[Set up your voicemail]

“Hey, this is Wu Fan. Please leave a message after the beep, and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.”

[BEEP]

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Thursday at 3:56 p.m.]

“It’s about time you set up your voicemail, ge. Anyway, I found a sale on patterned skinny jeans, and I can’t decide between the leopard print and the floral. Call me back ASAP because this is an emergency!”

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Thursday at 3:58 p.m.]

“Never mind. I decided on the floral.”

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Thursday at 4:15 p.m.]

“Ge, I think I’m having buyer’s remorse. Do you think I should return the floral skinnies? Please answer your phone. I’m thisclose to having an emotional breakdown at the mall, and people are already starting to stare. Hey, you over there! Stop looking at me or—“

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Thursday at 4:25 p.m.]

“Just wanted to let you know I returned the floral skinnies, no thanks to you.”

[Kim Jongin left a voicemail on Wednesday at 1:52 a.m.]

“Yo, face! Kyungsoo won a baking competition, and his prize is a month’s supply of peaches. At first I was like, ‘What the hell are we going to do with all of these peaches?’ But then I just came up with an awesome idea to smoothie that up. It’ll be ing fantastic. But the problem is that we don’t have a blender, so we’re going to steal yours instead. I’ll come over in a few hours to pick it up—after your morning beauty regimen, of course. See ya!”

[Do Kyungsoo left a voicemail on Wednesday at 2:02 a.m.]

“Hi, Wu Fan. It’s Kyungsoo. I’m apologizing on behalf of Jongin. He’s been drunk dialing everyone all night… but, um, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to borrow your blender. Sorry to call you so early in the morning. You didn’t answer your phone, so hopefully that means we didn’t wake you up. Sleep well!”

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Wednesday at 11:11 a.m.]

“It’s 11:11, so make a wish! I’m wishing for new designer sunglasses. By the way, my birthday is in three weeks, ge. Just wanted to let you know.”

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Wednesday at 4:32 p.m.]

“Ge, I went back and bought the floral jeans again. I know you told me to stop being so careless with money, but I think I really want them this time. They make my look nice.”

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Thursday at 2:29 p.m.]

“Okay, I went back to the mall, and I found a great deal on scarves—buy four and get the fifth for free!—but the only problem is that I can’t find my credit card, which was weird because I always keep it in my wallet tucked next to my driver’s license. So I emptied out my entire bag, still couldn’t find it, and wondered why until I realized you hid my credit card again.”

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Thursday at 2:32 p.m.]

“Ugh, your voicemail hung up on me! I didn’t know it had a time limit. Anyway, why do you always do like this? I’m a financially responsible adult, ge! So what if I like to shop a little bit more than the average person? It’s not like it’s an addiction. I just have a luxurious taste in fashion, and I’m not afraid to treat myself to a little Gucci here and there.  So you better get your bony to the mall and hand me back my credit card, or I swear I will dump super glue in your facial moisturizer. Super. Glue.”

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Thursday at 2:36 p.m.]

“And I hope it clogs your pores.”

[Kim Jongin left a voicemail on Thursday at 2:45 p.m.]

“Yo, Wu Fan. It’s Jongin. Um, I have some bad news… I think I broke your blender. But I’ll pay you back in peach smoothies, and they’re ing delicious peach smoothies.”

[Do Kyungsoo left a voicemail on Thursday at 2:47 p.m.]

“Hi, Wu Fan. This is Kyungsoo. I’m really sorry, but Jongin broke your blender. I’ll buy you a new one. Again, I’m really, really sorry. Bye!”

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Thursday at 3:03 p.m.]

“Hey, ge. I actually found my credit card. It was in my back packet. Isn’t that funny?”

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Friday at 7:00 a.m.]

“Wake up, Sleeping Beauty! Look out your window!”

[Huang Zitao left a voicemail on Friday at 7:14 a.m.]

“Hey, ge. Please answer your door. Or your phone. Or both, actually. I’m really sorry about your window. It wasn’t my fault! I just wanted to wake you up... I didn’t think that I’d throw the rock that hard, honest. But I was trying to be romantic. I even bought flowers and was going to serenade you and everything. Didn’t you think it was at least a little bit cute, ge? Isn’t it the thought that counts? Just please don’t be too mad!”

[Lu Han left a voicemail on Friday at 3:28 p.m.]

“It’s Lu Han. Your boyfriend showed up on my doorstep crying. He’s been hogging my TV for the past eight hours and compulsively buying random from the Home Shopping Network. I don’t know what happened between you two—probably something stupid, like usual—but you better pick him up. There’s a soccer game at 4 p.m., and Zitao better not be still here buying another spatula that doubles as a back scratcher.”

[Park Chanyeol left a voicemail on Friday at 4:44 p.m.]

“I heard Lu Han kicked you in the balls and made you drag a screaming Zitao out of his apartment. I feel so sorry for you, hahahaha!”

[Lu Han left a voicemail on Friday at 4:46 p.m.]

“Do your balls hurt? I ing hope they do.”

[Do Kyungsoo left a voicemail on Friday at 8:12 p.m.]

“Hi, Wu Fan. It’s Kyungsoo. I made some peach cobbler, so I’m going to drop it off at your place. Along with your new blender, of course. I got you a really nice brand, but that particular model only came in pink, so I hope that’s okay. Bye!”

[Kim Jongin left a voicemail on Friday at 9:15 p.m.]

“Yo, Wu Fan. Did Kyungsoo already drop off the peach cobbler? Don’t eat it. I’ve been locked in the restroom for the past hour. Save yourself!”

[Voicemail Deactivated]