If only.

If only I had stayed at home with you that night instead of letting my friends convince me to go to a party. Then everything would have been different.

If only I had been smart enough not to drink. I knew it was a stupid idea since I wasn’t even old enough but everybody else was doing it so why not?

If only I hadn’t drank so much that I lost all control over myself. After that twelfth drink, everything was a blur. I didn’t know what was up, what was down, what was good, or what was bad. So when one of my friends who was equally drunk offered me a ride home, I thought it was fine. I only lived ten minutes from the party.

If only I had your voice in the back of my head saying no.

If only I had told him to slow down when he was speeding down the streets at 60 miles per hour. I was so far gone that I couldn’t even tell how fast we were going.  

If only there were cops out there to stop us that night. I would’ve rather been pulled over and put in jail then where I am now.

If only the guys in the back hadn’t dared him to pick up speed when we all entered my neighborhood. Then we wouldn’t have crashed into a house’s rock wall and flipped the car over.

If only I had been sitting down and wearing my seatbelt. Then I wouldn’t have been thrown 20 feet out of the car and land on my head.

If only. Then I wouldn’t have to be gone forever.

If only I didn’t have to see you break down when