‘Cause I feel like I’m the worst, so I always act like I’m the best.

                                                                                Marina and the Diamonds.

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Baekhyun’s family was forever proud of him, since he grew up in front of everyone’s eyes as a confident, always overachieving child. They never seemed to worry about his noticeable lack of friends his age, but maybe they should've.

He had vague memories from when he was 5 years old, thinking that he was nothing special, and wondered what actually made him entertain such nonsensical thoughts. The countless racks displaying sports trophies all around his room, along with his neatly framed school excellence diplomas that he will realize with a heavy heart in the future are actually worth next to nothing, clearly proved otherwise.

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2003/06/17    -    Seoul Metropolitan District, St. Peter Private Middle School, 2^nd grade classroom

“Okay children, now we’re going to pair up and read the dialog on page 12 aloud; you all have 2 minutes to practice with your partners before you stand up and read it for your classmates”.

8 year old Baekhyun jumped out of his desk as soon as the sound of those words reached his ears and headed straight to the teacher’s desk, his voice just above a whisper. “Seonsaengnim, if possible, I’d like to work on my own” he said after  2 long seconds of reconsideration, given that what he was going to say originally was: “Why would I ever pair up with any of these airheads? They obviously at French and I’m much better off doing it on my own” but that wouldn’t have been polite, would it?

“Mr. Byun, I am aware of the fact that you enjoy going solo, but as a 2^nd grade student, you should already know that a dialog has always been something meant to be held between two people, so if you are having a rough time finding a partner, that’s okay, I’ll definitely find one for you” Mrs. Kang, or as Baekhyun liked to call her secretly due to her dull skin, guishin, threw back at his face, loud enough for the whole class to hear.

Baekhyun clenched his jaw, trying his absolute best to hide his displeasure and failing miserably. Whispers rose slowly, but steadily right after the Teacher’s mocking statement, just like they always did.

“Who does he think he is? Does he really think we don’t realize he thinks he’s better than us?”

“Maybe it’s not that he’s rather be alone, he probably knows nobody would want to be his partner anyways”

“Yeah…he’s trying to avoid being humilliated”

“Stupid Byun Baekhyun, I feel sorry for the poor unfortunate soul that will be picked out as his partner”

Baekhyun had always chosen to ignore the whispers around him; they were a common occurrence, which is why he looked perfectly unfazed while he made his way back to his seat wordlessly. At this point, he thought he actually didn’t care about them anymore; he thought he wouldn't bother to listen anymore. He thought he was now an expert at dodging the sharp verbal daggers that were thrown his way daily.

But he listened, and was forced to think twice about it, seeing as right now, his chest felt just a little tighter than it should… and his eyes felt just a little stingier than they should, and there's no denying that the whispers are the cause.

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« Bonjour mademoiselle, comment est-ce que tu t’appelles ? »

« J’me appelle Jihyeon, et quel est votre nom ? »

« Baekhyun, c’est mon nom, et c’est un plaisir de te connaitre ! »

« Je suis enchantée aussi! »

Since Baekhyun was the only one in the class who didn’t share a desk (because he pleaded to his mom until she went to school and had a talk with guishin), he and the random Jihyeon girl did the dialog from their own places, reading extra loud so they could hear each other.*Actually, her french isn’t all that bad, I think I would even be able to stand being her partner again…* Baekhyun looked over at Jihyeon, he couldn’t recall ever seeing her before… so assuming she was new, he drained as much venom from his eyes as he could before smiling at her and, surprisingly, she smiled back, showcasing two rows of small white teeth. Her smile would’ve been perfect, hadn’t her incisors been missing. His eyes widened and he averted his gaze immediately, falling in deep thought, *She doesn’t hate me? But…what if it’s all just a trick?*

Baekhyun was so immerse in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Jihyeon worriedly making her way towards his desk, waving her small hand in front of his face “Byun Baekhyun? You okay?”

Startled, Baekhyun perked up to look at her “Sorry…what?” his eyes still wide as he waited for her to repeat herself. “I asked iph you’re okay? It’s just that you suddenly seemed so out oph it…Did my smile scare you? I’m still getting my adult teeth” Jihyeon said while looking down.

“Ah…no, that’s not it, I’m still getting them too! Look” Baekhyun pulled the right corner of his mouth to the side with his index, showing her his fang, or lack thereof. “Ahh…don’t you have a hard time pronouncing words with F?” she looked at him expectantly, as if silently pleading please; say yes, I hope I’m not the only one. Baekhyun stared at her for a second before replying “No, I don’t, what are you even talking about? That would be so stupid” After briefly thinking back to her lisp and realizing that he should’ve lied, he clasped his hand over his mouth, eyes wide *Oh well, there goes another potential friend, good job, Byunbaek*.

It was when he heard a light chuckle that he was brought out of his inner turmoil and looked at her “Ah, well, I do, do you wanna hear it? It’s really phunny, ph…phhhh, phamily, phh, phhone, see? It takes me up to 10 seconds to get the words out” she chuckled again, making Baekyun even more panicked than before, “Wait…do you…not hate me? And I just made fun of you, aren’t you mad or something?” he asked looking at her expression carefully, waiting for her reaction.

But she just shrugged it off, “Hate you? Why would I? I don’t know you well enough for that! And you didn’t make phun of me; I know this is actually really stupid” She replied, waving a dainty hand as if trying to dismiss the topic. Baekhyun was speechless.

“Ah…I-I see…” were the only words he was able to blurt out, since his mind had long gone in overdrive; endless flow of questions preventing any logical thoughts from surfacing.

“See, there you go again, I wonder what you’re thinking so hard about” Jihyeon poked Baekhyun’s shoulder, startling him once again before continuing “It’s lunch time, Byun Baekhyun…”

When Baekhyun just continued to stare at her like she’d grown another head, she sighed deeply, elaborating even further “I’m new and I have no phriends here, aren’t you polite enough to ask me to eat lunch together?” she threw him an accusing glare that would’ve looked so much more menacing if a pout didn’t come along with it.

“Huh?” *Polite? Is she inquiring that I’m not polite? Ha! please* Baekhyun immediately flicked his switch, smiling his standard ahjumma please pinch my cheeks smile, slamming his book cover closed and speaking out confidently for once “Oh, of course, Jihyeon-sshi, do you mind it if we sit together for lunch?”

The little girl looked like she had just been slapped across the face for a moment, before she recovered quickly; smiling a satisfied smile. “I don’t mind” she said nonchalantly before grabbing his wrist and dragging him over to grab their lunchboxes.

Baekhyun let himself be dragged; however, even as he looked at her take a seat at the chair next to his on the desk, and eat her food while talking animatedly, he couldn’t help but wonder which one was it; if she didn’t hear the whispers, or if she just didn’t care.

*Could it be that she actually wants to befriend me? This has never happened before…* He reflected quietly as he sneaked a glance at his desk that supported both their lunchboxes and then at the girl beside him, still trying to take the whole situation in.  When Jihyeon decided that she would stick to this spot even after lunch, stating that she liked the blackboard’s view from Baekhyun’s desk better, realization finally hit him, and he let the tiniest of smiles to sneak its way to his lips, deciding that she definitely wanted to make friends with him. *I’ve made a friend!*

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Their friendship went on blissfully from there, and Baekhyun was having the time of his life going over to Jihyeon’s house to do homework everyday after school, and even going out just to play on weekends. They even introduced each other’s moms! *That’s something only really good friends do, right!?*

Mrs. Byun was clearly uninterested but she was glad her son had finally found a friend his age he could spend time with; so she complied when her son asked and went with him to meet Jihyeon’s mother, Mrs. Jeon, at the park located near the school. And she felt proud about her self-control when she didn’t complain, not even once; even when all the other lady did was rambling about teachers and school children’s gossip she overheard around the neighborhood. Baekhyun’s mom thought this was a dead giveaway to the fact that she was a housewife, given that she considered this “conversation” - which actually consisted of Mrs. Jeon talking and Mrs. Byun nodding occasionally, not even bothering to pay attention anymore - remotely interesting.

But the point remains, Baekhyun was happy.

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Baekhyun and Jihyeon had been sharing a desk ever since then, and Baekhyun realized that from the start, he hadn’t been reluctant to share a desk because he liked the space all for himself, as he had made himself think; but because he knew that no one actually wanted to occupy the space beside him, and so, he acted as he thought anyone would.

He rejected everyone before someone had the chance to reject him, drawing a line between him and everyone else. And for lack of a better reason to do this, he attributed the seemingly endless gap between him and his classmates to his absolute superiority. He briefly wondered if he made a mistake by going at things the way he did...

But now, all of that didn’t matter, because he had Jihyeon, a real friend, or the closest thing to a friend he’d ever have; who’d voluntarily stick by him everyday, who would pair herself up with him for each and every activity in class, and actually be helpful, since she could easily keep up with his level.

Unfortunately, it took Baekhyun an entire month of friendship to discover the big difference between him and Jihyeon. He thought it’d always be just the two of them, and since he felt like he didn’t need to talk to anyone else, he thought she didn’t either. Also, his first thought when she approached him had been that she’d probably be treated badly for being friends with him, and he felt bad about it, but he couldn’t help feeling the slightest bit of relief, *You’re stuck with me*.

However, when he saw the way she slowly started interacting with everyone, he was left amazed and confused about two things, the first was the way she had actually been well received by their classmates; and the other one was the way she managed to be so friendly to everyone, like it didn’t matter to her that they weren’t half as smart or good looking as she was. Baekhyun felt like he couldn’t understand this, not that he really tried to. He didn’t know why he felt suddenly irritated when she saw her talking to others…He was afraid they’d somehow snatch her away from him, not that she was his, though.

He thought he was just being stupid, until one day Jihyeon smiled suspiciously wide at Baekhyun. His suspicions were confirmed when she suggested that they eat lunch together with some other classmates. Afraid to be left alone, he reluctantly agreed.

Baekhyun ignored until that day how an 8 year old was capable of feeling such an overwhelming amount of regret as the one he felt right then.

Jihyeon happily made her way over to the backyard and then to the table where some of their classmates were sitting, tugging Baekhyun along, who looked like he wanted nothing more than to run away, but for some reason way ahead of his comprehension, didn’t.

As Jihyeon let go of his wrist and went to sit down, everyone’s faces seemed to brighten up as they smiled, greeted her, and scurried over to make room for her to squeeze between them and sit.

Baekhyun had thought that his worst case scenario could end up with him receiving displeased glares from everyone, reminding him the fact that he was unwelcome, as if he could ever forget it. So when his classmates didn’t spare him a single glance, even though he was standing right in front of them, he was just a bit surprised. For a second there, he actually thought they hadn’t noticed his presence, so he awkwardly cleared his throat once, twice; until one of them looked over at him for a second, shooting him a glare right before putting a smile back on and continuing to act like he wasn’t there *So you all did notice me…*. Jihyeon didn’t seem to be bothered by any of this.

“Jihyeon-ah?” *Jihyeon-ah...can’t you hear me?* He saw her tense up a bit, but when she didn’t turn to meet his gaze, Baekhyun’s eyes widened, wondering for a brief moment if had really become invisible. This just couldn’t be happening.

Eventually, he gave up on his attempt to get any sort of acknowledgement from the people there. He then took a deep breath, straightening his shoulders, which he didn’t know were slumped, and headed for the school’s rooftop, to have his lunch alone for the first, and sadly not the last time, after a month.

Right before he stepped inside the school building, he turned his head to look back at Jihyeon, who was looking at him, offering an apologetic smile *So…so you knew…*. Baekhyun averted his gaze quickly before running towards the rooftop, bumping into everyone and everything as he couldn’t see straight, his vision becoming blurrier by the second, a bitter taste filling his mouth, with a pressure in his chest not allowing him to swallow the lump in his throat.

He still hoped Jihyeon would come back to eat lunch with him tomorrow.

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“Jihyeon-ah!” Baekhyun called out to the girl after the lunch bell rang, since she had shot right up her seat, hurriedly making her way out of the classroom, leaving him behind without a second thought.

She ignored him and kept walking, but he grabbed a hold of her forearm and turned her around. He looked confused, but deep down; he did know exactly what she was doing, and where she was heading, too.

“Where are you going? We’re not gonna have lunch together?” he tried anyways, trying unsuccessfully to prevent hope from coating his voice when he uttered the questions.

She looked down, stuttering “Uh-uhm…well, I wanted to, but you see…It’s just that…uhh…” she still couldn’t meet his eyes, so Baekhyun decided to make it easier for her, and let go of her forearm.

“Ah, yeah, that’s…that’s okay, I’ll see you after lunch, then” He wondered if his voice sounded as broken as he actually felt. It probably didn’t, seeing as the next words that came out of were: “Oh…about that, well, you see…since Hyoyeon is sitting in phront of me now, I can’t see the blackboard that well anymore from the spot beside you. Her head is just so big you know, hehe…” she forced out a laugh, only to stop the moment she looked at Baekhyun’s expression.

He didn’t even know why he continued clinging to Jihyeon, he knew it was pointless, but he just couldn’t stop himself, he just had to give it one more try, *Just one more time...then... then I give up* so he slowly offered, “We could switch if you want? Since I’m taller, I’ll be able to see even from behind her, I can just move my stuff over-“

“No!” she interrupted him, an exasperated look on her face. Jihyeon’s eyes widened a bit before she quickly tucked her hair behind her ear, sighing, and finally putting an end to everything, not just their current conversation.

“You see…Sooyoung said I could share a desk with her if I wanted to…and she’s on the phront row…so I…I kind of couldn’t say no to her, since she was being so kind…” she trailed off as she thought about what to say next, but then decided not to elaborate. When everything had been said, Jihyeon her heel, leaving Baekhyun to eat his lunch alone again, today, and everyday after that.

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All throughout middle school, Baekhyun did manage to make a handful of friends, but sadly, he could only make them one at a time, just like Jihyeon. Still, he didn’t complain, deciding he would take what he could get; but every time he managed to get along with someone, the whispers and his classmates would eventually chase them away…And if that didn’t, then his attitude did the trick without fail. He was never friends with anyone for more than 2 months.

The interesting thing is that he still tried so hard to keep people by his side, and every time he met someone new, he still trusted them immediately, temporarily forgetting all about his past experiences, only to be reminded of them when things ended up the same way.

He guessed he was just waiting for someone who would actually stay, despite what people thought about him… despite his way of treating those around him. He was hoping for someone different to show up, but sadly, at that time, and since he still hadn’t got rid of his superiority complex; what Baekhyun needed wasn’t someone different, but someone who’d enjoy being stomped on repeatedly.

Baekhyun tried so hard, and came out hurt; and tried, and hurt, and tried…

Until he was done with it.

Seonsaengnim: Teacher

Guishin: Ghost

French Dialog Translation:

« Hello Miss, what’s your name? »

« My name’s Jihyeon, and what’s yours? »

« Baekhyun, that’s my name and it’s a pleasure to meet you! »

« The pleasure is all mine! »

(Okay I didn’t translate that literally because it’d sound awkward OTL so I changed some details, also I know I wasn’t super creative with the dialog but they’re second graders please understand)

-sshi: the suffix you use in Korean when you refer to a fellow, it’s neither a sunbae nor a hoobae, it could be someone the same age as you, or maybe someone who’s rank is just as high as yours at work. 

Okay, yeah...well, this will take a while but I want everyone to know Baekhyun inside out, I just want to clarify that he is NOT a bad person, it's just that he's an 8 year old and life hasn't tought him yet that the world does not revolve around him. I believe at some point in our lives, we all think it does...So, please don't judge him, and if you do, please keep in mind the quote above the chapter.

I'd also like to clarify that Baekhyun is a little kid and so is Jihyeon and hence nothing romantic ever went on between them (for the love of god, 8 years old!), I just wanted to show the way Baekkie suffered from deception and I decided I would make the character a girl, it could've been a boy too, but I made it a girl, okay? xD this story is Baekyeol for a reason, also... Chanyeol's whereabouts are uncertain at the moment, I'm not sure where he is myself, but he's a main character so I'll find him soon, okay? e.e

I'm so ing sorry for taking so long to update (it feels so liberating to curse, I can't do that in the story because Baekhyun is still a child so I still have to keep the language in check :c), it's just that I have so many ideas and I have to put them in order before I sit down and write D': also I have very specific images in my mind about how I want every little thing to unfold and it can take me up to half an hour to put them into words until I'm satisfied with the descriptions xD I cannot promise a new update "really soon" because as I said, I can have a mental breakdown already after only writing a paragraph, but I guess this gets easier with practice, which is why I'll continue to do it :3 so please be patient and bear with me <3 Actually, since this chapter took me longer to write I made it longer? like 700 words longer than the last one? I hope that makes up for taking so long? ...It doesn't? Okay, I'm sorry *cries*. Oh, and Faye? I know you're reading this, I love you <3 honestly if you didn't encourage me the way you do, I'd just continue to feel useless and uncreative and give up on this story, but you know what? I wont >.< I'll do my best!