Once upon a time there was a woman who wished for a child that was cute as a puppy, had hair that changed colour as often as a mood ring, and had a tongue that just wasn’t capable of staying in its mouth.

This woman was an idiot. Therefore, she died.

Her wish had come true, however, for before she relieved the world of a small percentage of stupidity, she gave birth to a baby boy who possessed all of these traits. His name was Sehun, and he was a princess.

Princess Sehun's father, the king, remarried soon after his son's birth. Princess Sehun's new stepfather was the mighty and powerful and super artistic Kris. 

As it turned out, Princess Sehun's father had no artistic talent whatsoever. Kris wasn't cool with that, so he killed his husband, and became king himself.

Everyday, after spending an hour applying his face cream, King Kris would go to his mirror and say: "Xiumirror, Xiumirror on the wall, who has the most swag of them all?"

Xiumin would answer: "How would I know? I'm stuck in this mirror. You're the only person I ever see."

"I'm sorry, did you hear that? That shattering sound? The sound of a sassy mirror being thrown out my sixth story window?"

"PMS much, your highness? Fine, whatever. It's you. You've got the most swag."

One day, however, King Kris went to his mirror and Xiumin answered: "It's definitely Princess Sehun. He came in here the other day to steal your sunglasses, and let me say, your highness, he has your swag-less beat."

King Kris would not stand for this. He immediately sent for an assassin to have his son-in-law murdered. Unfortunately, there weren't any assassins available so he had to settle for a huntsman.

King Kris called the huntsman to his chambers. He had a bow and arrow, and looked capable.

"Are you confident you'll be able to hunt him down?" King Kris asked.

"Of course." Chen said. "They call me the hunting mahsheen."



That night Princess Sehun sat on his queen-sized pink canopy bed, trying to connect to the castle wifi, with no luck. How was Sehun supposed to reblog photos of closet gay men on tumblr or tweet about how he'd broken Kris's sunglasses if he couldn’t access the internet?

Princess Sehun went to King Kris's chambers and asked the mirror, "Xiumirror, Xiumirror on the wall, what the is up with our internet?"

"I don't know. I'm having the same problem. I think Kris changed the password."

"That ."

"He told me if we needed anything to go get him in the dark, abandoned forest outside the castle, miles from civilization."

"Ok. Go get him."

"Uh, hello? Mirror here."

Princess Sehun did not think that a good excuse. "But I'm the Princess. I don’t want to walk that far."

"Yeah, well I'm the mirror, and I can't walk that far because I don't have legs. Now go get Kris. There's a live stream of the Super Junior concert tonight and if I miss it I'm gonna crack and give y'all seven years bad luck."

Princess Sehun left, deciding when he found King Kris he'd tell him to buy a mirror that was mute.

After Princess Sehun left the room, King Kris stepped out of his second walk in closet (he had six) and went over to Xiumin. "Excellent job, mirror. The huntsman will dispose of that brat in no time, and I will once again be the king of swag."

"Whatever. Can I have the password now you douche? The concert starts in ten minutes."

King Kris gave him the password. It was: theultimatenumba1gangsterkingofswagkris.

"I will not type a lie." Xiumin said. "Change it."

Xiumin missed the concert.



Princess Sehun had been wandering around the forest for awhile. He'd long since given up on finding King Kris and was instead attempting to find a signal so he could access the internet on his phone. Facebook needed to know what an his father-in-law was. Holding back on the internet. That was basically child abuse.

Eventually Princess Sehun stumbled upon a man with a bow and arrow. "Hey. You. Peasent. Where can I get wifi around here?"

"I'll show you."

Princess Sehun followed the peasant, who introduced himself. "My name's Chen. Don't worry, I'm not a real huntsman. This bow and arrow are made of plastic. I bought them at the dollar store in the village."

Princess Sehun didn't say anything because peasants were below him and what did that even have to do with the internet anyway.

They reached a rundown cottage nestled in the centre of the forest.

"There you go." Chen said. "There's wifi in there."

Without thanking the peasant, Princess Sehun went to the cottage. Not wanting to knock on such a cheap door, Princess Sehun picked up a rock and threw it at the window. Glass shattered and shouting came from inside.

"Chanyeol! Why would you do that when I'm trying to sleep?!"

"It wasn't me this time, Kai!"

"I ain't cleaning this up! I always clean errything up!"

"Quit ing and start cleaning, Kyungsoo!"

"Luhan that isn't very ni- achoo!... What was I saying again?"

"Let's all try to stay calm, guys-"

"Oh, shut up Suho! We need to find the punk who knocked over my eye-liner!"

Seconds later, a bunch of peasants came out of the cottage.

"Ew." Princess Sehun said, because there were so many of them. "Peasants."

"Actually, we're dwarfs." The one leading them said. "My name is Suho, but everyone calls me Doc."

"No one calls you that, grandpa." The one in the apron said. "My name's Kyungsoo."

"Grumpy Kyungsoo." The one rubbing his eyes said. "I'm Sleepy Kai."

"I'm only grumpy because you guys leave all the house work to me and never say thank you even when I toil and slave-"

"I'm Happy Virus Chanyeol." The smiley one said.

"And I'm- achoo!... I don't remember..."

"He's Sneezy Lay. Whenever he sneezes he forgets what he's about to say. I'm Manly Luhan."

"Dopey Luhan, more like." The one carrying the smashed bottle of eyeliner said. "I'm Not-At-All-Bashful Baekhyun."

"We're the seven dwarfs." Suho concluded.

"Whatever. I demand to use your guys' wifi."

Suho frowned. "We don't have wifi."

"The dwarf that brought me here said you do."

"Chen's not a dwarf." Suho explained. "He's a troll."



Even though they didn't have wifi, Princess Sehun decided to stay with the peasants for awhile, mostly because he couldn't find his way back to the castle. And Grumpy Kyungsoo was really good at cooking.

Meanwhile, King Kris was certain Princess Sehun had been killed. A couple of weeks later, after the whole Super Junior concert issue had blown over and Xiumin was willing to talk to him again, King Kris asked: "Xiumirror, Xiumirror, on the wall, who has the most swag of them all?"

"It still isn't you, Kris. And I'm still not over that concert. Piss off."

This was how King Kris learned both that Princess Sehun was still alive and that mirrors could hold a very long grudge. King Kris sent for the huntsman, but upon finding he'd been given a false address, decided to solve the problem himself.

It wasn't too hard to locate Princess Sehun; a dopey dwarf living in the forest had let slip that a princess was staying with them when he was in the village.

This time King Kris wouldn't let Princess Sehun get away.



Princess Sehun was in the middle of doing one of his favourite things- wandering the forest around the dwarfs home in search of a signal- when he noticed a man approaching him. The man had short, nearly shaved black hair and wore a pair of sunglasses.

"Ayo, wassup." The man said. "I'm Wufan."

"Ew." Princess Sehun said, because this too was a peasant.

The man held out a cup to Princess Sehun. "Want this bubble tea? It's chocolate."

"My favourite!"

"Wow. What a surprise. I definitely didn’t know that.”

Princess Sehun accepted the bubble tea and left, because why would he hang around that peasant?

By the time he got within sight of the cottage, Princess Sehun had finished his bubble tea. He'd just swallowed his last mouthful when he became very dizzy. Unable to keep his footing, Princess Sehun fell onto the grass. His last thought before blacking out was: Ew. Peasants have walked on this.



The seven dwarfs couldn't wake up Princess Sehun no matter how much they (Suho- none of the others cared enough) tried. They carried Princess Sehun back to the cottage, and laid him out on a bed like he was a dead person at a wake. Not-At-All-Bashful Baekhyun even put some eye-liner on him. Instead of flowers, they put his phone in his hands.

"So when do we bury him?" Dopey Luhan asked.

"When he doesn't have a pulse anymore." Sleepy Kai said, then with a yawn. "Looking at him sleeping like that makes me tired. I'm going to bed too."

"It's your turn to do the dishes!" Grumpy Kyungsoo snapped, but Sleepy Kai ignored him and climbed in his bed. Grumpy Kyungsoo angrily waved around the spoon he'd been using to make dinner, "Am I the only one who cares about our living conditions?!"

"I- achoo!...sorry. I forgot if I care or not."

"When can I have my bed back?" Happy Virus Chanyeol asked. "I mean, it's ok, I'm happy to let him use it. I'm just wondering, because that's the only bed I fit in. My feet hang off the end of the others..."

"Don't worry." Suho said. "I'm sure he'll wake up soon."

"No one cares if he wakes up." Not-At-All-Bashful Baekhyun said. "But did I do a good job with his eye-liner or what?"



A week passed. By this point Happy Virus Chanyeol had started to complain about back problems, from sleeping on the floor, but the other dwarfs cared even less about this than they did about Princess Sehun.

One day, someone came knocking at the dwarfs’ door. Suho answered it and found a handsome young man and a panda on their doorstep.

"Hello, it's nice to meet you. I'm Prince Tao, from the neighbouring country."

"We're dwarfs." Not-At-All-Bashful Baekhyun said, before Suho could start the introductions. The other six dwarfs really hated how long it took to introduce themselves.

"I met a dwarf on my way here." Prince Tao said. "He went by the name of Chen, and told me I could find bamboo for my hungry mount at your house."

After explaining they had none, Suho invited Prince Tao inside. Prince Tao saw Princess Sehun immediately. Even in his sleep, Princess Sehun's tongue was hanging out of his mouth. Prince Tao couldn't help falling in love instantly.

When Prince Tao asked about Princess Sehun, Suho told him the whole story. By the end of it, Prince Tao was in tears.

"That's so tragic! He lost his mother and his father and he never got along with his step-father when they should have been the closest people in the world! It makes me want to cry!"

"You're already crying." Dopey Luhan said.

Sneezy Lay was about to pass Prince Tao a tissue box, but sneezed as he was doing so. Looking momentarily lost, Sneezy Lay put the tissue box back down, then took a tissue for himself as he sneezed again.

"I just don't understand why they couldn't get along!" Prince Tao sniffled. "If only we could wake up Princess Sehun and sit him and King Kris down in the same room to talk out their differences- I'm sure they'd become really close!"

After all the dwarfs agreed there was no way to wake up Princess Sehun, Prince Tao bade them goodbye. Before he left, however, he went over to the sleeping princess and bent down to give him a kiss.

Princess Sehun's eyes fluttered open, then widened as he shoved Prince Tao away, "Molester!"

"No, it's ok! I'm a prince and I'm in love with you!"

Realizing how hot Prince Tao was and how not peasantly, Princess Sehun decided it really was ok and started kissing him again. This went on for quite some time. It got to the point where the dwarfs felt so awkward they left their own house.

A couple of hours later, Princess Sehun and Prince Tao were engaged. They rode back to Prince Tao's kingdom on his panda, where they would hold the wedding. All the dwarfs were invited (Tao's doing, not Sehun's. Why would he invite dumb peasants?)

King Kris was also invited. On the day of the wedding, the king dressed to his finest, playing up his new gangster look. Ever since cutting his hair to disguise himself from Princess Sehun, he'd had to change his style. In retrospect, a wig might have been a better disguise. Still, King Kris had swag.

Before leaving for the wedding, King Kris asked Xiumin, "Xiumirror, Xiumirror on the-"

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"No. Just no, Kris. I refuse. I'm done with this. I am so done."

"You can't be done, you're my mirror."

"Not anymore I'm not. I quit. I'm an independent mirror now. Officially independent. So screw you."

"Xiumin, don't be so hasty, we can work this out-"

"Find a new mirror!" Xiumin's face disappeared, then reappeared one last time. "And Princess Sehun still beats you in everything!"

King Kris gasped, "You don't mean that! Even... even in drawing?"

"Kris, I beat you in drawing and I don't have hands. Get over it."

King Kris planned to get over it, by finally killing Princess Sehun. King Kris went to the wedding, coming up with new plans to dispose of Princess Sehun completely, only to arrive and find that the princess was the one getting married.

At first shocked, King Kris soon realized this was perfect timing. He snuck into Princess Sehun's rooms in Prince Tao’s castle, where the princess was getting ready for his wedding.

"Oh, Wufan." Princess Sehun said, seeing King Kris. "Did you bring me more bubble tea?"

That was when Prince Tao came in with his wushu stick, "Are you ok, princess? The dwarfs said they saw a suspicious person enter your rooms!"

"He's not suspicious." Princess Sehun said. "I met him when I was alone at night in the woods and he gave me my favourite beverage."

"In that case, nice to meet you." Prince Tao said. "I hope you enjoy our wedding."

"I'll be the only one to enjoy it!" King Kris exclaimed, and then he turned into a dragon with fluffy white wings, snatched up Princess Sehun, and flew out the roof.

Prince Tao gave chase on his panda. When he was close enough to King Kris, he did a wushu flip off his panda and onto the dragon's back. Kris craned his head around to glare at Prince Tao.

"I know you're my fiancé’s father-in-law!" Prince Tao shouted. "I still think we can fix these family issues and get along!"

King Kris disagreed and opened his mouth to set Prince Tao ablaze.

"You leave me no choice!" Prince Tao suddenly made the cutest expression King Kris had ever seen, "Bbuing bbuing <3"

It was an instant knock out. King Kris transformed back into a human mid-air. Prince Tao landed on his feet, catching Princess Sehun in a princess hold while King Kris crashed into the seven dwarfs who had come to help.

Prince Tao smiled down at Princess Sehun, "Can we live happily ever after now?"

"Ew no. I don't want Chanyeol around. He's a peasant."

Prince Tao leaned down and kissed Princess Sehun, and the dwarfs applauded until Prince Tao started taking advantage of the tongue that was already hanging outside the princess's mouth. Then it just got awkward again and the dwarfs left.



In the end, King Kris decided to join the dwarfs, and gave himself the dwarf name ‘Swag’, to which all the other dwarfs added 'Lack-Of' to the beginning, Xiumin decided to take up a career as an artist just to spite Kris and ended up having remarkable success as the first ever ‘artist that never actually makes any art because he’s a mirror and doesn’t have a body’. Chen continued trolling from afar, and Prince Tao and Princess Sehun lived peasent-lessly ever after.