”Line 49, this is Junsu.”

Silence.

”How can I help you?”

She exhales and shifts the telephone in her hand to make sure the puff of air can be heard on the other end.

“It’s alright, you can speak to me. I’m here for you.”

She feels a tiny laugh bubbling up at the absurdity of the statement, but it never makes it past her lips. Just knowing that whoever is on the other side of the line, this Junsu person, would hear her voice in this kind of context makes her choke.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” The Junsu Person asks after a while, and honestly, she didn’t know what she expected. She parts her lips and draws a deep breath.

“Yes… I’m – hi,” she says pathetically. The Junsu Person pauses a while before answering.

“You’re high?” he asks, and he actually sounds serious. Perhaps a little worried. She furrows her brow and automatically looks towards her bedroom door, fearing that her mother would somehow magically overhear the conversation and come running in, accusing her of being a drug addict. But she knows it’s not going to happen, cause her mother is not in the apartment. There’s no way she would ever make this call if she was.

“N-no!” she replies, making sure to sound offended. “I mean… Hi. Hello.” When was the last time the world saw someone this pathetic?

“Hello,” The Junsu Person says, and the smile can practically be heard in his voice. “How can I help you?” She stares at a deep red wall, hating that question with a passion. If she’d known how to respond, she would have answered him the first time.

“I don’t know,” she snaps. A few seconds pass before The Junsu Person speaks again.

“But you know what Line 49 is?”

“Yes,” she assures, even though she kind of doesn’t want to admit it.

“Okay.” The silence that follows is awkward even though they’re probably very far apart. And thank god they are, she thinks. “So, is there anything you’d like to talk about?” The Junsu Person asks, obviously trying to sound pleasant and trustworthy. She doesn’t really know what to think, but she knows that for some reason she picked up the phone tonight and dialed, so she must want to talk about something. Right?

“Well,” she starts, and adds a cough to win some time. “I guess recently I’ve just been…” she tries and shifts uncomfortably on her bed as she does so, “having some thoughts.”

“Aha,” the Junsu person says knowingly. “What kind of thoughts?”

She flinches. The Junsu Person must know so well what kind of thoughts she’s referring to, so why is he asking this question? Is he really going to make her say it? She swallows down the nothingness from her dry mouth and considers just hanging up without answering. She isn’t sure whether she likes this Junsu person or not, and she usually likes people right away. As long as their keep their distance.

“I…” she starts in a weak voice, but she knew even before she said it that she didn’t have an ending to the sentence.

“You can tell me,” The Junsu Person says encouragingly – or, what’s supposed to be encouragement but ends up making her fear he’s trying to lead her into an unknown trap. Which, of course, she knows he isn’t.

Still, she can’t find her voice, so she just keeps quiet, waiting for him to either let it go or pull it out of her.  She can’t help but hope for the first option, even though she knows it’s not going to happen.

“Do these thoughts have anything to do with… liking g-“ The Junsu Person tries to ask and she knows exactly where he is going, what he knows and has known from the moment he picked up the phone, even before he heard her voice, and she snaps faster than she thought was possible. She manages to keep from screaming as she pulls the phone away from her ear, suddenly sure that every noise from the busy street outside is really her mother coming back home, or her entire school listening in on her conversation. When she puts the phone back to her ear, it’s silent on the other end, but she’s sure The Junsu Person is still there.

“I can’t. I’m sorry for wasting your time,” Taeyeon cringes as she hangs up the phone, wondering how she could have thought this was a good idea. Just the fact that she had picked up the phone gave her an illusion that she was… dealing with it. Becoming more okay with it, accepting herself.

But it was ridiculous, like a big, pointless joke.

Nobody can know. Ever.