “I’m just stressed from work. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about me.” She said without pausing to breathe. I don’t know what that meant but it sure didn’t reassure me at all.

            “Seriously Yaesomie, I wanna know.” I’m not usually insisting but I just want to be sure.

            “Minhyukkie, really, there is nothing wrong with me.” She said, waving her hand as she turned her back. I ran to her side and grab hold of her hand.

            “Tell me, Yaesom, why are you acting like this?” I asked, now raising my voice.

            “WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MINHYUK? I TOLD YOU THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!” She exclaimed, pulling her hand away from me. “I don’t have a problem at all! What’s gotten into you? It looks like you’re jealous!”

            “I AM JEALOUS!”   

            “Jealous of?”

            “Don’t act as if you don’t know anything.” I scoffed. I could see her face go puzzled.

            “What are you talking about?”

            “I saw you with him!” I see Yaesom’s face change. I can see her hands and lips shaking. Her eyes teary. “I saw you with Dongwoon. I saw how you acted in front of him. I saw how dearly you see him, how you touch him, how you laugh with him. I saw everything, Yaesom! I saw everything!”

            Yaesom looked away from me and instead of answering me, she only shed tears.

            Am I to think that there was really something going on between Yeasom and Dongwoon?

            “Yaesom, is there something going on between you and Dongwoon?” Please say no, please say no. But she said nothing. Tears have been creeping in my eyes and this time, there’s no stopping them from falling. “Yaesom,” I said, even if my voices was already quivering. “Is there something going on between you and Dongwoon?” I asked her again, but she only turned her back from me.

            “Do you love me?” I know I shouldn’t be asking this but I have to, I have to know what’s with her, I want to know who really owns her heart.

            “Of course, I do.” She replied with those eyes reflecting the pain she was feeling inside her.

            “If you said you loved me, why then are you in his arms?”

            “Minhyuk, I-“

            “Why, Yaesomie? Why?” I asked her, not minding the fall of tears, not minding how heavy my chest was becoming already. “Why the change of mind? Why the change of heart?”

            “Minhyuk, really, there’s nothing-“

            “Nothing? How can it be nothing when it’s tearing us apart?” I saw her climb up the bed and covered herself with the sheets.

            I lazily walked into the bed and laid next to her. I could sense her crying, but even how much I wanted to hug her, embrace her with all that I am, still I cannot fathom the hurt that I felt inside me, and what’s worse is going on through the night with the fact that both of us were hurting because we hurt ourselves.

 

            And now, as I look back at her, I wish I could turn back the time and undo all the events – all the hurt erased. But the damage has been done. For now, I only hope that things will get better today – anger-free, hurt-free.