He never knew. And that’s how I kept it.

Our relationship wasn’t perfect. And it was okay with me- as long as he was here.

Kyungsoo and I would fight here and there, little brawls and arguments. But it was never too serious.

I never expected to see his red suitcase at the entrance of our apartment one day. I guess should have prepared myself because I knew that day would come.

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He looks at me intently, pain in his eyes as he turns to grab his stuff.

I stop him abruptly. “Why are you doing this? Give me a reason.”  

“There are some things better left unsaid- maybe reasons or excuses or excusable reasons… but do you really think that the truth always the best?”

“Kyungsoo, please.” I breathe sharply.

He smirks a little, the corners of his mouth slightly trembling.

“You know that saying: ‘Ignorance is bliss?’ Sometimes I wonder if that's so, what happens to the innocent souls who were never given a chance to be exposed to the cruelties of this world? And what about those who were never forced to face the countless insecurities that society throws upon them?"

"Kyungsoo I-"

He goes on, unaffected.

"Do they go unseen, unheard- left to suffer for something they've believed and thought was right? Don’t they set up others for an even bigger disaster than the one they have at hand if they keep secrets from the people they love?”

Kyungsoo was shaking. There were tears welled up in his eyes, dampening those long lashes that I always made fun of.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about hyung.” My voice cracks a little and I choose to ignore the stare behind his incredulous eyes.

You're ‘saving them from heartache’ you say? No. It's pathetic and disgusting and no person should have to go through the denials of being unloved or uncared for Jongin, because-“

He breathes in short, terse intervals- pausing because the tears wouldn’t stop falling.

“-because I don't want to live in this kind of world, anymore. I don’t want to be kindered because I’m ‘breakable.’”

“But you’re breaking now, aren’t you?!” I yell, startling myself after being quiet for too long. “You’re breaking because of me, hyung. I can’t… I can’t do that, no matter what errors I’ve done. You don’t deserve to be broken.”

Kyungsoo’s stare had not once faltered from my eyes, but now they were directed in a different direction.

I look down at the silver bracelet on my left hand. The one he gave me just over a year ago, a sign of our friendship- now coming apart.

“You know, Jongin…It doesn’t really matter anymore, does it? We're all made to be ruin in the end. You. Me. What we shared. It’s all going to end anyway.”

He turns around to leave without a second glance.

“I murdered him” It came out as a whisper.

The room fell silent-the only noises were our uneven breathing and the heaviness of my words echoing against the grey walls.

“I know.”

The only thing that followed in the minutes after he left was the sound of my sanity breaking down into fragments of lost time, memories, and the bit of happiness that we had left.

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