~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Sleep eluded Yesung
His heart threatened to burst from within his ribcage
His body drenched in icy sweat
His mind racing,
Rendered untouchable, unstoppable
His soul at a sickening unease

Refusing to lay there in agony for another instant,
Jongwoon slowly rose,
Hoping not to disturb the figure sleeping peacefully by his side
He reached for the light switch, but decided against it
Suddenly aware of the dim glow of the nightlight that had been left on
Ryeowook’s

The man, who was in his mid-twenties, was still scared of the dark
Now that Yesung thought of it,
Ryeowook was still frightened by many things
But that’s what Jongwoon loved about his little bear
He had someone to protect
Shelter that tiny body from harm
Soothe him

Yesung bit his lip
But not for much longer…

He slowly slid across cotton and silk,
Sheets and pillows scattered like debris from a disaster site
And sat on the edge of the cozy bed

Yesung stared at his reflection in the flawless mirror
That hung securely on the closed bedroom door
He grinned wearily,
Desperately trying to console himself
To no avail

The droplets had already formed
This time, he didn’t even try to withhold them
His soft cheeks becoming streaked with tears
An unusual dark shade surrounding his eyes

He hated feeling like this
Doubtful
Weak

But tonight, it was inescapable
No matter how he tried to justify
Reason
Raise confidence

Jongwoon couldn’t deny it

He was scared to death

In two days,
He would leave the beautiful world had he lived in for nearly a decade
The applause and shouts
The blinding stage light
The photoshoots
The radio shows
The dance practice
The familiar feel of his fingers wrapping around the microphone
The extravagant lifestyle
The…
Everything

But to be honest, he cared little for what he would leave behind,
Instead, his mind only lingered on who he would leave behind

Appa and Umma
His beloved, supportive parents
The ones who had done everything for him to progress so far into this world
Allowed him to pursue his dream
Though he rarely saw them anyway, he knew that this would be a different distance
He had no idea how to cope with the oncoming realization

The countless number of loving fans
ELF, they were called in English
Ever Lasting Friends
It could be exhausting at times,
The shrill screams,
The mobs on the streets and at their hotel
But Yesung knew their hearts,
Their love
How he would miss those smiling faces
The ocean of glow sticks
Without them,
He’d be nothing
Just another individual with a decent voice
Unknown to the world

But most of all,
He would be absent from the members
The family
The brothers he loved and cherished so dearly

Sungmin, his little bunny
Hyukjae, the monkey with a gummy smile
Donghae, his fellow ocean buddy
Shindong, that whale who always stole his Ramen
Kangin, the strong, gentle raccoon who had just returned from his own service
Kyuhyun, that sweet, clever little fox with the angel voice and evil schemes

Oh, how he missed Leeteuk hyung, who was in the army this very instant
His leader’s sweet dimpled smile
Always there to give him motherly advice
Yesung wondered if somehow, they could meet

Heechul hyung,
Also serving but would be coming back soon
He was so quiet and had that hard outer shell,
But Jongwoon knew that he was sincerely soft and gentle
Like a turtle , he thought, almost smiling at this
But Heechul was really more cat-like than anything,
Never bound by promises,
Never seemed to care
But yet, he was always there

He then moved on to Siwon and Ryeowook

His breath hitched

Siwon and Ryeowook

His two blood brothers
The best men on the face of the earth

Siwon,
His best friend, his mentor
That soft, deep voice that always guided him
That encouraging smile,
The warm embrace that always made Yesung feel safe
Siwon was always there to pick him up when he fell
Jongwoon’s heart felt warmth despite the tears cascading down his face

Ryewook
His other best friend
His little bear
The one he babied and spoiled constantly
Because he couldn’t help it
The younger man just seemed so vulnerable
Bursting with natural aegyo
Yesung made it a point to always be there for him…
To protect him and spend time with him
To soothe him when he felt depressed
To make him laugh when tears welled in his eyes
But his little Wookie had never failed to do the same for him

He knew that the army training would be severely intense
But this was not what frightened him
He was aware that his status was nothing
He was just to be another number
But this is not what made him uneasy

His heart was weighed down with the continuing pressure of his worst fear
Failure

For his entire life, he had been successful
But the creeping doubt had constantly whispered throughout his life
The threat of failure hanging over him like a 40 ton block
Now, the fear had grown by a hundred
A thousand
A million times

He felt a new wave of tears engender in his eyes
Panic flooded his system as innumerable questions entered his brain

What if he wasn’t strong enough?
What if he couldn’t contact the people he loves?
What if something terrible happened to his parents or to the band?
What if the other soldiers despised him, believing him to be weak?

What if he lost his voice?

He had just woken from a horrible dream about this
His spine shivered violently at the remembrance

***

Yesung stood on a tiny stage,
The brilliance of the spotlight shines directly on him,
Surrounding him in its intense glow
Causing beads of sweat to appear on his forehead

It took him a moment to realize he was alone
And how small the stage really was,
Only big enough for two of his steps on all sides

Jongwoon looked forward,
Then gasped in shock as his brain froze

In front of him was the biggest audience he had ever seen
The ocean of faces was endless,
The entire population of earth seemed to be present
And they were just…
Watching him
Their expressions blank
Expecting

Yesung was completely used to attention
But this…
This was entirely different
Yesung could feel the weight in their stares
This made him uneasy
As if he had been held upside down for too long

He scanned the massive external expanse,
Desperately searching for a familiar face
Finally, after forever,
He found all his brothers
Leeteuk, Heechul
Zhou Mi, Henry
Even…
Kibum and Hangeng

He wanted to cry at the beautiful thought of all of them together
At last
Sitting directly down in front of him in the first row

Alongside were Appa and Umma
His childhood friends
Jongwoon was confused
But his relief was undeniable

The silence was suffocating
He realized his ears had not absorbed a single sound wave
No whisper
No cheer
No restless squirm
No movement whatsoever

He bit his lip, extremely confused
All the concert experience had vanished from his memory
He felt as if it was his first time on stage

He stood there dumbly,
Confused and alone

He had only been up here for a few seconds,
But to him, with each passing moment,
Years passed

His eyes once again focused on his fellow members
Instantly, he fixed his attention solely to Ryeowook
His gentle big chocolate eyes were wide with intent,
And his mouth seemed to be moving
Trying to tell Yesung something…
But what?

Yesung kept his gaze on the man,
Desperately trying to understand

No sound exited,
But Ryeowook’s persistent third attempt was successful
He could make out the mouthed word “sing”

Yesung nodded slowly,
Then became aware of the microphone gripped in his sweaty palms,
His tiny hand clenched around it
He too, seemed to be moving in slow motion
His arm barely seemed to respond to the signal to rise
Finally, he put the microphone up to his face
The familiar object pressing gently against his philtrum
Jongwoon took a deep breath
Inhale,
Exhale

He opened his mouth
And sang deeply from his diaphragm
His loud, powerful voice taking over the entire space
Spreading over the silence

Except Yesung realized that no sound had been made

He quickly to sing once more,
But his throat was parched
Blocked,
It was impossible to utter a sound

He immediately turned to the first row for comfort
But every seat was empty
His parents, friends,
Leeteuk, Heechul, Hangeng,
Kangin, Shindong, Sungmin,
Eunhyuk, Donghae,
Kibum, Zhou Mi,
Kyuhyun, Henry,
Siwonie…
Wookie…

Gone

His dark chocolate eyes searched the crowd,
Looking anxiously for them
To no avail

The audience, he noticed,
Had become restless

He just stared when they began to murmur

“What’s wrong with him?”
“Sing, idiot!”
“Yah! What’s he doing?”

Yesung began to feel pressured
He desperately tried once again

Only to force a strangled gasp of air
The entire earth burst into laughter as he attempted again and again

No words
No note
Not a single sound leaving his mouth

Jongwoon felt his face go red as scarlet

The mocking abruptly led to anger
And soon, he was afraid for his very life as objects were heaved at him
Along with stinging insults

Yesung entered a traumatic state
His body becoming paralyzed
His inactivity allowed a shoe to hit him square in the stomach,
Followed by an unidentified brick-like projectile in the chest
The wind painfully knocked out of his lungs
He staggered back, and miscalculated how little space he had…

Yesung fell off the stage

He expected to feel the hard collision of ground
Instead, the floor opened up into endless darkness
He fell into never-ending pitch black silence

Falling, falling…

His mouth is open in silent horror,
Fear

He couldn’t even scream as he tumbled further, further, further…

***

"Hyung? Hyung, are you alright?"

Yesung snapped back into reality and back to his senses
There was a gentle hand on his shoulder
A tired Ryeowook staring deeply at him, eyes full of concern

“Wh- what?”

“Are you alright?”, Ryeowook repeated shakily
“You’re crying and shivering so much… I’ve never seen you like this.”

Yesung instantly brushed the tears from his face with his tiny hands,
Cursing himself for crying in front of Ryeowook

“I’m fine. Go back to sleep now, you need rest.”
Yesung forced a smile, trying hard not to worry the younger man further
The hand didn’t leave his shoulder

“No, Jongwoon. I’m not sleeping until you tell me what’s wrong”
Ryeowook moved from his original position in front of Yesung and sat next to him
Both of them gazing indirectly forward at the mirror

Jongwoon searched for the right words to say
The right tone
The right face that would maintain his usual strength
You know what?
Typical Yesung be damned
This was his best friend
There shouldn't be any secrets to keep them apart

“I’m… I’m scared Wookie.
I don’t want things to change while I’m gone,
But yet somehow, I know they will.
I don’t want this all to go away.
I couldn’t bear it.”

Before he could continue,
Ryeowook had begun to speak in that soft, gentle voice
The voice that quieted Jongwoon immediately

“Hyung, how long have I known you?”

“Ummm… It’s been more than ten years I think, wh-"

"Exactly," Ryeowook spoke again, cutting Yesung off
“And in that time, we have experienced so much,
As a group, as individuals,
Look how far we’ve come!
We’re still the people we were before debut
But we’re older,
Stronger,
More mature,
Change is necessary, Yesungie,
It helps us grow.
However, I promise while you’re gone,
I won’t change.
I’ll always be here for you,
We all will.
If anything, we’ll change for the better.
Who knows?
Maybe I can learn to sleep with the light off while you’re gone!”

A bright smile was flashed to Yesung after this statement
He couldn’t help but smile in return
It was only for a moment, since the plethora of concerns,
Doubts and questions in his mind weighed him down

“What if they treat me differently? Because of what we do…
What if they don’t think I’m capable?
I… am capable, right ?”

Ryeowook chuckled softly before offering more advice to the man in distress
“Leeteuk hyung and Kangin hyung felt the same way, remember?”

Yesung nodded, biting his lip in a continual unease

“Yes, but Leeteuk hyung is likable, his character demands respect and trust.
He has that presence, that… authority.
He’s very strong and brave, as well as selfless, the others must see that.
As for Kangin hyung, look at him!
No one would dare call him weak,
He could snap them in half in an instant if he wanted to!
Ahhh, so tough…
But me,
I am nothing.
Oh sure, I can sing.
I can dance.
I can even MC decently.
But all they will see is a weakling, I-“

Jongwoon instantly ceased when a soft hand covered his mouth
He looked at Ryeowook,
And his heart immediately broke as it always had when he saw
The younger man’s eyes go cloudy with potential tears
Ryeowook’s lip quivered as his voice dropped to a sad, soft whisper

“Please never say such things,
I never want to hear that from you ever again!
You are nothing?
That's really what you think?

I can tell you differently.
That person you call ‘nothing’,
He is my best friend.
He’s always there.
Sometimes he babies me too much, but I know he’s showing he cares.
I’ve never really had friends before he came in my life.

When I cry, I look up to see his shoulder wet with my tears.
When I feel alone, he is suddenly sitting next to me.
When I am frightened, he will walk protectively in front of me.

Always making me smile,
Always making me laugh with that funny face,
That dramatic expression,
The random molestations of my philtrum.

This person keeps me going every day,
I can confidently walk, knowing God has placed him beside me.

This individual you call ‘nothing’,
Why, he’s the strongest person I know.”

Yesung’s eyes darted back and forth between Ryeowook’s,
Feeling another wave of tears threatening to fall
This time, it wasn’t from sorrow

“R-really?”, he managed to ask through sniffles

The younger man just laughed and wrapped his arms around Jongwoon’s waist,
Seeing that his older companion was attempting to hide his tears once again
“Yes, of course. Would I ever lie to you?
Hyung, it’s okay to cry once in a while.
You’re always there to comfort me when I cry,
And I think it’s time for me to do the same.”

Jongwoon smiled and was about to speak when the door opened,
The hallway light flooded into the room,
Illuminating the entrance of the familiar face of Siwon

He was slightly taken aback to see Yesung and Ryeowook
Sitting on the edge of the bed
Yet even more surprising,
The light exposed Jongwoon’s tear-streaked cheeks
And a sleepy, sad-looking Ryewook attempting to comfort him

Instantly, Siwon kneeled before the two,
His dark eyebrows knit in concern

“Hyung, are you alright?
I was just reading the Bible in my room,
And I thought I heard some commotion…
Is everything okay?”

Yesung bit his lip, sighing
He didn’t want all this attention
Yet somehow, it was the best feeling in the world knowing that they cared

Finally, he revealed the ultimate source of fear
To his best friends
To the people he loved

“What if I let you guys down?
I mean, what if I screw something up and shame SuJu?
What if I returned, and I’ve changed, or maybe I’ll forget how to sing…
I couldn’t live with myself if I harmed any of you in any way…”

Jongwoon felt two familiar arms wrap around him,
Along with a pair of thin legs encircling his waist
A dark red haired head pressed gently against his chest
He felt a smile curl up his lips, even despite the unease that pained his heart

An instant later, Siwon had moved further back on the bed,
Behind Yesung and the adorable little barnacle named Ryeowook
He wrapped his arms both of them

“We love you, Jongwoon… You have to know that.
You are so incredibly special.
I thank God for you every day-
For that beautiful voice,
All those little quirks,
The philtrum molestations,
(Yesung felt a hand creep up him until it had reached
The soft concaved flesh between his nose and upper lip as this was being said
Yet somehow, he didn’t mind)
That shaggy mop of hair,
That sweet smile,
Those little baby YeHands
(Yesung desperately wanted to protest at this statement, but didn’t dare cut Siwon off)

You’re such a fail sometimes, but we love you for it,
And don’t you think for a moment that there’s anything you could do to make us stop
You will always be a part of SuJu, we all will-
Army or not

As for your voice,
Just don’t stop singing
Sing to yourself as much as you can
That way, you can’t forget anything
You can’t be afraid to lose it."

For the first time that night,
Yesung felt at ease

God, he loved these people so freaking much…

He pulled Ryeowook closer to him and leaned back,
Making the three of them press together in a warm, unbreakable hug
Yesung felt so secure and loved in this tangle of arms
He never wanted to leave…

Jongwoon was naturally needy,
Though he hated to admit it and tried to cover it up with a tough exterior
He craved physical affection,
Desired the gentle hand on his shoulder,
The back-hugs and the tangle of fingers entwined with his on stage
The handshake of a fan,
The closeness of a member, their sides pressing together on the sofa while watching TV

However, this embrace had put every form of skinship to shame
He could feel himself drowning in love,
Sandwiched between two people who were pouring everything into him in this moment

Yesung took in a breath
He would be strong for them
Wookie, Siwon, Super Junior-
His family

He would return to his mother’s sweet smile
To the precious fans
Two years? Who cares?

He would make up for every lost moment
He was no longer afraid
If he failed, he would be assured of instant recovery
He was more secure than a turtle in its shell
He was invincible,
He was-

“Yesungie?”

“Yes, Ryeowook?”

“I can’t breathe, hyung. You’re squishing me…”
Siwon chuckled in the background, ruffling Jongwoon’s hair

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I just… I’m going to miss you guys so much.”
Siwon and Ryeowook simultaneously pulled from the hug,
Turning on either side to look at Yesung

The little red-head smiled up at him, blinking those big, bright, watery eyes
“You’re going to miss us?
We’re the ones who are going to fall apart without you!
What other person do I have to compete with his turtles with just to get his attention?
Who else, other than Kyuhyun, do I have to clean up after
When he makes the kitchen a disaster area?
Who else will give me a back rub after a long day when I feel stressed and sleepy?
Who else will-“

“Rub our philtrums?”, Siwon added, not bothering to hide his dashingly handsome grin

The two dongsaengs burst into laughter as Jongwoon covered his face in his tiny palms,
Still not big enough to cover his eyes squinting in embarrassment as he whined
“Enough with the philtrum already!”

“And hey!”, Siwon exclaimed in worry once Yesung had calmed down
“Who’s gonna help me Eunhae?”

Jongwoon and Ryeowook chuckled at Siwon’s seriousness
Yesung grinned, finding joy in the subject at hand
“You’re Shisus. You’ll always find a way;
Though I will surely miss those two little heathens with all my heart.”

“Hey! I heard that!”, came a voice from the other side of the wall,
Making Yesung and Siwon look at each other, eyes filled with dread
“Oh no…”

An instant later, the door burst open to a lightning-quick flash of blond hair
(Hyukjae’s, of course)
And a sleepy-eyed, yawning Donghae clumsily following his roommate in pursuit,
Still clutching his Nemo plushie under his armpit

Hyukjae pounced on Yesung, mercilessly tickling him on the bed
Jongwoon burst out into a fit of rather unmanly giggles,
Squirming about like an octopus and calling for the aid of Siwon and Ryeowook

“Help me! Why aren’t you stopping him?! You disloyal punks- Ooof!”

Another object had landed on top of him, smothering his face in orange fur
Nemo fishie be damned, thought Yesung, though he wasn’t really angry
Ryeowook and Siwon jumped in,
Creating a massive, restless tangle of limbs on the small bed

“Yah! What’s all this?”, exclaimed Jongwoon between giggles,
While in reality he was so used to this situation, it was automatic

A disheveled Sungmin stepped in,
His pink blanket still wrapped around his small shoulders like a Superman cape
“Omo! What are you doing to Yesungie hyung?”

“That’s what I was wondering!
I swear, this is ra-“

“Shut up Jongwoon. Anyway, join in Sungmin!”, Hyukjae’s gummy smile was wide,
Ruthlessly subjecting his victim to tickle torture

With a shrug of resignation, Sungmin launched himself onto the bed,
Ruffling Yesung’s thick black hair

No one noticed Kangin and Shindong’s arrival moments later,
Due to the giggles, grunts, and shouts that filled the room,
Along with meaningless curses from Yesung,
Some words muffled by Donghae’s suffocation tool, Nemo

“Wait,” Sungmin said suddenly, beginning to examine each face
“Where’s Kyuhyun?”

It went silent for a moment,
Before everyone heard the faint beeps and every kind of digital noise imaginable

“KYUHYUN!”, they all yelled at once,
Not surprised at the maknae for killing “Zergs” or whatever instead of being with them

“What is it now?”, a grumpy Kyuhyun called from his room,
Obviously upset for being disturbed from his precious game

No one answered him

Being at the bottom of the most crushing dog-pile in history didn’t really annoy Yesung

Instead, he felt happy,
Overjoyed

Yesung smiled again, his tears now a dried distant memory upon his cheeks

This was his family
He belonged here
And he would never stop
Never stop laughing,
Never stop working hard,
Never stop the sweat, blood, nor the tears they had all poured into this together

Never stop singing

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Thank you so incredibly much for reading :)
I'm not looking for praise, but please give your honest opinion of how I did
This is my first fanfic, so any input would help tremendously ^^
Have a wonderful day!
Smile :D