For Kyuhyun it was like a journey through the shaddows. His whole life... his whole career, his existence.

Shaddows...

Monsters hidden everywhere...

He knew most of the time it was quite an exagaration of reality, but sometimes he couldn't help but wonder...

What if...

In a sense he did grow up like a spoiled child. Being the youngest in a fairly rich family had its perks. Both his parents and his sister doted him, showered him with love and presents.

While he could say the pressure on his noona was bigger, though, he still felt this uneasiness all the time.

He was afraid he would mess up something...

Afraid he would fail...

Afraid he would perform not according to the expectations...

And the expectations for a son of the Cho's were high... always high.

At school they all expected the son of an academy owner to be the best in everything.

At church they all expected the son of the deaconess and acknowledged church leader to be the best in everything.

And yeah... since his sister was so good in music...

Music...

It always had a special place in his heart, even when he was challenging new math problems or working on becomming a lawyer. And when he realised he can actually persue carreer in music... he faced what he feared the most.

Disappointment.

Rejection.

His own parents, the father that used to be so proud of him now give his all to prove him this path of his was against his will and showed his disappointment.

What would people think that, you, a son of educators, took a carreer as a singer?

That's what he said. Or at least the revised version of his words.

What would people think...

As if it really matters.

Kyuhyun's question was more like: What do you think?

And he got his answer. Pretty harshly by the way.

He was a disappointment for them.

So he fought to prove them wrong.

To prove they can be proud of him.

To prove he can be proud of himself.

He was accepted and signed with SME.

Little did he know that it was just the beginning of his fight for approval.

His team...

His team rejected him.

From the very beginning.

Without even knowing him that well.

They rejected and resented him.

Not that he blamed them or something.

He knew where they were coming from and fought again to rpove he is worthy of his position.

And after nine months he succeeded.

Somehow he got even fans on his side.

He fought, he wrestled with himself, with the circumstances, with fear itself.

Always.

Because the fear he would be rejected again never disappeared.

Even after all those years...

Even when he was making fun of his hyungs...

Even when he was laughing... fear shone through his eyes.

Fear he would be punished...

Fear he would be misunderstood...

Fear he would disappoint them... 

Fear they would hate him again.

It was a cursed day from the start.

Ryeowook woke up with a fever and was unable to prepare anything for them, he couldn't even drag his body to wake them up.

So they overslept.

Not much, but enough to earn a nagging how they couldn't become reckless just beacuse they were world famous now.

It was shortly after Leeteuk has come back from the army and he was still anxious about the comeback. His comeback.

So this scolding took a big toll on him, and as he was the leader - on everybody else.

Kyuhyun was still sick (again... oh, his immune system). He felt extra drained from the continous practices and his two shows. 

He didn't even find strength to play any games for the last week.

Games...

His usual refuge...

His escape...

He could control reality there and he loved it. He was one of the best and made sure they all know it and comply to it.

But he had no energy for that now.

During the break he watched the members. They were fighting more lately. Just like in the old times.

Just like when they hated him.

The thought came uninvited and he tried to push it away.

It was so long ago.

It was in the past... right?

Leeteuk was frustrated and vented out on Heechul, who answered back... just like then.

He felt the familiar fear grab him by the throat and shook his head.

No.

It won't happen again.

Why was he so sensitive?

Maybe it was the fight he had with his parents a few days ago. They wanted him to marry soon.

They even had a suggestion.

He rejected.

And he saw something in their eyes he hadn't seen for a while.

They were disappointed.

"Come on, maknae!!! We can't wait for you a whole day!!!" Kangin shouted... just like in the old days.

Kyuhyun got up and felt nausea coming, but he pressed his lips together and went into his place in the formation.

Sungmin looked at him and asked:

"Kyuhyunie? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" He answered.

Just like in the old days.

The song began and they went on with choreography. 

At every mistake Leeteuk would yell.

Just like in the old days.

They drove back in silence. Just Eunhae were absorbed in their own world, talking about food again.

Just like in the old days.

Kyuhyun swallowed his tears and went out of the car last.

Just like in the old days.

In the dorm he dropped his backpack on the ground and went to wash up. He looked in the mirror and saw an exhausted-looking version of himself look back. He could feel his fever coming back, but he felt he didn't work hard enough to deserve rest.

Just like in the old days.

He went out and headed to his room.

In the hallway he met Leeteuk, who gave him a tired look, that Kyuhyun in his state took for a glare.

It was too much for him to take.

He grabed suddenly the leader's hand as he was walking past him.

"Please, sunbae-nim..." Leeteuk's eyes widened at the honorifics he hadn't heard from him for more than 8 years.

"Please, scold me... punish me... as much as you want... but please dont' hate me again." Kyuhyun was now pleading with tears.

The other members were not far and they all heard his words and rushed to them to see a broken Kyuhyun who barely had any strength to stay  on his feet.

"Please, don't hate me again... please" He whispered without daring to look up, afraid of what he would see.

"Kyuhyunie..." Leeteuk's voice was soft and his eyes were shining with tears.

"Kyu... what made you think that I would hate you again?" 

He took his shoulders and shook him gently.

"Kyuhyunie... we love you. You are our brother."

Kyuhyun looked up, revealing his shining red eyes.

"We can never hate you."

"R-r-really?"

All the members were crying now. As each one of them went to hug their youngest, an elderly couple watched from the doorway with the manager, tears in their eyes too.

That night a mother, a father, a leader and 11 hyungs took care of a very sick and very hurt Kyuhyun.

Well, he was not that hurt anymore...

One by one his wounds were healed...

He tore the chains he had accepted voluntarily.

He was free.

(A/N So, what about my fisrt angst?)