Arms up and out, this how you began to draw into my still uninhabited island.

We were in prep school and I was crying so badly for my mama. You were also crying so hard for your mama. They sat us inside the playpen like caged pets while everyone lined up out on the corridor for morning ceremonies.

We looked at each other, faces scrunched and wet, wailing our lungs' worth and you reached out, wrapped your chubby arms around me and proceeded to wail some more in my ear while I did the same. They found us all cried out and sleeping, two toddlers in an embrace. This is how our journey began. The stream of a spring flowing down a mountain top, small and steady, like the rise and fall of our young chests pressed against each other.

Elementary school we mapped out planes with the soles of our muddy soccer shoes.

You and I were the one-two punch in the little league soccer team. Things were a little rough on the field during one of our most crucial games--to the adults of course it wasn't anything but to you and me--it was akin to the World Cup.

Junsu was wobbling away with the ball and we only had five minutes of play to spare. You ran after him and kicked the ball out from his toes and passed it to me across the field. I was able to do a fake pass around Siwon and found an opening. I can only hear you screaming directions and my mind only had the goal in my view. I kicked and we all stood there as the ball soared and hit the net. There was a moment of silence before the referee sounded the whistle and telling us we won the game. I ran straight at you and our little bodies couldn't bear the weight of each other as we collapsed on the ground in a heap of limbs. My face buried on the crook of your neck as we screamed ourselves hoarse. Just like rice terraces built during the ancient times, we slowly built our bond, pounding onto the earth the rhythm of our hearts in time with the rhythm of our field goals.

Middle school was an earthquake. The day my parents told me we would be leaving, the ground shook in fear and despair. I knew what would hurt the most: saying goodbye to you.

So I never told you.

I tried to spend our time not thinking about how I would lose the friend that I cried with during kindergarten, who made me win little league soccer, and I would miss the heaviness of your arms flung around my shoulders like the Stonehenge perfectly perched even on precarious ground.

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” I said as we sat on one of the stairwells in my building.

“Did the super find your stinky feet that bad?” You chortled as you bounced the soccer ball on your knee. I was silent and you turned to me with wide eyes, “Tell me you’re just joking.” My stare resolutely stayed on the floor.

The moments after that were blurry aside from the incessant shaking you did but I do remember how lifeless your soft okay was after we have both cried in dismay. I promised to keep in touch but let's face it, time and distance apart isn't exactly the way to groom lasting friendships. Especially with someone who has short attention spans like us.

Wiping your face, you managed to give me a weak smile and hugged me, arms akimbo, not really pressing on to that familiar niche you occupied on the curve of my neck and shoulder. You told me you forgot to do some algebra homework so you had to go then.

I remembered you didn't take algebra when the plane was making Grand Canyons grow in my stomach.

I think I may have forgotten you on some days. I have found solace in the company of others knowing, almost expecting you to have other people with you too. But I didn't dwell on it much for fear of discovering things about myself I was too afraid to know then. It was all uncharted territory and I was not Columbus, brave enough to set foot into the New World.

I’ve tried giving up on ever finding you again. I knew we won't ever see each other again because... Just because the world is what it is? It mends and breaks and no one's got the controls not even Jesus can take that wheel and steer it where you want it to go. No matter how many times explorers set sail, there will still be things enshrouded in mystery. Like obscure drawing up on a cave, mummies in tombs and premature friendships too soon to have bloomed.

High school showed me that there are more people who may not be you but I guess I can settle for—anyone else who is not you. I sometimes thought of your face when I started going out with boys. They didn't have eyes that were literally windows to your soul and they didn't have your child-like innocence that drove me crazy. They were the sideshows of the road trip that was my life. And I got attracted to it anyway. A short numbing of senses guided only by instinct and impulse.

So maybe all those years with you have imprinted so much on me that at the end of every relationship, I still hoped it's you who's next. That I would get to the peak of the tallest mountain and maybe not just on some manmade skyscraper.

Things were going well enough when I’m not comparing everyone to you. It was easier to kiss someone else without thinking of your lips, to hold hands with someone who didn’t have such dainty fingers like yours and to feel that weight settle on my shoulders and a face to fit on the crook of my neck that didn’t really fall into the correct spot.

After losing my ity during the last wasted night of senior year, I woke up with the worst headache of my young life and with a decision that  it, why should I be plagued with thoughts of you, of your awkward but still adorable smile and how you can’t ever carry a normal conversation with people because you’re a damn idiot. Why should I be in this jungle of memories draped on trees when I can just stay in the ordered suburban landscape that has signs and directions that surely leads somewhere?

So I went out some more without fear of having my heart broken because they will never really get that far anyway. Besides, I discovered that monogamy isn’t exactly a cool thing for a young man who’s concerned about what that other head is thinking about. What do I have to lose anyway when I’ve lost you way before we got to this point?

The map is a mess and geography can. Go. . Itself. I’msotiredofthis!!!!!!

But I guess the world isn’t as cruel as I think it is. I got over my promiscuous phase by junior year of college and was replaced with strong wanderlust.

I moved out of the party scene and into the eccentric Zen tendencies of my roommate that set my world into steadier footing. I spent my free time wandering towards the wilderness to get rid of the itch on the soles of my feet. My body seems to have not gotten rid of you after all. If I could just stretch out the amount of walks I took, maybe it could lead somewhere towards you.

Zhoumi never really stops running his mouth off about my suddenly solitary existence. I told him I've done enough experimenting during high school and the first half of college and that wasn't something I'd want to try again.

"Double dates are not experiments." I quirk my eyebrows at him and he quickly adds, "Yeah I can hear the fallacy in my statement, jackass. I just want you to go out with Gui Xian's friend." I cringe upon hearing the Chinese equivalent of Kyuhyun's name on my roommate's lips. Aches at how one's name sounds so sweet on another's lips. I wish that too.

, I don't even know if I'm in love with you or maybe just the romantic idea of seeing each other after such a long time. But how would I call you if we’re just like Zhoumi and Kyuhyun? Would I also write your name in such straightforward Hangul lines or utter it with the resonating passion of a Latin American tongue?

, I need to stop. It's been how many years already, Donghae?

Hey Donghae,…hey…nothing…I’m drawing a blank here.

So that would probably mean we’re not seeing each other. Because I will have nothing to say and maybe…just maybe…I might speak to you in tongues. And by tongues I meant me inside your mouth—WHAT?! NO!

I need to get out. this .

It didn't really take a lot for me to go out with Zhoumi and Kyuhyun. I was stuck in a rut with my thesis adviser and failed one midterm test by only half a point, in between driving my friends crazy or pulling all of my hair out, I decided I may as well be the annoying third wheel. I wasn’t really expecting much. Funny though how expectation is a that bites.

And bit me right where it counts, that it did.

There was an uneasy knot in my stomach and I knew I would probably pick on my food during dinner because I don’t like going on dates with random strangers. I slept around, never dated.

The lamppost cast a halo of light around Kyuhyun and who I presumed his friend. Possibly another gamer with a penchant for wine. If he opens his mouth with Starcraft jargon, I had made up my mind to bolt.

But then you turned to face us and I was glad gravity held on to my ankles firmly or else I would have been blown back with surprise. I’m all for traveling but the insurmountable galaxy beyond was not in my immediate flight plan. I knew it was you. The initial blank look, those puppy dog eyes--it didn't change!

You and I stood there, eyes wide and mouths open as I felt the air leave my lungs. I could register Kyuhyun's "You guys know each other?" In the background but I had already wrapped myself around you, arms, legs, and I feel like glasses have been put on me, vision clear and bright, as I perched on your shoulders. Your skin by the periphery and the tickle of hair by my cheeks a familiar sensation as I survey everything else from this vantage point of the pride rock that are your shoulders.

You slowly break off and held me at arm’s length. "Hyukjae? You're really Hyukjae?" I could only nod as emotion overwhelms me. Clenches me tight as I let your voice saying my name soak deep into my bones and turn my joints to jelly. I can hear the crunch of asphalt as the road is set and straightened, lit green light or the waving checkered flag of a Formula One racer.

"Donghae, you made him cry!" Kyuhyun chastises you as soon as you let me go and I had to sit down by the pavement and bury my face into my hands--and embarrassingly sob. I wanted to do this whole weeping thing by the River Piedra but I guess now is also a good time.

Zhoumi tugs on Kyuhyun and we are left alone. The last time we were like this, I was telling you I had to leave. This time, will you tell me you'll be here to stay?

"How long have you been here?!" If you were here for as long as I was, I am going to be so pissed off.

"Roughly 3 months ago," You say, wrapping your arms around your knees and peering at my curled up form. "I'm subbing for the school nearby," A kid working with kids. I couldn't help but smile.

"So..."
"How..." Simultaneously we began talking after the short silence and then awkwardly encourage each other to speak.

"YOU FIRST." We both say. A beat and we're laughing again.

In the middle of laughter, you grab my hand I raised to my face that hid the gums that showed when I smiled. You clucked, chastising me, "I told you, you have a great smile! Don't ever hide it!"

Your fingers squeeze mine and i look down at our intertwined hands. Palms touching, knuckles aligned like so and clenched tight and whole.

"Donghae...”

"Hyukjae..."

Our eyes connect again and I'm back on the front porch of my house where I said goodbye. This time, it's not a goodbye but a hello. I feel the warmth of your other palm on my cheek as you press a kiss on the tip of my nose.

"I thought I will never see you again,"

"Me too," my eyes shut tight just wanting to feel the ebb of emotions between us. Like the river meeting the sea, I feel whole again. The itch in my feet waned and I want to plant myself down, sturdy and strong like the trees.

You pull me up and there is a shadow across the half of your face, like the movement of the sun as it crosses up and onto the other side. You press up against me and your arms lay heavy on my shoulders, I can feel your heart stomping across your chest and into mine, marking a trail from where you start with me at the end. This is how I remember you the most.

It's clear now. Like a barnacle lodged on a stone surface. No matter how strong the waves crash and wipe out, it stays. Or like the aged trees with their roots reaching down to the farthest of the earth, touching into the very lifeline and gripping with hands full--this is you and me.

I can travel the world, engulfed in a haze of wanderlust but you are the compass that guides me. I went from a mindless wanderer into this vigilant journeyman because I knew, at least my subconscious did, that no matter how far I go, there's you I can go back to.

I feel your lips on mine and the warmth spreads from my face until my tippy toes. It was like discovering a secret of a foreign city, exhilarating and new.

Our tongues meet and you mark the words written in my mouth. Words I have't spoken to anyone else, undiscovered like hieroglyphs without Rosetta Stones. You're the Rosetta Stone.

Our embrace was the discovery of buried cities. A breath of life to what was once forgotten--but I never really forgot--just swept under years of dust and sand but intact and whole and ready for you -- take it.

It took a long time until we found each other again but this is what it takes to learn from when our trip would begin in earnest. That first set-up was just practice.

The magnesium glow of the lamppost, a lighthouse guide to my lost soul at sea, wanting somewhere to safely dock my heart and grow trees in the isolated island that is your body.

"You're not leaving me anymore, are you, Hyukjae?" I whine from the loss of heaviness on my shoulders. I loved how the eaves that are your arms are back around me.

I shook my head and pull in for another embrace, arms on shoulders, mouth to mouth, the short trip to the oasis as you kiss my way out from a barren desert.

"I'd have you know I decided to stay where you are," I declare breathlessly as you look at me with the brightest smile, like the sun on the Greek isles of Santorini.

"There's a lot of uncharted territory I have yet to explore." I bury myself on the crook of your neck, writing field notes on your skin with the tip of my tongue.

You moan and hold me tighter. "Let's take this somewhere else," you breathe out heavily.

"Where?"

"Home."

The ship has docked, welcome to the New World. We have new land to cover.

~

DAS ENDE.