to lose something

          Howon knew that after Sungjong left him a message at work, the matter was something rather important. Sungjong’s calls usually began with a shy confession of just wanting to hear Howon’s voice, which always made Howon’s face hot enough to feel on the other end, and continued with him rambling on about his day, excited about the most ordinary things that just made the latter laugh, but nothing that couldn’t wait until he got home.

            Surely, the message does contain rambling, but not about Sungjong’s day. He has to go to dinner with some new guy at the office but, oh God, he thinks it’s going to be completely awkward, and he knows Howon has work but it would really mean a lot if he could somehow come.

            Howon smiles to himself and is somehow able to get off work early because he’s feeling ‘sick,’ an excuse neither he nor his boss find quite convincing.

...

            Howon searches for Sungjong’s table through the restaurant’s glass front, expecting to see him looking flustering and toying with his food. The situation isn’t anything like that. Sungjong is laughing so hard and his are so bright and his smile is so warm . He’s looking at that guy- Howon thinks his name is Myungsoo- with an unmistakable look, a look that Howon thought was all his own. Howon knew right away that Sungjong had fallen for someone else.

you can’t replace.

to be so tired

            Still awake when the clock read four in the morning, Howon made no attempt to fall asleep. He dared not stir- what would Sungjong say if he woke and saw him now? Maybe, ‘You’ve got work in two hours, what could possibly be keeping you up?’  

            But Sungjong himself isn’t so quiet. The mumbling he’d been doing in his sleep had finally grown loud enough for Howon to hear for himself and verify it was what he’d been dreading. One word, or a name, rather, over and over. Myungsoo.

            Howon doesn’t have much left in him to cry, like had become routine. But he supposes he was a bit lucky. At least he saw this coming, because after all, he always said he was never good enough. But that was where his luck ran dry. He made the mistake of thinking he could make up for all he was lacking with everything he did and everything he had given up and everything he lost.

            Not to mention, although he predicted this, his vision did not contain Myungsoo. Myungsoo, who seemed so much better in every way and had the most handsome face and was always so affectionate and understanding and Howon could think of way more ands about him than he would like to admit. If he were actually lucky, he would have lost the Sungjong in an instant. So quickly that he was left no time to regret, so quickly that he felt no pain. Well, compared to what he was feeling now.

           The sound of Sungjong’s voice asking him if he was awake broke his train of thought. They both turned to face each other, lying on their sides. Sungjong notes that Howon seemed worried lately, looking into his eyes as if studying them. He could always read the other scarily well. Howon wanted to look away, feeling exposed under a look he had grown used to long ago. Before he could, Sungjong pulled him into a soft, slow kiss, but it wasn’t long before it became more heated and their bodies were pressed against each other's.

             He wanted to savor every moment and draw it out for everything it was worth, but Sungjong was already pulling away and whispering something about ‘later’ but Howon can’t hear it the racing of his heart, and it’s like he’s on high school all over again when he feels a pang in his chest. He suspects it might be him falling in love all over again. But it might also be his heart breaking. Or both.

            He has to ask himself if Sungjong even knows what he’s doing, if he even knows he’s in love with another man. Howon won’t be getting any rest.

but you can’t sleep.

to love someone

            Sungjong comes home that day at around five in the morning. His hair is tousled and his shirt ed, so Howon doesn’t even know why he wastes his breath in asking if Myungsoo touched him, if Sungjong let him. He sounds more hurt than angry.

            The tears start to fall down Sungjong’s face steadily, but as he tries to choke out an apology, his breath only becomes more infrequent. It takes everything in Howon not to do the same. But a few drops escape from the corners of his eyes as he asks Sungjong why. Why he would do this if he was going to be like this, cry like this.

            Sungjong is still speechless, only able to shake his head slowly as he squeezes his eyes and lips shut in attempt to end the stream of tears and whimpering.

            Howon guesses himself, hope lingering in his voice. Maybe Sungjong still loved him.

            Sungjong nodded. But he showed no sign of wanting to stay with Howon. Not knowing what to possibly do, Howon begged Sungjong to choose him, reminding him of before all of this, when they were so happy with each other, when they didn’t need or want anything else. He told him that it could be like that again, that they could just forget that any of this ever happened.

            Sungjong seemed to have composed himself enough to speak but chose not to, meeting Howon’s eyes with a look that made him have to dry his eyes.

            Howon said the only thing he hadn’t yet- that guys like Myungsoo were untrustworthy. But he didn’t know who he was trying to convince, Sungjong or himself.

            Finally Sungjong spoke, to say that he wished that true, because it would make it a bit less painful to leave him. He slipped the engagement ring off his finger, enclosing it in Howon’s hand, kissing his cheek as he did so.

            They both said the three words that only used to fix everything.

but have it go to waste.

to be too in love

          Dongwoo generally doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind Howon coming home so drunk some nights that he passes out at the doorstep. Or that he sometimes needs someone to hold as cries about Sungjong. Or that sometimes the house smells like a fire while he burns up the pictures. Or that when he drinks at home, he ends up leaving Sungjong voicemails, although the contact is deleted in his phone. Or that it is near impossible for Howon to move on.

            Dongwoo also doesn’t mind that he started off as Howon’s replacement, recovery from Sungjong. He didn’t mind hearing Howon call him the wrong name countless times. He didn’t mind having to plead hear the full story and comforting Howon through his tears after it was told. Because although he can’t understand the way Howon feels, he cares enough. For that Howon is thankful.

...

            When Howon woke this morning he had what felt like a terrible headache. He thinks it might have been from all the drinking, and calls in ‘sick,’ which he and his co-worker have to believe because he is the CEO now.

            The pain fades by noon and he drags himself out of bed to clean up a bit, finishing just as he heard the doorbell ring. He ignores it. He continues to style his hair. He ignores it the second time. And third time. But on the fourth ring he decides that that salesperson is too persistent and opens the door, ready to say he’s not interested in buying anything.

            But it’s no salesperson at the door. It’s Dongwoo. And he’s brought someone else with him. Sungjong. Howon can’t find any words to say, and apparently neither can he. It’s been months and months but apparently all those voicemails have been paying off, because here was Sungjong, standing right in front of him. Dongwoo speaks up first, saying he left his key and that he has to get back to work, and runs off.

            Howon wants to push Sungjong away, because he’s the one who has made Howon like this. Howon wants to punch Sungjong in the face for breaking his heart. Howon wants to tell Sungjong off for picking Myungsoo over him.

            So he gives him the most passionate, kiss possibly he can.

            Because there is a redness in Sungjong’s eyes that tells Howon that he feels pain, too. Because turning away Sungjong was in no way going to fix anything.

            This time they say four words, and although they don’t quite fix things, they say all the other things they couldn’t muster, and it was a good place to start.

to let it go.

Thank you for reading this far! I hope you enjoyed my first fanfiction. Sorry if the words in bold were confusing. I wrote this in a hurry so I may post a better and more edited version on my livejournal later. Feel free to give me any constructive critisism and tell me what you think!