a/n: I just came home from the hospital for some blood extraction – and I haven’t eaten anything yet for the past 12 hours. I’m waiting for my porridge and this came into my mind. I just have to write it. 7/29/2013

 

START

 

He knows he’s beautiful. It’s written on the stars, well, he is a star though not in a literal sense. He’s a performer, world-wide known entertainer. A member of one of the top artists that pushes the hallyu wave out of their country.

He lacked the confidence before…he looked…ordinary. He’s got the voice and dancing skills but not enough confidence to make it. He tried hard back then and was just thankful that it wasn’t yet his time. He’s grateful for now.

Maybe his popularity did get in his head sometimes. He’s one hella hot trouble maker, right? Oh, he knows how girls, ladies, women fantasizes him – he read it on every SNS he searched his name into and he hears it from shameless fangirls. He won’t deny it boosts his ego in everyway possible.

Cold hearted? That’s his façade and he’s fine with that. It’s easier to portray the truth than act as someone they want him to be – good thing it suited him. And he can easily get girls just being the ice prince.

Fact. He can have anyone he wants…anytime, anywhere. It’s not like he’s addicted to – he just sees it as a perk of being a rock, er, pop star. It’s offered, he doesn’t take advantage. But he has his preferences in girls or mostly it was his mood that picks them.

It was one hot summer day when they needed to perform in a beach party. He loved the casual loose sando and shorts as they perform song after song. Though the sun hurts their skin and sweat drenched down to their underwear, he gave his all in dancing and hitting the notes when it was his part. He loved the cheer and even the chant of showing off his abs.

A little more root and he’s definitely going to show it off.

And that was when he saw her, dancing in her short denim shorts and hanging loose shirt. She was beaming a smile up the stage and he made his way to the other side of the stage just to make sure she was looking at him. Bingo.

She’s a target if she’s interested. He’s not the type to push something unwanted anyway.

He searched for her right after their performance; they didn’t need to go back immediately. He searched through the crowd dodging some fans that wanted a picture with him, or just even to sign their bare skin. He gave in to a few but frantically searched for her. It was almost sundown and he can feel his phone went off too many times. He’ll definitely get a scolding for this.

*

It was an afternoon guerilla concert in an amusement park when he saw her next. She was in a yellow sundress, moving her body in sync with their song. He didn’t take his eyes off her, letting her know he noticed her. She smiled and only followed him with her eyes. They’re almost done with their performance but she already turned her back. He wanted to jump off the stage and run after her. He wanted a name, maybe a number too, kakao? Line? But she was gone just as soon as the sun sets and the spotlights blinded his vision.

*

Some mornings at the café down their building were dead and he’s just happy with that. He gets to pick his own drink and sometimes concocts one for his own. Today, he wanted something really, really sweet and he asked for more chips added on his chocolate drink. He was like a kid getting a treat and even closed his eyes when he had his first sip. It was a soft giggle that made him snap his eyes open and was rounded when he saw the familiar figure.

She was leaning lazily in one hand, the other on a straw stirring her own ice coffee. She was smiling her familiar smile and raised an eyebrow. He might have looked stupid standing there, looking shock, straw still in his mouth.

Clearly, he won’t let this pass. He smoothly sat on the seat opposite to her and they were like an awkward couple meeting again after many years.

“Hyunseung.” He offered a hand and she sighed before taking it and shaking it lightly before pulling her hands back. “Your turn to tell your name?”

“Fan.” She just smiled.

“That’s unique?” He shook his head. Well, he still appreciated her not jumping up and down her seat.

She just nodded and continued drinking her coffee. He watched her watched him, randomly smiling and dropping her eyes to look outside. The sky was turning dark, rain clouds blocking the sun.

She sighed again and abruptly stood up and gave him a bow before dashing for the door.

He automatically followed her and held her wrist, stopping her on her tracks. “You don’t really want to tell me your name?”

She just smiled again, her eyes soft as she stared back at him. “I’m a fan. Let’s stick to that first.”

He nodded, not quite understanding her. “Will I see you again?”

“I’m around as long as there is light.” She answered gently and pulled his hands off her wrist. She pulled the door open and waved before walking away.

He’s totally confused. And interested.

*

She’s true to her words – he gets to see her when there is light. Playing safe? Curfew? Traditional? He didn’t care as long as he sees her smile and eyes. Sometimes they share a cup of coffee after the group’s performance, or she’ll get to wait by the backstage to hand him random gifts, or he’ll wait every morning at the café hoping that she’ll drop by. They didn’t talk much but the simplest skinship of brushing fingers when she handed him gifts or her sweet giggles when he throws in a joke were enough to him.

He still doesn’t know her name. No phone number, no means to contact her. But he did gave her his number. Just in case.

He’s completely mesmerized. As simple as that.

*

The rainy season finally came. Bed weather – and he likes to sleep to that. They didn’t have much activity as well and those were glorious days. But that made him frustrated knowing he won’t be seeing her. She left him wondering, wanting more. Is this a new way of playing hard to get? He definitely fell for it.

His bandmates had asked him millions of times if he’s okay. He’ll just nod and stare blankly at them, well, nothing new on how he reacts. But it was Yoseob who made him confess it all, it was over a box of pizza, or two more boxes, that made him say everything. Yoseob just taps his head and left him a few more slices to eat alone.

The hell.

*

Maybe it was Yoseob’s tactics that made him move out of the bed. He needed to get those y abs back. He had too many junk foods fed by their maknae – and working out made him forget about her. A bit.

He stares at his reflection, heaving from some hyper dancing and liked it. He was soaked with sweat and as he wipes it off he remembers that day when he first saw her. Damn, not again.

“Yo hyung!” Yoseob called by the door, “The sun’s out, let’s go out.” He nodded and signaled he’ll follow.

He quickly picked up his sports bag and stuff when his phone went off, an unknown number calling him. He slides the answer button and it his tummy did a flip when he heard her say ‘Hi’.

“Hey.” He answered back, a grin plastered in his face. The sun’s up, she’s back ofcourse.

“Would you like to go for a drive?” She asked, straight and serious.

It didn’t take long for him to say ‘YES’.

*

It was settled, they take his car and they would drive south. She wanted to go back to the beach where he first saw her. It was a fun drive, she was talkative, telling him stories about her childhood. Apparently, it was her hometown they’re going to.

He knew what girls like in a drive, he casually holds her hand if he gets a chance, move close to her seat when she points at something outside her window, and pulled down the top-down and let her enjoy the wind kiss her face and ruffle her long hair.

They made it at the bay, the waves peacefully playing and the sun just giving enough warmth. They sat down on the sand, looking at the endless horizon in front of them.

“Thank you.” She said, “It was really nice meeting you.”

He looked at her, his confusion rising again. They get to meet, without really knowing each other but getting too comfortable with each other. They haven’t really started anything but felt like they’ve known one another for forever but now they’re ending?

“I live here.” She continued, not meeting his gaze. “I won’t be able to comeback with you. I won’t be able to watch you again. But thank you for making me one lucky fan to be this close to you.”

He sighed, “Maybe I want you to be more than a fan.”

She laughed, “You don’t mean that.” She stood up, “The sun is almost setting. You need to go.”

He followed up and turned her to face him, “I don’t know if you’re playing games with me or what. I’m not even your personal chauffer to take you home then brush me off without any explanation. , I don’t even know your real name.”

She stared at him, her soft eyes sad as she gently traced her jaw. “I’m not real and you’re not crazy. I’m just a shadow lost in time, passing by, and I need to come back or else it will mess up your life.”

He still can’t comprehend the nonsense. What? Not real? When he feels her touch. Not crazy? When he endlessly thinks about her. Shadow? What? “I don’t understand.”

“Just trust me when I say you’re not crazy.” She moved forward, her face inches from him. “This is goodbye, Hyunseung.” She kissed him on his lips and he closed his eyes. He then felt a cold wind pass and when he opens his easy again she was already gone and the sun had completely set down, the streetlights already turning on one by one. He looked around searching for her, he can’t call out her name – he doesn’t know it.

“I’m not crazy.” He chanted over and over again and once he was convinced, he laughed heartily. A tear falling from an eye.

Damn. He just cursed out and walked back towards his car, fishing his phone out and dialed Yoseob’s number.

“Where you at hyung?” Yoseob answered with a question.

“Going back home.” He said, “You know what, the night’s better, let’s go out.” Yoseob called the other member’s and they all agreed to wait for Hyunseung at a bar.

The night is better. Yes, I like the night better. And I’m not crazy.

***

a/n: was it crap? I wanted to explain but I don’t know. I just fell li