Before starting to read, I would recommend click on "This Link" to hear the song while reading this. 

The raindrops fell as if the heaven knew, it knew what she wanted and was giving it to her. She was dry though under an umbrella, as the song ‘Your Story’ played on her playlist on repeat. Her gaze was fixated on her feet as it was her habit. She didn’t know why she was out here in the endless falling rain instead of staying warmed up inside her dorm or a cafe. Walking aimlessly, she kept her pace deliberate and sturdy, it felt she had all the time in the world on her hands to spend at the moment. The main point of her focus was her feet, she didn’t care what was happening around her making her oblivious of the fact that people were running for shelter from the soaking rain, which was picking up pace of its furiousness  as the seconds passed by.

Her feet were making their way as if they knew where to go, as if they knew their way around without the interaction of her brain. How could they not? She always went there, whenever she was happy or sad or angry; whatever emotion it was she would find herself there before she could control her legs. That was where it had all started, she didn’t know if that is where it will end or will it ever end for her. All she knew was that she would be coming there for a long time to come maybe for eternity. She had grown attached to that place, or maybe she loved to go there to torture herself. It did bring her a painful peace. Going at another place that she once called hers might be a good idea too, but it hurt her too much now, and she knew she wasn’t that strong anymore after more than a year of trying and waiting.

Her feet halted at the same place, at the same spot, at the same angle. Her eyes were hooked at the water in front of her, instead of sitting down she kept standing while watching the drops fall in the water, rippling it, disturbing the peace of the smooth Han River in front of her. She loved watching the smoothly running water of the river, it always reminded her of the peacefulness and she used to get inspired and it made her peaceful as well from the inside but today was different. As the music, the lyrics of the song filled her ears, her mind, her whole body, she couldn’t help but mumble out the word “Annoying” at the rain drops. Silent took over her lips again. She didn’t like talking not even a word at the same time she wanted to shout out loudly, so loud that it would barf out whatever chaos was inside her. She felt she would explode if she didn’t shout out anything.

It was a year ago or was it a bit more than a year she didn’t care anymore now. The promising words, the hopeful promises; she remembered them clearly, those three words. The ones she was scared to say out loud because they would lose their meaning. At the moment she hated herself, she felt disgusted by herself for making the words lose their meaning in her life. ‘I love you’ seemed so lifeless, so empty and hollow that she hated herself for making them that way in her life.

Slowly letting her umbrella down, she closed her eyes. The umbrella slipped away from her hand with an abrupt force of the wind as if the wind wanted her to feel it more diligently, and she let the umbrella drop out of her almost lifeless hand, keeping her eyes closed. Her closed eyes stayed at the spot she had been looking before, soaking in the shower of nature’s way of hiding her reality from the world, she took in a deep breath. Her clothes slowly draped with steady continuous cold feeling from the wetness of the nature around her. She shivered a little at the cold breeze, since her clothes were wet now. Her closed eyes began to get warm with the rain in them as well that had clouded her for days, as she heard the lines

“Like a habit, I erase you

 Like a habit, I call out to you”

She sang along the lines softly with her eyes, still closed, as she continued to get soaking wet.

 “What am I supposed to do if I’m always alone?

  Why did you leave me?

  Tell me something, at least an excuse.”

Anyone who would see her at the moment would think of her as a person who had lost their mind to be standing and getting wet like this in the cold rain. She took deep breaths to stay calm but she knew as the water was getting ripples because of the rain drops, as it was getting disturbed because of the smallest droplets, she can’t find peace too; since she can’t see the river water at harmony with the smoothness and relaxation at the moment. The warm tears that had been threatening to escape her closed eyes, demolished in the cold rain drops on her cheeks, but she could easily feel the warmth of the tears on her cheeks making her tell the difference between her tears and rain easily.

“I will wait whenever it is,

 Just let me know, I won’t let you go

 That’s my world, let’s go.”

She sang along those lines softly, as she opened her moistened eyes and stopped. The song continued to play in her ears but her lips curved up into a scoffing smirk that changed into a smile as she watched the water. “That’s what you get for greeting the rain with warm open arms. Suffer.” She talked to the water in her head. Her smile faded slowly as more tears form in her eyes. Her lips moved with a barely audible sound. Keeping her teary glistening eyes on the chaos filled water, she tried saying it again; still the sound escaping her lips was barely audible. The tears kept falling her cheeks as her hands clenched into fist for not being able to speak up as she wanted to. She tried again, “Stop” this time the sound came out as whisper as her lips started to get blue with the cold that she was feeling due to the wind blowing through her wet clothed body. Soaking wet wasn’t helping her body stay warm as it protested against the coldness of the rain and the wind blowing around her. It felt as if nothing was effecting her at the moment more than the sound of the drop falling into the water causing it to be in a chaos as the drops got mixed with the water.

“Please stop…” She tried to say something again. Her voice had the tone of begging in it, but again the voice came out as a shaky whisper.

“Stop changing it…” She begged again looking at the water. She couldn’t understand why she was trying to stop something that can’t be changed or stopped. It was happening right in front of her and she couldn’t do anything.

It felt like her life. She had welcomed it warmly and with open arms but she had forgotten how just like the rain drops it would gradually or swiftly get infused in her and change her for good, creating chaos in her as it fell into her soul, into her existence. Standing still, it felt she was watching her life story repeat at the moment.

“Please…” She begged again as her body trembled, maybe out of cold or maybe because she felt weak at the moment. “Please stop. You’re hurting it.” Her voice was shaky from trembling but at least it was softly loud to be heard now only if someone was standing near her.

Her voice shook again as she spoke to the rain drops to stop falling into the river making it suffer from turmoil of the new changes. She remembered she was scared at the turmoil feeling she had felt when she was told to believe in hope and trust in fairytales’ happy ending. It had changed her completely; she wasn’t what she used to be.

Her legs suddenly felt wobbly as they refused to hold her body weight for her making her drop on her knees. She didn’t care if they hurt or not, but the pain she was feeling at the moment was too much to bare. She let the tears fall freely down her cheeks as she hung her head as if she was disgusted by herself.

“Wash it away somehow. Please wash it away.” She begged the rain as she closed her eyes keeping her head hang down and the tears flowed as the rain dropped to the earth and the water mixing itself into the elements.

She wanted the rain to wash away her regrets, her sadness, her memories anything that would help make her smile again, that would make her be who she used to be. She couldn’t believe how she could have changed throughout the time, no matter what she did it was never enough. That day she was so happy but it was engulfed by the foggy presence of nothingness again. She was tired of trying now.

“I can’t any more. I love you but I can’t anymore. I destroyed myself in trying. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Hyunnie. I’m sorry everyone. I failed. I failed … I failed …”

She repeated the words as she lowered her head into her hands that were on the ground burying her head in her hands she kept repeating the words “sorry” and “I failed” as her body gave away the last amount of strength that was left in her making her body go limp, and fall onto the side.

She stayed there with her tears filled eyes closed, fallen at the rock bottom unable to swim up towards the spot where it would be sunshine.

The nature continued to shower it’s condolences to her in the form of rain.