He knows he will never have her. No need to tell him he's delusional and getting his hopes up. No need to remind him that the girl he loves has a boyfriend. He knows that to her, he's a friend - just a very good friend.

Jongin had always assumed that the moment Soojung had her first love, it would be easier to forget her. He figured that when he knows she's out of reach, the heart beats would return to a normal rate. He'd also imagined at that point another girl would enter the picture and sweep him off his feet.

Neither of these things occured in quite the way his head had promised. Soojung called him over to hang out at their local mcdonalds. Jongin was used to her inviting him over to hang out with their other friends. Sometimes, they would head to the local park and swing lazily while catch up with each other's lives. It was a pretty normal situation until he walked in and found an unfamiliar pair of eyes looking back at him, a man much older than him sitting beside her. Soojung hadn't noticed Jongin entering and was much too focused on the way the man smiled. He had a smile that Jongin didn't like - he was used to boys smirking and giving Soojung longing eyes - she was gorgeous as hell. Who could blame them? but this guy's smile was more than that - it was requited, returned. Soojung was smiling back at him in quite the same way he was towards her. It was obvious what kind of a picture was being painted here. Soojung had done it - she had fallen in love. Jongin also knows that it's love between the two because when he sits across from them, neither hear the scape of the chair against the tiled floor. He also knows it's love for Soojung and the mystery man because for the very first time, he's afraid. He's never been worried about boys around her because he knows that she doesn't see them that way. He can tell - he's very good at sussing out who likes whom and he'd always been quite happy to note that Soojung had neutral eyes for most. Her eyes, now, crinkle into small crescent moon shapes as she slowly turns to Jongin, half way through a laugh,

''oh, Jongin!'' her eyes widen, ''when did you get here?''

He shrugs in response and it takes everything not to collapse to the floor. His heart feels heavy as he swallows down some saliva clogged up in in throat. He  doesn't want to but at the same time, he knows she's going to tell him any way - he wants to be the one to ask, instead. Quickly as possible, he wants to pain to take it's hold on him and prepare him for the week ahead. He nods towards the man and Soojung, with a surprised look on her face and then a small, shy smile turns to her side,

''this is Jongin, my friend I was telling you about earlier.''

Jongin wonders what she has been saying about him.

The man gives him a nod, ''hey. The name's Joonmyun.''

''...and you are?'' Jongin knows he sounds bitter.

As if Soojung notices the tension between the two men, she answers Jongin's question,

''This is Joonmyun. I wanted you to meet him, Jongin....you know how we made that promise..?''

Jongin's memories swim about until they are jogged about to the right place.

Soojung and him, swinging at the park on a lazy sunday afternoon. They had school tomorrow and Soojung was complaining about one of their friends, Jinri and her boyfriend. Jinri had started dating Park Chanyeol and ever since, hadn't been able to meet up for a while. Soojung was understandly upset as the two had known each other since nursery.

''Honestly! she kept that hidden for so long. It's like she doesn't trust me. What was the worse that I was going to do? man, I would have congratulated her. Did she think I would have been jealous? seriously.''

Jinri had explained the reason for her keeping quiet of the fact that she had a boyfriend, was due to being afraid of the relationship falling apart quickly.

''What's so embarassing about that? kids at school are always hooking up with strangers and then dumping them for someone else the next day. I'd hardly judge her for it. It's the norm. We're young - of course, no one's expecting her and Chanyeol to make a lifetime commitment or something. Damn. I swear, Jongin, if you EVER do something like that to me...!''

Jongin had immediately defended himself, ''I wouldn't. Ever.''

what he meant was that he would never enter a relationship. He'd been pretty much relying on the fact that one day he would admit he loved Soojung and they would get together. Why would another girl be in the equation?

''Good.'' she had been pleased, as she swung higher and higher in the air, her boots kicking against the dusty ground. Her hair whipped against the breeze and because it was so long, it sometimes took over her face and made her unable to see through them - Soojung never tied her hair up because it gave her headaches.

''I won't, either. If I ever get a boyfriend, I'll be sure to let you know first. Jinri will know second, that traitor. You better tell me yours to me first, okay??''




-

This was the part where Jongin knows who Joonmyun is and what he means to Soojung.

''Well, we did make a promise...'' Soojung trails off, as she winks at Jongin. Joonmyun doesn't seem perplexed at all by this, but rather he is in the know about their promise as well, which irritates Jongin beyond belief.

''I'm...well, Joonmyun and I are together, like that.''

Her words are awkward and can appear vague but she doesn't need to spell it out for him because her smiles and shyness give it all away.

Right after her confession, she begins to explain how they met and Jongin cannot bear to hear any of it. He cannot but he still does. He hears how Joonmyun works at their local music shop and Soojung and him had a conversation about their favourite group. Jongin knows how much she loves Radiohead - her last birthday, he had given her their latest album as a birthday gift.

Joonmyun and Soojung had hit it off with Joonmyun asking her for coffee on his break. They sat in a cafe and continued talking and Jongin wants to pull the heart out of his chest so that it would stop beating him up like this. He holds his tears but he doesn't know how much longer he can. All the reasons Soojung likes Joonmyun were similar to how Jongin and her got along in the first place.  Music.

they'd been seven years old and had show and tell. Soojung brought in her dad's music collection - old vinyls. Jongin had brought in HIS father's music collection and the class had said they had copied each other's idea. The two denied this - having barely noticed the other existed in class. Well, Jongin knew who she was - she was the prettiest girl in their class. Soojung had never known they were classmates. They began to talk about their fathers and the awesome music their parental figures played.

It sounded fairly similar, the story of how they met except Jongin knows the difference,

Joonmyun had said right off the bat that he was into her.

Jongin had waited.



-


A week went by and despite it all, he could not find another girl as quickly as he thought he could. He figured it would be easy - plenty more fish in the sea, as they say but it wasn't.
A month went by and a girl named Park Sunyoung confessed to him but Jongin's heart was still in pieces on the floor. He'd witnessed the make-out sessions between Soojung and Joonmyun at this point and it'd taken him two whole weeks to get the images out of his mind. He went out on a few dates with Sunyoung (telling Soojung, keeping his side of the promise between them), but it never worked. Soojung had been sad that they broke up, having liked Sunyoung. Jongin had said it hadn't felt right - he couldn't tell her that he was nursing a broken heart. He couldn't look her in the eyes anymore without seeing a different person. He couldn't bear to hear the name of her boyfriend without wanting to disappear on the spot.

He wishes he could turn back time and say something before Joonmyun had entered their lives. He wishes so badly that he could have prevented the two from meeting -

a small part of him, although he tries his hardest to ignore it,

wishes he had never met her at all.


He wishes that they hadn't spoken that day when they were ten years old and completely unaware of what love was.


He wishes, most of all,





he didn't know what it was to love.