Trigger warning: Uncomfortable subject matters.

I've put this before a couple of times at livejournal, but I keep forgetting to put them here. I apologize if I've caused anyone any trouble ;; I'll be more clear in the future.

"I'm going."

"No, you aren't."

"Yes, I am!"

"No, you aren't.

"...Okay, no, I'm not."

Yoona took a firm grip of Seohyun's wrist and dragged the laughing girl back into her bed. Sunday had come, surprisingly and regrettably quickly, and Sunday meant goodbye. For at least a day.

It was still early, as Seohyun had insisted she should be out of the house before Yoona's parents came home, but thankfully the youngest encountered a big problem with her self-control.

Yoona pulled Seohyun in for a kiss, laughing as their teeth clinked together through their smiles. She crossed her arms behind Seohyun's neck, allowing Seohyun's scent to fill her nostrils once more, wondering absent-mindedly how she could survive without it even until the next day in school. And how was she going to stay away from Seohyun when they were in school? She wasn't sure she wanted to be completely open about their relationship; she was still afraid of other people's opinions. But right then and there, in her dark bedroom on that early Sunday morning, when her mind was muddled with happiness and warmth from spending an entire weekend alone with Seohyun, she wasn't scared in the slightest. As long as she was with Seohyun, she could get through anything, and no one else mattered. No matter what anyone said or did.

"You should come with a warning sign," Seohyun sighed as she nuzzled her head against Yoona's. "Highly addictive."

"Oh," Yoona laughed, pulling back a little with a mischievous look in her eyes, "look who's cheesy now."

Seohyun responded by placing a careful kiss at Yoona's earlobe, sending sparks of repressed want through her body. "I'm serious though," she groaned. "I don't want to go... but I should." She sighed, inching away from the older girl, but grabbing her hand as she did so.

"You really should," Yoona nodded. "When my parents come home, they'll want to tell me every single little detail about their trip, and I really don't wanna put you through that."

Seohyun narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. "Actually, I would like that. I would like to meet your parents."

Yoona gawked at her. "Not today, you don't," she said with a slight laugh, but unable to stop the goofy smile that spread at the thought of Seohyun wanting to meet her family.

Sighing a little, Seohyun stared at the floor. "No, I suppose you are right." Yoona nodded, but supposed the younger girl agreed for different reasons than Yoona did. "I'm going..."

She stood up from the bed, and Yoona watched her with great interest, wondering if she would succeed in pulling herself away this time. "I can tell you are," she laughed, and was just about to stand up too when Seohyun sat down again.

"I just want you to know..." she began slowly, carefully looking up to meet Yoona's eyes, "that being with you... makes me really happy." Yoona smiled widely at her, feeling tears of joy push at the back of . She held them down. "And I... really, really like you, Yoona."

"What a co-incidence. I really, really like you too," Yoona said, not caring that her voice came out sounding choked.

Seohyun returned her smile. The sincerity in her eyes increased Yoona's wish to cry even further. "Just thinking about leaving you now... I'm not even sure how to live without you until tomorrow."

Yoona squeezed her hand tightly. "I know what you mean," she said, smiling so widely it hurt. "How about we do something tomorrow after school?"

"Oh, thank God," Seohyun said with a hand over her heart. "I think I would have died if you had not asked that."

Yoona laughed, brushing Seohyun's bangs away from her face. "It's not even a question, sweetie," she said, "I always want to see you."

Seohyun's smile in return was the warmest, most beautiful smile Yoona had ever seen, and she couldn't help but long to kiss those full lips again. She scooted closer, put her hands on Seohyun's upper arms and pressed their lips together for the millionth time that weekend, loving how familiar it all already felt, and wanting so badly to kiss Seohyun every day as she grew older. That moment, when she could forget about everything else, and dream about a future with the younger girl as their lips and hands moved on their own accord, was the happiest she had ever been.

They pulled apart, but Seohyun drew her into a hug, holding her so tightly she was finding it difficult to breathe.

"I am so lucky to have found you," Seohyun whispered into her ear as they softly swayed from side to side. "You have no idea how happy I am."

Yoona buried her face in Seohyun's hair. Taking a deep breath, she knew she would remember those words until the day she died. "I think I know," she whispered back. "Now go, before I start crying," she said and leaned back, breaking their hug.

"I'm going, I'm going," Seohyun agreed, and made to stand up. Yoona grabbed her wrist again.

"Wait!" she said, her voice coming out a bit too loud, and Seohyun looked at her in surprise. "One more kiss," Yoona said after a short pause, and Seohyun laughed.

"Happy to oblige," she said, leaning over and pressing her lips to Yoona's.

There was a quick knock on the door before it slid open, and the two girls on the bed both jumped apart at the same time, ending up on opposite sides of the bed. Yoona's mother leaned in carefully, not looking surprised in the slightest to see Seohyun there.

Anxiety hit Yoona like a tornado. "Mom!" she said, "I didn't hear you come home."

"Well, it looks like you two were busy," her mother said emotionlessly. Yoona's heartbeat sped up madly. Wow, she realized, she definitely wasn't ready for her parents to know anytime soon. "Did you have a good weekend?"

The deadness in her mother's voice frightened her, but she was sure she had separated herself from Seohyun before her mother had had a chance to see anything... but maybe the two of them sitting on her bed together was more suspicious than she had thought. "Uhm," she said, looking at Seohyun as if to ask for support, "yeah, it was good. You?"

Her mother nodded thoughtfully, stepping into the room and slowly sitting down on the edge of the bed as she spoke. "Yes, it was nice. To get away for a while."

"Uh-huh," Yoona said, silently trying to tell Seohyun that now was the time to leave. The younger girl didn't move.

"You're Seohyun, I take it?" Mrs. Im said, turning towards Seohyun, who nodded instantly. "It's good to finally meet you. Yoona tells me you're a good dancer."

Seohyun caught Yoona's eye with a satisfied smile, and Yoona couldn't help but look away and feel slightly embarrassed. "I think she was exaggerating about that," she said, turning her gaze back to Yoona's mother, "but it's nice to meet you too."

Mrs. Im nodded too slowly, too thoughtfully for Yoona's liking, and now there wasn't a doubt in Yoona's mind – her mother knew. She knew, and she didn't like it. "Yoona, I have to talk to you about something," Mrs. Im said seriously. "I was going to wait until your friend left, but maybe it's better that I do it while she's here."

Yoona's anxiety caught fire and exploded. "No, mom," she said at once, "it isn't what it seems. We're just friends."

Seohyun looked at her with scared eyes and raised eyebrows, and Yoona couldn't do anything other than stare back. What did she just say?

Mrs. Im froze on the spot, looking at Yoona like she didn't understand what she had just heard. "Oh, sweetie," she said then, resting a hand on Yoona's knee. "Don't you think I understand, from how you have been talking about Seohyun lately? I'm your mother."

"Uh..." Yoona said, unable to think of anything to say, unable to deny it or confirm it, her heart beating insanely from fear of what would happen next.

"If you treat her well, I don't have a problem with it," Mrs. Im finished, giving Seohyun a weak smile. Yoona shook her head, unable to believe what she was hearing. Was she really awake? "We'll have to talk about that later... because now I really have to tell you something."

Yoona's mind seemed to have stopped. Her mother knew? She knew, and she really didn't have a problem with it?

She vaguely registered the hand tightening on her knee. "This will hurt."

"Uh-huh," she said, not really knowing what she was agreeing to. How long had her mother known? How had she found out? Yoona had really tried not to talk too enthusiastically or too often about Seohyun, just mentioned her existence once or twice to make coming out easier in the future. Was it possible that someone else had told her?

"Yoona... Sungmin is dead."

Did her father know as well? Did he approve too? Or would he be more homophobic? If she were to be honest, she hadn't a clue about his reaction, but she could imagine he would have a problem with it – was that why it was her mother, and not her father, who had come up to her room that morning? Because he didn't want to see them together? How would their relationship change if – what?

"Sweetie?"

"What?" Yoona choked out. It was impossible. That was not what she had just heard. It couldn't be.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie," Mrs. Im said.

"What..." Yoona tried, but a horrible thought caught her mind unaware and the words caught in – did they kill him?

"He... he killed himself. Two nights ago. I tried calling you, but..."

And with a sinking, horrible sensation in her stomach, Yoona remembered the night, the night she had first kissed Seohyun after ignoring a text on her phone – what are you doing? can we talk? – and deciding to not reply to it at all that weekend. To wait with helping him until the Monday after.

As if somehow, Sungmin's pain only existed when Yoona thought of it, and when she was enjoying a weekend with her new girlfriend, it was on pause. His problems were only real when they were together. She must have known, she must have understood that he needed her even she didn't want to be needed? When she didn't have time?

Like her senses were all working in slow motion, she realized that that last text was Sungmin's last call for help, and she had ignored it, only for her own convenience.

Her mother forcefully pulled her into a hug as blank, uncomprehending tears filled her eyes. Through her mother's black hair, she saw Seohyun looking at her, seeming so horrified, so guilty, but not as guilty as Yoona herself felt. "I'm so sorry," Mrs. Im repeated. Yoona barely heard her.

"I should go," Seohyun said quietly, standing up. "I think this should be a family matter." Yoona could tell she was trying to act unaffected, but the tears in her eyes gave her away.

"That's probably for the best," Yoona's mother said, gratefully looking up at Seohyun.

"Will you be okay?" Seohyun asked carefully. Yoona didn't know what to say. Would she be okay? Would she ever feel okay again? Would she be able to survive at all, with this guilt hammering away at her insides?

Nevertheless, she nodded her head in her mother's embrace, and Seohyun walked towards the door. Before she knew it, Seohyun was gone, with only a whispered 'goodbye' and a click of the door as it swung shut.

So in the end, after all her attempts to help Sungmin, she had been the one to kill him. The irony of it all was too big to wrap her mind around, and she didn't want to try. Because she was never going to see Sungmin again, never talk to him, never apologize for all the opportunities she had wasted, every chance she had had to truly help him that she had thrown away. Never again would she walk him between classes, sure that he was okay and safe, if only for the moment, when they were walking together. And never again would Sungmin face any of his bullies, never again would he nod off in class, never would he have another glass of milk, never again would he smile.

Yoona rushed down the stairs with her mother running behind her, yelling things of worry that Yoona couldn't hear. She darted into the living room and took her phone from the coffee table, ignoring the worried looks from her father, who was standing in the doorway to the kitchen. So he knew what Sungmin had done, and he couldn't bear to be there when she found out. That was the real reason why he hadn't come up to say hello that morning.

Nine missed calls. Two from Taeyeon, she saw with a numb wave of surprise, and she dismissed them, not having the heart to care right then. The other seven were all from Sungmin, all with a few minutes' intervals.

Fifteen new texts. One from Yuri, asking about her date. The other fourteen were all from Sungmin.

Please, Yoona, talk to me

why are you ignoring me?

i'm sorry for how i've been since we became friends again, i'll try harder, but i can't unless you talk to me

She flipped through them all, only reading every second word, dreading the moment she would have read them all, and the last sign of life from Sungmin would be gone.

i get that it's hard to be friends with me... but i really need you right now

i'm serious... i just need someone to talk to

just for now, please, yoona, and i won't bother you anymore, i promise

i  think i might die...

don't you care at all anymore?

Tears spilled uncontrollably over Yoona's cheeks. Her mother had caught up with her at some point, and was standing in front of her, letting her read the texts in peace. Every now and again, she exchanged a sad glance with Yoona's father.

ok i'm sorry, i'm not blaming you. just please yoona i don't know what to do anymore, just this once, answer, i'm begging you

any distraction would be good right now it doesn't have to be about me, what are you doing? are you home? please

i'm sorry...

can't you at least reply? even if you're angry with me?

if you care about me even just a tiny bit. please respond

And the last one. Sent at 11:26 pm on Friday night.

Ok. hint taken.

That was all. That was the end. The last words Sungmin had spoken to her, or maybe even the last words he'd spoken to anyone, and there was no taking them back or changing them.

She let the phone call onto the couch, and she covered her face with her hands and screamed through her fingers in grief. Before she knew it, both her parents were there, both holding her, and all she could do was hope Sungmin didn't suffer anymore.

But then there was a voice in the back of her head, a small one that was so careful that it seemed to respect her sorrow, and it whispered to her that maybe sadness doesn't change just because you die.






 

Coming back to school the following Monday, Jessica felt like a new person entirely. It was strange to her, how she seemed to have lost track of all her morals and everything that was truly important to her, and yet that morning, she felt more like herself than she had for a long time. Sure, she had gone without for long periods of time when Yuri seemed busy with other things, but never before had she felt neglected. Not until Sunny gave her what she really wanted. Not until Sunny made her feel wanted.

Her love for Sunny seemed to be growing with every passing second, and she acknowledged it with a numb excitement that completely lacked guilt. When she had fallen so deeply for the shorter girl she didn't know, but it didn't matter. She also wasn't sure how to hide this affection from Yuri, but that didn't matter either. The thought of Yuri finding out seemed almost exciting, and at the same time unimportant.

And so, Jessica walked into school that day, feeling more smug than anything else.

Yuri, Sunny, Taeyeon, Tiffany and Seohyun were all already there, and Sooyoung walked in at almost the same time as Jessica. She wasn't surprised to see that Yuri and Sunny were sitting on opposite ends from each other. Smiling at her friends, she held Sunny's gaze a little longer than the others', and went to sit down by Yuri's side. Sooyoung took the spot between Seohyun and Taeyeon by force.

"How are things?" Sooyoung asked instantly, her hand finding Taeyeon's thigh. Taeyeon and Tiffany both looked at her with raised eyebrows, as Taeyeon hadn't planned on confessing to the group what had happened to her during the weekend. Explaining why she had been kicked out seemed like too much right then.

"Fine?" Taeyeon said pointedly.

"Why? What's up?" Sunny asked, seeing Taeyeon's expression and understanding that something wasn't right.

"Nothing," Tiffany assured.

Taeyeon rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I'm just staying with Tiffany for a bit."

"Oh," Sunny said, frowning, and then her eyebrows shot up behind her blond bangs. "Oooh..." She made a face at Taeyeon that made the older want to punch her.

"It's nothing like that," she said, redness filling her cheeks despite her internal protests. "It's just... I just got in some trouble with my mom, and I think it's best if I'm not home for a while."

Sunny nodded, frowning again. "What happened?"

"I don't really wanna talk about it right now," Taeyeon said, squirming. "Let's talk about it some other time. " She turned to Sooyoung with a pointed stare, and the younger girl, who only now seemed to catch Taeyeon's drift, hurriedly turned towards Seohyun.

"Ehm, so, how was your date?" she asked the youngest, who could only sigh.

"Your what? Your WHAT?!" Sunny screeched, grabbing Seohyun's shoulders.

The youngest glared at Sooyoung tiredly. "Sorry," Sooyoung squeaked. "I forgot your mother was here." Sunny turned to her, and Sooyoung knew that if looks could kill, she would be dead. "Wow, I'm just on fire today. Best friend-maker award, please."

Taeyeon, Sunny and Seohyun all rolled their eyes, and Sunny continued her abuse of the youngest. "Who are you dating? Tell me everything! Name, address, parents' occupations..."

"It's Yoona," Seohyun sighed. "I have no clue what her parents do for a living, and I would appreciate it if you did not kill her."

Sunny let go of her shoulders instantly. "Are you serious?" she said, glancing at the rest of the group for confirmation.

"Very serious."

"Well, how could you not have told me?!" Sunny continued, crossing her arms over her chest. "How am I supposed to protect you from... life, if you don't tell me what's going on in yours?"

"Sunny, please," Seohyun whined, "you don't need to protect me from Yoona. She protects me just fine." There was a unison "aww" from Jessica, Yuri and Tiffany, and Sunny shot them a death glare.

"If it makes you feel any better, Sooyoung and I only knew because Yoona told us," Taeyeon piped up, shrugging slightly.

"What, so you all knew?" Sunny said, leaning back with her eyebrows raised in disbelief. "Everyone knew but me?" The girls exchanged guilty glances, but eventually they all nodded. "I can't believe you," Sunny said, obviously hurt. "I thought I was your best friend."

"You are," Seohyun hurried. "I didn't want to tell anybody... but Yoona didn't quite share my thoughts."

Sunny hmpf'ed and turned away, staring at a classroom door in silence. Sooyoung leaned in closer to the youngest. "Wanna share my Best Friend-maker award?" she offered, holding out her hand. Seohyun stared at it in irritation, but shook it nonetheless.

"So speaking of Yoona," Tiffany said, breaking the growing awkwardness in the air, "where is she?"

The girls turned to Seohyun, who looked at them through wide eyes. "You... haven't you heard? Have you not talked to her?"

"No, I assumed she would be busy stealing smooches off of you all weekend, I haven't talked to her," Tiffany replied, worry clear in her voice.

"Did something happen?" Yuri asked, equally anxious.

Seohyun nodded weakly, feeling the weight of the group's stares on her. "It's Sungmin," she said heavily. No one's expression changed.

"What did he do?" Yuri pried.

"He... committed suicide. This Friday." She fell silent and waited as the impact of her words went around the room. Most of the girls stared back at her in complete disbelief, not believing they heard her right. Tiffany's eyes filled up with tears almost instantly, and Sunny looked like she too was close to tears.

"You're not serious, are you?" Yuri said at last, quietly. Seohyun nodded, eyes fixed on the floor.

"How... how is Yoona?" Jessica asked. "I thought... she'd tell us if..."

Seohyun waited a little, wondering what she should say. How was Yoona, really? "I was... there when she found out. She is with her parents, so... I think she is alright for now."

They fell silent again, unable to pull themselves out of the void of knowing what Sungmin had done.

"I can't believe it," Sunny whispered. "I just really..."

Silent tears made their way Tiffany's face, her eyes closed and her lips quivering. Taeyeon put a careful hand at her lower back. "Are you alright?" she asked, wishing to wipe her tears away, but not daring.

"It's just so sad," the other girl replied in a shaky voice, "that it had to come to that..." Taeyeon nodded, but found nothing to say, and just kept her hand reassuringly Tiffany's back.

"I hate to say this, but... we should probably start getting to class," Yuri said eventually. All the girls were aware that time must have been ticking away on them, as the corridor grew increasingly empty of people. Her suggestion was met with various groans and sighs.

"I don't know how to focus on schoolwork right now," Tiffany said, hurrying to wipe away her tears.

"Maybe I should have waited to tell you," Seohyun said with a guilty glance at Tiffany. "Or let Yoona tell you when she would see fit."

"No, it's better this way," Yuri said. "There's no point in pretending like it didn't happen, and we need to be there for Yoona."

Sunny nodded in hesitant agreement. "Poor Sungmin," Jessica whispered, and the mere words made more tears slip from Tiffany's eyes.

As the group made their way to class, Seohyun and Sooyoung left the others, while Jessica and Yuri fell behind Tiffany, Taeyeon and Sunny. Yuri had seemed very intent on being close to Jessica, and Jessica had seen the pained look in Sunny's eyes before she had skipped over to Taeyeon and Tiffany, leaving her behind.

"I would never have thought Sungmin to do something like that," Yuri said thoughtfully. She threw an arm over Jessica's shoulder, and the older of the two cringed.

"Yeah, well," she said, grabbing Yuri's arm and pushing it off her, "what else did you expect? Since when do you know anything about what happens in their lives?" she nodded towards the three girls walking a few meters in front of them.

Yuri gave her a confused look. "I guess I haven't been around much."

"No ," Jessica said, rolling her eyes and feeling unreasonably annoyed. "I could have gotten a tattoo on my cheek, for all you know."

Yuri widened her eyes at her. "You wouldn't."

Jessica snorted. "You wouldn't know." Yuri grabbed a belt-loop on Jessica's jeans, pulling her closer and trying to see down her pants. "Stop it!" Jessica hissed, pushing the other girl away. Sunny looked at them over her shoulder, her expression unreadable.

"What's with you?" Yuri asked with a hurt that made Jessica's heart soften a little. But only a little.

"Nothing," she replied sarcastically. "I enjoy only existing for you when you have time for me. It's adorable."

"What?" Yuri said, grabbing Jessica's shoulder and forcing her to a stop. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, come on," Jessica said, shrugging. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed the way you completely ignore my existence until you feel like seeing me. Cause that one's pretty damn hard to miss." She started walking again, and Yuri hurried after her.

"Jessica, no, that's not at all what..." Yuri tried. "I always want to see you. I'm sorry I'm away so much, but you know I have a lot of things to do..."

"Yeah," Jessica said with a chuckle, "you have a job that you totally hate, and somehow it's still more important than I am."

Yuri walked by her side in silence for a moment. "Why is this all coming out now?" she asked then. "If you wanted me to pay more attention to you, why didn't you just tell me so?"

Jessica snorted again. "You know, some people think it's just common sense to see your girlfriend every once in a while, but not me, no. I just love being ignored." She walked faster; trying to let Yuri fall behind, but the other girl wouldn't budge.

"Jessica, I'm sorry for making you feel this way," she said. "I'll do better, okay? I'll do better." She grabbed Jessica again, and the two stood facing each other in the empty corridor. Tears were forming in Yuri's eyes, to Jessica's horror.

"Yeah. Right. Whatever," Jessica said, forcing the words out of . She turned to leave, but Yuri stopped her again.

"What are you saying now, Sica?" she begged. "What's happening to us?"

Jessica allowed herself to look back into her beautiful, tear-filled eyes, and she wondered about that same question herself. This was her chance, to end things with Yuri before it got too late. This was her opportunity. Because that was what she wanted, wasn't it? To be with Sunny, and feel things that herself and Yuri had lost somewhere along the way.

More tears filled Yuri's eyes until they appeared to be foggy glass orbs, and she knew the tears would fall any second. Yuri was hurting, and she knew that. But what could she do? How could she help what she felt? Telling Yuri the truth, the whole truth, that she had slept with Sunny, that she had feelings for her, that maybe she loved her, would hurt Yuri so much more than this lie she had made up. Yuri was gone a lot, yes, but that was not the biggest issue. Letting Yuri believe she was the one at fault was both cruel and lenient, even though hurt was inevitable. Heartbreak was inevitable.

Where had all her care for Yuri gone?

"I don't know," she said, stepping out of Yuri's grip on her and made her way to class. Yuri didn't follow.